[Tornup]

My story- I was married for 29 1/2 years. We lost a teenage daughter to cancer in 2009. My husband went into depression but hid it well. When our oldest daughter got married in 2013 there began to be moments of disconnect. By 2017 he was totally shut off. No communication. Disconnected. I told him to go to therapy or we would need to divorce. He said he could not talk about it and he chose divorce. I moved him out in to an apt. Signed a 10 month lease. This was jan 2018.

March 2018 in found an old phone which showed 3 EA’s starting in 2015 to 2017. One EA was unreciprocated  and was with someone he traveled and worked closely with. All were coworkers under him. He has a high level position. I was able to talk to 2 of the women and the unrestricted EA stated she knew he was troubled and just allowed him to message her hoping at some point he would get help, but was worried he would kill himself. The other 2 EA the women reciprocated but they were all just messages. When the EA went physical with a kiss he stopped those and totally focused on the one not returning affection. He states it was an escape from his head and thoughts. To me that is insanity. I had already contacted a lawyer before the phone and he asked me not to divorce and he would seek help. He did. We dated and he seemed to start getting to a better place. He moved back home and he quit therapy end of 2018. We bought a second home for his work in a diff state. He travels a lot, but 2019 went OK. 2020 started out good, but then COVID. I went to working at home and he stopped traveling.

He started disconnecting and In June 2020 I found a new message from hourly subordinate that had been coming to him on complaints of managers. He apparently turned it into a friendship and messages her he missed her and hoped to see her. He said it was the only message. I told him he had to go back into therapy. Once in therapy they had him also to tmdr therapy and that dr said she didn't think he wanted to get better. Most focus was on the death of our daughter as they felt that was the origin of his depression and then escapism came after. In October he decided from Therapy I was his trigger. After finding the phone he couldn't look at me anymore without feeling disgusted in himself. He was on a trip and said he wasn't coming home. He also had been cutting. He asked for a quick divorce as he felt he was drowning  and needed to totally disconnect without responsibility. I did a uncontested divorce and he agreed to all my terms which were a lot and more than i would get thru courts. Including weekly support for 13 years that covers all my expenses and mortgage and full equity in our home.

I then discovered he was seeing the subordinate and took her on vacation right after the divorce . He is still seeing her 7 months since BD. He has ED and is unable to consummate the relationship, so i know she is using him for his money and status . He has no friends and is disconnected from his family. He wanted to remain friends. I have recently went no contact as I felt the friendship was all one sided. He said that he held on knowing my calls would come every 2 weeks and he didn't know how he would survive with out them. Our oldest daughter is remarrying in sept 21 and I told him I would see him then and we will see where we are, but it was unhealthy for me to continue a friendship that I was not getting anything out of. Specially after he left and lied about having this relationship. I struggle as he is clearly mentally unstable. He also has the classic MLC signs. New sportscar, low self esteem but in high position where women now look up to him, loss of daughter and father within 3 months.

Not sure if no contact is right, but I still want my family and I am trauma bonded and feel I need to disconnect and he has to come to a realization that he needs me or doesn't?
H-54
W-58
Married 7/6/1991
Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 deceased
Moved out for space-jan 2018
BD1-march 2018 found phone
EA ow1-49
EA-ow2 57
EA- ow3 58
Moved back-Oct 2018
BD2-October 2020
OW-46
Divorce filed-Dec 202O
Divorce final-Feb 2021

Edited for readability - Paragraph breaks - UM

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I am so sorry that you are here, but this is a great place for the support you need. First of all, I am glad that you took care of finances as MLCer can go through money like water.

All were coworkers under him. He has a high level position.

Just know he is playing with fire on this one. If you are in the US, any of these situations can turn into a potential lawsuit.

He has ED and is unable to consummate the relationship, so i know ahe is using him for his money and status .

Yes, she is and from what I can gather, all of his "extra" relationships are all about escape. This is all about him and deep internal pain. I can't imagine the loss of a child and know that I deeply feel for you as well.

