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Author Topic: My Story How to conduct myself around the MLCer

L
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My Story How to conduct myself around the MLCer
#30: October 19, 2021, 08:26:33 PM
Thank you for xyzcf, tornup and terra for being the guiding light , really grateful to you all for taking your time out to be my strength and letting me vent out here.

Yes Terra that is what he wants he told me till 6 months ago that she will be part of his life forever and I can do nothing about it , when I asked him for D and to let me go , he says nothing asks me to do it if I want to that he is happy as he is. (I stopped talking to him about her or our relationship or anything at all, until now when he has visited home , he just started to talk to me only general stuff). He does not see how he is hurting us , I don't think it matters to him at all , he is only concerned with his happiness.
I have told him that it was not possible for me to accept this life ever , now he treats me like a stranger. No compassion, no care no love , it hurts so bad to see him living at home yet does not care about me. He does stuff at home and talks to the kids. Very little with the elder one and quite friendly with the little one , talks to me like someone who is visiting,
He has only gotten worser as the days have gone by in terms of the way he is treating me , ( total emotional withdrawal) . Specially since I've put my foot down.

He has told the ow that he is married and that he loves his family ( I know this as I've seen her FB update about the way he loves me and his family, this was in the initial months of BD) , she is ok with it as this is very common in her circles considering her background. Now he is being loyal to her . He has shown her how he lives ,his house farm etc.  maybe she is in this for the money or is genuinely in love with him I dont know nor do I blame her , she is doing what she has to do to keep herself economically safe. Where did my husbands brain go?? I don't know .
He can't see the hurt he is causing , he spoke to his friend yday regarding MLC in general and how people choose a different life after they are 40. I suppose he has justified what he is doing in his head and not willing to look inwards.

He was mostly someone who did what he wanted, but he has never behaved so hurtful and definitely did not believe in polygamy in fact he hated people like that . Even hated people who cheated.

Now that he is doing it , it seems ok . He says life happened and he didn't go looking for it and we are all causalities in this. He has said and done  many hurtful things in the last 18 months , in the MLC world this is still early.
He has been in this relationship for 2years now.

Terra did your husband realize what he was doing and how hurt you and the family?? Did he ever feel remorse.
Is it worth standing for this marriage??

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How to conduct myself around the MLCer
#31: October 20, 2021, 12:51:00 AM
I am going to do a little cherry-picking with my answers here and I apologize in advance for my bluntness..... I have been around the MLC Mulberry Bush twice now so may have a somewhat different point of view after having to get back off the floor twice (in two VERY different ways as I had 2 VERY different types of MLC'ers - first was a high-energy replayer with a Monster the size of Godzilla on Steroids and the 2nd is a low-engery wallower)

Yes Terra that is what he wants he told me till 6 months ago that she will be part of his life forever and I can do nothing about it , when I asked him for D and to let me go , he says nothing asks me to do it if I want to that he is happy as he is.
Sure he's happy.... He's got
CAKE!
all he wants... he gets to play happy family to the rest of the world (including OW) and have OW on the side..... And OW has so little self-esteem that she accepts this.... What about you though? You DO have a say in this....
"There is nothing that you can do about it?"


(I stopped talking to him about her or our relationship or anything at all, until now when he has visited home , he just started to talk to me only general stuff). He does not see how he is hurting us , I don't think it matters to him at all , he is only concerned with his happiness.
Sorry but... He does see it, he just couldn't give a rat's patoot less..... It does not register with him at all because he is solely focused on getting his next shot of "happy."

I have told him that it was not possible for me to accept this life ever , now he treats me like a stranger. No compassion, no care no love ,
And you expected ... what ... from him? That he'd suddenly get his head out of his .... fog once you told him that you could not accept being cheated on and laid down boundaries?  First, MLC'ers HATE boundaries. Second, MLC'ers HATE responsibility. Third, MLC'ers HATE accountability. Fourth, MLC'ers HATE anything and anyone that is a buzzkill to their world of pink cotton-candy clouds, little fuzzy puppy dogs and unicorns running around farting clouds of glitter in Schmoopieland. Finally, as the LBS, the one who, in the MLC'ers warped way of thinking, is the cause of every sort of discomfort and negativity that they have EVER experienced in their entire life, you are just adding (in his swiss-cheese-brain) to his misery and it is ALL YOUR FAULT.

it hurts so bad to see him living at home yet does not care about me. He does stuff at home and talks to the kids. Very little with the elder one and quite friendly with the little one , talks to me like someone who is visiting,

That is because he IS just visiting... He's going back to OW at some point....
He has told the ow that he is married and that he loves his family ( I know this as I've seen her FB update about the way he loves me and his family, this was in the initial months of BD) , she is ok with it as this is very common in her circles considering her background.
She's OK with it ... for now... while he is still being the sugar daddy or whatever he is to her....

