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Author Topic: My Story Love and Insanity continues

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My Story Re: Love and Insanity continues
#20: August 03, 2021, 02:54:27 AM
I would like to third what OffRoad and Treasur have already said: say what you need to say. Just remind yourself its for you, that he can not/will not hear any of it. Have no expectation or hope that this will “make him” be a decent and responsible human being. Sometimes it is very hard to see our MLCers as they have become now, we just want to do something to make them “snap back” the the person we thought they were. But we have to see them clearly sometime to be able to start detaching properly.
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No Kids, 23 years at BD1 (4 years), married 21
First signs of MLC Jan '15
BD 1 Jan '17, BD 2 Mar, Separated Apr, BD 3 May,BD 4 Jun '18
First Sign of Waking up-Dec '17, First Cycle out of MLC Mar '18-Jun ‘18, Second cycle Jul '18-??
Meets OM Jan '17 and acts "in love," admits "in love" Jun '18, asks for divorce Jul '18

T
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Love and Insanity continues
#21: August 03, 2021, 04:34:57 AM
Treasur,Offroad,Marvin

He paid the alimony overnight and it is pending! I know he will hear my words and they will hurt. He is a self blamer and likes to torture himself, so saying those words do come with consequences for him and I.

The alimony has to be weekly as it is 1k . It is also for 13 years.  I need to make sure it can be done so it is automatic and this doesn’t happen again. I did ask him to make it automatic through his bank, but he said he doesn’t know how. Yesterday I instructed him to call the bank to find out or I would move forward with the lawyer and enforcing it through payroll deduction if needed. He did not answer that message. Due to the alimony being for 13 years I think talking to my lawyer and finding out my options is still a good idea so I can detach more and not have to worry about this. He has always paid. Only 2 times has he been a week late, but it is never on the same day even when making it.

My XH is a strange MLC’r . The only time he will not talk to me is when he is with her. I think it is his strong avoidant personality. He doesn’t want the questions from her as it breaks his escape from reality. However, there are times things come up that he has to be contacted wherever he is. This is only the second time I have had to contact him in 8 months when with her.

He has been trying to keep a foot in both doors and my door doesn’t want to stay a jar any longer. I want some peace. I want to move on. I want to stop worrying about him and focus on me. There is no doubt that he is headed for a HUGE financial and emotional break. He can not keep up this heavy material spending on the OW and constant activity and not break. I think he needed me there for the fall.

I am no longer his FALL guy!!! 
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« Last Edit: August 03, 2021, 05:38:45 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Love and Insanity continues
#22: August 03, 2021, 09:16:19 PM
Well the storm continues. Trying to wrap up the refinancing of the house and the alimony payments my XH finally called me tonight after 11 days on vacation with the OW. He was very distraught. Said he had a breakdown on Friday night while on vacation because he is stupid. Everything he does is a failure.

I asked him what was wrong and he said I’m alive. I said of course you are as you should, but what happened. What was the trigger? He said nothing that I know of it just happened. I said did she help. He said no. I said did you try and talk to her or did she ask and he said she tried.

He just kept saying he couldn’t talk about it. I said well lets talk about what was good on the vacation. He said nothing. I said 11 days and nothing was good. He said no. I said what sight seeing did you do. He said none.

I do know he spent $700 plus in cloth shopping on the OW. I believe that that is what he is referring to him being stupid. He wont admit that to me, but he knows no woman would expect $700 in clothes from someone that was in it for the right reasons.

I told him that he is obviously in a bad place, but better days are ahead. He said he would call me back in a couple days when he was in a better place. I called his brother to get him up to date and to have him check on him.

MLC and Clinical Depression are just impossible to navigate and I guess we will all need to make a decision if we need to commit him if he can not come out of this
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Love and Insanity continues
#23: August 04, 2021, 01:58:31 AM
Oh, dear Tornup, I wish you could see how a$$ about face this from the outside....
Your xh rings you wanting to talk (while saying he doesn’t) about his awful experience while on holiday with an ow. Having messed about with your alimony payments but found money to get ow dressed up.....And you try to make him feel better by asking him about what was good about his vacation.....

I don’t know how you feel about having been party to that conversation now or the fact that it was the opposite of what you said you thought you needed to do.
Probably what matters is your understanding why you did it....marriage muscle memory? Feeling you can or should help him? Worried what will happen to him if you don’t? Excusing his behaviour bc he is depressed so gets a free pass? Trying to love/nice him back?.....and deciding for yourself if this is what you are going to choose to do for the moment or, if not, what your alternative will be next time.

It’s easy perhaps to feel the pressure to be a bit ‘go, Girl!’ on a forum and say you want to detach or GAL when actually you’re not entirely sure you do. Or to be where you are and then evolve into a different POV. Many of us have been where you are....we might judge your actions in the sense of having an opinion like I did, but we will not judge YOU. It’s ok to be where you are at any one time and try to learn through trial and error what is best for you. I guess my only encouragement is to be as honest with yourself about your motivations and expectations as you can. And as grounded in reality as you can bear.

