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Author Topic: My Story You’ve got to be smart if you’re fooling yourself

N

Nas

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Previous thread:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11793.150

Thanks UM and Tornup for your kind posts at the end of my last thread.

UM: yes, my therapist has suggested the person who’s taking on much of her caseload. Appointments are harder to get with the nes guy (and I really already know I need a female so this guy is just a stopgap). But my last appointment with her is at the end of this month and first scheduled appointment with him in early December, so in between I’ll be looking for a fit.

The thing is I’ve gotten to a really pivotal point in discussing some things, particularly early life sibling dynamics, and really don’t want to lose momentum. Hopefully I’ll find someone appropriate quickly.

I want to sincerely thank everyone who reads, even those of you who likely read and roll your eyes, lol. (It’s cool, I roll mine also.) It may seem like just rambling, but actually it’s been tremendously helpful to have a place to say things out loud that are…well, hard to say out loud. I omit and blur aspects of my life here by necessity but it really does help to verbalize what I can here.

It’s fun times here because the medication I’m taking because of the allergic reaction has the fun fun fun side effect of increasing my anxiety a thousandfold. Good times. 🙄🙄🙄 Thankfully I’m only on a 10 day course - 8 days to go. But under crippling anxiety/stress, 8 days may as well be 8 years.

I’ll be me again someday. You’d like her, she was swell. 😂

Starting my new thread out with my theme song:

https://youtu.be/sTm7aZE6u6w
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Great title  :)

And we rather like this current Nas. Funny, thoughtful, rather brave, shares good music with us - what’s not to like?  :)
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« Last Edit: October 07, 2021, 12:50:07 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Attaching....

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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

C
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Sticking with you, Nas… and we like all versions of you, but will be glad to see the anxiety reduced.
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HI NAS,

Following along, I hope this goes quickly for you.
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Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

H
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Hi Nas,

I'm along for the ride too.

HF
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W - 42
M - 45
Together 19 years, M 16
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

N

Nas

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Journaling:
(Just some of) the things I’ve had to let go of in the last years:
My home
My marriage
The idea of being a mom
The naïveté that *of course* I’d remain healthy and strong and not have any physical limitations whatsoever
My parents (and all that’s stacked up inside of that Russian doll of healing)
The idea of a stable life and retirement
The way I looked pre-cancer

Rest assured, I have grieved heavily for all those things and more, and continue to grieve for some of them.

My therapist a while back asked me to think about why I continued to comply with treatment or keep paying off debts even while I was in the darkest, most deeply unstable and emotionally terrifying time of my life.

She’s still waiting for an answer. She’d like one before she moves on to her new job in 3 weeks, but I’m not sure she’ll get one, at least not a complete one.

I’ve known grief often. I’ve known fear often. But there was always an underlying hope that if I pushed through, there’d be some time in  future that would make it all worth it. For a long time, I subconsciously constructed a life where it was somehow okay that my needs didn’t exist - because *one day*, the future I was carefully constructing would be so stable and safe and that was everything I ever wanted.

There was a time a while back where I realized all this and wondered if the dismantling of my entire life at my former husband’s hands was a kind of punishment for believing that simply by doing all the right things, I could have that stability and safety…for my arrogance in thinking that future was assured just because I’d invested all my hopes in it and expected it to happen the way I’d worked for and planned for.

Having a “someday” got me through a lot, from childhood trauma to BD and everything in between. Even after BD, when I moved and was starting a new life, I just assumed a *someday* was assured.

I don’t have that arrogant assumption anymore. And I think part of what I’m struggling with is what takes the place of that.

🎶🎶🎶
https://youtu.be/su20hxzJDM0

And a bonus track, just because:
https://youtu.be/40xiN95ZUII
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D
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I feel humbled by your story.  You are an amazing, resilient woman!
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M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

H
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Having a “someday” got me through a lot, from childhood trauma to BD and everything in between. Even after BD, when I moved and was starting a new life, I just assumed a *someday* was assured.

I don’t have that arrogant assumption anymore. And I think part of what I’m struggling with is what takes the place of that.

Hi Nas,

I think we all assume that a "someday" is assured.   I know when I came to this forum, I initially was fighting for my marriage and totally focused on reconciling with my W.    Now I am in the "someday" phase spending time thinking about the next phase of my life (whatever that may be).

Two events in the past month have reminded me on the fragility of life.   One event is my cousin's child who is in her teen's who was diagnosed with cancer and had surgery to remove the cancer.  A second  was a local high school student who had a severe accident leading to a permanent, life alternating injury.

It just makes me think that maybe the fairy tail ending in my life is not assured.  Instead, I have started to focus more on my attitude and ability to persevere through this struggling time.    I am trying to find joy in these difficult times and will not let my W's decisions or other life circumstances harden my heart.

I hope you can find peace in your life where your inner strength and joy replaces the wanted dreams of someday. 

HF

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W - 42
M - 45
Together 19 years, M 16
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

 

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