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1
Our Community / Love and insanity
« Latest by Imokay on Today at 09:26:19 AM »
I’m confused because NOW he is stating he thinks about. Me, loves me, has thoughts of could we get back together. These are things that were not being said before. but yet he picked her. So, do I let him live his journey no matter how detrimental it is to him and our family? Do I leave the door open for him to contact me? Do I say the door is closed and you made you choice?
 I don’t think NO MATTER WHAT if I close the door and he has a revelation that he would ever tell me or contact me. Is that the door that should be closed?  I am back to clearly this is a man in TOTAL crisis. That I have loved for 3 decades. Do I just walk away.? 
He is calling me next week with a clearer head for us to make a decision on what our relationship will be going forward. Friendship or No friendship. I think it is all my decision. I honestly don’t know what to do. I can’t imagine not having him in my life at all, but I don’t know what I should ask for to remain in contact. Do I roll the dice and tell him as long as he is in a relationship in any way with OW there is no place for me?
That may seem to be the only option and I will have to let him  make it or break it.  I need insight as I  am clearly torn between love and insanity at this moment.

I’m so sorry. This is such a tough place to be. I’m reading your story, and while I’m earlier on the timeline into this crazy ride, I feel similar.  I have found writing out my feeling in letters has helped. I probably won’t actually send any of them, but at least I was honest with myself through writing it down. For me, as long as the OW are even a thought, I’m out. I need to distance myself from my Hs life and hope he can see things for himself.  I wish you the best!!!!
2
Our Community / Steady as she goes...
« Latest by Curiosity on Today at 09:16:56 AM »
FW, good to hear from you, and thank you!

It’s interesting… the more I feel like I am settling into this new/old version of myself, the more I feel like she is settling into our home and even in some ways back into our life. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not going back to what we were before BD. If and when she reaches a point where we can openly discuss a future together and what we both need and want in a healthy relationship, we will have that discussion. But I will not slide back into that place where I defined myself as primarily being the reliable support system from which she could pursue her dreams. I am a fully-formed person, with my own dreams and hopes and fears, with my own wants and needs and passions, and I am on my own journey to make sure my life has purpose and joy. There’s room for her to be a part of it, but my ability to find and pursue purpose and joy does not rely on her presence.

Settling into our routine post-MIL leaving. She went home a week ago; w and I each took a short trip and are now back at home. I’ve been doing some reading, listening to a lot of writing podcasts, getting involved in a bit of research on various topics that I enjoy. I love learning and it feels like my natural curiosity is fully reawakened. I am keeping in contact with friends and family, taking care of myself. There is some more caution creeping into our daily lives as Covid cases increase, but there is still room for us to engage with the world, albeit with a few more precautions than we needed to take a month or two ago.
3
Our Community / Love and insanity
« Latest by xyzcf on Today at 09:07:35 AM »
He is in crisis and his actions are very similar to many many others. The more you understand about MLC the easier it will be. This is not about you or how he feels about you. It is not about the OW.
Quote
So, do I let him live his journey no matter how detrimental it is to him and our family? Do I leave the door open for him to contact me? Do I say the door is closed and you made you choice?
Yes, you let him live his own journey.  Only he may be able to figure it out or not. You cannot do it for him.
Giving him an ultimatum of making him choose you or you close the door is only if that is what you truly want to do.  Even if he were to “choose” you he could leave again the next week. He does not sound like he is anywhere near through his crisis.
So as we always say, continue to live your own life “ as though he is never coming back”.
They are a mess and we cannot help them.


4
Our Community / Stronger Now In Broken Places
« Latest by FaithWalker on Today at 08:51:14 AM »
Thank you DF.  I'm headed over to my M's for the final Saturday before we leave.  We leave on Tuesday.  Tomorrow I will spend the day cleaning my own house and packing for the trip.  Monday is a work day.

Looks like I am at post 150 so I will lock this thread and start a new one when I get back.
5
Our Community / Cleaning Out the Garage
« Latest by FaithWalker on Today at 08:49:03 AM »
Oh man DF, that sucks.  I'm sure he was pretty uncomfortable.  Sometimes, third parties just tolerate the way things are as a means to keeping the peace.  I have had to see that too.  Mutual friends that have liked things on social media that my MLCEdgar or his Covidwifey have posted.  I try my best not to look these days.  And if I inadvertently see something I just repeat the phrase "water off a ducks back" until I no longer care.
6
Our Community / Deciding to stand and how to really detach?
« Latest by Imokay on Today at 08:42:32 AM »


But, practically speaking, anyone who is as self-absorbed and angry and indifferent to others as these crisis folks seem to be make poor quality friends for anyone. And their behaviour to us is not within spitting distance of any kind of friendship at all. Jmo.

