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Author Topic: My Story Love and insanity

T
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My Story Love and insanity
#20: June 25, 2021, 06:49:42 PM
My XH has a very high level stressful job he accepted in 2016. He was to relocate to a new state. He was able to stall that until 2018. We purchased a second home where he lives now that we are divorced. However, his job requires travel to 5 states periodically. One state is where we lived and I currently live and where his EA and current subordinate OW is. He drives after a full week of work 5 1/2 hours on friday night to come down and then spends Saturday with her and drives back Sunday. So they see each other 1 day a week. How long can this be kept up? Anyone else experience anything like this? Seems exhausting. OW also works nights and he is days. So, even when he is in town for a week he cant see her during the week. I sometimes wonder if that was purposely picked due depression and keeping the mask on as well
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Re: Love and insanity
#21: June 25, 2021, 08:50:14 PM
Quote
How long can this be kept up? Anyone else experience anything like this?

Mine spent several years driving back and forth between Kansas and Illinois. They were both married during this time, but the last year or so both were separated (xH lived with his parents during that time). I counted a lot on all of that travel and lack of time together ultimately being the undoing of the relationship, but it was not. That's not to say it's not possible, but from other cases around here, it's not unusual for the distance or lack of time together to not be a barrier for things to last. They're not like normal people. And a lot of that "bonding" they do is usually through texting, like teens (at least that's what it seems like).
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T
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Love and insanity
#22: June 26, 2021, 12:07:03 AM
ReadyTT- I agree. I don’t think it is a barrier for the relationship. I think he may have picked that to have to not fully dedicate. One day a week you can maintain the white knight and bombing much easier. My question is how physically can you keep up with driving over 10 hours every weekend. Also, financially. The money spent driving and eating out has his him in cc debt. However, it looks like that this like you said keeps the fantasy. I assume at some point they have to make a decision to go all in on the relationship and not be a part time thing? It is exhausting thinking about it for me

I asked my RH once about the drive. He said the drive down lets him clear his head. He has to focus on where he is going. He said it actually gives him  a state of calm. He said the problem is driving back home. He said when he leaves is when he feels he is driving away from and leaving his family. So driving here to her , hit driving away from us.

Very interesting and also for me I think how does he drive to where his family is and see her every weekend, but not his kids or grandson. It’s all very sad. He has seen his grandson once in 8 months. They used to be very close. The escape from all reality it the most frightening aspect of it all
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Re: Love and insanity
#23: June 26, 2021, 09:50:32 AM
ReadyTT- I agree. I don’t think it is a barrier for the relationship. I think he may have picked that to have to not fully dedicate. One day a week you can maintain the white knight and bombing much easier. My question is how physically can you keep up with driving over 10 hours every weekend. Also, financially. The money spent driving and eating out has his him in cc debt. However, it looks like that this like you said keeps the fantasy. I assume at some point they have to make a decision to go all in on the relationship and not be a part time thing? It is exhausting thinking about it for me

I asked my RH once about the drive. He said the drive down lets him clear his head. He has to focus on where he is going. He said it actually gives him  a state of calm. He said the problem is driving back home. He said when he leaves is when he feels he is driving away from and leaving his family. So driving here to her , hit driving away from us.

Very interesting and also for me I think how does he drive to where his family is and see her every weekend, but not his kids or grandson. It’s all very sad. He has seen his grandson once in 8 months. They used to be very close. The escape from all reality it the most frightening aspect of it all

Nodding along with all of it. My xH met the OW in a hobby of theirs - French and Indian War reenacting. So fantasy and being "personas" that were different from reality was always part of the relationship. I still have no clue how he is able to make his life work, but he has lost a lot materially. He had no problem bankrupting me though on the way out, which is why I always warn LBSs to protect the finances. No matter how the outcome goes, you'll be saving your family a lot of suffering if you put that first.

The driving for my xH was such a part of it too. I assume it allowed him to be in his head with only the thoughts he wanted (no responsibilities). And the motion, literally, made him feel like he was moving somewhere in his life. It's all so very weird. There is no way to predict of course whether he'll ultimately realize how futile it is before it's too late, or run full force into the craziness (mine did, and that was really unexpected to me). But I hope for your family, it's the former. They seem so oblivious to what's really at stake.
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T
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Love and insanity
#24: June 26, 2021, 10:05:34 AM
Ready TT-Yours realized or ran more into the craziness? I am financially secure with my own job/ career and an amazing settlement I asked for and he agreed to. I did the divorce in 30 days uncontested with my lawyer and he never hired one. He is basically almost paying me my salary again for 13 years. Doubling what I make. I also asked for the house and all equity. I will remain as his beneficiary on all 401k and insurance and got half 401k. Lawyer said best settlement she has ever seen.

I am just at a place now where I am ready to move on and it doesnt scare me to fall out of love and let go of the future I planned or thought would be. I really feel although he has alway detached from people and and compartmentalize that he will have a hard time letting me go. I think he allowed me in where he has not let others. It will be interesting to see how the story evolves in 5-10 years.

Sounds like we have so many similarities in our men and our stories.

