[Hopeful5]

I'm pretty certain my W paid a retainer to a D lawyer sometime in Jan/Feb.   So now is just a waiting game for when papers are served. Do any of you know roughly how long it takes for a D lawyer to draw up and serve D papers one the retainer is paid?

[Hoosier Daddy]

I'm pretty certain my W paid a retainer to a D lawyer sometime in Jan/Feb.   So now is just a waiting game for when papers are served. Do any of you know roughly how long it takes for a D lawyer to draw up and serve D papers one the retainer is paid?

In my situation xW’s lawyer contacted me directly within in 10 business days of her filing asking if I had counsel.  I didn’t at the time so she sent me forms to complete and return which I did.  About 2 months after returning the forms her lawyer sent a settlement offer which I countered.  Then complete silence for almost a year.  I ended up hiring a lawyer when things started back up.

HD

[Hopeful5]

Strange, my W paid a $10k retainer to a D attorney mid-late Feb (I'm 99% sure of this). That makes it more than 8'ish weeks ago.  I have no Idea what the hold up is on serving me the D papers... All of this liminal space is not fun to live in... If she's determined to get a D, the please just do it so I can know what she's demanding and begin to deal with it.  As of now I'm living with a sadistic woman who hates me and ignores my very existence.  Seeking some advice from a Lawyer this week on how I should handle sensitive discussions with her on things like finances etc.   

Any thoughts on why drawing up and serving D papers would take her so long?

[UrsaMajor]

Any thoughts on why drawing up and serving D papers would take her so long?

We can speculate until the cows come home but.....

Only from my experience (sample of 1)  - it took my MLCxW nearly 18 months form the time the papers were filed by her lawyer until she had actually produced all the paperwork required by the court to finalize her D. In contrast, I produced my parts within days of the request. Likewise, it took MLCxW also about 18 months of separation before she even filed but that was long after she had found/retained an attorney.  They sometimes appear to think "Hey, I retained an attorney. Everything will happen by magic now without my further involvement." Then <boom>  mean old Mr. Reality hits and they have to get active, meaning they have to take/accept responsibility for their actions and accept that the resulting consequences are theirs to bear.... MLC'ers HATE consequences and accountability with every fiber of their being..... and avoid it like the plague.

[Treasur]

Another one here whose spouse filed and then dragged their feet at every stage much as UM describes. While blaming me, of course. It was all rather surreal.

It does feel like rubbing salt in the wound, doesn’t it? Why do they do that? My best guess is based on an old book by Erica Jong that talks about the idea of a ‘zipless f**k’….i think for our spouses, it’s about a ‘zipless divorce’. Something that is already real in their head bc they have mentally declared themselves as no longer married so to them it’s kind of already true? And bc a real divorce process comes with quite a lot of adult practical stuff that is uncomfortable, costly and difficult. I can’t mind read MLCers ha ha, but I suppose the one thing we do know about the kind of folks who do this is that they are given to avoidance and don’t seem to much like adulting…..so the idea of an easy ‘zipless divorce’ where they don’t have to do much and the magic happy just shows up fits that mindset, doesn’t it? And their fury or resentment if/when the world turns out not to work that way.

There are a lot of LBS here - me included - who ended up having to work quite hard to finalise a divorce that they never imagined wanting. Looking back, I think I did that bc, just as you say, the limbo had exhausted me. I was ready to accept my losses and be done with the process. None of it was what I wanted or ever imagined happening in my life, but I knew when I had reached a point when I just wanted it behind me not in front of me if that makes sense.

Looking back, I think we LBS stay in limbo - understandably - rather more bc of our own mindset, hopes and deep sense of shock than might always be comfortable to admit. I think our MLC spouses simply don’t feel that same sense of limbo….we are playing catch up really. If you feel in limbo, and if it has become too much to live with, I think the feeling of limbo ends when you decide to end it even if there are practical things left hanging in the air. Perhaps it is even as strange and as simple as our own version of mentally divorcing ourselves from then….that we too stop thinking of ourselves as married, idk.

[Trustandlove]

I'm another one who's former H took years to do this -- he filed about 5 years after he left (he had done so once before, but cancelled it); it then took him a further 4 years to finalise the "divorce" part; the financial settlement wasn't done for another 2 years and was only done then because at that point I did push.  At all times I submitted everything that was required of me in the necessary time frame. 

