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Author Topic: My Story Stopping the insanity

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My Story Stopping the insanity
#100: October 12, 2021, 05:16:58 PM
Going to read your story from the beginning Tornup as I am always hesitant to comment when I do not know the entire history. But I am sorry to read about OW moving in ...but then again , it just might be a rather good thing.  Let them get on with it .Live in the real world with bills, housework, kids, stress  etc etc may put a damper on the "fantasy" soulmate stuff.  Still, I am sorry to read that . Going to catch up and follow along ...
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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Stopping the insanity
#101: October 14, 2021, 09:49:24 AM
Almost 1 year ago this month my life was blown up when my XH went out of town on a business trip and never returned home. He has told me that the OW is moving in the weekend of his birthday which is the end of this month.  The same weekend he left and never returned. He said the reasons when evaluated moving her in had nothing to do with her and everything to do with him. If he moved her in S28 will not have to deal with her at work, he will not be alone when he is in his worse depression and thinking of ending his life. Blah blah blah

He continues to be lost. He said I dont love her, but I have to do this. I have to see what this is. He said he is not worthy of me. He has no idea where he is heading. His past is all colored in pain, he is grateful for everything we had, but He doesn’t  think He deserved any of it, He is the worst person he knows, He is trying to not hurt anyone but himself anymore, however no matter what He does He still hurts me, that's killing him.  ( again, kibbles and self pity)

He stated that now they are moving in together she thought they should think of marriage. Ughhh, I feel he will do it. He doesn't want to be alone. She is not showing her true colors yet and she sees a meal ticket and she is trying to lock it in. I asked him if he felt manipulated by her and he said yea???  ( again, why did I ask? I know better. Can’t believe anything, so why ask) It is very hard to see this happen. I soon will just be a complete outsider with no contact and moving on completely, but I just was really hoping he would not get to this point. I can only hope she starts to show herself and it all falls apart before he blows up the rest of his life. My therapist said. “This can’t end well for him. The relationship can’t last” well, we shall see. IDK??)

It really is the hardest thing to still care for someone who is destroying their life and there really is not one thing you can do. The extremes of all his actions since he left not quite a year ago is just hard to grasp. I feel I barely recover from one astonishing act before the next pops up. I talked with my therapist yesterday about brining my kids in to a session with me. I do need them to not mention their father or OW going forward for at least the near future, so I can heal and move on without the triggers of his actions. I would be affected by a anyone making such huge mistakes when in depression. So, someone I shared a lifetime with is hard, really hard.

One positive thing is I wont have to be affected by his words going forward snd his actions are still an indication of where his head is, but it is still what he is deciding. In the end I just have to keep remembering actions always speak larger than words and that is never more true than with an MLC’r. So, this looks to be the end of the road for us. Not sure even if he came out of this if my pride could ever recover to take him back. Only time will tell, but for now I am moving forward with my life. Got my lists of things I want to accomplish and continue to turn my focus on me. This week was a detour of attention back to him, but I recover more quickly now. Which is good.

The last 4 years have all been about him. Actually longer than that as he showed signs in 2013, but 2017 and on have been all about him. I have shown devotion, love and loyalty and he is unable to accept or return. He shared a story from an MLC’r that he related to and that even confused me more. He said he read it every week.  This also confused me. Almost like he read it and decided oh, he moved in with her and woke up. Maybe if I move in I will know if it is real or I wake up.  Either way he seems to be totally spinning trying to get answers for himself, but still not looking st himself?  I don’t have much hope for him living his happiest life. I will just have to accept that and hope he works on his connection with his kids. I am going to push forward. Sharing the MLC’r story below he is reading every week. It is a good one
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My Midlife Depression

My explanation of how I experienced my midlife depression (often referred to as a midlife crisis MLC) is in two parts.  The first part explains my feelings at the time and the consequent behaviours; the second is a post mortem of my MLC from the perspective of having survived it to become a more integrated human being.

