Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story MLC h and xw

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4346
  • Gender: Female
My Story MLC h and xw
#10: December 09, 2020, 01:43:04 PM
Yes, mine is worried that the kids will not see him if he is with me. The most recent thing was the children telling him if he continues with me, I would not be invited to their weddings *none of them are engaged.* Then the oldest has the audacity to tell me I am manipulative. I think actually what she is doing threatening to exclude me from things, and also not to have any sort of relationship with me if we continue is the manipulative thing. I will not respond to her. There is no point. Ultimately, H needs to face his fears about rejection from his kids and stand u for me, our marriage, and actually for himself. I have no control over it and that is the hardest art.
Did the kids tell you this when they aren't even engaged? That is odd.... Or is that something your H maybe made up in his mind?
  • Logged
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4346
  • Gender: Female
MLC h and xw
#11: December 09, 2020, 01:47:30 PM
Hi tle and welcome to the board. When you spouse starts behaving in such a weird way, it's hard to figure out what to do. If you checked out for a while, it might be because he was checked out. (Ask me how I know....).  Be kind to yourself and take it all one day at a time. Don't make any decisions you cannot change if you can avoid it, at least for a while. This is not about you, but you still have to deal with the fall out.

Keep posting. Tell us more about you.
  • Logged
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

M
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 161
  • Gender: Female
MLC h and xw
#12: December 09, 2020, 02:13:28 PM
Off road—the oldest kid told me that. And she said it was because I would be “cruel” to her mother. Completely ridiculous. I have never been cruel to her mother, unless you consider marrying her ex husband cruel. Quite the opposite in that her mother did all sorts of things when H and I married. I didn’t retaliate. I didn’t say anything to the kids bc that would be inappropriate. I’ve taken the high road soooo many times. It’s frustrating of course and I can’t say anything to them either. I’m sure that would be considered “cruel.”
  • Logged
« Last Edit: December 09, 2020, 02:14:36 PM by Surviving2019 »

tle

  • *
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 20
  • Gender: Female
MLC h and xw
#13: December 09, 2020, 03:17:41 PM
Hi Offroad, it's comforting to be here... that other people get it but so sad at the same time.

I lost my dad September of 2015 then 2 years of exhausting family drama trying to settle the estate. In September of 2017 my brother died in an accident. This brought his 2 D into the mix and it took another year to settle my Dads estate. During this time my H lost an uncle and an aunt that he had been close to. H didnt have the drama to deal with but the loss definitely affected him. During all of it H was very supportive but after it was settled is when things between us plummeted downhill.

Most of our arguments revolved around the kids and MIL's lack of respect to boundaries.  I can see looking back that i put it all on H to fix. I wanted him to have my back. He would try to talk to them and make the boundaries clear but then would do nothing when they were crossed. So then not only was I upset with MIL and SS but also H.

H started bouncing from hobby to hobby. Spending more money each time. Then he started going out a little without me which was new. H married right out of HS but I didnt till 23 so I got all my running out then. H went from enjoying stories of my misspent youth to acting jealous that he didnt have stories. As soon as he moved out to his parents, he started running around with guys 15-20 years younger. Going to bars, bike rallies,  getting on chat rooms, etc. Stopped wearing his glasses, started going to the gym, can easily blow through $500-1000 a week with nothing much to show for it. Unlike most on here, he didnt abandon his kids. He is running with them like he is a teenager too. But he has pretty much abandoned my S17. S17 seems ok with it mostly because H kept taking his S18 side over everything and would blow up on him over little things.

For awhile I thought H was bipolar. Looking back he gaslighted me alot over the last couple of years. To the point sometimes I thought I was crazy. He lies over the stupidest stuff, he has the shark eyes more and more. Used to only be about 50/50. Says he loves me but not like he thinks he should. Says he's done but seems to be in no hurry to act on it.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: December 09, 2020, 03:20:19 PM by tle »
M47
H41
S17, SS18, SS19
Married 1/1/2010
H moved in with his parents 5/15/20

tle

  • *
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 20
  • Gender: Female
MLC h and xw
#14: December 29, 2020, 12:07:46 PM
Really struggling right now and could use some insight/advice....