This resonates with me, I keep forgetting my H is no longer my H. The respect and love are diminished, he doesn’t care about me like a friend does. It’s difficult to remember as  he continue to do odd chores for me when he picks up the kids or will send me a random text here and there-. Like the dinner the other night, he’s offered to do some family outings with us. It’s tempting, but I’ve mostly declined. It’s just enough contact to keep me hooked-I feel this is all just out of guilt.
 I’ve drafted a letter telling him that this contact needs to stop, but I haven’t had the strength to send it. I’ve told myself I have the summer to think about the type of contact I can handle, but I already know I do much better when I don’t see him.   We LBH spouses seemed to be damed if we do, and damed if we don’t!!?! Who knows, right!!!!?!?
7
Happy belated birthday.  The first one after BD for me was about a month and a half after the D was final.  It was a sad birthday, but it passed, and the next one was better, and the one after that even better.  Now, if no one is planning anything for my birthday, I make plans, and I have a fabulous day doing something I love.

Like OR and Ursa said, you can do this.  It will get easier.  There is a whole lot of suck, but you will get through it.  Things will start looking up.

To this day, I still think it would have been easier if my H had stayed and worked things out.  But the fact of the matter is that he chose his path and it is separate from my own.  Whether this is for now, or a permanent separation, what we LBS do remains the same. 
8
Our Community / Changed. Change. Changing!
« Latest by FaithWalker on Today at 08:11:04 AM »
Great updates Sam.  I'm sorry to hear about the health issues.  My hip gives me pain fits now and again, so I understand.  Keep on keeping on!
9
Our Community / Love and insanity
« Latest by Tornup on Today at 07:21:31 AM »
Well, my story took another unexpected turn. A few weeks ago right before going NC I sent a list of Psych doctors via email to my XH and also packed up one our daughters ( passed away from cancer 2009 at 14 ) Boyd’s bears with a copy of a poem from one of her favorite books ( the poem in the corner she had written FAVE) I enclosed a small note that said. Here is one Madison’s favorite poems as you can see. Also her Boyd’s bear. Try sleeping with it. Love to you my friend. ( The poem referenced the love you give a friend is the love you get)

I never heard if he got the bear and my bday and our 30th anniversary came and went and he did email me a generic bday email, but still nothing on receiving the box. Last night
I received a message that he got the bear and that he sleeps with it and that as far as his mental health he has good days and bad days.

A phone call than took place for 4 hours. He had many mental breakdowns on the call. Total crying breakdowns. Said getting the bear was very emotional and that he ddin’t know the words to send and so he waited and then as days went by he just never got back to sending a note. I asked if it was because he was worried a conversation would take place he couldn’t handle ? He said No. it was just very emotional and every time he went to send something nothjng smit was to hard for him.   He said the last few weeks were some of his worst. Many times he thought of calling. Once when he didn’t know if he would make it through the night and other times just to talk. He states that I cross his mind often and he just wonders what I am doing.

I asked why he never followed through with the calls and he said that he left me and feels guilty needing me and feels it’s not fair to me. Since asking for the divorce which I gave him in 90 days he has always said he doesn’t see a future with us together, but he doesn’t want a future without me in it. Last night I asked if he ever thinks it was a mistake or that he ever wishes we could try and repair. He said yes. Sometimes he does. This is a first.

However I said choose. Choose me or her. He said I choose to die then. I said no. You live,  but which do you choose? He said. HER. I said why. You said you don't love her. You think she may be using you for your money. You know your kids will never accept her. Why do you choose her. He said “ because you are making me choose and that is where my head is”  I said why?    “He said I can’t explain it , but the best I can say is she lets me just be “ I said in what way?
He said “ if I am down she says Im here if you want to talk. If She gets angry I shut down and stop talking to her and she backs down. She knows I cant have sex and she doesn’t bring it up except an occasional question you still going to the doctor”  I said. This is a new relationship with no sex and with a depressed man that is manipulating what she can talk or ask and you don’t question if she is in it for the right reasons? He said YES. It crossed my mind!