Part 1 – the MLC

I was 41 years old and in the space of one year I had lost a good friend to cancer and after many years trying to recover a failing business I had to finally admit defeat and declare bankruptcy.  Just like that my world had changed and I was back in the job market working for a younger boss.  This was the catalyst to what became a self-destructive search for meaning.

I awoke one day to realise I felt emotionally numb and that nothing in my life had any meaning - I did not recognise the man staring back at me from the mirror  -   I was a failure period! I was worthless period! I had lost any emotional connection to the people that once meant the most in my life – my wife and two daughters.  I had no connection to any happy memories of the past. I was emotionally empty.   At first, I reasoned that I must love my wife but I could not feel it, I must love my daughters but I could not feel it. Emotionally numb and terrified my thoughts were consumed with the fear of continuing with an unfulfilled life that lacked happiness, meaning and purpose, a life that was filled with hopelessness and sadness, that smacked of failure, routine and boredom – I was like a gerbil on a wheel going nowhere – this life did not reflect the life I wanted or the person I wanted to be- although I was not sure who I wanted to be. I was a maelstrom of confusion.   This confusion of not knowing who I was, lent a panic and urgency to search for a ‘new’ life because the old one was not working.  Time was running out, my youth was fading fast and I had to get the life I wanted now before it was too late - because the life I had been living so far had been a farce- not really but that’s was how I felt at the time.  And so began a journey where I  set aside my belief structure, my true-self and became a person that outwardly expressed a contradiction to what was real on the inside, a persona that bought into an illusion of success, fun, excitement and ‘happiness’. This journey lacked any real attempt to find meaning and purpose,  even though I used this reasoning to justify my MLC behaviour.

My new found persona gave me a ‘clarity’ of who I was supposed to be – Not!!! But at the time I was convinced by this new found ‘clarity’, this new found ‘persona’.   I started my ‘new’ life by renewing my pursuits of old, namely past time hobbies from my younger days.  This was done in an attempt to reconnect with my youth – because apart from the emotional void I also felt old and that time had suddenly passed me by and I had little to show for it – I had wasted my youth.  My wife bless her soul could see my despair and encouraged me to take up rock climbing and sky diving; these pursuits brought me into contact with new people and often involved weekends away.

It was in this environment and this altered state of mind, that I met a young attractive woman – at first we kept it purely platonic but the attraction was evident, she made me feel good, she admired me and gave my flailing ego the validation I so desperately needed.  This is not to say my wife was not giving me the support I needed, but her support came without the excitement of a flirtatious relationship – my wife represented the old life marked with an overwhelming burden of responsibilities and feelings of failure - I had come to hate this life while this woman represented freedom and everything else I wanted for my new life – so I thought at the time.  There is something to be said for the admiration of someone who does not really know you – your failures, your demons, your past – you can pretend to be someone else – it’s a fresh start – a blank slate to create a new more exciting life, a new more exciting you – it feels empowering.   Suffice it to say that I began an affair which offered me the emotional highs my marriage no longer offered.  To my new found ‘awareness’ this seemed to indicate that this new path was the right one.  As the affair progressed my affair partner became more involved with my new life than my wife – to succour my feelings of guilt I began to withdraw from my wife, this withdrawal was accompanied by anger as in my mind I started to view my wife in negative terms, I unconsciously created a disharmonious environment to bring out the worst in myself and her, so that I could give justification to my behaviour by exaggerating her weaknesses and her failures as a spouse and as a human being.  I began to blame my wife for my discontent, I projected my internal discontent onto our marriage. 

Eventually, I managed to convince myself that I had never been happy with her or our marriage – not true but my new persona, my new awareness had convinced me of this ‘truth’.  I realise now that I never stopped loving my wife in my crisis I had just set my feelings for her aside and pursued those feelings that made me feel less guilty, feelings that gave me an emotional high, feelings that made me feel empowered.  However, these feeling were always short lived – at first I blamed this on the fact that I was unable to pursue my new life with a wife and daughters in the way, but as it turned out even with my family out of the way these feelings remained short lived.

