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Author Topic: My Story MLC h and xw

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My Story MLC h and xw
#20: December 30, 2020, 09:31:45 AM
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I just subscribed to Rejoice Ministries email a couple days ago. I read through and listened to a little on there so far and it seems really powerful. I am trying hard to understand the path I am supposed to be on. One of my biggest faults is overthinking. I do it with H and I do it with myself. I get so in my head about if I am doing things right, am I doing as God wishes me to do, am I letting God down because I have doubts and insecurities.  I know I need to let go and trust in God. I wish it was as easy as declaring it and it is so, but clearly I'm a work in progress.

As well as the daily devotional I also find the Saturday men’s devotional very helpful.

I struggle every single day with surrendering all to God and trusting in His plan for my life. So often I just could not understand why God would allow our marriage to be destroyed...and there are still things I just cannot fathom. I have learned and been “taught” that  to hear God is to be still. To be silent, and listen. It is difficult to make this time a priority. To listen to what He is telling me.

You are not letting God down when you have doubts, no, in many ways you are letting God in. He wants us to talk to him. Abba, Father, He wants us to speak to him. Our needs, our fears, our sadness and our joys and gratitude as well. Even though He knows everything about us and our spouses, we go to Him in prayer and empty it at  the foot of the cross. Some days easier than others.

Many times the answers I need are found in scripture. He is here, He is with us.

I am glad it helps to hear from others. It has always helped me to pick myself up off the floor and to understand what has happened. Through that understanding, I can find peace.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

tle

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Really...
#21: February 18, 2021, 02:24:05 PM
It's been a little bit since I posted. Nothing much has changed as far as H and marriage goes except we have agreed to a legal separation. I've gotten with an attorney and we are waiting on papers to sign. H still texts atleast once a week. Sometimes it seems legit and sometimes I think its just an anchor check. Seems like he comes to get something from the house about once a month and that's pretty much the only time I see him. When this started he was here everyday and text multiple times a day.

I pray and read alot of inspirational stuff. I talk to my Pastor alot and am getting more involved with church. I've tried meditating, but that isn't going so well. I try to sit and listen after I pray to see if God will give me a sign or some sort of direction, but so far I haven't grasped anything yet. I know He is with me, because I feel like I am drawing strength and patience from Him, but it would be nice to hear or feel what direction my life is heading.

I have a friend that is also going thru this same mess as the rest of us. She has a son my son's age so we have been hanging out and doing stuff together quite a bit. It's crazy that her h is a vanisher and mine is more of a clinger (or atleast he was), but they are still so very similar. She dealt with the situation alone for several years because she just didn't want anyone to know. She was so angry and I totally understand why, but it's like she got stuck there. Now that we have each other to talk and vent to I can see her anger subsiding a little. It confirms for me that I don't want to make room for anger and bitterness in my heart. That's not to say that I don't get mad sometimes, but I'm trying really hard not to hold on to it.

Now to the reason I changed my title...
When I first posted, H had been doing the bar hopping and running around with guys 15-20 years younger. He had been texting with a girl he met at a bar and also getting in chat rooms. Of course I did the wrong thing and tried to point out how messed up that is and got met with "what's the big deal" and "what does it matter". Then his xw (mother of his kids) separated from her H and all of the sudden they were seen out together as a family for a few weeks. I thought well maybe that's God's plan to reunite their family. Maybe my marriage to him was his crisis and he has woke up and now where he is supposed to be. Well whatever it is/was either didn't last or isn't going anywhere fast.

For awhile when H left I was really bad about checking phone records, etc to try to get a clearer picture of what was going on with him. For the last few months I haven't been doing that. Trying really hard to just live my life and pray that God watches over him. That's not to say that I haven't had a weak moment here and there and take a peak. A part of me wants to know what he is doing so I'll have proof of whether I should stand or not, a part of me feels closer to him when I know a little about what he is doing. Anyway I had one of those weak moments Monday and couldn't believe what I found. He was texting with an escort service. First of all I had no clue we had anything like that around here (very rural area) and second of all really?.... He is an attractive guy with a good job. Why?

It's all just so crazy! Either way glad I looked because now I will add STD test to my requirements if/when he ever gets his head out of his #$$!

Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday!!!

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H41
S17, SS18, SS19
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H moved in with his parents 5/15/20

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MLC h and xw
#22: February 18, 2021, 06:28:00 PM
Hi Tie, nice to read your update.
I really am grateful for the friends that I have who have also experienced this. They have been a great support.