Where did my husbands brain go?? I don't know .
Sorry for being so blunt but his brains have settled right between his legs....

He can't see the hurt he is causing ,
Again, he does not care....
he spoke to his friend yday regarding MLC in general and how people choose a different life after they are 40.

I suppose he has justified what he is doing in his head and not willing to look inwards.
Yes, he has and no he is not... yet... Until they go <splat> on the rocks at the bottom, they won't look inward either....

He was mostly someone who did what he wanted, but he has never behaved so hurtful and definitely did not believe in polygamy in fact he hated people like that . Even hated people who cheated.

Now that he is doing it , it seems ok . He says life happened and he didn't go looking for it and we are all causalities in this. He has said and done  many hurtful things in the last 18 months , in the MLC world this is still early. He has been in this relationship for 2 years now.
"Do what I say, not what I do" is a very common motto for Mid-Lifers. In fact, you will be surprised how often the Mid-Lifer will make comments about how awful this or that person is in the news because they are doing this or that... Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the Mid-Lifer is doing EXACTLY the same $#!t but for them it is all OK because they 'deserve to be happy."
Is it worth standing for this marriage??
"This marriage" is dead as a doornail and was the instant that MLCH walked out the door. The REAL question is whether or not it is worth for YOU to stand for the possibility that he will (at some point) get his head out of his .... fog.... and make real progress towards coming to grips with whatever internal issues he has that has propelled him down this path, whether he has caused too much damage to recover from, whether the future LITW will be someone that is interested in the future version of MLCH and vice versa (one does NOT make the trip to Hades and back without changing, i. e. learning a few transferrable skills).

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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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How to conduct myself around the MLCer
#32: October 20, 2021, 06:43:56 AM
Thank you Ursamajor for that reality check , I know I have to personally detach from him , detachment does not come easy. I am trying,
I feel such great loss. In the beginning it was unbearable I've cried everyday for almost a year. Now I'm in a slightly better place.
I know now he is cake eating,
Before reading your reply I was of the opinion that since he is mostly staying away and we have no physical contact or any deep emotional conversations , I was not enabling cake eating .
I've let him make his choice , I've clearly stated I would not continue this relationship if he wants to be with ow.
He is also keeping himself as far away from me as possible, making polite conversations only.

I have not told his family except for an aunt and his mom ( she refuses to talk to him about it)  , i have told only a few of my friends no one has confronted him as they feel, he may stop paying the bills and putting me in a tough situation, or that he will feel entitled and just bring her here and live with her , right now he has not told anyone. Everything is happening secretly .Even when his friend tried to ask him he refused to open  up or tell anything about the ow .

I'm not sure if it is a good idea for friends or family to confront him , should I expose him.

Knowing my MLCH , he will use it an excuse and flaunt his affair and the ow. Once exposed he will have nothing to hide I would have made it easy for him.
He will bring her here and  live with her in our secluded farm. He is not in touch with anyone , has hardly any contact with anyone from the family. (He was always like this ) only get togethers once a year , they have good fun , however he was very close to my sister and since the day I told her about the ow he does not talk to her.
Does not have friends who he confides in , everything he thinks is made up in his head , he thinks the ow is in love with him and because of his love and affection he has saved her from her bad life , has refused to see a therapist he says he does not want anyone else getting into his head as these are his choices.
I don't think he will miss his life.
He wants to develop his farm and quit his job , does not want to be answerable to anyone.
 I suppose there is no rock bottom for a man like him .

And yes I understand my marriage is dead, the hope is for him to become someone with morals and values , I'm not expecting him to be the same person he was before BD . In fact I dont think I want even that man now .
After giving my all and tolerating all his BS he threw sh$$ on my face.
I don't know why I hurt so much for someone who gave so little.

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How to conduct myself around the MLCer
#33: October 20, 2021, 06:53:05 AM
Ursamajor ,
Some of your replies and memes had me laughing .

Facing MLC twice , that must have been horrendous.

