[Sam I Am]

Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11359.0

I hope I am doing this right.  Been a long time since I had a new thread!

[Sam I Am]

My new subject is chosen because this is two sayings I have been using a lot.  Me....I am onward and upward.  Living life and always working to get better and better.  H....is rinse and repeat.  I started using this when an LBS friend said it regarding her H.  It was applicable so H is still more rinse and repeat.  Not really doing much that I can see.  No significant changes.

Still gonna continue with comparisons....over the years...there is change....but it is slow and hard to recognize if you are looking at it daily.  These comparisons help me.  Mostly seeing where I am going and H is not.

H Comparisons:

2017 - H was continuing to get grumpier and more distant.  More times of disappearing.  I was blind.

2018 - H was home for a little over a month.  He showed up a few times to help at the house but with long silences inbetween.  Little did I know that he was preparing to move in with OW1 when she moved back at the end of the month.  He was great at his secrets.

2019 - H was showing up more often.  More visits.  More talk time.  Shorter times of shut down. 

2020 - A lot of visits this month.  Mostly due to PB.  We would travel together and arrange to go to play together often.  Things were the best they had been since BD as far as our comfort level with each other.  We even went out for dinner together one night.  It was nice.  We had fun together.

2021 - H has jumped off into a deep end again.  Last year we communicated nearly everyday.  This year...we had 7 days with communicate in the last month.  Total reversal from last year.  In fact, he went 15 days with no communication.  Last month it was 9 days.  Fifteen days was the most days in a row we didn't communicate since August of 2018. 

H was was gone.  Went 16 days without visiting or seeing the grandkids.  Just POOF....then POOF, he shows up unannounced to see grandkids and calls out of the blue.

Now he is back to playing hero for a short period of time.  He is working hard to help get my shower completed before my surgery next month.  I really appreciate this, but it means nothing yet.  I see it as his guilt taking over.  Hard to believe that just a few months ago things were decent and now he is Hoodini!  LOL  Oh well.  It is what it is!  I leave him alone and don't bother him!

[Sam I Am]

For me....I feel like I am moving onward and upward.

I have taken H's silence in stride.  I don't like it.  I wish we could communicate more.  However, when we do, there is no substance.  It is mostly him rambling on about this that or the other thing.  Doesn't ask about me or want my opinion....he just wants to talk.  I am assuming to avoid the silence that may bring on thinking.  Who knows....just a possibility.

I still do me.  Still trying to be active despite physical limitations. 

Emotionally, I feel good.  I have not had triggers in several months now.  I can't explain where I am or how I feel just that I am good.  I feel in control of me.  I feel like I can overcome most anything.  Not always easy but I feel up for the challenge.

As for H....I love him but yet I feel different when I think about him.  I see that I no longer know him.  I see his physical appearances growing very old very fast.  There is a hollowness to him....both in his looks and his personality right now.  It is getting worse.  I feel empathy for him but I don't want to do anything to try to help him.   I just look and see and move forward.  Nothing I can do.  I don't even have the urge to give him advice.

I have surgery for next month, H has not asked about it or volunteered to go with me.  My first surgery, he was quick to volunteer his support.  Not this time and I am not asking for it either.   I have no ill will about his actions but in return, I won't volunteer info.  He can ask me for updates if he wants to.

I just found out that in the PB world, everyone still thinks we are married and living together.  He is not telling anyone anything different.  LOL.  Silly MLCer.

I don't know what more to say other than I am good and nothing is taking me from this place.  I can only move onward and upward...nothing backwards for me!

[FaithWalker]

Attaching.  Definitely like your catch phrase much better than your H's.   

[MadLuv]

I see his physical appearances growing very old very fast.  There is a hollowness to him....both in his looks and his personality right now.  It is getting worse.  I feel empathy for him but I don't want to do anything to try to help him.   I just look and see and move forward.  Nothing I can do.  I don't even have the urge to give him advice

Isn’t it so strange to see this? As time goes on it seems to be more prevalent. Just where are they? I think the way they feel really starts to show externally and it is a bit scary. My XH says he doesn’t feel he belongs anywhere anymore and he looks like the way he feels. It gives some more validity to this is a real crisis that no one wants to be in. 

[rosetintedglasses]

Welcome to your new thread Sam.

Great title and comparisons.