My wife finally found out about the affair – one would think bringing the affair out into the open would bring a sense of relief and freedom – now I could pursue my new life, my new ‘love’, without the tiresome obligations of wife and family.  But all that it did was turn up the heat from a frying pan to a fire.  Feelings of guilt, moral failure, integrity failure, remorse, regret, anxiety, lack of self worth, loneliness, failure and sadness were intensified.  So what did I do, I began to run faster, I increased the self-medication by  pursuing  a life of excitement to create emotional highs that in the moment made me forget and brought the illusion that my life was better, I was happier, I was fulfilled – but in those quiet moments the despair would return – so I kept on moving, I filled my days with work and many other activities so that there was little time left to think, so that by the time I got to my apartment I was too tired to think.  Although on those days where I was too wired to sleep porn sites and adult dating chat rooms became my escape from the demons in my head.  I had become the narcissist trying to prove that he is real!

My affair while in its secret phase offered the excitement to create the emotional highs and the illusion that I was ‘in-love’, but after exposure my affair partner in the space of a few short months failed to provide the emotional highs required to escape the darkness within.  To keep the illusion alive to my new friends, colleagues and family,  that I had made the right choice in terms of leaving my family for my new ‘love’ interest  I maintained my relationship with her and together we indulged in all sorts of ‘fun’ activities that required  spending much money (I bought a sports car, bought new cloths and got a tattoo, expensive dinners and holidays), drinking, drugging (only the occasional recreational joint), kinky sex and parties.  This new life did not lend itself to continued pursuit of healthier sports like mountain climbing and sky diving so organising weekend car trips around the country with my new friends of racing car enthusiasts became the new passion.  Yet, my affair partner just like my wife failed to maintain my ‘happiness’ – so behind her back I began to have one night stands.  My womanising not only enabled my new obsession with the excitement of illicit sex (this was the more popular pain medication I used followed by alcohol) but these women provided me with the admiration and attention that I could no longer get from my affair partner – not that she was not attentive – she just was not enough.   She was no longer the blank slate onto which I could project all my desires.  And of course I would at times use the poor me had a terrible wife talk to get further empathy from these unsuspecting women.

And so began my journey into a life of deception, lies and manipulation that brought me to the very pit of despair – although the journey itself offered emotional highs that convincingly created the illusion that I was at last happy, in all honesty the happy moments were fleeting – I had to keep moving and doing things that continued to create the illusion of happiness, if I stopped  the demons would return, each time they did they would be magnified – more intense -because each time I got drunk, slept with another woman, smoked another joint, lied to and manipulated people my self- loathing and guilt would be compounded.  This would create even more urgency to escape.......it was a never ending cycle of momentary escapes of emotional highs followed by emotional lows.  The effort to keep up an image of confidence and surety that my life was exactly as I wanted it to be began to take its toll.    All my effort was yielding nothing but emptiness.  The highs were getting lower while the depth were getting deeper as I knowingly pursued behaviours that compromised my integrity, my sense of honour, and yet like an alcoholic or person  with an eating disorder  the  knowledge that what I was doing was self-destructive and compounding my self-loathing – could not stop my behaviour.  I was addicted to a self-destructive life I came to abhor, but in the beginning it was a life that my ‘new’ persona thrived on, for the simple reason that it at least made me feel something, which was a lot better than feeling nothing at all or despair.   In the beginning I was convinced this new life was who I was supposed to be – it kept the depression at bay and brought me moments of ‘happiness’.

