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Author Topic: My Story Stopping the insanity

T
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My Story Stopping the insanity
#10: September 16, 2021, 02:11:42 AM
Thunder- I hear you, but honestly I think we did have a good and touching time. The truth darts were thrown in before the touching moments going over the speech. This has been going on for 12 years. He has to have someone giving him some reality checks. We actually laughed briefly which he never does and had good cries on his father who has passed. I don’t think I made him feel guilty. I made him see I am stronger. That I deserved better and that I want him in my life in some capacity, but not while he is with someone that hurt me and my children and who I frankly feel is hurting him.

I told him it is his life to live and he can live it as he pleases. I just dont see him being any happier . In writing it seems heavier, but there was more non heavier conversation in between this. That convo isn’t interesting or really relevant to add. It is hard to zip my 👄 lips, but I said what I needed to say knowing that he is not changing and not doing the work. After this wedding I am cutting off communication. I have to live with where I left it. I made his two favorite foods and packaged them up in a few meals to microwave for work and sent him on his way. He got a good mix of tough love and love. I don’t regret it. I told him I am working with my therapist to let it all go.

Trust and Love-

How you see it is how I see it. It’s funny because this sight has been a life saver, but it can be conflicting. You can get the harsh just cut them off, then the be kind and show love, etc. I know when I read the earlier postings from a decade ago it is a lot of support to save the marriage and then it switched to save you. I feel I do a little of both. I am trying to show him that he is loved. Maybe we may never get back together, but I love him. The truth is I love myself more.

Frankly, he fell in love with a confidant woman. He has to see that woman again and that is what I just showed him. I deserved better than what he did, but I know what he did he would not have done if he was in his right frame of mind and I will not enable him to keep ignoring it. A true friend tells you what you need to hear. He would expect nothing less from the woman he USED to love. My therapist said do what you need to do to start looking after you. I felt he needed to see a change. A shift in how I am handling things.

This weekend is my opportunity for him to get a gentle reality check. With me and family. We will be kind, share stories and treat him like none of this happened. Friday and Saturday there will be no relationship talks. It will be all light and airy. Those will be the moments Thunder you think should have been today.
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

T
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Stopping the insanity
#11: September 16, 2021, 02:45:26 AM
Treasur-
 I actually told him that he has only one life to live and he can live it how he wants. I said what I needed to say. My most important hurts. His letting go of his relationship with OUR  children and his disrespect for me. I need those things to change IF he wants me in his life. He does not have to choose to have me in his life. After this weekend the choice is totally up to him as I will not contact him anymore.  I did it in condensed form and speaking from my therapy session and what I am working on with her. So, was it things maybe I have mentioned? Yes, but in this context it was about what I am trying to resolve and learn to accept in therapy and take back control of my life whether he changes or not. I feel yesterday was completely different.

I feel it went really well. I am hopeful for a good wedding and yet sad I may never see him again. He does need to know I will forgive him, but honestly without respect I CANT. Without him mending the relationship with his kids I CANT. So, I have to heal and I felt if it could possibly be the last time together I needed to show love, friendship, concern and hope. He got it all.  He left with his favorite meals, a hug and an invite back for friendship if he is willing and able. He didn’t leave crying like he normally does. The whole visit was an hour. I didn’t linger in heavy convo.

I think he sees I am letting go. After this weekend I will truly be able to work on letting go, so If I ever do talk to him again those conversations dont matter and I wont have to say those things, but right now I DO, but if that hurts things I DONT CARE. It is my life and I am not able to change for anybody and I am finally deciding that he will have to accept me as I am. I certainly have had to accept him and all his issues. Arrogant? Maybe a little. I lost a lot of self respect. Maybe a little arrogance is what I feel I need to get some power back.  If he cant handle me as he is. In his crazy MLC mind. I get it. What I have to do is live with myself.