Hope all surgery goes ok, sending love
Rose 🌹

[Sam I Am]

This was carried over from my previous thread:  I meant to post it last week and I didn't....oopsie!

sam- so many similarities on behavior. Moments of clarity and then further into darkness. Opens up and then closes down worse. I like you am now just letting him walk his journey. He had to spend the weekend with family after 10 months of hardly seeing or communicating with any. I think that is overwhelming. OW is starting to show her classless true self. Will be interesting to see if he still can’t see it clearly or since it is affecting his job and our S28 job if that will be some wake up call.

They sure all follow the same script. I like you am
No longer in savior mode and am not easily triggered. I feel real detachment starting. How has that made you feel? It has made me a little emotional this week. I have been holding, standing and fighting so long that the feeling of true detachment is a bit scarey. It is much less stressful, but I am worried I will lose feelings and if he comes back I will not be available.

Such a mixed bag of emotions. Thank you for journalling. Our time lines are similar and also the touch and go, on and off behavior of our MLC’rs seem to also be earily similar. Yet, that is why it is MLC

Torn up:  You asked about detachment and how I feel.   The best way I can describe it is neutral.  I care but yet I am not moved by the mlc shennanigans.  I am not numb to what is going on but more Meh...it is what it is type of attitude.  I can't control his decisions in any way.  I have no need to even really think about them.  I observe but I observe a lot.  I observe what is happening with my kids.  I observe the clients in my office.  I observe what is going on around me.  I don't seek it out....just observe what is in front of me.   This is how I feel with H.  When we have interactions....I observe.  I hear the tone of his voice.  I see how he looks.  I watch his responses.  I listen to what he is saying....many times even what he is non saying as he tends to like to bait me by starting to say something and changing direction or by dropping hints....which I have learned not to bite on.  I am very careful to just see what is factual and not read into anything.

Btw....the baiting is easy to pick up on.  He tends to repeat it several times.  Keeps trying to get my attention.

Example:

H:  when are you closing the pool?
Me:  Probably not this weekend...maybe next Sat or Sun
H:  I can help on Sat this week
Me:  Ok  Probably won't be this week.

Later on a different subject....H:  I'll be around Saturday this week.

Me:  In my head - Ok H.  You have plans for Sunday.  I get it! 

A week later:  Me and sis went to visit S last Sunday.   Grrr....so why not just say your going to visit vs dropping hints.  Not biting silly MLCer. 

I had concerns also that I would loose feelings.  Being neutral is a lot less painful.  Less feeling....yes.  I often wonder if this is what they mean by I love you but I am not in love with you.  I love him.  I have hope he will come through this someday and we can work towards a loving relationship again.  If not, I can move forward with no regrets.  I just know at this time, I am not ready for a new relationship with anyone.  Not even with H.  I know that for us to be together again, we would have to go slow.  Get to know each other again.  We have been apart for so long, I really don't know him.  At least i don't know the man he is now.  I know who he used to be and I know that man may be gone in whole or in part.  I wouldn't jump into anything with anybody right now.  Just slow and steady and get to know that person.

I see so many people who just don't want to be alone jump both feet into a relationship and then they wonder why it didn't work out.  I am content with my life right now.  I am happy with her I am at this point.  Who knows what the future holds!

Ultimately, no matter what happens with us.....I don't want to see him suffer the rest of his life.  I want to see him heal because healing feels good.  I know this from personal experience!  Healing is good and makes us better!  I want this for him too!  I think this is true love.  Wanting the best for them.....no matter what!

[Sam I Am]

Faith:  I agree.....I like mine better too.  Hehe!

How are you doing?  Well I hope!

[Sam I Am]

Tornup:

It is hard to watch them deteriorate.  Especially when they think they are still "hot".  Pictures are sent and they are not good.  He doesn't see it and OWs must not see it either. 

I agree that their inside issues are coming through. 
My mom is bi-polar and I always could tell when she was in a funk.  I could see this "look" as she was approaching from a distance.   She would age like by 20 years.  Wrinkles and haggard looking.  Stressed.  When she was taking her meds right...she looks younger than her actual years.   The depression can do a number on them physically. 

I am not sure how H is feeling.  He shares none of this with me.  Sometimes his voice is happy and chipper and other times he sounds beat down and just going through the emotions.  This could be a reflection of how he is feeling at the time.  Or he could just be tired.  Who knows!  Not me!  Sometimes I wish I did....others times.....I am good!  I have me to worry about and that is enough!

[Sam I Am]

Rose:   Hugs back at ya!  Hope you are well!

Thanks for the well wishes.  I want my knew knee so I can return to an active life style again.  Tired of pain!  Tired of limitations.  I want to move!

Take care of you and your wonderful kiddos!   

Sam