[Treasur]

More and more, I think Acceptance is the key that unlocks whatever kind of detachment we think we need to find to be ok. And Acceotance is an incredibly difficult thing bc it has so many layers. Small things and really big things. And for a while, perhaps quite a long while, life keeps giving us reminders of the gap between how it was and how it is so there are more new 'firsts' to Acceot. Like an endless dry biscuit or a nasty tasting medicine. Until, with time, there is more of the new normal and less new stuff to Accept perhaps.

It also occurs to me that detachment works both ways. That it isn't just detaching from them, it is also detaching ourselves and our lives from them. Reclaiming and removing their access to the things that matter to us bc they have become people who can't be trusted with those things.

Detachment is also about ceasing to care about their opinion of our choices and our lives and our feelings. Again, time helps with that too. We do new things, go to different places, make new friends, experience things that don't involve them, make choices without them getting a voice or vote. Less brutally and suddenly perhaps than they did, but gradually there is more of us and less of them in our lives. But to do that, we have to Acceot a whole bunch of things we don't want to and a whole bunch of things that make no sense to us at all. Even to accept our own mistakes or misjudged priorities as we stumbled through this.

I truly think it is difficult to detach without reaching a certain capacity to Accept.
And in some of our situations, we were faced with really quite extreme or far from normal things to try to Acceot or limited information that trickled out over time.

[OffRoad]

I think it needs to be specified that acceptance really means acceptance that this is reality and that the only thing we control is ourselves and what we choose to do about it. Acceptance does not mean accepting poor behavior or letting someone else trample our boundaries.

I sometimes think people think acceptance is like "It's not their fault. If I just weather the abuse, they'll see how wonderful I am, so I'll show acceptance."  Loving unconditionally doesn't mean letting people trample your boundaries or abuse you either. Loving unconditionally means you love them enough to make their own choices after you tell them "I will not be screamed at. I'm going to the other room until you can talk without screaming"

I haven't had and real contact with XH since dropping off S a year ago Christmas. At that time, he still acted like he would burst into flames if he so much as touched anything I had touched, so I had to pass S's gifts and bags only to S. I was still polite and courteous, but did say "Since you won't touch anything directly from me, how about we just set up a fire line where you are at the trunk of your car, H, so you don't have to jump everytime you get near me?" He started to get angry, then realized my assessment of the situation was correct and I stood at my car, handed things to S and S handed things to XH who put them in his car.  The whole interaction was beyond foolish and only happened because i am not allowed to drop S at the house where he lives with his father.  I can do this with getting upset that xh wont touch anything ive touched ( how crazy is that?), or being angry at the absurdity where i am not allowed to even park outside the house where MY SON lives because accept that this is the reality of the situation and the only thing I control is me.

Detachment means giving up trying to control the outcome. It means knowing you cannot control the other person, loving anyway, only allowing yourself to be treated as you deserve to be treated, ignoring stupid stuff when it's not important, and standing up for the things that are. It means you are your own person with your own thoughts, not just half of a marriage. (Or somebody's mother or father). It means allowing people to make their own crappy choices, but you still get to say "That crappy choice hurts me." And you get to decide what you want to do with that hurt.

It still hurts me that my son chooses to live with a person who would throw away his spouse like a used tissue, and xh's live in GF  with "questionable morals" as S20 puts it, but I find its more about me being worried he'll think this is normal behavior and I will feel like I failed him. But the very fact that when I asked S if the gf treated S well (As that was all I cared about), S's response was "She has questionable morals" told me I really did well by S. He is aware this is not normal, but choosing to stay with his father during community college for his own reasons. I can't control him. I accept that, I love S anyway. The kind of detachment that comes with setting your grown children free to fly on their own.

Detachment is not a bad thing.

