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Author Topic: Interacting with Your MLCer How to conduct myself around the MLCer

L
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Interacting with Your MLCer How to conduct myself around the MLCer
#10: October 13, 2021, 10:31:56 AM
Thank you tornup and forthetrees for you reply
It's true that a marriage needs both of us to be invested to make it work . It is so difficult to accept the reality that my marriage may be over
 xyzcf thank you so much for taking time off and giving me such detailed and clear reply about actionables. A big hug to you all.
When he comes home I'll just treat him politely, only respond if he asks anything  like with a lost relative. This is a very good advice , thank you.
I will not allow him to be physically or sexually abusive with me anymore , I will go to the law for protection if he repeats it again.
Emotional abuse I dont think I can stop him, I just have to learn to handle myself better and stop letting his actions bother me and make myself strong.
I have consulted a lawyer , but nothing very promising. Since our assets are in joint names , he cannot do much about it , only thing he can squander away is his salary. So far he has fulfilled his commitments for the Bill's.
I have friends with who I have shared my ordeal they are supportive of me of whatever decision I will take.
I pray , I get solace and leading.
I am planning on doing my Masters, just haven't been able to pull myself to do it yet , I'm forgetting things , not confident if I'll be able to finish . I'll make that decision soon, once my son finishes high school ie in a year I'll try to get a job. Not many opportunities where I live.
I did blame myself for a year wondered where I went wrong , I even asked him , he told me nothing was wrong with me and I was the only one who can love him so much , but he cannot leave her , he says it's my choice to end the marriage because he does not want to end it with me.
As I've read about MLC I thought I should give this sometime because making that decision.
He started these MLC signs in 2015 (unhappy with life , not satisfied with work - even though he was doing well. Wanted to get away from it all.
I did not know about MLC then , only knew about it after BD. By now it's too late to help him as he is in the peak of his crises , in his mind he is helping the ow out of a bad situation as she has not been loved ever before he is her knight in shining armor who will love and protect her and show her there is more to life. Basically she has painted a convincing damsel in distress story and he fell for it and her , I know he must love her enough to sacrifice his family for it.
This knowledge hurts but it's the truth.
I'll keep coming here for help and guidance , thank you once again for your love


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T
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How to conduct myself around the MLCer
#11: October 13, 2021, 11:29:29 AM
Quote
  in his mind he is helping the ow out of a bad situation as she has not been loved ever before he is her knight in shining armor who will love and protect her and show her there is more to life. Basically she has painted a convincing damsel in distress story and he fell for it and her , I know he must love her enough to sacrifice his family for it
He doesn’t love himself, so he can’t love her. My XH affaires down the same way. They need the ego boost for their insecurities. She is just a distraction from whats wrong with him that he wont deal with. Don’t give the OW another thought. She could be anybody and she is not the issue st hand. His messed up MLC brain is the issue
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H-54 W-58  Married 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14
2009 D14 dies from cancer
2013-D30 marries & issues for H begin
Summer ‘15 pulling away
August ‘16  H turns 50 & promo requires travel                     2017-disconnected
Jan 2018  H rather div. then talk.  H stopped Div.
march 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by OW
Sept ‘18 bought 2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state
OW4- 46 subordinate at work
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Aug21- H regrets & some clarity. Still escape and avoid
Oct 2021- detaching

The beginning of my journalling
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.0

t
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Re: How to conduct myself around the MLCer
#12: October 13, 2021, 01:26:53 PM
Hello and I am so sorry you are in these circumstances, and also glad you found here.

In addition to the other advice given, please consider not having sexual intimacy with him at all. Regardless what the young woman has been up to or whether she has ever been “loved”, and regardless whether she is far away and inaccessible now — she has a history of prostitution. I can’t think of a higher risk occupation.

Last I heard, men cannot be tested for the variant(s) of HPV that cause cervical cancer. That is transmitted and shed and shared asymptomatically and can verifiably result in a medical condition that can actually kill you. It doesn’t appear to impact men the same way. But if a woman contracts it, it can result in at the very least a year or more of irregular pap results, painful biopsies, and whatever methods of treatment or removal, followed by continued watching and medical expense for years afterward.

If a man has visited and fallen in love with a prostitute, it’s probably not a reach to guess that she was NOT the first or only such professional he has approached.

Your sex, your body, your health, and your love are all worth so much more than this. And I know it’s difficult to say no to the spouse we have long loved, but at this time you are dealing with a different person.

I was in my mid-40s before I ever knew there was an HPV variant (or more) that could kill a woman. It took six years or more for my body to clear the virus and because the pandemic happened next, I have no idea if any trace of it still remains. H swore ow1 and ow2 were “clean”, but he also swore they were gone.

