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Author Topic: My Story How to conduct myself around the MLCer

L
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My Story How to conduct myself around the MLCer
OP: October 12, 2021, 05:53:52 AM
Hi everyone,
This is such a wonderful place for aching hearts. I've read so many of the threads and articles here , they have helped me in my journey so fat , now I'm lost
I need advice regarding how to interact with my MLCer
He is in a relationship with a 25 year old prostitute he met when he went on a business trip to Phillipines in September 2019. She has 3 children.
He returned home in feb 2019, I sensed something was wrong , confronted him ,initially said he was rehabilitating a woman , as I knew he was lying and put pressure he accepted to being physically intimate with her.
Tried breaking up with her maybe a lie to convince me then to be calm, I was all over the place , finally in June 2020 said he wants  both of us in his life he cannot choose and will not let her go. Wants to live life with her as she is exploited and she has no one to care for her.
I did all the things wrong crying pleading rationalizing etc
He is in touch with her (not able to travel due to covid) sends money for her expenses, stopped sharing his account details with me.
Left home sept 2020 ,kept visiting home once in 2 months. If I ask for D he leaves home or does not talk about it.
He lives on our farm all alone , used to  call me everyday and speak for hours.
If I tell him I wont be part of his life if he has OW he monsters and stops contact.as long as I don't talk abt OW he is good, if i draw the line he monsters.
He has not told anyone abt her.
I have been the pursuer ,I went NC in May 2021
Except for 1 message every month regarding expenses which he provides
He does not call or message me nor do I, we were physically intimate till march the last time he was home
He has not spoken  to my elder son for 7 months , plays online games with the younger one.
My kids miss him , they r going through grief.
What do I do now
Should I reach out to him?
He may visit this week : how do I behave around him?
Is it ok to be intimate with him ?
His friend wants to talk to him : will it help?
I wish to save the marriage. I'm lost don't know what to do.

H -43 me - 43
BD march 2020
OW from September 2019
2 sons 16y and 10y
T 23 years
Married 18
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« Last Edit: October 20, 2021, 07:21:56 AM by OldPilot »

T
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How to conduct myself around the MLCer
#1: October 12, 2021, 06:53:43 AM
Oh, there are so many similarities in your story and mine in behavior and OW ( m XH is a coworker, not a prostitute) I am 10 months post BD and my XH is now moving OW in. I have told him as long as he is being disrespectful to me an our children and he is involved with OW there is no more contact with me. Do not reach out to him. Do not sleep with him. He has hands in both cookie jars and it is not healthy for you to put yourself at risk sleeping with him.

It’s all easier said than done, but turn your focus on you. Make plans for yourself to keep you focused in a new direction. I got this advise so many times. So hard to break away, but it is your healthiest option for YOU. Do things you have put off or maybe didn’t do because it was not something he enjoyed. His actions are showing you that he is only worried about how he feels and what serve him.
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

C
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How to conduct myself around the MLCer
#2: October 12, 2021, 09:09:03 AM
Not many similarities in our stories, but to me the advice from Tornup is spot on. He is trying to have it all, thinking only of himself. You need to put the focus on yourself and your kids, on building the best possible life for you as an individual and for them. It’s hard, and sometimes even when you think you have detached and started to focus on you, something will happen to make you realize you have a long way to go. But keep doing the work; it’s so worth it.
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How to conduct myself around the MLCer
#3: October 12, 2021, 12:56:27 PM
Hello Lostinthewoods,

I am sorry that you are going through this.

There have been other posters whose spouses have become involved with women in foreign countries, usually requiring transfers of large sums of money.

Have you consulted with a lawyer?  Your financial safety is really important. I know you wish to "save your marriage" and getting legal advice doesn't mean that you have given up but he is not the man that you knew for so long and he will most likely do things that you would never imagine he could do.

He wants both of you in his life...what do you want? Is this acceptable to you? It doesn't sound like it is so you get to make that decision. You do not need to try and change your beliefs in any effort to "keep him".....he needs to figure out what life he wishes to live.

Regarding being intimate with him, make sure that you use a condom and even more important would be for him to be tested for STD's so that you don't end up being infected.

MLC is not about you and not about your marriage. He is on his own journey and you can only watch and see his disintegration.

What is most important is taking care of yourself and your family. Build a life with things that you enjoy. Find a therapist that can help you to sort out all the feelings and issues that his crisis has caused in you. Many of the members here were diagnosed with PTSD as our whole lives were blown apart. Exercise regularly, get enough sleep, things like yoga and meditation can help. Sometimes medications are necessary for depression or anxiety.

People on HS are good at seeing things that sometimes when you are in the thick of things, you cannot see (or cannot accept/believe). You know your situation best and so trust your inner voice on how you want to proceed.

Our children also have a difficult time with this and sometimes we don't have the energy to help them through these very difficult years.

Many of our friends and family will not understand and that will make it very lonely for us as we know who these men were before their crisis.