Now that may be an extreme case, so I should point out that my situation meant that it was to my advantage not to be divorced, so I didn't push.  I decided to live with the "in limbo" bit for longer than most.  By the time it happened I was in a better place on many levels and it wasn't as detrimental as it might have been had it gone through earlier.  But even I got to the point that I no longer wanted any ties at all, and at that point I had already taken many steps to minimise the financial damage it would cause (it was still a lot). 

Many get to that point much earlier, but of course each individual situation varies.  It took me quite a while to ignore what "everyone" was saying, and taking a good hard look at my own situation and doing what was best for me and my children.

And I completely agree with what Treasur says about them wanting the "zipless divorce", my former H definitely fell into that category. 

[Helpnewc]

Yes, I agree.

It is very odd. I had immense pressure in December to get the property settlement done. I took the offer the week before Christmas and it is now April and the consent orders have not been filed. It normally takes a couple of weeks.

Don’t expect a rush. They are all over the shop.

[WHY]

I’m living this nightmare right now.  She filed over a year ago.  But won’t leave.  We’ve spent ~$60k in legal fees and are no where close to this thing being resolved. 

She won’t stop either.  She can’t stop herself.  It’s war war war with the attorneys.  But she won’t actually leave. 

Like Ursa said.  She field a motion to request documents that I was supposed to share (more legal fees losses involving the lawyers). But we’re supposed to share the docs at the same time.  And I asked if she has done hers (keep in mind that was 10 months post filing, simple documents). Alas, she had not.  So while my docs had been ready since a month after filing.  Hers docs were not after 10 months.  And she filed a motion to force me to share docs when hers weren’t ready?   The docs ended up being exchanged a month or two later once she prepared hers.  Another $2k down the toilet.   I’m sorry but this behavior is absolutely insane. 

One theory is perhaps the legal battle is feeding her narcissistic supply, seeing as though she’s not getting any of it from me.  This could be her way of getting that sweet supply. 

Everyone here keeps talking about protecting themselves financially.   How am I supposed to do that when the losses are legal fees, where it’s perfectly legal to use marital resources to burn through???  And I am not legally allowed to cut her off?   This thing is soul destroying….

Some days I’m not sure how to carry on. Most days I’m living my life as if and actually doing pretty great. 

It’s just the entire process.   It’s mind blowing.  It’s the most bizarre thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. 

At some level most people can bucket someone’s behavior.  2.5 years of studying MLC.  I just can’t figure it out.  It the strangest human behavior I’ve come across and it makes no sense.  Even a crazy persons behavior makes sense.  Because they’re crazy right!  But a MLCer?  Like what in gods name is that?

[marvin4242]

I am sorry you are dealing with this. My take has been, for a long time, that this is not something one can "understand." There are disorders that are, ironically, rather orderly and very very predictable. This one is one where there are so many conflicts and so much flux that the person is not stable and really has no discernible pattern or predictable rules. My analogy has been like a kaleidoscope the slightest rotation causes a massive change in landscape.

We by nature try to understand and find the pattern, and that only adds to the confusion, to hanging on, and more pain. We project how WE would behave onto something that doesn't lend itself to it. I believe that is why some hang on way past the expiry date, because the confusion of not understanding, the projection of thinking it can't be real, all lends to a kind of paralysis.

[Ready2Transform]

Totally agree with Marvin. I spent years "studying" because, in hindsight, that was an active way for me to continue to participate in this process. But especially once you're going through the legal end of all of this, you absolutely have to take a position that is not about MLC. It puts you at a huge disadvantage in mitigating the damages and preparing yourself for the rest of your life (ask me how I know!  ). To answer your question as to whether you have a right to stop the financial bleeding, that's something you and your attorney need to discuss. Sometimes instead of the tug-of-war of maintaining the living situation and status quo, we have to open our minds to what choices would we have if we were participating in our own best interests. There is no outcome that will be the total end of the world, so long as you believe that you will be able to rebuild your life and be happy again, no matter what. The thing that sucks the most has already happened, for all of us. Embrace the change.