The depression could no longer be silenced, I finally hit rock bottom – I woke up one morning in my apartment looking at my sleeping affair partner with a fragmented memories from an alcohol induced fog from the night before.  In my hangover stupor I was suddenly struck by deep feelings of anxiety - I did not really know the person who lay beside me.  She was a stranger to me – she had been a welcomed distraction nothing more – once again I was struck by deep feelings of despair – only this time the despair was overwhelming and there was nowhere left to run – I was exhausted.  My life had no meaning at all – life had no meaning at all – life was a terrible task master from which there was only one escape – Death.   I kept these feeling in check long enough to ask my affair partner to give me some timeout and upon starring at a photo of my daughters in happier times I crashed – I curled up on the floor in a foetal position and cried and cried and cried for the loss of my innocence, self- worthiness,  integrity and for the person I used to be.  I was 47 years old and I had spent the last six years in a blur of mind numbing activities that had led me to the f*ck up that was my life.   As the 16th century saying goes “hell is truth seen too late!”.  My pursuit of happiness had failed dismally, I had made enormous sacrifices and burnt many bridges in this hollow pursuit.   I had lost the people who most loved me – I had discarded them like yesterdays newspaper and here I was a lonely and pathetic excuse for a human being let alone a man.  I did not recognise and did not want to be this persona, it had failed me dismally, it had compromised everything I had once held dear.  I lay there with one thought  a deep unfailing urge to escape the despair.  I was in so much emotional pain that death appeared as my friend to succour my despair and offer me peace.  For the first time in my life I had thoughts of suicide – in my despair I reached out to the only person I could really trust.....I  called my ex-wife......she recognised my cry for help and came to my rescue that day. 

I spent the next two years in recovery which included counselling and spiritual teachings - trying to find my sense of self – some peace of mind, forgiveness and my sense of self-worth.  I have learnt a lot, and have rediscovered the man I used to be but with some improvements.......after all,  this entire hellish journey had to have had its purpose...otherwise it would all have been a waste – considering what I have lost.   I still have a lot to learn – life is a journey of self discovery – and while I occasionally experience bouts of depression they are less intense as I have now developed the coping mechanisms to deal with it.  My MLC was the most spirit jarring and lonely part of my life’s  journey.  It was an Armageddon of my own making.  Today I have realised happiness comes from within and it begins with forgiveness, the most important part of which is forgiving myself for the bad choices I made, especially those made during my MLC.  For the most part I have forgiven myself for these bad choices however I still live with regret – well only one – and that is that I lost my only true love and closest ally – my wife.  While she has forgiven me, and we remain friends she has moved on with her life.  My relationship with my daughters is slowly recovering – bless their hearts they have forgiven their daddy.

There is a saying  “discipline weighs ounces but regret weights tonnes”.  Where my wife and my daughters are concerned I still live with the weight of tonnes – I live in hope that the day comes were I make my peace and truly forgive myself for this mistake.
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« Last Edit: October 14, 2021, 10:53:12 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Stopping the insanity
#102: October 14, 2021, 12:25:50 PM
A thought to throw into the mix fwiw in the spirit of encouraging your own impulse to step back from the insanity of it all, as you say.

Worth reminding yourself...
This is not your xh’s story. It is someone else’s perception of his own story. And there are some missing voices from it, of course.

Your xh is currently in the process of doing things that will write his own story, for good or ill. His story is entirely his responsibility and only his.
There is perhaps a bit of a hidden ‘trap’ in conflating the two for both of you.

Whilst it may not be intentional on his part, there is something that feels a little idk...manipulative, passive-aggressive, unhealthily indirect, delusional?...about your xh sharing this story with you when he is evidently not learning anything healthy from it and when his actions do not line up with the rational take away from the story.

You can’t do anything about the meaning he makes from the story but you can refuse to engage in it, or indeed to continue to care about HIS story as his sharing of it suggests he expects you to do or to infer what he thinks you will infer from it. You can choose to say his story is no longer a story that involves you and turn your eye more fixedly on your OWN story, which may or may not have a part that includes him from here on.

I am not intending to be overly cynical, but these needy damaged folks know how to press our buttons after years of a shared life. So imho that is s thing to be cautious about, particularly if we can sdd how it might benefit them if they do get the Pavlovian reaction they expect.
We change the pattern by changing our reactions. And that often just means caring less about their story post BD in order to care much more about other stories.
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« Last Edit: October 14, 2021, 12:31:03 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Nas