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T
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How to conduct myself around the MLCer
#34: October 20, 2021, 07:01:05 AM
Lostinthewoods- introvert, isolation from family, no friends, avoidant!!!! All in my XH as well. The OW/Om could be anyone. She/HE are interchangeable. They are a clean slate. Someone who does not know their past, their mistakes and failures. They can start a new. That is what avoidant people do in crisis. Expand their escape from the reality of the life they need to escape from.

I have not spent a year crying, but I have spent a year attached and it has made my life miserable. Everyone told me DETACH and it doesn’t happen until you get tired of being in a place that is not evolving FOR YOU. Just keep working the best you can to focus on the life you want FOR YOU without him FOR NOW. These MLC’rs can make the sanest person literally insane.  They may not have their aha moment of realization, but you will have that moment when you decide enough is enough and you direct your attention to YOU!!! Mine just came. Oh, how I wish I could have gotten there a long time ago. Time carries us through the pain to healing.
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« Last Edit: October 20, 2021, 07:02:53 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Re: How to conduct myself around the MLCer
#35: October 20, 2021, 07:21:36 AM
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
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t
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Re: How to conduct myself around the MLCer
#36: October 20, 2021, 09:27:18 AM
Good morning and I agree with UM and the sassy blah blah dog. One thing I like about bears and dogs is that they are pretty frank.

The thing about the ow in this case is that she is very, very far away — that means that both of these people are able to “sustain” their “love” for each other and to feel it ever so deeply. Because long-distance relationship is made of whatever words or images, and the body on either side of the geographical expanse has all that expanse and a lot of time on its hands to fill in the gaps. With itself, understand? And with its own imaginings, projections, set of memories, and intentions that the other person doesn’t really have opportunity to see in the flesh or to take issue with. There’s weird “noble” ideals such as remaining “true” to that person or relationship, but that’s kind of a fantasy too; if you count the minutes two people in LDR are actually in contact or conversation with each other, how much time in any day or night are they doing something entirely else? It’s not the same as living in proximity and relating under the same roof.

This is why I cut contact with my h. There’s no telling what he is up to when he’s not here in the same physical area, even if I had mountains of cash and socked a PI on him 24/7. So much of his infidelity happened or happens via the cellphone, so any PI would have to see into all that too, and I already know that I don’t want to know.

The long-distance fantasy can go on for a LONG time. Prior to smartphone or internet technology I think this was far less common, but it wasn’t unheard of or very uncommon even back when. People just have more immediate access to others, now, all over the world. Here too; on HS we are spilling the tea daily and to a readership that we don’t even know where we all are or what we look like, etc. I struggle with this and at same time, I still do it. I just don’t intend to ever shack up with it, or to prioritize any internet connection over my family.

My h played it for a long time like he couldn’t understand why or how his choices hurt me, the kids, his folks. I think sometimes he really didn’t understand, and that was mind-bending to me, because like like yours, he looked down on cheating and cheaters, and spouses and *especially fathers* who did not put their family first and highest priority.

There’s a self-healing practice about what would you do in life if it weren’t so crazy or unacceptable. I did that consideration in my 20s and nobody likes my list ;D except me. It is all very crazy and unacceptable! The point of the consideration is to meet your own shadow and befriend it somewhat, and find reasonable and non-harmful ways to exercise and integrate it. I have a dark little list and I am ok with how I walk it or live it in the ways that I do. It feels like h and other MLC types have got hold of that self-healing consideration and just detonated it, misunderstanding the whole exercise and really using it to justify some of the worst of human behavior.

One thing I know: If the person you are married to isn’t trustworthy, don’t trust them. Even if you promised in your vows that you forever would. The vows are usually before God and He wants for you to stay sensible, self-valuing, and aligned with Him most of all. Not to get religious about it; just, no matter how much we love someone else, our own body and brain and heart have to know that if push comes to shove, except in the case of children and the very vulnerable, it really is about Me First.

That may be what an MLCer thinks too, as it goes about wreaking havoc in the lives and hearts around them. In that case, some other tiger or T. rex is chasing their brain, and you can expect that it has probably been doing so for most of their life. Trauma changes our brain even physiologically, especially in childhood it can inhibit the development of key brain function. That’s not anyone’s fault; it’s just how we are made. I see it more in my h than I do in myself, but I see it in myself too.