From the cheap seats, fwiw, two things seem to be currently real.
You are reluctant to resign from being a member of your former h’s emotional support team at the moment.
Your former h is content to normalise using you in this role, regardless of other realities or his own behaviour. (I am not saying he is using you as part of some grand Machiavellian plan, just that he feels entitled to get your support and attention if he feels bad. He may not see how a$$ about face that is either...or he just may not care bc depressed/MLC folks can be staggeringly self-centred  ::) )

As it is likely that your xh will take whatever you are prepared to offer at the moment, I suspect the calm healthy side of the street is for you to decide what you are prepared to offer. Or not. What the risk/reward is for you and him at the moment. What being an xw means to you. Without feeling the need to justify, defend or explain it to anyone but yourself. Including us lol bc we will support your right to do your best for yourself as you currently see fit. And then to figure out a version of that which feels balanced and liveable with for you so you decide on its relative priority and impact in relation to other GAL and practical stuff in your own life.

Hug from here x
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Love and Insanity continues
#24: August 04, 2021, 04:28:45 AM
Treasur-
I’m mixed on what you are saying. I had an appointment with my atty yesterday. I had to go over alimony and refinancing on the house with my XH as he has to sign over the house as he is on the current title.

He called to go over those financials and in the process was very emotional. I am not sure what happened on his vacation, but I think any person hearing a person in distress can not just ignore and move on. He called to go over the things, but was actually unable to.

30 years and a person in emotional crisis is definitely hard to move on from and my journalling shows just that. I  can be pulled into his crisis very easily. I am trying to engage his brother and family to try to ease myself out and we are trying to determine if we can commit him as he is clearly in a psych break.

Although I may no longer be married, that is a piece of paper. I had been married to him for 30 years and I do want to see him come out of this. I am just in the end a loving soul and I want to know before I exit that he has a replacement in a way that is investing in his mental health. I think if I really look at it with open eyes that is really the end goal. If the relationship is truly over. Which it appears he is not mentally capable of any relationship. Which then in turns comes back to he is making decisions not of clear mind and is constantly threatening death. When I asked without details what is wrong? He said I am alive. That is hard to hang up on.

I dont think I will be able to set myself free from the crisis that is him totally until I FEEL someone else is there. I am fully aware that his crisis is putting me in a crisis. My own atty said yesterday that I have proven that I make good choices when under distress. She said I am going to be fine. I financially took care of myself. She said he is not. He continues to make bad choices and he will most likely not be ok, but dont let him take you down with him.

I told my XH that we just need to wrap up these few financials and we can disconnect. I told him I need to move on. I want to move on. I really DO. I dont know why when he has these breakdowns it is somewhere in my head that this is why this is all happening and he is ill and I need to STAND by him.

I guess I came here journalling as this is a sight that promotes the right to WORK IT OUT and STAND for your marriage. Divorced or not. Just like the insanity of the MLC’r my head is all over the place between wanting to move on and then being pulled back by the insanity and wondering did I give up or am I giving up on someone who left and is obviously not in their right mind

Love and insanity!!! That is where I am……

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« Last Edit: August 04, 2021, 05:13:11 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Re: Love and Insanity continues
#25: August 04, 2021, 05:07:03 AM
Tornup: as a third party I will say that I read no judgement whatsoever in Treasur's post. I am sure she can speak just fine about her post, but I was surprised by your response.

I understand that sometimes honest feedback can be misconstrued as criticism. We are all here to support and share experiences. You may find that you won't necessarily get a chorus of agreement, unless that is what you seek. Then by all means feel free to ask and I am sure the community will not offer advice or opinion that differs from what you believe, and will be happy to provide support as much as they can.

I was going to write something just like what Treasur said, and the point was to share an outside view that may help you get away form the insanity. Sometimes it is helpful to hear from people who are further away from the crises at hand, yet have common experience with what you are dealing with, a very disordered and highly dependent husband.

If you wish to simply journal please say so, and you will find you have a safe space to do that. So can you share with us ideally what you would like from the community at large?
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No Kids, 23 years at BD1 (4 years), married 21
First signs of MLC Jan '15
BD 1 Jan '17, BD 2 Mar, Separated Apr, BD 3 May,BD 4 Jun '18
First Sign of Waking up-Dec '17, First Cycle out of MLC Mar '18-Jun ‘18, Second cycle Jul '18-??
Meets OM Jan '17 and acts "in love," admits "in love" Jun '18, asks for divorce Jul '18

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Love and Insanity continues
#26: August 04, 2021, 05:20:32 AM
Quote
It’s easy perhaps to feel the pressure to be a bit ‘go, Girl!’ on a forum and say you want to detach or GAL when actually you’re not entirely sure you do

This part threw me off a bit.

I think what I was saying is I am admitting I am all over the place. His crisis is putting me in crisis. I am looking for insight with anyone that has that insight. Not just MLC but this deep depression. I guess what I felt was just the focus on me.

