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Author Topic: My Story Stopping the insanity

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My Story Stopping the insanity
OP: September 14, 2021, 06:41:35 AM
Previous thread
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11809.150

Time for a new a thread. A new start. A new look on things. Hopefully,  Moving forward. As much anxiety I have had in the last week about the D30 second wedding approaching I am starting to ease up. I have broken down the day and realized it is just a day and just moments. Clearly the last 10 months have been horrific and so there really is nothing that I can’t get through.

I am going to enjoy the family that comes and turn my focus on to family. Really, in all the 10 months that has been the saddest part for me. Mourning the loss of my family. Here everyone that can come will be here and I have the opportunity to share time and love with them and enjoy it. I am going to do that.

Sad the MLC’r can’t embrace the core of what is most important. Family. When I think of that it really is heartbreaking for them.
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« Last Edit: September 14, 2021, 07:01:32 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Stopping the insanity
#1: September 14, 2021, 06:48:30 AM
Attaching.....
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Stopping the insanity
#2: September 14, 2021, 07:11:10 AM
Quote
Really in all the 10 months that has been the saddest part for me. Mourning the loss of my family.

Sad the MLC’r can’t embrace the core of what is most important. Family.

I had often thought that in all cultures and societies, the family has always been what people fought for, what people considered to be the most important thing in life, what people would give their lives for. This "loss" of our small family, just the three of us, is for me the hardest thing to live with, and even though my daughter and I are still a "family", it hurts.

My husband, who is an only child whose parents are deceased, left...he lived far away from either of us and never invited his daughter to visit him in the countries where he was working nor has he spent much time with her.

For whatever reason, he had to leave us. I know that his family is still important to him, but he, and other MLCer's must leave it behind in order to go through their crisis.

Although it makes no sense to us, why they would leave a loving and stable family, it is very consistent in this crisis, most members have seen the same thing happen.

Many marriages break apart for various reasons, but often those parents remain involved with their kids. This is different in MLCer's.

There are many thoughts about this..one that helped me is that the MLCer is somehow at an earlier age, before they ever met you or had a family and somehow they are living a life that could not include this family unit...I know, it doesn't make much sense. It is just one of the many theories of why they would turn away from what most people would die to have.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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T
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Stopping the insanity
#3: September 14, 2021, 07:41:20 AM
Quote
There are many thoughts about this..one that helped me is that the MLCer is somehow at an earlier age, before they ever met you or had a family and somehow they are living a life that could not include this family unit...I know, it doesn't make much sense. It is just one of the many theories of why they would turn away from what most people would die to have
Xyzcf -
I so agree with this. I truly believe in my XH situation he has reverted back to his last relationship age before myself and family. There was a lot of hurt and damage done to his “psyche” from the relationship. Many insecurities and I honestly feel I was an accomplishment / bandaid at the time he sought me for a relationship. To get past that relationship and his insecurities  and have self worth.

That worked and love evolved until the loss of our daughter. That is a hard thing to get through for the most secure and healthy individuals. I feel that the already insecure embedded feelings and then high pressure job allowed the now flattery and OPPORTUNITY from women to feed the delicate ego that is now his MLC. He has never had women show interest in him ( per his recollection of his past) Unfortunately, the interest is coming from his position. A emotional unavailable man is not attractive.

Now his moral compass is dropped to save himself from his own thoughts. Unfortunately for him it is not working and the added failures of the marriage and loss of family are eating him alive, yet…. He can’t leave the OW. ( MLC addictive behavior is real ) Showering her with gifts and vacations and expensive meals. Totally unlike him. It is so MLC script, however.

In the end I do NOW fully grasp that he will have to make the decision to face himself and ask those all important questions. 

Think about the times when you felt happiest, proudest and most fulfilled in your career and personal life. Are you still living your life in accordance with the values that inspired those experiences? If not, what changes can you make to turn things around?

I asked him that and the response I got was “I dont know” until he decides to even answer those simplest of questions and dive into how he got where he is and why the relationship he escaped to is making him even more miserable he will live in limbo and misery.
I am going to choose to keep moving forward and after this wedding on Saturday put my eyes on me and leave him behind.

If he ever gets to a better place and comes knocking ( which I don't see him having the strength to do ) I guess we will see truly how I will handle it. Right now since I don’t know who he is I have no desire to reconnect in a partnership, but if even a glimpse of who he was is trying to come back, even as a new version I don’t know what feelings that would trigger.

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« Last Edit: September 14, 2021, 08:12:41 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

T
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Stopping the insanity
#4: September 15, 2021, 04:27:28 AM
I keep wanting to get off the crazy bus, but I cant seem to find the exit. My S28 who works in the same department at work as OW ( my biggest issue with WTF was my X thinking)  had a conversation with me. Was told that he was assigned to be her contact for questions. Like a buddy system. He was furious. He said OW asked him a question and he was busy and told her he needed to finish what he was doing and he would help her. She got entitled and said “so, you’re not going to help me?” He said I am
I just need to finish this and she again came back at him basically complaining that he wasn't dropping everything to help her.