How are you coping? I know you have covered the financial issues, but you need help to deal with all of the trauma inflicted by his crisis. Make sure you take care of yourself emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Self-care is essential as the crisis can continue for years and this is a marathon not a sprint.

Keep posting and know that this is the place to document your journey to recovery- with or without him.

((((((Ready))))

[forthetrees]

Please consider the book When Someone You Love is Mentally Ill. If love could solve his issues, you would have already "cured" him. Unfortunately all your concern will not make him whole; he has to want to seek help and do the work that comes with it. If your well being is being sacrificed because he opts to not get help, does your sacrifice benefit anyone? The Serenity Prayer comes in handy here as you cannot control situations that are beyond your purview. Letting go of the outcome is very hard. You have your own work to do - the work of accepting that you cannot alter his path and furthermore that you are not responsible for his path. Free will is a beautiful concept and unfortunately he is making choices that have and may blow up in his face. You too have free will. What will you do with your choices?

[Tornup]

He is playing with fire with the subordinates and I have no idea why the unreciprocated woman did not turn him in. I told her I would have been in HR day 2. He got her promoted and also I think she enjoyed being in the high up circle. I did a blog on everything and it was turned in to his boss but it did jot have our names. It did say he had multiple affairs, but I did not say workers. He got called in with his boss and a lawyer, and they said that they were told it was employees and he denied. I asked if they told him if he was he needs to stop and he said they did not. I cant not imagine in the mee too era they didn't? He did say he was going back to therapy. We shall see. He is already in cc debt. 4 months ago all bills were at “0” when we divorced. I am trying to move on and try to get back out in the world. Work from home since covid and my company is not bringing up back in office. Little isolated for over a year.  I will check out that book. I have read many. It does help. Education and understanding the situation when they cant not explain is everything

I am going to do therapy as soon as my new insurance takes effect. I was dropped from his and was not notified in time to not have a gap

[UrsaMajor]

For the company to ignore this opens the company up to discrimination lawsuits as well so not only is HE playing with fire, now that the company has been informed, so are they if they take no action...

Getting help for ourselves as needed is key to a) self-care, and b) self-preservation so good on you for getting things underway, even if you have to wait for your own insurance coverage.

In my tagline, there are some links to some of the resources available here on the Web Site.

As Ready already said, I am sorry that you needed to find us but glad that you were able to - you have gotten an invitation to the party that no one ever wanted to attend and it is the beginning of an ultra-marathon slog through the mud, especially if one chooses to stand... Standing though does NOT mean "standing Still" or waiting... and it sounds as if you are taking charge of your own life - hats off!

UM

[Tornup]

Um- Thank you. I will check out those resources. I have made my self financially secure and now trying to get my life emotionally secure to move on. It is a shock so late in life to think of starting over. Trying to live in the moment and not look to far a head.

[OldPilot]

Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[Tornup]

Old pilot- More good information. I am like a sponge as all others in trying to heal and move on. I appreciate all the information.

[stillbaffled]

Tornup - you have landed in a place that will offer support,  compassion and wisdom. 

Post as often as you wish.  There are many folks here that will lend an ear and offer you advice.  Take what works best for you and your situation. 

My sincere condolences on the loss of your daughter. 

[Tornup]

Thank you Still Baffled,

It is a rough road when you are dealing with multiple issues. Depression, MLC, Diabetes T, low self esteem and Low t. He has also ED.  Appears now he has a issue that may need surgery. How is someone with all these issues and unable to have sex able to not only start a relationship but keep it going. When they get there systems balanced out do they just assume that is from the new woman? Do they ever hit rock bottom or just continue to exist and only exist. I know he is not happy. Manipulating the subordinate he is seeing to not ask deep questions, but as he states. I only give her the least amount of information to get by. Does everyone just find it is easier to just move on with life as if they didnt exist? My hardest thing is letting go of someone that is clearly mentally struggling. When you are a loyal person you want to help and although I cant save him I find it hard to not check in, but I know I need to stop. I have went no contact and I hope with only this one woman in his life he will start to see the disconnect from his family and all those who cares.