This was 👁 opening!!! He isn’t with her for love or even lust. In fact when I asked if he still gets butterflies or is excited to see her he said NO I have never felt that way. He said I know I can not be by myself and I can not handle any pressure. I look in the mirror and I don’t see me anymore. I dont know who I am or what I am doing. I don't know how much longer I can hang on.

I said “so do you feel that when you are with her that she only knows this version of you, so she doesn’t question it?” He said “YES! When Im around anyone that knew me before. Even work people I feel they all notice I am not the same person. I feel like a stranger to everyone I know. I feel like a stranger to myself. It is hard for me to reach out by text even to our kids to ask them how they are. I am trying to get there. It feels awkward to be around anyone, but she never knew me from before and is accepting me  so far as is”

How sad that this version of him. The sad very depressed version is all he can handle being and that he will choose this person over his family. He still says it would not be his choice
to not stay connected and friends with me, but he understands after all he has done that it is my choice. He did say he has been calling doctors on my list to start again in therapy.

I’m again so torn between the love and sanity after coming so far. I really don't know if total detachment from someone so clearly  broken and only has one person in his life that is allowing him to stay in his detached escape while she uses him for his money is the right thing to do .  He still says he loves me, but  he can not handle the baggage basically of what he created still.

I’m confused because NOW he is stating he thinks about. Me, loves me, has thoughts of could we get back together. These are things that were not being said before. but yet he picked her. So, do I let him live his journey no matter how detrimental it is to him and our family? Do I leave the door open for him to contact me? Do I say the door is closed and you made you choice?

 I don’t think NO MATTER WHAT if I close the door and he has a revelation that he would ever tell me or contact me. Is that the door that should be closed?  I am back to clearly this is a man in TOTAL crisis. That I have loved for 3 decades. Do I just walk away.? 

He is calling me next week with a clearer head for us to make a decision on what our relationship will be going forward. Friendship or No friendship. I think it is all my decision. I honestly don’t know what to do. I can’t imagine not having him in my life at all, but I don’t know what I should ask for to remain in contact. Do I roll the dice and tell him as long as he is in a relationship in any way with OW there is no place for me?
That may seem to be the only option and I will have to let him  make it or break it.  I need insight as I  am clearly torn between love and insanity at this moment.

H-54
W-58
Married 7/6/1991
Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 deceased
Moved out for space-jan 2018
BD1-march 2018 found phone
EA ow1-49
EA-ow2 57
EA- ow3 58
Moved back-Oct 2018
BD2-October 2020
OW-46
Divorce filed-Dec 202O
Divorce final-Feb 2021
10
Our Community / BRAND NEW MAN 13
« Latest by Watcher on Today at 06:35:59 AM »
Hi OffRoad, Dumbfounded, UrsaMajor.

The other night I was at dinner and I thought it was just so strange how S21 could go away for 3 months and now he just tags along to dinner. When I say he doesn't speak that means he really doesn't speak.

I almost couldn't believe he shared that he received the first vaccination shot. He said "oh I will be safe soon" and then I followed up with a question. Naturally I asked him which vaccine and he didn't know so I could tell he was flustered because he didn't know, therefore, thats why I don't pester him with questions.

I picked up S18 last night and the dog was out on the front lawn so S21 came to retrieve her. He didn't say a word which is typical. I don't take it personally as I really believe he is just lacking in knowing how to be social in any sense.

Sometimes I'm out walking in this bubble since I primarily am by myself and I can be stumped when someone approaches me because you get used to being alone. With S21 I just think he has it 1,000 times worse. He was retrieving the dog and he really is not aware of his surroundings.

Its like when I asked him that question at dinner. It was ,as if, he wasn't expecting to be addressed.

Neither one of the boys really has friends and its only going to get worse now because they are out of high school and increasingly becoming more isolated living with their mom. This is where I get mad at her. What on earth is she doing with them ?

These 2 boys are so socially backwards and I even think I was myself while living with her. Unfortunately S18 talks about his mom in a normal way. So ,I know, he is not going to get away from her. He talks too normal about her like someone would about their mom.

I took S18 away for a weekend of hiking, kayaking and exploring. I figured I should be taking advantage of our time together and offering him something a little more than he has had in the past 6 years.

I hit my 12 mile run mark yesterday and now will increase it to 14 miles next weekend.

Enjoy your day everyone

Thank you

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