I truly believe I will not see him for a long time if ever again if something doesn't change in him. If he doesn’t hit his rock his rock bottom. Again, next 2 days he will only see fun me. I played it out in my head and I think it is the perfect ending if this is it. I can live with it. Let’s hope the wedding goes well and he and I give our daughter a great speech and I hope he in time will turn his life around. I am still in a little rescue mode helping him with his speech. So, there are still little hints of love and support at his every turn. He has to choose to see it and embrace it. He is a ruminator.  He will have a lot to sort out after this weekend filled with family.  I told him he can decide what he can face and not. Whether he has to keep running or not. What I do know is he is leaving with good feeling towards me. His guilt is with himself. He has to own it. It’s no longer my burden to carry for him.
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« Last Edit: September 16, 2021, 04:19:31 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

T
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Stopping the insanity
#12: September 17, 2021, 04:26:35 AM
Wedding weekend begins!!! Had some family last night over, but today most family will be over for food, drinks and swimming. XH said now he is really busy at work, so didn’t think he could break away to come. Ughhhh I said this is your daughters weekend. You knew it was coming. You have gone on vacations you didn’t have time for and weekends off that you never could take before and now you cant make a few hours to stop by for your daughter?

He said ok. I will stop by for a little bit after work. He is avoiding and escaping being around the family again. I should have let him just not show up. My mistake. Still trying to help avoid disappointment for D30. I have to just let him do or NOT do what he is going to do. I just knew she would be crushed. He is stating he is just trying to get through this weekend. He has no idea how hard it is to throw this family event weekend at our house by myself.

Also, was sent a video of OW on top of everything else. I have to say she is not his type and frankly a little hard looking. So besides her immature personality I am not impressed overall and as much as I really don’t  need things sent to me, this one actually helped in a weird way.  Even when we shouldn’t be jealous it is hard not to be, but I am definitely not now.

Send positive vibes my way today all. May today go smoothly for my family, but may my daughter enjoy the start to her wedding weekend. I am going to do my best to enjoy it with her despite the craziness of XH and his MLC!!
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« Last Edit: September 17, 2021, 05:03:25 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Stopping the insanity
#13: September 17, 2021, 07:01:11 AM
Enjoy this special time with your daughter and your family.

Quote
I have to just let him do or NOT do what he is going to do. I just knew she would be crushed. He is stating he is just trying to get through this weekend. He has no idea how hard it is to throw this family event weekend at our house by myself.

I may have told you this before but good advice I was given was to treat my husband like a long lost relative that I didn't know very well. We have difficulty because we tend to remember what they used to be like and they are not that person anymore.  :'(

We have no idea how hard it is for him to go through this weekend but I cannot imagine being in their shoes at a time like this. It is his worst nightmare. I am not at all surprised that he said he had work to do. That way he can try and capture the energy that he is going to need to face the family and the emotions of this event, in smaller increments of time.

I did not want his crisis to ruin my daughter's wedding and weekend....so perhaps just try nodding at whatever he says or does and  think "whatever".

LBSers are now the ones to do everything by themselves. It is hard and I have learned to make simpler plans or enlist help if necessary.

Your emotions/thoughts and feelings are very high understandably. Try as much as you can not to respond to his failure to live up to your expectations.

In reality, he is only a part of this day, there is so much more to love and enjoy in this weekend and indeed in your life.

Prayers that things will go smoothly, peacefully and that you will have all the strength you will need on this special weekend.

I also thought of events like this as a time of a "truce"...a period of time when we stepped aside from what had happened for a couple of days...kind of what they would do in a war over Christmas when both sides stopped warring. Just another way to visualize and makes things a bit easier for you.
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« Last Edit: September 17, 2021, 07:04:36 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Stopping the insanity
#14: September 17, 2021, 10:08:18 AM
I hope you enjoy the wedding, Tornup.
I hope you can lower your expectations of xh so you will not be distressed but detached if/when he fails to meet them. And that xh is, for both you and your daughter, just as xyzcf says, just one small part of a bigger lovelier event.
I hope you can lay down the heavy load of trying to protect yourself and others from the reality of things that you didn’t create and can’t control. And enjoy yourself.  :)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

J
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Stopping the insanity
#15: September 17, 2021, 10:59:27 AM
Sending positive vibes for the weekend your way, Tornup!
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5
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Stopping the insanity
#16: September 17, 2021, 05:27:49 PM
Wishing you the most wonderful time on your daughters very special day.

5hil
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T
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Stopping the insanity
#17: September 17, 2021, 07:14:56 PM
Had a pretty good day and night. XH showed up for a few hours tonight. All my side of the family embraced him and treated him as they have always. My niece told me she always looked up to us as a couple and she really doesn’t want to lose her uncle. All my family greeted him and hugged him. XH Brother,SIL and kids and his mom came. He hasn’t talked to his Mom in 2 years.  He told me on exit she was up his A$$ all night.