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

Someone in Al-anon gave me some great advice: "when you want to detach from something negative, attach to something positive".  To explain further, be kind to yourself.  Bring the focus back to us and little by little, we get in that habit.  What kindness can you do for yourself today? Talk to a friend, get a manicure, massage, buy yourself flowers, take a drawing class etc...  It's really about taking so much focus off the circus monkey drama and refocusing on things that you can control that make you just a little happier.  (In the beginning, it may be just trying to distract yourself for a few seconds from the almost unbearable pain). But it does become a habit.  Another good tool someone gave me:  "How would you act and react if you were completely over him? What would you say and do? What would that look like?"  That helped a lot.  This is a hard road, be kind to yourself. 

[Lbs1]

Detachment for me was to stop hurting for what my husband is doing to himself, myself and our family.
It was unimanigeable at the begining. Everyone would say this is not about you.... but it was hard because i was feeling hurt and it was affecting me. It took a long time for me to see that if my husband was going to go thru this and come out it had to be on his own. Nothing i did or said helped him, in fact i think i added time to the process because i waited to detach. I believe it is something you must decide to do. To take action and detach.

I believe on what Old Pilot said in the beginning...Fake it until you make it.. If i was to wait until i feel like detaching i would be attached until now.

I made a conscious decision to stop reacting to my husband. It was hard the first few days i didnt think i could make it alive, but its been 5 months. I stopped asking questions and i never heard hurtful things again!!! I stopped offering ezplanation about my life and i stopped receiving absurd suggestions!

I havent asked questions, i haven't offered information about me or my life, i simply respond to any text to the point and respectfully.
When a home issue comes up I hire someone to fix it. I accepted that although this situation wasnt my choice it is how my life is at this moment and im trying the best i can.
I benefit from acting like that because i'm no longer feeling pain 24/7. Im able to focus on my life instead. I have a few amazing friends who are always available for me to vent and i no longer look for opportunities to call,text,email or drive by my husbands father's house.

I always have a plan for the kids and i for the weekends and we dont change or plans anymore.
Now im trustring that my husband will make the best possible choice on his own. If he doesnt i will be just fine.

[Thunder]

Nice update Lbs1.   

I believe once we accept there is nothing we can do to change their mind, and let go, it gets easier.
Things get calmer and your life gets better.

Driving by their house, snooping on them only keeps us stuck.

You sounds really good.

Hugs

[One day at a time]

Interesting to read about distancing vs detachment... I understand the difference but at least in my case, I only achieved detachment after distancing.. The distancing wasn't my choice, it was H's. He moved abroad a year ago and stopped communication with me bar the odd mail about practicalities... At the beginning I thought this was the worst thing that could happen to me/us... But looking at it now, it was great for me... It brought detachment and my ability to look at the situation with realistic eyes... And reality for me was that H was well and truly gone. He had a new life, in a new country and a new bride to be.. He became a person who I didn't recognize anymore and I certainly did not love that new person. I accepted the death of the H I knew and the relationship we had... 

I'm not sure if it was the distance, the lack of contact, the detachment, the acceptance or a bit of all but I got to a point where the love was gone and the idea of having my H back felt like complete fantasy for me.. As if I was hoping for a dead man to become alive again... It also helped me to see my marriage for what it was and that things were not as "perfect" as I made them up to be at BD... It made me see that things that I had accepted for YEARS were not good for me and how they affected me as a person...  I started to think that maybe this was meant to happen for me to find a person better suited to be with me.. I know this might be very controversial but I started to think that maybe the thing I was most afraid of was change... Specially a change that I didn't ask for..

So at least in my case, it feels like detachment pushed me to live my life and erode the feelings I had for H. He got what he wanted, I'm out of his life and I wouldn't even consider myself an iffer at this stage.

[Sam I Am]

1. What does Detachment mean for you personally?  (In your own words or a quote that best describes your thoughts)

Detachment to me has become more of a position of being neutral in regards to H.  I can observe and see the things he does, but I don't have to have a reaction to them.  I can be kind, supportive yet remain neutral in feelings.   When I do react, I am able to quickly gain control of my thoughts, my emotions and any other part of me that could be negatively affected. 