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Stopping the insanity
#103: October 14, 2021, 12:32:56 PM
This question arose in reading Treasur's post about his (perhaps manipulative) intention behind sharing this story he's been reading with you: I'm curious if he told you how he stumbled across this particular story, since it's actually a post from Hero's Spouse. The so-called MLCer was a friend of a former member here and that member shared it on her thread, but it was then linked in one of RCR's articles. (I read it with a ton of hopium in my early days - I've since come to see it as basically fiction, but that's just me.)
Anyway, the question arises, is your exH aware of this forum and/or your presence on this forum? (We have had members in the past whose MLCer/spouse found their thread and read along unbeknownst at first to the LBS).
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Re: Stopping the insanity
#104: October 14, 2021, 01:00:54 PM
Turnup how in the world did he find that article?  I've never heard of an MLCer looking up anything on a midlife crisis, or midlife depression.  He must be very unique.
My H would never have read that or believed it.  For one thing his attention span was way to short to read a long article like that.

I do think that article, even though only one story, probably does mirror many MLCer's and what they go through.  I really don't believe any of them end up happy in the end. 
They do run and run trying to find their elusive "happiness" but it is rarely found.

I'm sorry he is taking the route he is, I know it must hurt, but there is just nothing any of us can do to to change their mind.  At least not in a year, it is way to soon for them to realize anything.  Murky waters in their brains.  ::)
Maybe moving in with her will be a good thing.  She can't hide her true self forever.

You just keep being who you are and make your life as happy as you can.  Your kids still have you for support and you still have them.
Put him way in the back of the shelf for now.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Stopping the insanity
#105: October 14, 2021, 01:18:32 PM
Nas, Treasur and Thunder-

There is a lot of manipulative behavior from him. He says he hates hurting me, but yet continues. He obviously uses me as an anchor. Whether the story is real or fiction it is  interesting that he like you said reads, relates but continues his current behavior without any attempt to learn or change from it. 

As far as the article. He seeks out a lot of information including things on depression trying to relate, but he wallows in it like a self inflicted pain. Seeking out music from people who have committed suicide and videos on Robin Williams and others who did not survive. He reads a lot. Like his own therapy. So, I can’t imagine he is the first. He does know I journal-on MLC.  He says he has 6 MLC’r stories he reads but this one he reads over and over. Are they all from here,hmmm. Good question. Maybe?

The news of him moving the OW in was a set back for me as the possibility that he will continue this path to marriage, by a OW after his status and money. I have to work through this and obviously with this taking place in 2 weeks and the anniversary of his leaving it has hit at a painful time for me as it is. It is also the weekend of my rape. I doubt he didn’t think about this as men hardly pay attention to dates, but it had been a little insensitive. I don't expect anything more or leas of him anymore, but it doesn’t mean it can go unnoticed by me.

I do like to journal and document it all. Hoping I can come back and see my progress as well. I have only been on this site 4 months and I have grown so much, but these moments are always a reminder that you can get set back. One thing I do know is I am not hysterical and falling apart, but it has brought on some anxiety. I hate this. I hate that he is being a fool. I do know there is nothing I can do, but get on with my life, but I have to feel all the feels and work through it to keep moving forward.

I know he is not happy. I need to remember that he has done nothing to work on anything and she is getting a broken man and he is with someone who matches where he is. It is so easy however to have this crazy vision of pure joy and happiness and see it as a movie where their world is all bliss. Much like maybe he is trying to play out in his head how it will go. When I forget who he was and remember where he is and who he chose and stay in reality that there is nothing magical happening I can progress through it all much better.

 This week has just set me a little back in jumbling my head of mixed thoughts and emotions. Not really sure how I feel but just uncertainty. I have never been a person to handle crazy well and this has all been crazy insanity. I think also I know now it is a complete cut off from him after 32 years. There was always some communication through out this process. Also, I put a lot of emotions and love into helping him, before I understood MLC or found this site. I feel I have been playing catch up . If I would have found this site in 2018 I would have handled things so differently.

Ok, feel like I am rambling  , but that is how the last week have felt like. Just chaos in my life and mind. My therapist said lets get your empowerment back. We will work on that next week. I am looking forward to detachment, empowerment, and a place of calm. The storms are getting really old.
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« Last Edit: October 14, 2021, 02:03:17 PM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Stopping the insanity
#106: October 14, 2021, 02:27:44 PM
I searched a very long time and read a lot about MLC to try and figure out what had happened. It actually calmed me to read stories written by MLCers as they attempted to explain some of what they experienced...which is uncanningly familiar from one story to the next.