You are doing all you can to remain at peace about this. I have several friends who pray for me and I am not shy about asking for prayers when I am feeling low.

It is lent and I was struggling with what I would fast from. So much is gone from my life already, especially because of COVID. Pope Francis listed a wonderful list of things and I found one that I believe God has spoken to me;

"fast from sadness and be filled with gratitude".

That made sense to me.

You are doing well.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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MLC h and xw
#23: February 18, 2021, 08:33:41 PM
Hey tle,

Was wondering how you were doing.

Glad to see you're on the upswing.  :D

Those crazy MLC'ers.... they're always up to something  ;) They do keep life interesting if you stare at them..... better to look away.

-SS
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W - 40
M - 44
Together 25 years, M 23
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

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MLC h and xw
#24: February 19, 2021, 04:32:09 AM
Good morning and Happy Friday!

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He was texting with an escort service. First of all I had no clue we had anything like that around here (very rural area) and second of all really?.... He is an attractive guy with a good job. Why?

Because this is not about love, it is about emptiness. It is about power and control. Why do MLCers attack the LBSer as controlling and manipulative? Because they feel they have no control over their lives. The escort service provides him a sense of control. It is an illusion, but a powerful illusion that fills the emptiness and makes him feel in control. It's like renting an expensive car for your high school reunion so that you think everyone will see you as such a great success. Is it really to impress them or to cover your own insecurities and feelings of shame of your life?

Your H had a crisis of identity. This crisis shattered his core essence and altered the trajectory of his life. You can't quickly fix a broken mirror and even when you do, it won't be the same.

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She was so angry and I totally understand why, but it's like she got stuck there. Now that we have each other to talk and vent to I can see her anger subsiding a little. It confirms for me that I don't want to make room for anger and bitterness in my heart.

That is why the forum serves a purpose. It enables us to process the raw emotions of bomb drop and everything else. Your friend has kept all of her emotions within her heart. She has been dealt a huge blow that she doesn't understand and felt that it only happened to her. It was unfair and an emotional response to unfair treatment is anger. Now that she has met you and made a connection, she can gain an understanding that allows her to let go and move forward. Our purpose is not to cure MLC, but to help the LBSer heal and reach a point where they feel whole again.

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"fast from sadness and be filled with gratitude".

Thanks Xyzcf, that just filled my heart with love and hope. Reading posts can help everyone! I am going to steal that quote.

Enjoy your weekend,

((((Ready))))
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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

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MLC h and xw
#25: February 19, 2021, 07:51:23 AM
Following.....
My H bought a Jeep and did the eye contact thing in addition to so many other MLC type changes.

5hil
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MLC h and xw
#26: February 19, 2021, 07:27:18 PM
Hi tle,  I see that your bd was Feb 2020.   Considering you are only a year in, you are doing well.   Even so, I would guess that you still hurting a lot and it does come through in your posts.  It will get much better from here on.  In my own situation, a year after bd I was still trying to get my feet on firm ground.  I cried every day for at least that 1st year.   It slowly dropped in frequency over the next year and by the third year it was pretty infrequent.   In those first couple of years, I did several things that did not help me and likely increased my emotional distress considerably.   This is a big one: 
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For awhile when H left I was really bad about checking phone records, etc to try to get a clearer picture of what was going on with him. For the last few months I haven't been doing that. Trying really hard to just live my life and pray that God watches over him. That's not to say that I haven't had a weak moment here and there and take a peak.
I was really bad about this too - phone records, email, texts, eavesdropping, credit card spending, you name it, I did it.  Before he moved out I had free access to all of this and it truly is a soul destroying activity than will harm you far more than it will ever help you.   For your own sake please do all you can to prevent yourself from doing this.   Even after he moved out, I still had ready access to phone records and email was obsessed with viewing it daily.   Every day I re-traumatized myself because all I learned was that he was as deep into his MLC muck and the ow, as he ever was.  All you will ever get from snooping is pain and more pain.   There is no good news in there for you.  Reading and seeing what’s going on in his life is like dying by 1000 cuts.   An added danger is that what you do find out will lead you to draw a million wrong conclusions which has a high probability of altering your behaviour based on what is most likely not true or only partially true.   Even worse, it keeps you deeply focused on his life and what he is doing.   Stable emotions will elude you until you let him go and focus on purely on yourself.  Just about all MLC’s will last for years.  Let that sink in.  Use that time wisely to create a life you will enjoy because odds are your marriage will not be restored.  I’m not trying to persuade you to drop your stand.   Not at all.  But standing does require you to step out of his life as much as is possible and leave him to his crisis so he can stop running from you.  Accept that he may not return and live your life in every ways as if he is not coming back,,, because he may not.  Article worth reading:  https://www.gotquestions.org/Bible-spying-eavesdropping.html