Up until yesterday the last time I had seen H was December 5. He came to get some of his stuff and we were talking (no R talk). He was telling me about work and some things that had happened. Felt like just a normal married couple catching each other up on stuff.  He made a few comments that made me think he was thinking of the past and I made the mistake of pushing. I asked if he is sure there is no hope for us and it was like a switch flipped and he said that he was sure.  Needless to say my eyes teared up and I said I just couldn't wrap my head around it all. I gave him a hug and walked away.

I sent SS's Christmas cards and gift cards in the mail and a card to MIL & FIL. I didn't send one to H, because it felt awkward and didn't want to make things worse. He came yesterday to get more stuff and he had a card for me and S17. In my card there was $300. He said the only think he could think of that I wanted was new ear buds. Said he thought about getting them, but wasn't sure if I had already got them so he wanted to give me the money to get them or something else. I told him thank you, that it was very sweet and thoughtful. I gave him a hug and said I really appreciated it. He left and came back for another load. We small talked. I asked if he wanted to walk out and feed the horses with me so he could see them and he did. He seemed really sad, but didn't say that he was. Said he just felt overwhelmed with going thru and loading his stuff. I said that I could understand that. I was so tempted to try to "get thru" to him, but I refrained. When he was leaving he stepped forward and gave me a hug bye. When he first moved out, he always gave me a hug and an I love you, but hasn't for the last couple of months.

Our anniversary is coming up on New Year's Day. Between the holidays and that I have been struggling. I am ok as long as I am busy, but when there is idle time or silence my mind & eyes have minds of their own and the waterworks start. Not a sobbing mess anymore, just silent tears that are hard to control.

Questions going thru my mind...
Why did he give me anything for Christmas and especially why did he put thought into it? Was he just being nice?
Why does he look so sad, but claim he's good?
Why is he saying the reason it is bothering him getting his stuff is because it's from his dad? His dad is still living and that is where he is living at the moment and he is taking the stuff there not losing it.
Why did he looked shocked/confused about me changing his address on car insurance and asked if he needed to change his address (license I assume). And he had a hurt look on his face when I said that is where you live.
Why do I feel bad about not getting him anything for Christmas?
Should I get him something for our anniversary?
Why can't I just be patient and get out of God's way?

  • Logged
M47
H41
S17, SS18, SS19
Married 1/1/2010
H moved in with his parents 5/15/20

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 8051
  • Gender: Female
Re: MLC h and xw
#15: December 29, 2020, 12:37:44 PM
The impatient anxiety is normal. Don't fault yourself on that, we all felt exactly the same way. You're processing through grief. You will get through it and it won't always feel this way, but for now, know it is part of the LBS journey. Deep breathing, walks, distracting yourself as much as possible, therapy - all helpers.

The other questions are things better left to not overthink on. It's natural to want to, but many of us wasted a lot of time on things that just didn't change or matter. Most sound par for the course in terms of the script. I know I dealt with several points you mentioned that were nearly identical. As far as him looking sad, it would be just as weird if he showed up happy to move things. Then we would ask, "Why are they so happy when they're blowing our marriage up?". There's always a reason to wonder why things can't be different. Gifts right now are probably best to avoid, but other LBSs may differ on that. It won't change anything in their process. Enjoy the gift of the money and treat yourself to something great. You truly deserve it.
  • Logged

C
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 677
  • Gender: Female
MLC h and xw
#16: December 29, 2020, 01:04:08 PM
Agree with R2T on all of this. As to the gifts... I gave my W a small birthday gift about a week before Christmas. It wasn’t personal, just a funny little item that I knew she had found amusing when we saw it online. A couple of days later, she was talking about being over for Christmas and she asked me if we were planning to exchange gifts because she hadn’t planned for that. She was very anxious, and extremely relieved when I said that no, I had not planned on a gift exchange. So do whatever makes you comfortable, but do know that they might feel that gifts come with some kind of pressure.