The biggest thing is that your h has proved to be a liar. So if you can, be stalwart and keep your precious body apart, for now. He really has to earn that gift of you back.
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L
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How to conduct myself around the MLCer
#13: October 14, 2021, 04:59:33 AM
Thank you for your reply turnup in some weird way it feels comforting. I know I have to let it go , I don't want to see them happy ( the devil in me I guess)
I also know I have no control over his stupid MLC head and heart which is devoid of empathy and emotions for me. I wonder how they can have so much love care and concern for ow and her kids her family but not for his own kids and a wife who stood by him in all times.  I just can't understand it , his reaction to me is conditional ie I have to accept the ow as part of  our lives  then he will be good to me otherwise I get nothing only contempt, hatred and distance . But if the ow distances herself he is so distraught begs and pleads with her , its mind boggling. 
My husband knows the ow is 100 times worse than me(his words) and he can only try to make a life with her,  but still wants her at the cost of everything he has built so far .I cannot understand the logic.
In fact he thought we could all live together as one big happy family (ROFL). I don't know how to insert emojis , I dont see an option  , please let me know how to do it.
I think he thought his wife was so stupid or too much in love with him to deny him this , I have always accepted what he wanted. But this is my line , I cannot and will not tolerate this nonsense.
Like I've said earlier I fear losing him , he was my life and my world.everything revolved around him.for me it hurts too much.
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L
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How to conduct myself around the MLCer
#14: October 14, 2021, 05:16:28 AM
Hi Terra thank you for your precious advise , I didnt know abt HPV and cervical cancer , the scary thing being it cannot be detected easily, I had  got myself tested for STDs , everything was normal .after reading your experience  I can only hope I will be ok .

I was in my mid-40s before I ever knew there was an HPV variant (or more) that could kill a woman. It took six years or more for my body to clear the virus and because the pandemic happened next, I have no idea if any trace of it still remains. H swore ow1 and ow2 were “clean”, but he also swore they were gone.

I hope you are ok and fine now!

The biggest thing is that your h has proved to be a liar. So if you can, be stalwart and keep your precious body apart, for now. He really has to earn that gift of you back.

Yes I see the liar that he's been . I was living in a fog , it's clearing only now after 23 years. Sad
I always thought he was gods blessing for me throughout my marriage I have lived in a bubble now I have to rethink everything , in fact even my friends told me that this may not be the first and only instance as no one just picks up a girl off the streets if he hadn't done it before , I refused to believe them. I trusted him more than me. But reality has bitten real hard , now everything he has done , everything that he was  has now become question mark in my head. I'm wondering why I didn't see it earlier how dumb can I be ??
I will not be intimate with him after this , I don't know how this will go , if he will monster or withdraw further away from us I don't know . I dont know if he will walk out , it makes me panic when he walks out on us , I get panic attacks it drains me , I only wish I can stand my ground , I'm fed up of being treated like I've made the mistake, he is punishing me for not accepting his new life by not talking to me and emotionally withdrawing from us .  I know I need to draw my boundary now.
oh God it's so tough so tough , hurts so much . God give me strength.
Thank you all for your love
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« Last Edit: October 14, 2021, 05:21:21 AM by Lostinthewoods »

L
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How to conduct myself around the MLCer
#15: October 15, 2021, 02:00:12 AM
Hi everyone hope you all are well
He has told my son he is coming home tomorrow, he has not said how long he will stay , it's been 6 months since he left since we have spoken.
I don't know what to do when he is here its sad, and painful to see him again , I had started learning to live without him   :( it will open old wounds and my progress is going to be stalled.

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How to conduct myself around the MLCer
#16: October 15, 2021, 06:28:18 AM
This is terribly anxiety provoking for you. His telling his son and not letting you know after no communication in the last 6 months is really not right.

The feel very entitled don't they?  And absolutely no sense as to how this affects us.

Please stay safe.

Set boundaries around where he will sleep, whether he is allowed to touch you or not and plan to get away from the house to give yourself a break from his being there. You can also decide if you will listen to him talk about OW or not. You can speak clearly about that stating that you will not engage in conversation about her.

Do you have a close friend or family nearby? It might be good for them to know that he is coming to the house.

I hope this visit will be peaceful. Breathe, go for a  walk and don't let him take away the progress you have made. You are not the same woman as you were 6 months ago. He will soon find that out.
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« Last Edit: October 15, 2021, 06:30:00 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

L
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How to conduct myself around the MLCer
#17: October 15, 2021, 09:44:50 AM
Thank you xyzcf for your advise, I have decided I'm going to treat him like a long lost relative like you said in the previous post, no touching, no friendly sweet conversations etc .
I've informed my friends that he will be in town and their numbers are on speed dial.
Its heartbreaking to see my son so excited, I feel he will be disappointed because at the back of my mind I feel we may not be a family again.
He already knows that I will not entertain discussions about the ow , he does not do it unless I talk about our relationship and her presence in his life anyway it does not go well , so those discussions are a no no.
I think he is just coming because my son was missing him and he asked him to come .
I hate the way he is behaving, I hate everything about him now.
I don't know why I'm standing , don't know if it is worth it.
Sometimes the thought that he maybe in MLC and may change is what makes me want to stand for some more time . I guess eventually some decision has to taken and closure got.
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