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I try to sit and listen after I pray to see if God will give me a sign or some sort of direction, but so far I haven't grasped anything yet.
Here is a great article on why ‘sign watching’ might be something you should avoid:    https://www.hopechannel.com/au/read/does-god-give-signs

Try to avoid praying for outcomes.  Try instead to pray for discerning His will, instead of asking him to satisfy yours.   He knows what you need and will give it to you in his time, not yours.   Your will only interests him when it coincides with his will.   Pray also for a deeper relationship with him.   When you have that you will not need to watch for signs.  Instead, you will know when he is telling you something.   He will use many methods to speak to you but without a strong relationship you may not hear him.

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I know He is with me, because I feel like I am drawing strength and patience from Him, but it would be nice to hear or feel what direction my life is heading.
“God gives us a flashlight, not a floodlight”.  Some pastor said this but not sure who, but it’s true.  God is more interested in your trust in him more than showing you every step of the way ahead or even part of the way ahead.  You will get a flashlight but nothing more.  Even though you can’t see or feel it, He is looking after you and will only give good things to you.  So trust in Him completely and you will receive His peace.  Pray to thank God for all the ways you have been blessed.  Despite our painful circumstances, we do have many blessings.  Focus your prayers here and give thanks.  Trust that he will help you through this even though you have no idea how he will do that.   
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Then his xw (mother of his kids) separated from her H and all of the sudden they were seen out together as a family for a few weeks. I thought well maybe that's God's plan to reunite their family.
Your h is in the middle of a MLC and he couldn’t be more confused if he tried.   Seeing him with his xw confuses you too.   It shouldn’t.   Get used to crazy things like this and do not jump to any conclusions, especially when it comes to God and what his plans are.  I don’t know if your h is religious but if he isn’t, God doesn’t have any plans for him anyway.   God does not work in the lives of non-believers.   

Here is an article with scriptural suggestions for anxiety, trust, difficulties.     Or, you can always ask Google a question about your concern and end it with “scripture” or “bible”.    https://www.gracefullittlehoneybee.com/10-bible-verses-trusting-god/     (Edited to add link)

Anon.


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« Last Edit: February 19, 2021, 09:41:47 PM by Anon »

tle

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MLC h and xw
#27: February 22, 2021, 07:53:22 AM
Xyzcf - I love this!!
"fast from sadness and be filled with gratitude".

SS - I agree it's better to look away, but somedays it is just so hard not to take a peek!!! Excited for you guys and the new addition! I absolutely love puppy breath!!!

Ready - I agree about this forum. Just reading and connecting with others makes me feel somewhat "normal". That it is okay to have the feelings I have and that this too shall pass.

Anon - Thank you for your encouraging words. I loved the flashlight vs floodlight analogy. In the very beginning my prayers centered around reconciliation, but for awhile now I start of by thanking God for everything and all the wonderful people in my life and I pray that H turns to God for his salvation. As bad as last year was it was also one of my best years. I have grown so much and most days I have a calmness and peace that I have not had in years. I have a more positive attitude and have gotten closer to friends and neighbors that I don't think I would have if H was still at home. Not because he would have stopped it, but because I wouldn't have sought it out.

Thank you all for the replies. I have had a trying couple of weeks. First my son's vehicle went down, got it fixed then mine went down. Got it fixed, then tractor wouldn't start. We got snow so I really needed to put hay out for the horses. In the process of swapping batteries I hit my head twice and scraped my knee. But now all vehicles are running, tractor starts, hay is out and horses are happy! Tiny victories!!!


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Married 1/1/2010
H moved in with his parents 5/15/20

tle

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MLC h and xw
#28: February 22, 2021, 10:10:43 AM
5hil
My H bought a Jeep and did the eye contact thing in addition to so many other MLC type changes.
I guess Jeeps are the new sports cars!
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« Last Edit: February 22, 2021, 10:12:37 AM by tle »
M47
H41
S17, SS18, SS19
Married 1/1/2010
H moved in with his parents 5/15/20

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MLC h and xw
#29: February 22, 2021, 04:48:12 PM
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As bad as last year was it was also one of my best years. I have grown so much and most days I have a calmness and peace that I have not had in years.
Fantastic TLE!   And pretty rare for so early in.   You know where the peace comes from so dwell there often.  :)
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