If we go really far back, Stayed's husband's letter really had a huge impact on many many LBSers.

I think it was in 2010 or 2011 that 8-10 members from HS travelled to meet Stayed and her husband and actually spent a few days with them. He was willing to talk openly to us and to answer any and all questions we put to him. He is a very brave man because none of us sugar coated any of our questions and he patiently answered us with his story, and his reality (which seems to fit the so called MLC script).

This is a tough time for you Tornup, as the holidays approach, his recent disclosure to your family of OW and his imminent move in with her as well as the anniversary date of his leaving. You also mentioned a date when you were raped, I am sorry that I did not read that before in your posts. Your daughter was just married and you have a husband who insists upon telling you stuff that causes more anxiety for you.

Because it is impossible after 32 years not to care about him, and to be concerned about him.

Quote
One thing I do know is I am not hysterical and falling apart, but it has brought on some anxiety. I hate this. I hate that he is being a fool. I do know there is nothing I can do, but get on with my life, but I have to feel all the feels and work through it to keep moving forward.

I do believe that to heal and become whole we do need to feel and explore the feelings that we have. There are many triggers that can set us back, both conscious and unconscious. I have had dreams that cause anxiety in me the next day..absolutely no way to control one's dreams.

Quote
This week has just set me a little back in jumbling my head of mixed thoughts and emotions. Not really sure how I feel but just uncertainty. I have never been a person to handle crazy well and this has all been crazy insanity.

I have friends from HS from years past and there are still times when we talk to one another and process how things are going. These people are a vital part of my healing for they get it and they don't judge me at all for my thoughts and feelings and emotions.

Some other members of HS who have not read the story you posted might find it helpful so thank you for sharing it.

Sounds like you and your therapist are doing some really good work. It is hard not to analyze and think about reasons why the MLCer is doing certain things, even when we tell our brains to stop, they can go off in several directions which causes anxiety and I find fatigue. Recognizing the cause of the anxiety is an important step in helping, as your therapist has said, getting your empowerment back.

Take care..there really is no right or wrong way of processing this and everyone's situation is very different.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

T
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Stopping the insanity
#107: October 14, 2021, 03:01:18 PM
Thank you xyzcf-
 I think for me going into the Holidays and really any trauma there is always something or someone that is struggling or going through something worse. There are always worse case scenarios. People making worse decisions and things that can not be reversed. I always find this helpful. At least for me. So, I thank god that I am not someone else at times.  So, I actually told him that maybe he should look at life that way. At least your not ..... fill in the blank .

His response…
“I'm trying to be at least….. I'm not hurting anyone but me anymore, however no matter what I do I still hurt you, that's killing me”

Yet, he has shown really no mercy in his actions since he left. His words and his actions don't match, but I also feel he really doesn’t want to hurt me. I just think he wants to find a way to live and he can’t have compassion for anyone but himself.

I think I will always respond to him if he reaches out. I don’t feel that will happen however. What I do know is I will no longer reach out to him. As long as he lives with her. That is a commitment that does not include me any longer.

 
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Re: Stopping the insanity
#108: October 14, 2021, 05:07:04 PM
I agree with you tornup, as long as he is with, or living with, the ow there will certainly be no friendship.

You have more respect for yourself than that. 
True friends have your back and will go out of their way not to hurt you.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

T
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Stopping the insanity
#109: October 15, 2021, 07:52:42 AM
For me there have been times where love and devotion clouded my thinking and frankly my self respect for myself. Therapy is making me see that my whole life I have been the  STRONG one that no one had to worry about. The stable one. So much that when in pain no one seemed to notice, maybe not even me. In the last few weeks while in therapy I started to wake up to the fact that I was continuing to put this man before me. He has clearly not considered my past tragedies or even me as a human being when he consistently made decisions to disrespect not only me but,our children, himself and frankly our entire life.