At many points, my h was as simple as a child, in his inability and lack of understanding. Like some part of his emotional comprehension suddenly cut short at age five. He wanted two wives as winsomely as a little child wants both pieces of candy, and at some points almost cried. I say so because I think if your h displays similar emotionality, the mother in you will feel it and want to respond, console, pacify, make it better. We just can’t. Whatever that wanting is, it’s not something we have the power to fix, or really, even give much credence to.

My h was childlike about it all for a year or more. About two years in, I don’t exactly know what changed. He chose in favor of the ow and installed her quite firmly (or she installed herself, I don’t know). Then he just got mean. It seems like he must know how it hurts me, and I think now he deliberately does/says things to cause me pain; he’s pretty specific. I can’t tell anymore if he is unaware or acutely aware. I still cherish the good man I thought I knew, so I have cut contact to limit the damage to my ...what may have been illusion, or projection.

That is my way of self-conservation, self-preservation, Me First. If I were not a mother, I can almost guarantee I’d be living with him and probably going crazy from ongoing triangulation. Instead I live with my D and her cat and h doesn’t know where we are now. I can breathe and I can also tease apart some of the marital dynamic, and most and best of all, I can see and feel and be who I actually am.

No eggshells. Well, ok, *some* eggshells, but only in the kitchen and only when I am cooking or baking. Get the good nourishing stuff out of any moment or interaction, and then toss the eggshells right away.

You’re going to be ok, as much as it not feel like that initially. In some ways it’s a matter of getting to know yourself again — you’d be surprised how much we give up or suspend or reserve, even in healthy couplehood — and resetting your priorities and what you actually stand for.

You don’t have to stand for disrespect. You can state your basic and very reasonable normal expectations, and at any show of disrespect, you can show it the door.

Sometimes I think h mistreats me now simply because I told him No and said clear boundaries. But I’m glad I said and hold those. I’m sad at the divide, but — if this makes sense? I feel safe on my side of it.

One of the most important parts of this whole crummy relational experience is that you know full well who YOU are, and what YOU authentically stand for. For me, finally, it turns out I stand for myself and all children, and oddly enough, a mountain. And really the spousal relationship especially when negative can take a back seat.

That’s taken a lot of time and tears to figure out for myself. So take each day as it comes, sometimes minute to minute, and even when each minute seems endless or just tawdry and awful, know that each minute to come WILL come, and you’ll come right along with it. You aren’t alone.
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L
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How to conduct myself around the MLCer
#37: October 21, 2021, 07:34:46 AM
Thank you for your replies, I read your posts again again,I will reply to your posts in detail however now
I need your views on the below
 it's his birthday this Saturday, do I get him a cake , popular opinion (friends) says no
For my Birthday this year
He just messaged me : Goodmorning and Happy Birthday.
no call , no gifts , nothing.
I do not know what to do, I thought I will take the high road and get him a cake and nothing else .
Should I wish him at all?
What is your opinion?
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T
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How to conduct myself around the MLCer
#38: October 21, 2021, 07:45:47 AM
That’s a tough one. I think just a simple message Happy Birthday?? My XH did email me first thing with his work email. “Wishing you a Happy Birthday” It would have been more personal with a text, but he did reach out.

With that said even with my children being adults I would do a combined gift from all of us. My XH had all his bird feeders stolen from his condo. His Birthday is next weekend and he is moving in his gf that weekend. Before I was told I bought replacements from all the kids and also made one with his college team and used a license plate for the roof from one our first cars.

I gave them to him as they were already done. That will be the last bday gift from me. He will have to look at that personalized bird house for years to come. I always did one hand made gift. To me there is nothing better. For me is was a good way to end the gift giving. It was by far more than he deserved.
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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How to conduct myself around the MLCer
#39: October 21, 2021, 08:48:21 AM
What are your expectations for him reacting to a cake or other present?

Unless you can honestly look yourself in the mirror and say TRUTHFULLY that you are OK if he does not acknowledge the cake or that he throws a purple hissy fit over the cake, or that he gets all gushy over a cake... Unless NONE of these or ANY OTHER reaction at all will phase you in the slightest, a simple message like his is MORE than enough....

Anything more, in the eyes of the Mid-Lifer is either an invite to a cake-eating party or seen as the big bad old LBS putting pressure on the Mid-Lifer and trying to guilt trip them, especially if he did nothing more than a text message for your birthday....

There IS no "High Road" here. There is the road to healing and the road to the Roller Coaster... Your choice....
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

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