I was in the kitchen when he left. He said thanks for inviting me. I said glad you made it. ( so weird how they talk to you like a neighbor) He then stood there. I guess he thought I would converse more. So I asked if he wanted some food and he said no he wasn’t eating. He said do you want to lock me out I don’t have a key. I said no? I have a house full of people coming and going I am not locking the door.( again strange) I followed him out and asked how it went. He said everyone was very nice, but I just don’t feel like I belong anywhere. We had a brief conversation and then I said I would see him tomorrow and he said ok.

Party is still going, but I am calling it a night. It’s always so crazy to see him interact with everyone, but then when I get him I get sad XH. I know he is just putting on an act for everyone, but still exhausting when I then get the depressed side. So hard to see him just come for a few hours and leave. It is just so unnatural to me. I just will never understand how they just cant get through this. I just don't see him ever working his way out of this pit of hell he is in. I will never understand how we got here, but what I do know is I am in a much better head space when I dont have to talk to him. One more day!

Tomorrow is wedding day and our joint speech. Let’s hope we can make it through it and she has a great day!
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« Last Edit: September 17, 2021, 07:37:09 PM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

H
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Stopping the insanity
#18: September 17, 2021, 07:55:27 PM
Hi Tornup,

Glad that you had a good night and that you were able to make it ok with your XH there.  Hope the wedding tomorrow is beautiful and you have a blessed and joyous day.

HF
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W - 42
M - 45
Together 19 years, M 16
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

T
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Stopping the insanity
#19: September 19, 2021, 11:13:26 AM
The wedding!!! So, spent the day setting up for the wedding yesterday. Was triggered once by XH but I squashed my irratation quickly. We then decorated her outdoor arbor just the two of us adding greenery and curtains while D30, S28, future SIL and neice watched. We did a great job and non issues. Worker as a team like when we were married. Was a bit surreal.

Wedding ceremony after XH walked daughter down the aisle, instead of sitting next to me he went past me and sat on other side of S28. It was awkward and frankly a little embarrassing. I said that also to him. He said he didn’t think about it. I was pretty upset. Others from my family noticed he did it and asked if I was ok. I did calm my self and went up to him privately and said that it was embarrassing and he said he was sorry and I said it’s ok I don’t want it to ruin the night, so lets move on and have a good night.

He engaged the rest of the night. Sat down next to me several times. Stayed at my table all night and went and got me drinks. It was nice to see him engage with his kids and our family from
both sides. I did ask him at one point how bad his need to flee from the party was. He said pretty high. That made me sad, however I feel as the night went on he had more fun. He said he did enjoy seeing everyone, but it also made him very sad. I asked if  felt like his life is going in a good direction to be happy. He said no. He said I am still just living to get through moments and days. ☹️ I said I hope that he can try different direction until he found one that made him happy. That was a brief 2 minute conversation and never addressed him about his personal feelings after that.

The speech went well. My D30 however did not like it, so that was disappointing. I feel she is just hard for us to please. I thought the speech went well and we put thought into it and did like a roast of her life. Timeline of growing up. I think we did one on middle school and her being bullied at one point, but how her perseverance survived and she was able to continue through and get great grades and we knew then that she was going to be an amazingly strong individual. That is the one she did not care for.

 All and all a good night. I have no idea what my XH was thinking most the night. What I wouldn’t pay to get into a mind of a MLC’r just once. He did watch me like a hawk all night. Not sure what that meant. It did cross my mind that he spent the whole day with his family that he hasn’t for 10 months and then drove to his girlfriend’s apartment at the end. I think that really had to be quite the switch of emotions and thoughts in his head.

One other very strange thing at the end of the night. He said that our SIL mother came on to him. I said what? He said yeah. I asked how. He said she came over and introduced herself and said She hadn’t met him before, but heard a lot about him from D30. She than told him she was sure they would get to know each other in the future or would see each other again in the future.  I said that was not coming on to you. That is common courtesy conversation. I feel he said it to make me jealous. No other explanation. She is married and she is not interested in my XH. Just a very strange thing to say??

My brother, wife and 2 of his daughters ( my nieces) came. Hadn’t seen him in 16 years and it went soooo good. So glad to reconnect with family specially after the loss of my XH in my life. So, very good weekend. I was surprised how much fun I was able to have at the wedding and let go of the 2 triggers thrown at me by XH. I really feel the starting of some true detachment now that the wedding went well and is over. We shall see how the tides turn and the story goes from here……



 
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« Last Edit: September 19, 2021, 11:19:58 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

 

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