We had been a great team. Built an amazing life that was just getting to the stage of being able to really enjoy all our accomplishments. I don't think in his confused state can really understand the impact of his choices and the ramifications that they are making in EVERYBODY’S forever.

What I do know is that I had to take my life back. I need some control of my future and I need to stop putting this man before me. I have to stop being so strong that everyone around me thinks that I am not affected. That he gets all the sympathy. He is NOT the victim. His family he left are the victims. I don't think he will ever be honest on why this all happened. He however moving in a woman that he truly barely knows shows that he continues to make decisions by the seat of his pants.

So, I had a conversation with S28 last night. I was vulnerable and honest with where I am and have been in all this for the first time . I told him that through all this I have made excuses for his father. That he wasn’t thinking straight. He wasn’t well. I have put him above me out of love and hoping he could turn it around, but I wasn’t acknowledging the pain that this has caused me. That this has hurt me terribly. I have been a friend to him and he has not been a friend to me and frankly he has treated me horrible. I still don't understand why this happened. I don't care for the OW and I would be lying if I said it was ok for him or D30 in my mind to embrace her. Yet, it is still their decision to make. That their father not only lied to me, but lied to them when he left. He has not handled any of this with anyone in mind except him and I have been left behind to pick up the pieces when our lives were in more turmoil than his.

 Not only have I tried to help their father, but tried to find any way possible to keep some friendship so that we could spend moments together as a family, but I have been working on my own. That he has been gone for a year. Everyone knew of the OW, but he chose to disclose it to you when he then also disclosed the move in and to insert meeting the OW girls. That was a lot to put out there in a few moments and then exit your lives again. I was left to hear your thoughts on it. To try and make sense of it with you. Something that hasn't made sense at all. That I have been his number one friend, but was the last to know. It’s not ok.

As I wrapped up I told him that I had to start thinking about me. That in 2 weeks when his dad moves her in our relationship/ friendship will need to end. I can not support the relationship and I can not be a friend to him as he has not been one to me as long as he is with her. I believe he is not well, but he could get help, but he doesn’t. He should have done what he said he was doing. Be by himself. Work through  his issues. He should have made sure his family was ok and stable. Something the true man I knew would have done. Instead this relationship he chose over us all. So, with that said I need some time. A break from conversations of him, so I am asking to refrain from mentioning father or OW for a little time. Give me a little time and space to move forward in my life and heal a bit. I need to break my cycle of savior to him and if I am hearing of the debauchery I can not heal.  I can’t break my need to step in and help. I can’t help him. He has to decide for himself that this life he is choosing is not working for him.

I was vulnerable. I for the first time admitted maybe I am not invincible. That I am human with a heart that not only beats, but breaks. And that it is ok to show you have been hurt and talk about it. My greatest hope is not only for me to get my empowerment back, but that by being vulnerable with my son that he knows he can always talk about his feelings. That he will be a better man for his partner with communication and vulnerability. I think many men get into this place because they are raised to be strong and not show emotions and so things build and then BAM!!!!  I want to change that in my son. I want him to be better than that. I want to break that cycle.

I know as I process this huge change for us all in the next 2 weeks that I have no idea what it will mean for any if us. How this will play out in the years to come. I actually don't want to think about HIM anymore. That is painful acknowledgment in itself. I thought we could make it through. I thought I would always love him. Now I am facing the fact it is truly over. I have a lot to work on now to move forward and not be bitter against someone I put so much love and energy into. This is my longest relationship and the first one that may not end in any friendship at all. That has been a devastating realization, but I have never been treated  with so little respect by anyone in my entire life.

Will our history and past love equal forgiveness? Will the break in our friendship make me more bitter or open my eyes more to what a fool I have been? Somehow I think it will and that’s why I hung on for fear if I didn’t love him through this I would  hate him for what he has done. I guess I will see what I am truly made of. Somehow I think my loving nature at my core will hope he finds himself and he makes me proud by owning his decisions that caused pain and in that will come forgiveness.


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« Last Edit: October 15, 2021, 08:05:42 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

 

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