Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 23781
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!
#130: September 12, 2021, 05:12:30 PM
Hi Standing I agree with XYZCF, these young dogs are challenging, but they...in the end..are soo worth it. (if you can stand them until they mature a bit).
You will have a loving companion for life.

I'm at the age now where I will only rescue dogs over 2/3 years old.  Ha ha  I don't have the energy to match theirs anymore.

So another lease signed huh?  Some progress.  :)
 
  • Logged
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

J
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 120
  • Gender: Male
Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!
#131: September 12, 2021, 06:51:16 PM
Hey, SS

I'm finally caught up! Thank you for journaling all of this. There are so many stories from everyone here it's hard to believe there could be yet another different one, but that's the way it seems to work out. Hopefully I'll be putting some positive advice to use some day.

JB
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1401
  • Gender: Male
Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!
#132: September 15, 2021, 11:53:07 AM
Journaling:

Got a call from a close friend today, he was in tears and completely distraught.
W of 25 years telling him it's over, angry, emotionally flipping left and right...... a "dear John" style letter left for him to find which tore his heart out.

So I go about asking questions, trying not to jump to any kind of conclusion, trying not to color what it could be.
He's resistant to talk, he's in too much pain.

So I start talking, tell him a few stories, see what catches (hopefully none of them). He had been talking for months and months about some problems at home, and shortly afterward would say they were all worked out. Then the same thing again the next week. Over and over...... normally ending with "we had a talk and worked it out, everything good now". Poor guy. I know he's been trying hard, it seems whatever he has tried and continues to try only ends with a temp solution and then she blows up again (and he admits he's not perfect, but he's taking all the blame on himself). He finally did admit though "it's her.... it's all her" and explained that whatever he tries it's never enough, that he just can't win.

Heart breaking for my friend, hopefully not an MLC, but at the same time.... if it isn't (and probably isn't, what are the odds) then his M is probably about to end. Terrible. They are both 42, what a dangerous time for relationships.
He has her on such a pedestal..... very unhealthy..... and while he holds her in such regard, she thinks she is done. Ouch.

He asked if he could come stay with us........ boy I'd love to help, but introducing such a variable with a slowly recovering MLC'er....... um, no. Not a chance. Besides, MLC or not, everyone has to stand up to the issues in their life, learn and grow. Running away is not the answer for anything.
I told him to give her space. Defuse the situation. Get out of her face.  Give her room to breath. I hope he does. I hope they can get thru. Hard to know what you do in a "normal" R, how you handle that....... when the type of problem you're accustomed to is the extreme of MLC......

I think I'll lend him my set of divorce busting books....... I think Michele Weiner-Davis is fantastic for "normal" R's headed for D.

One day at a time,

-SS
  • Logged
W - 40
M - 44
Together 25 years, M 23
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

J
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 120
  • Gender: Male
Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!
#133: September 15, 2021, 01:25:06 PM
Boy, that's tough. W insisted that I not spend my birthday alone (I told her she could go to a friend's party out of town), so I went to visit friends I hadn't seen in a long time and stayed with them. They were excited to see me but boy, they had tons of their own family dynamics going on. You definitely need to protect your safe space right now.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4352
  • Gender: Female
Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!
#134: September 16, 2021, 09:48:52 AM
SS, I know you don't want to "color" your friends view, but if it is mlc and you send only the divorce busting books, he's going to go back to its all his fault. Those kinds of books are fine if you have two normal people who are both willing to do the work, but end up very lopsided and sometimes detrimental when only one is working at it. The "nothing I do is ever good enough" syndrome can really take esteem down to doormat.

You might consider giving those books AND some information on MLC if you have it, just so he could see that what he's got going could be not of his making and that improving himself where he thinks he needs it is still the way to go.
  • Logged
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1401
  • Gender: Male
Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!
#135: September 16, 2021, 02:48:40 PM
Hi Offroad,

Great advise...... I tried to understand his sitch, he just wasn't willing to talk about it.  :-[ Not in any depth.
He texted today and said "it's all worked out" (again). So I called him, "what happened?". He says "compromise".... I said "Good! So you got something and she got something?"...... "No....... she's getting all she wants"......
Oh no...... that's not a compromise at all. I see he's way more attached and codependent than I ever imagined. My poor friend.
I'm guessing (and I hope I'm wrong) that it will all fall apart again, and not too long in the future.