As to their moods... there’s nothing about it that makes sense. If they are happy or seem to be going about life normally, it’s easy to be angry because how dare they blow up our entire life and then just go around like nothing is wrong? If they are sad or anxious or depressed, it’s easy to feel like they brought this on themselves and they could fix this if they really wanted to. Ultimately, the thing to remember is that whatever the mood is that they’re showing to you, none of this is normal. They are not coping with the circumstances of their lives and relationships in a normal, healthy way. Their coping mechanisms are broken and they are avoiding the consequences of their decisions. So trying to figure out the logic is impossible... which doesn’t stop some of us from trying (endlessly, in my case).

So do your best to detach and not ride his roller coaster, but also give yourself the compassion of recognizing that you’re only human and that his crisis has traumatized you. Journal, pursue hobbies (anything creative is so good for the soul!), go to therapy, take care of yourself, and appreciate the friends and family who love and support you. And always know that we’re here and we understand, and you are not alone.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11556
  • Gender: Female
MLC h and xw
#17: December 29, 2020, 01:09:11 PM
We all have so many questions and there are not really any answers. Their behavior changes from moment to moment and their actions don't allows mean what we think they do.

I know that the holidays and special occasions like your anniversary are really, really hard...so painful.  :'(

I'll just give a few thoughts about your questions..I think all of us have asked similar things.

One thing to remember is that he is cycling. They often forget things they have said or did. Their facial expression and behavior can change on a dime.

Quote
Why did he give me anything for Christmas and especially why did he put thought into it? Was he just being nice?

Have you ever read Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? My husband's love language is gift giving. He has and continues to buy me gifts for my birthday and Christmas and chocolate for Easter which he hand carried on a plane one year from his trip to Europe. The gifts are beautifully wrapped (he does it himself) with exquisite paper and ribbon and accompanied by cards that make no sense because if that is how he feels about me then why?

Always remember, MLC is not about you and not about your marriage. There is still a part of him that is tied to you.

Quote
Why does he look so sad, but claim he's good?

They do not tell us or others how they really feel...I am not sure they even know how they feel. Their eyes and their body language tells us a lot. Those who have vanishers don't get to see this. When I do, it reminds me..he is in crisis.

Quote
Why is he saying the reason it is bothering him getting his stuff is because it's from his dad? His dad is still living and that is where he is living at the moment and he is taking the stuff there not losing it.

Perhaps he feels that by removing it from your home it means he is moving farther away from you.

Perhaps, because he wishes to create a new life he does not want any remembrance of his old life, even that life before he met you. Many MLers leave everything behind.

Quote
Why did he looked shocked/confused about me changing his address on car insurance and asked if he needed to change his address (license I assume). And he had a hurt look on his face when I said that is where you live.

Sometimes, at least in the early times, they waiver and think that this is temporary and that they will be returning some day. Those mixed messages are crazy making for us. MLC is depression...perhaps he  thinks this is closing the door on him being able to return...they are very torn, especially in the early year (s)

 
Quote
Why do I feel bad about not getting him anything for Christmas?

I think of the many gifts, carefully chosen for my Beloved. I still see things and say oh he would love that.We do exchange gifts as I indicated above...things that we share in common, things that no other women would know about him..things that perhaps I do to remind him of who he left behind.

Quote
Should I get him something for our anniversary?

I wouldn't. That is the one date that I do not have contact with him, nor do I mention it to him. In his mind we are not married (and in truth we civilly are not)so to me it would be inappropriate...although we did call me on the first anniversary we were apart. That was 3 months after BD.

Quote
Why can't I just be patient and get out of God's way?

Continue to ask God for guidance. Place all your trust in Him who loves you. Read scripture and write down verses that speak to you. Two of my favourites right now:

Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer. Actually Romans 12: 9-21 is wonderful.

Isaiah 41: 10 Do not fear, for I am with you, do not be afraid, for I am your God; I will strengthen you , I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.
                  13: For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you ' Do not fear. I will help you"

Do you read Rejoice Ministries devotionals? They helped me a great deal to surrender this to God.

May you find peace today.

