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Author Topic: My Story Love and insanity

T
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My Story Love and insanity
#80: July 14, 2021, 09:03:49 AM
Beyond Blessed- that is definitely where I want to be. I don’t know why I can’t let go of the financial destruction and someone else benefitting from my decades of my life. It’s a hard pill to swallow and I do tend to control and losing control is something I need to relinquish.

So many things to reflect and navigate to move forward.
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H-54 W-58  Married 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 deceased
D30 marry & issues for H that deceased daughter would never marry ‘13
Summer ‘15 pulling away/work 7 days a wk
August ‘16  H turned 50 & promotion requires travel & H stalls on move to new state. ‘17-major disconnect
 Jan ‘18 forced H move out due to non communication & refusal seek help. H rather div. then talk about it. Talked to atty.  Husband stopped Div.
BD1-march ‘ 18 found phone-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, EA- ow3 58 not reciprocated by OW ( 3 years) all mgrs under H
Bought second home Sept ‘18 due to H job
Moved home-Oct 18
BD2-October 20 Nov 20 H move to 2nd home in other state
OW4- 46 subordinate at work
Divorce filed-Dec ‘20   Divorce final-Feb ‘21
August 21- H moments of regret and wants family back.

b
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Love and insanity
#81: July 14, 2021, 12:47:56 PM
Tornup, I can totally understand where you are coming from, and the one thing that might help is to change your perspective a bit.  The AP may seem like she "gets" the life you built, but it does come at a cost to her.  She has paid and will pay in ways that may not ever be apparent because truly, we like anyone else outside their relationship, have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.  Your xh is not now the man you knew him to be.  He is now a man capable of lying, deceiving, manipulating, betraying, and abandoning someone to whom he once vowed his love and undying devotion.  Now, today as you know him, do you think the AP has really won a prize catch in him?  Uh, I don't think so.  She has just settled for man that walked away from everyone that was his life for 30 years, without a second thought.  That has to be a very tight rope to walk for her, knowing that his emotions run that shallow and those bonds aren't that tight for him.  Dancing on eggshells, not much of a life.
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T
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Love and insanity
#82: July 14, 2021, 01:07:28 PM
Beyondblessed- you are so right. She is a trouble employee which is how he met her. She came into complain over and over. She has been dating him for 8 months and he can consummate the relationship. She is using him for his money. If it is ever exposed what he has been doing and he loses his job I am sure she will not be sticking around.

I also know he does not communicate and I know that has got worse and I don't believe  she will be able to bite her uneducated and immature mouth for long. TBH

I got a great settlement and she will probably send him to bankruptcy if he can’t stop buying her. I need to just block out all that is them and focus on all that is me. Trying very hard to do so. Being left during a pandemic right before the Holidays has been a hard transition. Going into work and seeing people would have been an easier transition.

What’s the saying? It is what it is!!
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H-54 W-58  Married 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 deceased
D30 marry & issues for H that deceased daughter would never marry ‘13
Summer ‘15 pulling away/work 7 days a wk
August ‘16  H turned 50 & promotion requires travel & H stalls on move to new state. ‘17-major disconnect
 Jan ‘18 forced H move out due to non communication & refusal seek help. H rather div. then talk about it. Talked to atty.  Husband stopped Div.
BD1-march ‘ 18 found phone-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, EA- ow3 58 not reciprocated by OW ( 3 years) all mgrs under H
Bought second home Sept ‘18 due to H job
Moved home-Oct 18
BD2-October 20 Nov 20 H move to 2nd home in other state
OW4- 46 subordinate at work
Divorce filed-Dec ‘20   Divorce final-Feb ‘21
August 21- H moments of regret and wants family back.

T
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Love and insanity
#83: July 14, 2021, 03:30:50 PM
Beyondblessed- you are so right. She is a trouble employee which is how he met her. She came into complain over and over. She has been dating him for 8 months and he can not consummate the relationship. She is using him for his money. If it is ever exposed what he has been doing and he loses his job I am sure she will not be sticking around.

I also know he does not communicate and I know that has got worse and I don't believe  she will be able to bite her uneducated and immature mouth for long. TBH

I got a great settlement and she will probably send him to bankruptcy if he can’t stop buying her. I need to just block out all that is them and focus on all that is me. Trying very hard to do so. Being left during a pandemic right before the Holidays has been a hard transition. Going into work and seeing people would have been an easier transition.