 I have days where I am great and If I journal that I believe it and then the tides turn. I don’t feel I am being ingenious. Im not trying to say one moment I have a revelations I am all better , but then not. I am obviously confused and in my own crisis. I am also strong, so I can flip between rational and irrational in the circumstances I am in.

I understand I can detach. I should for my own health, but I clearly can not when he keeps throwing himself into crisis and utter despair. When I said I am unclear I think I meant, so
Even though he is in total breakdown I should walk away? I should not believe it because he was able to purchase her clothes and be on vacation?
What I am getting from him is he thought he could go on vacation and then once in it then it was not the escape he thought. He is realizing he cant escape. This to me is some type of break through

I guess that is what I am seeing. He may be in worse shape, yet a break through. The OW is no longer an escape as she is seeing also the destruction or is she really totally seeing it?



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« Last Edit: August 04, 2021, 05:34:51 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Love and Insanity continues
#27: August 04, 2021, 05:37:12 AM
I am very sorry that you felt judged, Tornup. That absolutely was not my intention and I agree with your own lawyer fwiw on how well you have handled so much so quickly. In fact, I wish I had been able to do the same in that first year or so. Similar to you, I was dealing with a severely depressed h then, diagnosed as such, who knew something was very wrong with him and wanted my support for several months initially. I remember how confusing and literally physically heart-wrenching it was, how helpless I felt and how very much I wanted to believe I could help. It was long before I came to HS, but tbh i’m not sure I could find words even now for how truly awful a time it was. It felt rather like watching someone I loved kill themselves in inches right in front of me but on the other side of a glass wall while I frantically ran up and down screaming but unheard on my side. Just horrific. I ended up with PTSD eventually that further derailed my life so I know what my own fine blend of love and insanity felt like. It almost killed me tbh.....so I have nothing but care and respect for whatever your blend is.

So i’ll ease back from commenting on your thread and let others support you as the last thing I want to do is hurt you. I’ll keep reading along and support you from a quiet distance whatever you decide to do.
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« Last Edit: August 04, 2021, 05:48:35 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Love and Insanity continues
#28: August 04, 2021, 05:52:36 AM
Treasur- I do not need silence from anyone. I appreciate any and all feedback. I was just confused on that part. I quite frankly judge myself. I have been through 2 home fires, home invasion rape ( which the man went to prison for 7 years) the death of my daughter, but somehow the destruction of this man is the worst.

Maybe it is I can’t understand that I can go through so much and come out the other end. To find my way and then to have the one closest to me not be able to. Maybe that is it. I dont know what is keeping me tethered to him. When I see him in person I see he is no longer there. He is not someone I am attracted to anymore, but the voice on the phone somehow makes me unable to break away.

Again, please do not stay silent. I clearly need tough insight. I am sure I need some judgment even if it isnt meant to be. As I said I am judging myself. I should be able to weather this storm as I have everything else.

The threats of him self harming himself is making it impossible for me to break away. I hope when I begin therapy September 1st it will also aide in my moving on.
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« Last Edit: August 04, 2021, 06:04:15 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Love and Insanity continues
#29: August 04, 2021, 06:02:42 AM
Quote
I dont know why when he has these breakdowns it is somewhere in my head that this is why this is all happening and he is ill and I need to STAND by him.

I guess I came here journalling as this is a sight that promotes the right to WORK IT OUT and STAND for your marriage. Divorced or not. Just like the insanity of the MLC’r my head is all over the place between wanting to move on and then being pulled back by the insanity and wondering did I give up or am I giving up on someone who left and is obviously not in their right mind

It is very hard to watch someone that we love on a path of destruction.  You know him intimately. Possibly, if you are at all empathic, you may even "feel" something of his pain. Certainly after 30 years together, there are ties between you that are very very deep.

There are many different views about MLC. I have always looked at his crisis as a "dis-ease". That makes a difference in how I choose to interact with him. That was and is the right choice for me, others take a different view.

I had dinner with my husband this weekend and I recognized, as I always do,  that I love him, always have and always will. Loving people mean that you care about them, especially if they exhibit signs of such severe depression as your husband is showing. I accept him for who he is, who he has become.

Quote
I asked him what was wrong and he said I’m alive.

This statement caused me to react and I don't know your husband. But for someone to say that, would cause me great concern.

You are right, his crisis did send me into my own crisis as well which took many years for me to resolve.

You will find what works for you, so that you can find the peace you need to create a new life, and find peace in that. It will come with trial and error as to what feels right for you. You are trying to finish up some financial stuff that does require you to have contact with him. You have children together. He's not just going to disappear. More importantly, what I see is that he turns to you because he knows who you are, the person you are.

I see this as "unconditional love" and in reading about unconditional love, as well as in my faith life, we are able to love and accept someone yet still protect ourselves from harm.

It is 12 years since BD and I would still be there to help him if he needed me. That is who I am, that is what I want.

For myself, it was important for me to be able to have contact with him without it throwing me or causing me to loose my sense of equilibrium. When I was able to do that was when I felt I had healed.

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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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