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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Re: Love and insanity
#25: June 26, 2021, 11:28:07 AM
So glad you got that settlement! That's fantastic. :)

Mine is still running, ten years past BD. He and the OW married. Divorce settlement with me never reached, but I kept the house and my business, so it's as much of a win as I would have hoped for. There's been a lot of drama, and still periodically is some, despite living in different time zones, sharing no kids or anything that would keep us tied. Certainly not the person who was my best friend for decades prior. But our stability keeps us grounded, and live keeps moving forward. :)
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T
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Love and insanity
#26: June 28, 2021, 04:45:21 AM
Had a conversation with my ex MIL on the phone last night. My oldest daughter is getting married. She has a wedding shower July 10th and X MIL is giving an excuse that the 8 hour drive and stay in a hotel would be to much and she is not coming. She is headed on vacation soon after that? Her vacation is traveling in with a sleeper trailer?? I know my daughter will be upset and can’t help, but know this is another loss from the marriage ending and the awkward situation we are in due to then divorce and my XH MLC.

I talked to her a bit about her son and his mental state. He refused to have any connection with her and ignored her calls and messages. He has told me he doesn’t want anything to do with her . I did not tell her that. I did however tell her that he in therapy came to conclusions to leave me and not talk to her, but that I was struggling to get my own answers and hadn’t dove into the issues with her.

I feel that my XH in this runway relationship where he doesnt have to deal with REAL life at some point this OW will have to have more? I assume that will soon become him maybe introducing her to his one brother that he has chosen to slightly stay in contact. If he doesn’t then she will start to see the RES flags of his isolation. I feel that he will use that to connect with his mother. He will be using his mother to help verify something with the OW.

All I know is I could tell my xMIL could not get off the phone quick enough. It is hard to lose your H and your H family due to no fault of your own. It is brought on a lot of anxiety thinking HOW DID I GET HERE? 

H-54
W-58
Married 7/6/1991
Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 deceased
Moved out for space-jan 2018
BD1-march 2018 found phone
EA ow1-49
EA-ow2 57
EA- ow3 58
Moved back-Oct 2018
BD2-October 2020
OW-46
Divorce filed-Dec 202O
Divorce final-Feb 2021
Currently: No Contact by my choice for sanity and for him not to cake eat


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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

T
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Love and insanity
#27: June 28, 2021, 04:48:31 AM
Ready to T-
How long has he been married? What kind of drama? That is interesting since there are no ties?
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« Last Edit: June 28, 2021, 04:51:35 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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  • Gender: Female
Re: Love and insanity
#28: June 28, 2021, 09:29:09 AM
Ready to T-
How long has he been married? What kind of drama? That is interesting since there are no ties?


First off, I'm so sorry about the situation with xMIL. I remember that feeling of the relationship change, and it was awful. My xMIL and I weren't particularly close, but to have a wall go up where suddenly there wasn't a freer flow of conversation as though I was just a stranger was surreal. Good excuse for some self-care to let yourself process through it all while the monkey-braining of what will happen with your xH and her in the future turns on (and I remember that too).

As far as I know, marriage has been 6 years, and they've lived together 8. I originally typed out a lot of the minutiae that went on through the years, but know that you will reach a point at some point where you don't actually care about doing that anymore (and believe me, I never thought I'd stop telling the story!). Long version: hit my threads in the archives, 2012-2014 for the juicy parts of the clinging years and the divorce. Short version: tons of back and forth from him between victim mode and monster. She's a drama queen and the two of them together were especially volatile in the early days before they divorced their spouses, but periodically I'll hear from one of their creditors trying to find them or I'll get identity thieved in some super specific way, and I'll know they're up to tricks. They've both done a ton of weird and troublesome things, physically, emotionally, financially, and legally, totally out of character for what I knew him to be since he was 18 years old. Sometimes it's directed at me personally, sometimes monstering to connections/institutions we shared in common about me. All while I do nothing to him, don't reach out, don't care.

But yet, the family embraced her and I became persona non grata. The FOO issues really present, and that's what it is - but it's still hurtful. 

Just remember - everything you're perceiving about the situation is real, but don't run yourself ragged trying to stop a moving train. You get run over that way. Get off the tracks, move to safe ground, and let it go. It will crash at some point or continue to drive in circles. But you are good. And in some way, like with your xMIL not coming to the shower, that's ultimately going to be a good thing. You and your daughter won't have to have the anxiety of dealing with her or have this situation with your xH in anyway upstage your D's big day. The loss will be a gain when it gives you more peace than what it takes. Big hugs!
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T
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Love and insanity
#29: June 28, 2021, 10:02:40 AM
Ready2T-

I think once the wedding is over I will have a much easier time detaching fully and moving on. Having him leave right after her announcement of being engaged and setting the date has been hard. Small wedding with 35 people all family while everything in the family is broken is a major anxiety driven stressor. I hate that I cant enjoy the wedding, but wish I could just skip it. My XH would love to skip it. It just is so sad and I feel so bad for her, so I just hope that she enjoys her day despite the mess we are all in.
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

 

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