  • Logged
« Last Edit: December 29, 2020, 01:15:47 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

A
  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1113
MLC h and xw
#18: December 29, 2020, 02:39:14 PM
Hi Tle,   I've just finished reading through your thread from the beginning.   Your early LBS experiences are like many here, including my own.   I can relate to the many mixed messages you are getting either verbally or behaviorally.   I got them too and they kept me stuck for quite awhile.   We want to believe only one side of the mixed messages but not the other side.   Truthfully, he probably is so confused at this early stage that he will flip-flop like a fish out of water and have NO clue where he wants to be.  Not unusual.   You may have read or heard that this is typical in the early days and that it will get worse as their MLC progresses.   

As MLC progresses, the contact frequency will change or fluctuate, and the messages are a little less confusing.   If there is an ow, then there is a clear preference for her over you.  This is pretty much standard, and it's a difficult time for the LBS and can last a few years.  You need a strategy to get through it without going crazy.  What worked for me was to just let it all go,, everything, and give it to God trusting that he knows what's best for you and will give you nothing less.   Then try to step back,,, way back.   Do not initiate contact, do not ask about the future of your relationship, do not ask him any questions, show no interest in what he is doing, and do not be his friend.  Right now he knows you are willing to work on the marriage and that is all the reassurance he needs to keep going in the direction he wants, knowing you will still be waiting.  If you must have contact then keep it polite and respectful, and do not prolong the contact unnecessarily.   Don't allow him to get you off balance where you might say something you would later regret.   If he tries to, that is the time to cut it short.   The hardest thing in the first couple of years is being consistent.   I failed miserably at first, with h complaining that he never knew from one day to the next which version of Anon he would get.  Angry Anon, weepy Anon, depressed Anon, desperate Anon.   It's so unflattering for us and in those early days, it fed his ego much to my horror.   He told many people I was erratic and implied I always had been so those people would understand why he had to get away.   

These days I am no longer standing and the entire ball of MLC wax has been left in God's capable hands.   I don't need to do anything.   When we have contact, it's usually pretty brief.  I never initiate and I keep it short.   What's interesting is that h almost always, wants to keep the conversation or contact going.   The change from the previous erratic Anon is puzzling to him.   He cannot read my mind but he tries through various transparent attempts.   Be consistently respectful and polite regardless of what you are thinking or feeling, and your mind cannot  easily be read.   Don't worry about pushing him away or reducing your chances of getting back together as many LBS's do.   Remember, this is in God's hands.   You can trust Him and completely let go.   When you do this you will feel profound relief and the freedom to just get on with your life knowing you need to do nothing.   When the feeling wanes, just remind yourself of who is in control and let it go. 

Thunder has an interesting comment on her signature line at the bottom of her posts.   Here it is:  A quote from a recovered MLCer:
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."   

  • Logged

tle

  • *
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 20
  • Gender: Female
MLC h and xw
#19: December 30, 2020, 08:54:16 AM
Thank you all for the responses! I needed to hear every word of it. It's so crazy, because I know this is all par for the course as I have been reading through threads for months, but I guess subconsciously (even though I know it's not the case) I think my h will be different. He just needs to wake up! Like I said, I know in my head that is not the case. I know it is a process. I think hearing/reading your responses to my situation helps solidify that he isn't different or special...just broken.

I do really good in between seeing/texting with him, but then it's like I have to start healing all over again. Good news is that it seems to get better quicker every time. I rarely initiate anything with him, but he seems to text me about once a week. Either its about coming to get something or it's just random stuff like that my neighbor rear ended someone in front of the gas station.

I just subscribed to Rejoice Ministries email a couple days ago. I read through and listened to a little on there so far and it seems really powerful. I am trying hard to understand the path I am supposed to be on. One of my biggest faults is overthinking. I do it with H and I do it with myself. I get so in my head about if I am doing things right, am I doing as God wishes me to do, am I letting God down because I have doubts and insecurities.  I know I need to let go and trust in God. I wish it was as easy as declaring it and it is so, but clearly I'm a work in progress.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and has a Blessed New Year!!
  • Logged
M47
H41
S17, SS18, SS19
Married 1/1/2010
H moved in with his parents 5/15/20

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.