What’s the saying? It is what it is!!
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« Last Edit: July 14, 2021, 03:31:53 PM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  Married 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 deceased
D30 marry & issues for H that deceased daughter would never marry ‘13
Summer ‘15 pulling away/work 7 days a wk
August ‘16  H turned 50 & promotion requires travel & H stalls on move to new state. ‘17-major disconnect
 Jan ‘18 forced H move out due to non communication & refusal seek help. H rather div. then talk about it. Talked to atty.  Husband stopped Div.
BD1-march ‘ 18 found phone-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, EA- ow3 58 not reciprocated by OW ( 3 years) all mgrs under H
Bought second home Sept ‘18 due to H job
Moved home-Oct 18
BD2-October 20 Nov 20 H move to 2nd home in other state
OW4- 46 subordinate at work
Divorce filed-Dec ‘20   Divorce final-Feb ‘21
August 21- H moments of regret and wants family back.

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Love and insanity
#84: July 15, 2021, 01:20:45 AM
Two tings....

1) the AP has latched on to a male (can't really call him a "man"in my book) that has cheated on his partner/spouse of 30 years or, as BB put it
Quote from: beyondblessed
He is now a man capable of lying, deceiving, manipulating, betraying, and abandoning someone to whom he once vowed his love and undying devotion.
She can either choose to ignore that fact or she can choose to fear that he will do it again or she can choose to have some Schmoopie-Fairy-Tale psychosis that "she will be different."
2) I'm currently Reading "Accidental Saints" written by Nadia Bolz-Weber (for those unfamiliar, she is a recovered alcoholic and drug abuser turned Evangelical Luthern Church of America (ELCA) pastor with more tattoos than most bikers and a mouth like a trucker but the Holy Spirit burns hot) and she writes exactly what BB said below
Quote from: beyondblessed
leave the past to itself.  You cannot change one bit of it...it's been and gone.  Live for the todays and tomorrows because anything else is futile.
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

T
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Love and insanity
#85: July 15, 2021, 03:58:04 AM
UrsaMajor-
Maybe that is my issue. Maybe I think she will be different. Maybe that is exactly my struggle. Maybe I think he was faithful and good until he wasn’t and maybe he will be long enough for this relationship (due to age) before he steps back into the bad habit he has now created. Also, not sure she knows he is a cheater. I think he told her from the beginning he was separated. Either way his habit is created. So, can he break that?

Right now every moment they have is an adventure. That has to come to an end. What will then be?  I guess it all comes down to not wanting him back the way he is, but wondering how the man he was turned so bad. How they cut off and move on without missing their kids, grandkids, dogs and yes their wife.

I think the one thing that will always baffle my mind is that loyalty, devotion and love don’t come easily. These lost souls leave that to go find what they had.  My biggest struggle is not having him in my life as a partner, but having a x partner that so freely disrespects me now and his family without what appears a thought. Then I think maybe he does. Maybe that is why he keeps so busy with these adventures as he states “ to occupy and distract his mind” she is a total escape from the life he left.

In the end he is creating a new life, but not a better life. One new person can not replace a family. In the end as I have said before he will be sitting at a holiday table with a family that is not his and he has no history with. I think that is the saddest vision I see. When I want to think where is the Karma. That is it! 

H-54
W-58
Married 7/6/1991
Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 deceased
Moved him out for space-jan 2018
BD1-march 2018 found old phone with messages
EA ow1-49 subordinate manager
EA-ow2 57- unreciprocated subordinate manager
EA- ow3 58 subordinate manager
Moved back-Oct 2018
BD2-October 2020
OW-46 subordinate hourly
Divorce filed-Dec 202O
Divorce final-Feb 2021
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« Last Edit: July 15, 2021, 04:01:23 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  Married 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 deceased
D30 marry & issues for H that deceased daughter would never marry ‘13
Summer ‘15 pulling away/work 7 days a wk
August ‘16  H turned 50 & promotion requires travel & H stalls on move to new state. ‘17-major disconnect
 Jan ‘18 forced H move out due to non communication & refusal seek help. H rather div. then talk about it. Talked to atty.  Husband stopped Div.
BD1-march ‘ 18 found phone-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, EA- ow3 58 not reciprocated by OW ( 3 years) all mgrs under H
Bought second home Sept ‘18 due to H job
Moved home-Oct 18
BD2-October 20 Nov 20 H move to 2nd home in other state
OW4- 46 subordinate at work
Divorce filed-Dec ‘20   Divorce final-Feb ‘21
August 21- H moments of regret and wants family back.