Ask questions, read the articles about MLC.

I keep going back to this phrase:
Quote
I wish to save the marriage. I'm lost don't know what to do.

I am standing for our marriage and have done so for over 12 years. That's different I think than trying to "save our marriage" because  our marriage ended at BD. There really is nothing you can do to change the dynamics of your relationship. If he can navigate through his crisis and comes through it, then together you may be able to rebuild a life together. But for now, stepping back and just letting go of him is the best thing for you...giving yourself space to heal and become whole again.

Difficult to do...we really want to "solve" this, take care of it, find a therapy that will resolve things but unfortunately that doesn't seem to help. Most likely his friend reaching out to him will not change his mind about anything.

Take good care of yourself!

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« Last Edit: October 12, 2021, 12:59:12 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

A
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How to conduct myself around the MLCer
#4: October 12, 2021, 03:48:34 PM
“How to conduct myself around the MLCer”

I get it.  Initially, I didn’t want to do the wrong thing to push my H even farther away from me and our children. 

The thing is, you eventually come to realize that your conduct should not be about MLCer, but about yourself — to deeply honour your dignity and autonomy.
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Feb 2015: BD. 
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

H never left home.

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Re: How to conduct myself around the MLCer
#5: October 12, 2021, 04:10:40 PM
Dear lost, you are getting very good advice and support but Xyzcf's words are GOLD!

Please reread what she has said.

Hugs
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

L
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How to conduct myself around the MLCer
#6: October 12, 2021, 10:11:14 PM
Thank you all ao much for your advice and responding so quickly , I feel better knowing that I can come here to have my confusion cleared.
I do not want to live in a triangle relationship, it hurts me so much just knowing he is sharing himaelf with someone else ,when I saw that my husband who could not emote too well with me , going ga ga and all mushy with this OW , it broke my soul , even though its been almost 18months since BD , and haven't spoken to him or seen him for the past 6 months it still feels raw and hurts as bad .
I am in IC ,  I am trying to overcome this pain , some days are good , some bad , when I see my kids fall apart it kills me , I feel like I'm swimming against the tide trying to save my family.
I have let him be , I have no intention of getting together with him as long as he has OW in his life.
I have read NC is not good for reconciliation , I've also read to go dark , it is confusing my overloaded brain , should I continue NC , as he does not reach out to me , sometimes it scares me , I think he is going away from us , that he is choosing the ow and her family over us (out of sight out of mind).
He has not stopped paying bills ,

 if I have to secure myself financially beyond doubt I will have to divorce him and even then he could make my life miserable by refusing to pay delay payment etc . In my country there are no other options.
I've told him to go live his life , have asked him for divorce on multiple occasions, he refuses to discuss it . In the beginning he used to physically abuse me , but not anymore I will never know when that monster will wake up again. If he comes here to stay. He has told my little one he will come home sometime this week . My little one misses his dad very much ,in fact  he was the one who asked him to come home . I don't want to hurt my son. It's been 6 months since he left .
I've stopped talking about the ow since Jan.
If I behave himself around him (ie not ask about marriage or ow he will treat me well , if I were  to ask then all hell will break looae)
I dont think I can have friendly conversations with him after this long gap , how do I behave. Should i just ignore him.
 I got him tested for STDs when I knew he was intimate with her. He has not been able to travel back till now due to COVID , he is in touch with her through facebook etc , online sex etc
 I need some practical advise and tips please .
My only reason for allowing him to be intimate and maintaining peace is to make him see how we could be . I feel disgusted when I'm intimate with him as the visual images of them being together  comes to my mind.
I am a stay at home mom fully dependent on him financially. It feels like I'm walking on eggshells around him.

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T
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How to conduct myself around the MLCer
#7: October 13, 2021, 12:21:21 AM
LITW- I can feel your torment in your words. First off you can not allow yourself to be put in any position to be physically abused ever. Please talk with your IC  on this. The monstering when the conversation is not going in his direction is pretty MLC script. I personally would remain NC. This seems very unhealthy for you and you do not seem to be getting any positive interaction at this point.

You do need to secure yourself financially. Talk to a lawyer and get some advise. You will also need to start living like he is not coming back and that means also looking for employment. Try and focus on how to make yourself more independent of him. He is not the man you fell in love with. This crisis could take years and you need to make sure you and your family are safe and secure. Place all your energy on you. He can not appreciate or return the energy you are putting in him at this point.
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Re: How to conduct myself around the MLCer
#8: October 13, 2021, 06:06:55 AM
I totally get your desire to "save your family." Unfortunately, that cannot be a one person pursuit. Taking that onus off your plate opens up A LOT of space for you to invest your energy in saving yourself and the emotional well-being of your kids.
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me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

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How to conduct myself around the MLCer
#9: October 13, 2021, 07:04:08 AM
Quote
I am in IC ,  I am trying to overcome this pain , some days are good , some bad , when I see my kids fall apart it kills me , I feel like I'm swimming against the tide trying to save my family.