2. What did you do to gain a measure of it?  I measure detachment by maintaining control of myself.  Responding vs reacting.  Pausing or even exiting a situation as needed.

3. What positives did Detachment bring you? (Prompted by Thunder.  Thank you!)   Peace.   I have peace.  I have control of me most of the time.  Acceptance...definitely acceptance came quickly or maybe detachment and acceptance happened hand in hand.  Either way....I have peace. 

I also noticed that with the acceptance my growth and development of dealing with everything grew exponentially.  I addressed my issues.  I quit running from triggers and faced them head on which brought panic and anxiety under control.  I no longer operate at the speed of light.  It is ok to sit and savor the moment or take the time to think through things before addressing them.

I read that there was confusion with distancing.   I still distance as I need to.    H is more in contact now after a dry season.  Contact continues increasing.  I recognize that I can't always deal with him and his bouncing.  When this happens...I distance.  I reply slower when needed.  I don't take the call but I'll respond with a Busy....I'll call you back later.  If it is an emergency....let me know.  (I use the same text for my clients...hehe). 

I also will distance when I have doubts about what H is telling me.  Although I want to believe him....I can't yet and if something seems fishy...I back away and let him to it.  I do that for me...not to punish him.  I need to control me and sometimes that control is in the form of distance until I am ready to deal. 

Sometimes I just distance from everyone.  I have found that I crave alone time.  Especially after crazy days in the office.  I just want to go and veg.  I will distance from everyone...friends, family, H.....this is my time that I need to recharge.  Once recharged....Watch out because I'M BAAAACK!

[Treasur]

 It occurred to me this morning that we all talk about detachment a lot.....and mostly find it very difficult....and perhaps find different flavours of it.

Imho some level of detachment is a key survival tool for all LBS, so I wondered if a refresher discussion might be useful.

Not so much about defining it, but perhaps just sharing our practical experience of different flavours of detachment. Newbies can tell us what is most difficult about it.....vets can tell us about their path towards it....those with kids can talk about how they manage to do it when the MLCer does have visitation....how detachment works with different kinds of behaviours from vanishers to liveins to boomerangs....all those different flavours we have figured out as we go. In the hope that someone else might go aha ha, that could help me, worth a try 




My thoughts....
Practically for me detachment is when none of my thoughts and actions were contingent on what my xh did or didn't do. Including the old 'what I think he might be thinking' game lol.
And it took a surprisingly long time, years.

In my case, different flavours came in stages.....doing detachment came before feeling detachment. And feeling detachment took much longer. In my situation, practical things helped....limiting contact, separating bits of my life where I could practically and financially including social media links, learning it was a waste of time to ask questions about anything really also helped bc it meant I just decided for myself. I suppose I stopped behaving as if there was a We.

Looking back, I think I was trying to detach from multiple things at the same time....my h, my m, my normal expectations, any outcome that involved my h, some of my own emotions and beliefs. In my case, the stickiest bit of detachment was actually about detaching from any assumption that my xh would behave a bit like he used to be. And that he cared about me at all, even a tiny bit.

Limiting contact was necessary for me to detach. It might not be so for everyone, but that was how it was for me. I think contact with anything WTF just made it more difficult for me to regain my own sense of normal on the other side of the street  I also think, in my case, that some of the things that came with divorce helped....separating stuff, moving to another house, not having anything important resting on him saying yes, no or nothing.

I'm not sure if being divorced made a big difference to me. Maybe bc by the time it happened, there was a lot of water under the bridge? Idk. I don't know what other people's experience of that is. I suspect that my xh's remarriage killed some bits off too lol.

