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Author Topic:  Searching for Answers

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Searching for Answers
OP: July 21, 2021, 08:52:01 PM
Hi to everyone. I’ve tried to put this together using the guide for the first post, so here it goes.

I am LBW 49 yrs old.
Married to my H (49) since 1996/together since 1991.
D (19) S (17)

H was always good to me and kids but he had a terrible childhood(abusive/alcoholic father left him and his mom when he was a kid). He strove to be nothing like him. He has been dealing with some medical issues over the past few years with heart, thyroid, and arthritis, and now struggling financially as his job was impacted by covid.

I toyed with the idea of MLC a few times, but not taken it seriously until I saw something posted in another group for Separated Woman this week. Someone replied to a post to consider possible MLC and recommended this site. Was all relatable so I checked into it and I began to see lot’s of similarities.

He has isolated himself from pretty much everyone and withdrawn. He shaved his head and grew a huge, messy beard. He’s gained weight and looks much older. Incredibly irritable and moody with me, kids and others (neighbours commented/trouble with his coworkers).

Still live in the same house. I live upstairs/he in the basement. We ignore each other and are completely separate. I did ask if we could say hi to each other or try to communicate but he originally ignored my request, later complaining I didn’t acknowledge him. I tried again to open the communication but he now claims he doesn’t feel communicating effectively is possible.

Often does not reply to my texts/emails/requests to talk. Very different when he wants something and texts, expecting a response quickly. I’ve asked him not to text me and created a separate email to communicate only as necessary.

BD March 2020. He separated from me in our own home. I believe the trigger was actually me as we fought and I asked him to sleep in the basement one night - he never came back. I had been going through severe depression and was finally getting excellent help (which he had encouraged) so I was shocked by this.

At first said he didn’t know what he wanted/couldn’t figure things out. As I didn’t know what was going on, I kept asking for answers and pushing for decisions. He would say he needed more time. He would walk away from conversations, if he had them at all. I continually told him I was willing to help him as I knew he wasn’t ok. I would reach out every 4-6 weeks to create a plan to move forward, together or separate, but he usually ignored me. Interestingly, he would later say I never did anything to create change. Each time I reached out I told him I wished it could be different/gladly work with him to change things/ask him if he was sure this was how he wanted it, because it wasn’t how I wanted things to be.

By August 2020 he felt our marriage was over; didn’t want to be hurt by me any longer; claimed I abused him; I hadn’t allowed him freedom; couldn’t think clearly as everything I did triggers him; I took his family and friends away; he doesn’t know who he is anymore; feels he has wasted his life.

I suggested completing a legal separation agreement and asked about lawyers but he hasn’t contacted any. He mentioned mediation late in the summer of 2020, but I refused (he wasn’t talking to me so it didn’t make sense). He didn’t push it again. He refused to do marriage counselling. Claims to have seen someone but only a few sessions where he decided both me and our marriage was toxic. When I asked why he’d stayed for over 20 years he said he was afraid of me.

This has almost driven me crazy but I’m hanging in there. I’ve always felt something wasn’t right. I have been working hard on myself physically (eating habits/jog/walk/yoga) and mentally (weekly therapy since December 2019/mediation/reconnected with friends and family).

Nothing I’ve done seems to have made any difference. He’s just as angry now as he was in March 2020. As of May 2021 I’ve decided to let things be and focus on myself and the kids until Spring 2022 when I plan to reassess if he makes no moves by then.

And now, here in July, I have found this group. Does it sound like a MLC? It’s the only thing that seems to make sense so far. Does anyone have any insights/thoughts?
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Searching for Answers
#1: July 22, 2021, 07:10:55 AM
Does this sound like MLC?

Is the Pope Roman Catholic?  Does a bear poop in the woods? Are cemeteries full of dead people?

This follows the "Low-Energy Wallower" script to the letter, right down to living in the basement... He's "scared" of you and always has been (for 20 years? PUH LEEEZE!), you "never" let him do anything he wanted? (What? Are you his mom that he has to ask permission to stay at Kevin's house for an hour?  ::) )

A couple of questions for you to consider....

1) Do you have financial security and have you ensured that he can not jeopardize that?  Even Low-Energy Wallowers can spend money like there is no tomorrow and you have 2 kids that I assume are still at home.  You may need to set some budgetary boundaries and get a handle on the family finances. You may even need to go so far as getting legal advice to ensure that YOUR financial security and that of your kids is secure.

2) How is his R with the kids? Does he even notice them? Interact with them?

3) If you are separated while in the same house, who does his laundry, cooks his meals, etc?  It really shouldn't be you as he has fired you from that position.

While he talks a lot about how it is all over, he hasn't moved to end anything (typical wallower).

As far as him expecting you to respond quickly, he doesn't respond at all. You may wish to consider mimicing that behaviour (take a look at the Rule of 3 - Someone is bleeding, respond in 3 minutes, something really important that has to do with the kids or house, 3 hours. "we need to talk"| - 3 days. Idle chit-chat, 3 weeks (if ever).

Unfortunately, form the first impression, you have gotten the Willy Wonka Golden Ticket to a party no one EVER wanted to be invited to attend and there are a few things to consider.
First, you need to take care of you - eating right, exercise, sleep, etc (all that stuff you listed already).
Second, you are now, unfortunately, the grown up in the house of 3 teenagers (2 real and one wannabe). Your kids are going to need someone stable in their life and Dad is probably NOT going to be it.
Third, this is HIS crisis and there is absolutely NOTHING that you can do about it. You can't "nice" him through it, you can't push him through it, you can't help him through it. He has a whole huge load of FOO (Family Of Origin) Poo to deal with and you are NOT the right address to try to assist him in that endeavour. He needs to deal with it, either on his own or with professional help.
Fourth, this is NOT a sprint to the finish line. This is an ultra-marathon slog through thick mud and, while there are success stories where the couple has reconnected and reconciled, the casual evidence is that this is not often the case, unfortunately. The goal if HS is to help you get to the point where you can live a good life, REGARDLESS of what happens with your Mid-Lifer.

In my tagline, there are a couple of links to some of the resources available here on the site and are a good starting point for people to get an idea of what they may be confronting if the person formerly known as "Spouse" has really gone off the deep end

Post as often as you feel the need. There will be others along shortly to also extend their welcome and offer their experience and advice. Take what feels useful and discard that which doesn't apply.

As a former Navy member, all I can say is "Batten down the hatches and stand by for heavy rolls"

Sorry that you needed to find us but glad that you did. This is a community of people who have "Been there, Done that, gotten the T-Shirt" so there is certainly someone who has been in an identical situation to you....

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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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