I am glad that you have a therapist. The trauma that is caused by this type of sudden and abrupt change in our lives causes our fight/flight/freeze nervous system response to go into high gear, to remain on continuously which can cause many problems. Learning to change the response back to a calmer state is very important for our physical and emotional well being.


Quote
I have read NC is not good for reconciliation , I've also read to go dark , it is confusing my overloaded brain , should I continue NC , as he does not reach out to me , sometimes it scares me , I think he is going away from us , that he is choosing the ow and her family over us (out of sight out of mind).

We initially want information of how to “fix” this, what types of things do we need to do to help our marriage survive. Unfortunately, without a willing partner, there isn’t anything that we can do, no magic formula, no “manual” of how to win him back (although there are many sites that you can obtain coaching, MLC is not the same as a marriage that has ended due to other issues).

The best thing to do now is to evaluate your life and what that looks like without your spouse.

It goes against our nature not to try and do something. My own personal belief is/was continue to allow him to be a part of our life. Others have found that it’s better to not have contact. When there are children involved, that is sometimes impossible to do.

Quote
In the beginning he used to physically abuse me , but not anymore I will never know when that monster will wake up again. If I behave himself around him (ie not ask about marriage or ow he will treat me well , if I were  to ask then all hell will break looae)

Quote
My only reason for allowing him to be intimate and maintaining peace is to make him see how we could be . I feel disgusted when I'm intimate with him as the visual images of them being together  comes to my mind.

These two comments raise huge red flags to me. Have you discussed this with your therapist? Both of these statements make me wonder if perhaps you are dealing with a domestic violence situation. Even though he is not physically abusive at the moment, there is fear that he could be if you do anything that makes him angry ie: “behave yourself around him”.

This is not a healthy dynamic. If you have not already addressed this in IC, please do. You might also wish to contact a domestic violence agency and goggle “battered woman syndrome”.

Physical/sexual and emotional abuse is NEVER OK.

Quote
I dont think I can have friendly conversations with him after this long gap , how do I behave. Should i just ignore him.

One piece of advice that was helpful to me was to treat him as if he were a long lost relative who you do not know very well.

Do not have talks about the OW or your relationship/marriage. Keep your focus on the practicalities of your financial needs, the needs of the children.

You do not need to contact him. He knows very well where to find you.
 
Quote
I got him tested for STDs when I knew he was intimate with her. He has not been able to travel back till now due to COVID , he is in touch with her through facebook etc , online sex etc

He could still be having sex with others that you are not aware of. Your writing about being intimate with him and how it makes you feel would suggest to me that for your own sake, this is not a healthy intimate relationship and could be detrimental to your well being,
 

Quote
I am a stay at home mom fully dependent on him financially. It feels like I'm walking on eggshells around him.

MLC can last years and there are no guarantees that he will continue to support you financially. You might wish to look into going back to school, or finding a job. However, having some legal advice about this would be a good thing because sometimes your settlement will be dependent upon your income and ability to work.

Please do not trust that he will be “fair”. Obtaining legal advice to know what you potentially might be entitled to will help you to take back control over your life.

Discussing a “divorce” with your husband and having him ignore you will not protect you. Once assets are gone/ sent to the OW, hidden or otherwise squandered, there is no way to get that money back.

I have been standing for 12 years and never wanted a divorce. I was able to obtain a legal separation to divide our assets. I was shocked at how little he wanted to “share” with me after 32 years. Some countries do not have legal separations and a divorce might be necessary for your and your children’s protection. You do not need his “permission” to further investigate what this means and I know it is very very hard when you want your family and marriage to survive this…..but it is something many LBSers wished they had taken more seriously.

 
Quote
I need some practical advise and tips please .

We say “put your oxygen mask on first” and so take care of yourself. You can make a list of all assets, the amounts in each accounts, tax returns with the present date. A lawyer can maintain a copy of this for you so that moving forward you might be able to prove how much he has spent on the OW.

Keep a record of ALL your household expenses for at least 6 months. Every expense, hair cuts, gas, mortage, groceries, kid’s activities. This will also be helpful going forward to have a very clear idea of how much you need to live comfortably on.

Plan for what type of work you might wish to do and the educational requirements you will need.

Take good care of yourself. Get enough rest and try to decrease your anxiety level.

Find some activities that you enjoy. Do you have friends that you are close to? Is there a group that you would like to participate in?

Exercize, especially outdoors in nature.

Enjoy your children. This is a very difficult time for them and breaks away from the sadness can help them realize that they still have one strong and supportive parent.

Plan ahead for the holidays and what you will do, who you will spend them with.

Know that this is not your fault! Be gentle with yourself and continue to ask questions and read as much as you can about healthy mental health strategies for yourself and your children.
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« Last Edit: October 13, 2021, 07:06:44 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

 

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