I also accept that there is a tiny residue of emotional un-detachment which pops up now and then. It never makes we want to do anything with it but I tend to observe it....silly things like I still remember when his birthday is, or get the odd waft of old love from nowhere, or see something and think 'oh, my h would like that....oh, silly me, he's long gone'  ....I suppose I accept a residue of attachment in my head to my old h as something quite normal (well not for MLCers tee hee) but I also notice that my reactions now, say if I found out he was seriously ill, would probably be different than even a year ago. That detachment flavour is a kind of 'I don't wish him harm' but I also don't feel strongly either....as if there is just a bigger and bigger river between me and him. He's far away on his side and I am here on mine. I probably do have those moments of 'how on earth did this come to be' after the kind of relationship we had for so long....but detachment means I don't fight against it now.

Some pretty bonkers events really pushed me to detach and go NC at one point. Which was the right thing to do for my safety and sanity, so I have never regretted that. Some level of detachment I think, maybe the first flavour we hunt for, is about protecting yourself from further emotional damage.

But I think there is a deeper longer wider reason too.
I don't believe (jmo) that most of these folks have some grand plan to hurt us. I think they just will if it gives them what they feel they need at a given time. And they don't usually care much, if at all.
But they know us, often for years and years.
So sometimes they take the very best parts of our character (often the bits that they used to like the most) and use them as weapons against us. We get hurt more by our own kindness say, or our natural sense of responsibility, or our optimism or commitment to our family. Detaching helps you to protect those bits of you imho, bc if they are used to hurt you for a long time, you can start to doubt the value of them in yourself as a person. Just a thought.


What has your experience been of some of the different flavours of detachment, and your own path towards it?

[Standing Strong]

What an interesting discussion T......

For me, for now.... detachment is two parts.
1. A man of purpose: To go after what I want/need to do so that the future is bright, and I haven't squandered what time remains just sitting. There's work and dreams and things to do. That can't be stopped for anyone. I have to go this way, and you're free to join when you're up to it.... and I'm saving a place for you.

2. Emotional juggernaut: Invulnerable..... unstoppable.... able to shrug off all direct damage. A rock, an anchor and a "Determined Stanchion". A light in the dark. To maintain one's self no matter what is happening as the world twists, bends and swirls around your orbit. There is only one calm in the middle of the storm...... me.

To me and for me..... that's detachment (maybe different later).

I think that it's very sweet that you still have things popup in your mind about Ex-H..... no matter what happens, there is always some form of love which endures even if it's small. As they are a mirror, it is a small comfort to know that they also harbor this little spark which is never extinguished (and I know this to be true).

-SS   

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

Thank you Treasur, what a good idea for newbies especially.

My MLCer was/is a high energy replayer monster.  I didn't want to detach, did a couple of rounds of ugly crying and begging, but him being so cruel made it easer.  I have kids with him so couldn't go full no contact but went dim and dark.  I had to do a lot of "act as if".  Some advice I got:  Whatever he says or does, think about how you would behave if you were completely over him and he was just someone from your past.  I latched onto that.  I didn't know how to be in this world at that time, so that gave me a script.  I feel a lot like you, Treasur.  I "acted as if" long before I felt any kind of detachment.  I still on occasion think about things I'd like to share with him.  A good movie, something someone said, etc.   In the beginning, I do remember being so upset that I kind of hoped that I would somehow end up in the hospital or something bad would happen (not too bad!) so that I would get his attention.  Now I truly feel like if I ended up in the hospital or something, I really wouldn't want him there.  I have my friends and others I can rely on. 

So back to your original question, how to detach?

Act as if you are already over them - just someone you used to know.  Just keep playing that part.
Do the next right thing for yourself and kids.  Don't focus on any more than that. What is the next thing to do and then do it.
Surround yourself with good supportive people. This forum was a life saver for me.
Truly it just takes time.  The first few months for me were maybe the most painful in my life.  Just keep being good to you and you will feel better.
Praying for him somehow made me feel better.  I visualized him surrounded by a healing blue light.