Then he told me they were moving her to days which means he would have to work all day with her vs now she comes in at night and he leaves as she is coming. I hate that he is in this situation and that his F could care less. He also was put up for a huge promotion that would have him moving to another state and was picked, but then when his F went to his boss to determine the new salary he was told his S28 couldn’t have the job. That they wanted to hire from outside.

They also recently hired a man who did the same job as XH for another company. My XH was told to stop traveling and stay in this location this new hired man is. My XH is over him and My S28. I feel very uneasy. Seems like they may know what my XH in his crisis has done and are working on replacing him and my S28 is paying the price as well. I know OW direct supervisor knows and told his boss about XH many EA with subordinates, but they dont have proof and XH denied it. I feel they are trying to expose it. Makes me very uneasy for my S28. I am furious XH cant see what he is doing.

On top of that my XH transferred $700 to my bank account with no reason or explanation. Not the first time he has done it. I finally figured out that I bought the liquor for D30 wedding this weekend and it came up in the convo we had when discussing our S28. I have told him before to not just blindly transfer money to me. I feel he is taking away things I am doing for my daughters wedding,
So he can just say he paid for it all. I paid for many other things however, so it is just random. I can’t understand where he is coming from.

I just know this is the same man that left me with no cancer insurance knowing I have reoccurent cancer, but feels the need to pay me back for a liquor bill. I will take it. If he wants to keep throwing the money at me, but it is clearly being done for his self and not for any other reason.

I have to see him today. I have therapy and then after work he is dropping some things off that he had st his condo I wanted and also some things for the wedding. We are going to go over the speech we are giving for D30 wedding. I have no seen him In 5 months. He has been gone for 10 months. I am hoping to keep it non R or Family talk. Keep it short and start major detachment. I hope I am drained from therapy, so that helps it along. I just feel like he “pokes the bear” in me, but in such a silent way that it makes me think I am crazy for thinking that way.

I feel that my eyes are opening to the silent manipulator that he is. Whether it is deliberate or not I am seeing a pattern of silent tactics. He has figured out how to shake my cage when he needs to and I am starting to think he does it to get me angry to justify his behavior. I personally feel when he has guilt or moments of clarity and doubt he wants me angry so he doesn't have to address his issues. Then he doesn't have them. I am the issue. I have the next 3 days of having to be around him. I am going to take back control and not let him get to me. I need to prove to myself that I can take back control of this crazy silent monstering. That’s what it feels like atleast. 

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« Last Edit: September 15, 2021, 04:37:48 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

5
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Stopping the insanity
#5: September 15, 2021, 05:08:26 AM
Following your Journey

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T
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Stopping the insanity
#6: September 15, 2021, 08:36:06 PM
What a day!! D30 wedding is in 3 days. My brother who I haven’t seen in 16 years showed up today. Met him and his wife for a beer before my therapy session. Therapy went well. Left therapy and picked my B and SIL up and came back to my house. They had a nice swim with my son who they have not seen since he was 12.

My XH came over to drop off some furniture pieces I asked for and then actually came in the house to go over my daughter speech for her wedding. He would normally since leaving not come in. He felt it was to painful. I think it was still hard, but he did it. We sat down and I told him it had went well with my brother and that was a relief. Said therapy went well. I told him that I only ever wanted to be a good mother and wife. Build a great life and career. I said I did that and then I had no control over it being taken away. I lost the same daughter and had many other tragedies in my life and despite that he hurt me anyways. Said that was a hard pill to swallow, but We are where we are. I deserve respect from him.

XH- he never meant to hurt me. ME-you did. You made decisions every time you lied to me, took off your ring, flirted with a women after eating a lunch I sent with you each day, or in the clothes I pulled out for you to wear.  I hope some day we can be friends. I hope someday you can show me the respect I deserve. I can not be your friend as long as you are with the one you cheated on me with. If you ever do the work and decide it is a friendship worth having then knock on my door. If not after the wedding we will not be in contact.

I told him we lost D14 and you are still in a bad place, but you have 2 children that are living. How do you think that makes them feel? You are literally cutting out of your life 2 children over the loss of 1. Is the D14 the only one that matters? So, you have to decide. Keep running and continue to get more depressed or do something about it. Dig deep in your soul and do the work.

We worked well on the speech together. Working through a timeline of her life and recounting stories of her and family here and gone. It was actually a very tender moment working on the speech and I think D30 is really going to love it.