b
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Love and insanity
#86: July 15, 2021, 06:20:46 AM
TornUp...unless or until he fixes what's broken inside him that's made him choose to do these awful things, nothing else about him will change.  She didn't win a changed man....at least not changed for the better.  She's got herself a booby prize.
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#87: July 15, 2021, 12:57:44 PM
Tornup
I think you ask the same question we all ask/have asked.
I think you feel the same things we all have felt.

You may or may not ever get any answers to your questions.
I know, after 4 years, that I still have had none.
And yes, I thought my husband’s wedding vow was forever, but I suppose that his forever ended when MLC started.

This doesn’t bring you any console, I’m sure.
But it does make you understand that it is a process; which we can never understand.
It’s is so unlike anything that is fathomable to us. 
So we do the hard work to become stronger.
Whether they will ever do that work or not remains to be seen…

I’m sorry that you’re going through this.
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T
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Love and insanity
#88: July 15, 2021, 01:57:45 PM
Beyond Blessed- you are so right. I don’t think he has the strength to ever go through the pain. I think he has to look into the life saving mouth to mouth necessitation  he had to do on our daughter and  he cant  go through it and blames himself for not saving her. It is to difficult to be around any of the remaining family as we are the reminder she is gone. He is just to weak.

Seahorse- I know It is his journey. I wish he just would not lie to me. I can’t understand trying to emotionally keep me in his pocket. I think he would welcome detachment. He is trying to escape his life. I will never understand how he has all this time to go on trips and never could with me. It is so hurtful specially a day after my bday and 3 days after 30th anniversary. It’s like he still felt he should celebrate but with someone else. It is also her birthday week.

I think just a rough week for me. I am looking for some concern for him for my sanity, but it appears there is none. Baffles why he cried every time I talk to him on how he is still in pain.  The only other thing that would be worse is if he gets married on this trip. I think that would be the final blow.

Hard to not recognize the man that exists, but he is truly gone.
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« Last Edit: July 15, 2021, 03:31:20 PM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  Married 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 deceased
D30 marry & issues for H that deceased daughter would never marry ‘13
Summer ‘15 pulling away/work 7 days a wk
August ‘16  H turned 50 & promotion requires travel & H stalls on move to new state. ‘17-major disconnect
 Jan ‘18 forced H move out due to non communication & refusal seek help. H rather div. then talk about it. Talked to atty.  Husband stopped Div.
BD1-march ‘ 18 found phone-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, EA- ow3 58 not reciprocated by OW ( 3 years) all mgrs under H
Bought second home Sept ‘18 due to H job
Moved home-Oct 18
BD2-October 20 Nov 20 H move to 2nd home in other state
OW4- 46 subordinate at work
Divorce filed-Dec ‘20   Divorce final-Feb ‘21
August 21- H moments of regret and wants family back.

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Love and insanity
#89: July 15, 2021, 02:36:18 PM
Tornup

They (MLCers) lie because they cannot stand to face the person who never would hurt them.  They lie because they're so embarrassed about what they've done and are doing.  They lie because they can't face themselves.  It has little to do (IMO) about keeping you in his back pocket.  It's more about not being able to face you. 

You're right in that there are probably reminders of your daughter there when he sees you as well.

They push us away so ferociously, and replace us so easily.  They spend and they need to charm and impress which is why they travel so much.  My husband also never traveled with me but started traveling several times monthly with his ow just a few months into his MLC.  It was devastating because she was going all the places that we had talked about going.  It's pretty script, so try to accept it for what it is - a painful part of their journey.  So many of us had our spouses leave when we were in the hospital, in surgery, in chemotherapy.  I think it's another part of running from mortality is the inability to consider that we (and they) could die or become terminally ill.  Too much to process...
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