Can't really help until someone wants help....... he also turned down the books. I suggested counseling (in the event it's a "normal" R), he also wasn't impressed with that...... "only if it gets to that point"....... um...... if she's saying she's done, it isn't at that point? He's trying to hold on for dear life..... I can understand that, but oh that so unhealthy. Even in a normal R you can't do that.
Hope it isn't MLC, but yeah I don't have enough info to even guess...... sure doesn't sound good. His voice was trembling as I talked to him. For being "all worked out" he was a mess on the inside.
I know I was codependent (loved too much), but not to this extreme, not even close. He has a ton of FOO damage, and since like attracts like, I'm sure she does too. Recipe for disaster.
Wow us men put all our eggs in one basket don't we? HA!!

Very sad..... but what can you do?

-SS
  • Logged
W - 40
M - 44
Together 25 years, M 23
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 248
  • Gender: Male
Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!
#136: September 17, 2021, 08:12:52 PM
Hi SS,

I recently started to talk a new friend who just separated from his W.   From early discussions, it's looks like his W may be a Chaos Kid and may be having a MLC but it's tough to tell at this point.  All we can do is listen and try to support others the best we can.   Just like so many people have helped me on this forum.   Maybe you can plant seeds to help him in the future.  Also hope things are going well for you, W, and the little 4 legged friend at home.   Enjoy your weekend!

HF
  • Logged
W - 42
M - 45
Together 19 years, M 16
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1401
  • Gender: Male
Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!
#137: September 19, 2021, 04:00:58 AM
Hey HF  :D

That is just so sad..... to see the whole thing happen again. So terrible that the cycle repeats with others.

Journaling:
I had a really great week with W. We seem to be doing more together, which is really nice. I'd like to think she's peeking out more and to a  degree, she is. We roasted and cleaned some green chili earlier in the week, we haven't done this in years. Then she got tired of it, and that was it (what was left went bad waiting for her to want to finished it). I was happy with that. Something is better than nothing.
Then on Friday, she went to a bible study  ;D this is something that hasn't happened in a very long time. I hope she starts doing this regularly, but who knows. Maybe she will, or maybe not. That is very positive though. There hasn't been any desire to go to church with me, and that's ok. She'll move at her own speed, in her own way. Figure out whatever it is she's figuring out.
This weekend I went and bought more green chili and showed her. To her credit, she offered to help prepare it, and we spend a couple hours making a HUGE batch for the freezer. Enough to late the whole year. Oh she complained a little while we did it, but overall she was really good (for her). Baby steps. By the end she was talking "we could make this bla bla bla..... or we could make this (to eat) bla bla bla"..... good to she her become more involved and see positive things for the future.
Still a lot of time leaving her alone (most of the time) and I setup Hulu for her to enjoy more things to zone out to (also important). She's gotten bored of Netflix and Amazon (LOL!!).

On to me!! I'm doing marvelous. No complaints. Wish I had done more exercise this week, but that's how it goes.

On to the dog!! He's gotten much more attention from W this week, and he loves it. Her affection and energy levels have been much higher with the little dog. That's great. Yesterday I watched her play with him, and there was a noticeable change with her attachment to him. She can't be away from him too long, and misses him. Very happy for the little dog. He is so healthy and happy.

On to my friend....... *POOF*....... his problems are "fixed" for the moment, so I guess that's that...... and I hope that it is.