When he left he have me a hug. It was a genuine hug. You know with some grip to it. He hasn’t been able to give a real hug since leaving, so I think he has made some type of progress. Not sure what kind, but some kind. I feel that was the last hug. Unless some miracle happens and he can figure himself out. I just don’t know if he is strong enough. So, I am going to embrace my family that is coming for the wedding. I wanted my family and my family will be here. Might not be my family with my XH, but it is my family. He just has no idea what he is giving up. It is so sad. It is sad to be him, truly. 💔
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Re: Stopping the insanity
#7: September 15, 2021, 09:30:42 PM
Tornup, I'm sorry but these are just the kind of R talks we are trying to tell you are just not productive with these MLCer's.

"I told him that I only ever wanted to be a good mother and wife. Build a great life and career. I said I did that and then I had no control over it being taken away."

"You made decisions every time you lied to me, took off your ring, flirted with a women after eating a lunch I sent with you each day, or in the clothes I pulled out for you to wear." (now this sounds like a mother)

"I can not be your friend as long as you are with the one you cheated on me with."

"So, you have to decide. Keep running and continue to get more depressed or do something about it. Dig deep in your soul and do the work."

I just feel you had a good opportunity to just have a nice time with him going over your speech with him for the wedding and had fun without guilty him.

I do know how hard it is to zip your lip though, been there.   ::)
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« Last Edit: September 15, 2021, 09:34:53 PM by Thunder »
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Stopping the insanity
#8: September 16, 2021, 12:07:08 AM
Isn't it interesting how we read things so differently?  This is always the risk with online things, we only see what is written without necessarily knowing the whole story/context.

What I read sounded like pretty clear (and not too harsh) truth darts (saying that he DID hurt her, even though he "never meant to") and communication of boundaries (one of the things in RCR's articles is that active friendship doesn't work if there is an active OW), as well as an acceptance that this wedding may be the last time she sees him.....

And this by no means means that I have read anything "correctly", just differently; I don't really know the full context at all. 

This has all happened so fast for you, tornup, and the wedding as well throwing in so many emotions....
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« Last Edit: September 16, 2021, 12:13:44 AM by Trustandlove »

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Stopping the insanity
#9: September 16, 2021, 01:47:00 AM
Trustandlove makes a fair point, as does Thunder. What matters of course, and comes with more detachment and time, is your ability to assess with your own observer’s eye why you do what you do and how constructive it is for you.

I suspect you didn’t say anything you have not said before. And it is likely that it will make no big difference in the greater scheme of things so no need to give yourself a hard time either way.  :) What you might find helpful is to consider the underpinnings of it and how that informs your own actions moving forward.

Do you honestly believe that he did not know any of these things that you said, that it was new surprising information to him? Or that what you feel and think matters enough to change his behaviour when it has not done so up until now? And if the answer to both is No, what were you trying to achieve by saying what you said? (And we have all been there, so no judgment from us, we are just encouraging you to look at your own behaviour and his with the more objective eye that comes with trying to detach more. Normal LBS stuff.)

It is a tough pill to swallow that, for whatever reason and however we label it, the facts in most of our situations suggest that hurting us or others or a slew of predictable consequences do not matter enough to govern their actions. It isn’t that they don’t SEE, it’s that they don’t AGREE or that it doesn’t MATTER sufficiently. No amount of our POV is going to change that after you have said your piece once or twice, so no need to repeat yourself.

I suspect that there is a difference - which is rather hard to see in the moment - between saying things that are intended to try to influence someone else’s actions (eg doing x hurts me so please stop) vs saying things that are about our own actions. As a notoriously wordy person, I had to learn that less words were almost always better lol. Either bc my words trying to influence were wasted or bc my actions communicated my POV more clearly than my words  :) Reading your post, I read that most of what you said was the former, a mix of ‘why can’t you see x’ and ‘you should do y’ with a bit of ‘this is why I am going to do x now if you are still doing y’. But truthfully, based on what you posted, most of the discussion was about you trying to get him to act differently, about ‘fixing’ things that are not in your direct control. Understandable. But perhaps not as productive as you might wish? How is that working for you so far, Tornup, based on the facts as you see them?

With time, I have come to believe that an alternative approach might be to simply respect someone else’s choices and the predictable and reasonable consequences of that in their own lives and ours. (Which is not to say that doing so is easy or that we have to agree with them  :) ) But perhaps there is a kind of arrogance in doing otherwise? (I speak only for myself on that one lol). Bc truthfully, it is only MY experience and opinion of my own cause and effect between actions and consequences that tends to change MY behaviour, isn’t it? Just as true for LBS as MLCers. Which is why we detach and let go and stop having R talks and stop trying to fix someone else’s mess when we reach a point when we believe the cost is higher than the reward  :)

I hope that the wedding goes well and that you can continue to feel grateful for the family that you do have regardless of what is going on with your xh. And I know that you are smart and sane and strong so I have no doubt that when you are ready to see your own wood for your own trees, to be in your own more detached ‘cheap seats’ ha ha, you’ll get there  :)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

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