One day at a time,

-SS
  • Logged
W - 40
M - 44
Together 25 years, M 23
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1401
  • Gender: Male
Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!
#138: September 24, 2021, 04:00:13 AM
Another week in the can (almost)  :D

Right on schedule...... W floats towards..... and then floats away....... it was nice to see a cycle towards for a change, this week she cycled away, right on schedule. Love it while it lasts...... :)

I have a new problem, nothing big, and nothing too pressing yet.....
The last two holiday seasons there has been no W. *POOF* She runs away to a different country. On one hand it makes things easy, and of course on one hand that makes things hard. This year the potential for that chain to be broken exists (again) and her to be home for the 1st time in MLC.  Wouldn't that be a nice  :D
I have no indication from her as to what her plans are, nor will I make an issue of it: what she does is what she'll do. I as an external influence will not manipulate or pressure her one way or another.
My family has decided to have Thanksgiving early so that an uncle we don't get to see often can be there. This is wonderful on one hand,  and a problem on the other. W has not seen my family since MLC began, and at times has been utterly convinced that my family hates her (the guilt talking). She is afraid of seeing them, isn't willing to see even one in person (Thus far). At the same time, her memory has popped back into being, so there is a strong element of her knowledge of "suppose to be there" going on. What a catch-22. Add to that, I don't know how my family would respond to her presence. I think they would try to put on a good front and a good face, but we're all human, and my family could crack, could break, and it may be easy to pick up on their uneasiness. MLC'ers are overly sensitive about what people think about them. The two together could be a recipe for disaster, and I don't know that she's ready for it.
The icing on the cake is this is the 1st holiday season without Grandma. In that way it will be different, she was always the glue, the last of her generation in our family. Her absence will very much be felt, and in that way it marks an important milestone in time.
Fortunately there is time. It can sort itself out, but probably not. It will be too early for W to escape. If she is not invited she will be hurt. If she chooses to not go she will be hurt. If she chooses to go, she'll probably be hurt. I know what I will do: The right thing..... invite her and let her decide. How strange that something so good could be filled with such questions...... but it's something we have to face at sometime isn't it? I guess the real question is how much lead time to give her. I'm thinking two weeks. Not too much to wrap her all in knots. Not too little for it to be a sideswipe. I think that's the best consideration I can give her. My family (and father in particular), I'll have to pave the way. There are hard feelings there, and she is only welcome at my request. How odd that the betrayed and abandoned becomes the defender as what appears to be strength passes from the MLC'er to the LBS.

On to me!!
I've broken another machine last night..... maxed out the leg press at the gym: 390lbs. Made a new all time high on the pec machine: 250lbs. Hitting all time highs burning calories at spin (800+ in an hour). All that is going great..... no 6-pack.... unbelievable.  >:(
I'm stalking that 6-pack...... hunting it...... I will catch it.

On to the dog!!
He is a tornado. Just as I think he can't have more energy, he has more energy. Now he has become this nocturnal creature, and I hear toy squeaking thru the night. Poor little guy, he wants to play (and does). Banging, slamming noises as he throws things around. A happy little creature...... I'm very blessed to know he has a charmed life.

Almost time for the gym..... again.

One day at a time,

-SS 
  • Logged
W - 40
M - 44
Together 25 years, M 23
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

J
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 120
  • Gender: Male
Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!
#139: September 24, 2021, 05:34:04 AM
That's a tough one with the family, but it sounds like you have the best possible plan under the circumstances. Between my BD and move-out, in a short span of time W told me, "I could be your wingman," "if SIL and I are still in town for Thanksgiving maybe I'll invite you over," and "you should probably go No Contact." I'm just assuming it will be too early in all this to hear anything about Thanksgiving, unless she takes that as an opportunity to boomerang. Thanksgiving is right next to W's birthday, so she may go out of town or do something else, for all I know.

For better or worse, the only family I have left is my stepmother and half sister. One of the silver linings of this MLC misadventure is that it has brought me closer to them. (W met them a couple of years ago.) Stepmom is old enough to remember a woman who was sent to electro-shock therapy for menopause, so she realizes that W could be going through a lot, and understands my desire to see this through.

As for the abs, have you tried planking? I seem to build up a bit of ab definition when I remember to do them. Apparently planks are better than situps for core strength, as your body is normally more-or-less straight when you need those muscles.

Good luck with everything!

JB
  • Logged

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.