I have had an entire week to myself. S16 has spent the week between his father and grandparents house. He texts me to vent about his frustrations and how he feels. I offered to come get him....but he declined.....he doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings...so we found a solution that works for him (ie call his grandmother to come get him when he’s fed up with his father’s girlfriend and friends).
But me.....😊😊😊
I have had a lovely week. I am changing my wardrobe....I had lived my life up until marriage as a jeans and tshirt with a pony tail sort of girl. Stbx was very concerned with appearances...so I learned to dress nicer? More mainstream? I don’t know...the point was I looked nice but it didn’t quite feel like me.
So I bought staple pieces that look like me. I’m making a capsule wardrobe.
Thursday was my day off, so I took myself out to breakfast, then got my toes painted, I bought myself a book of poetry....I love poetry and used to write it all the time....I have begun to write again. Then off to the neighboring town for a purse, and some embroidery and even a couple of those mini brands because I wanted to open them and they are fun.
Then to the Asian market where the most fashionable cutest tiniest little grandma took me around the store and helped me shop. I love kind strangers. There is nothing that makes me happy for the rest of the day like kindness from a complete stranger...because it reminds me that people are good and nice and kind and generous.
Friday night I went out for hibachi at a grill where they cook in front of you with a friend. She was trying to decide wether or not to break things off with her boyfriend and asked me to read over her texts and give my honest opinion. One of the things I notice was true for me and stuck with me....”He seems remarkably okay with hurting your feelings and you being upset.” She said explain it. So I asked....”if you upset me and you knew you had upset me.....what would you do?” Now compare that with what he does when he upsets you and knows you are upset?
Anyways.....it just stuck with me.
Yesterday I spent the entire morning just dry brushing, doing a bath, my hair, lotion, my makeup ect. I took 3 hours to get ready (I’m usually a 5-30 min person). It was nice to spend that amount of time on me.
Then I embroidered, had breakfast, did a bit of shopping and spent 2 hours just driving around. I finished the night by going out to dinner with my new poetry book. Then wandered around the shops downtown.
What a difference from 4 months ago when I would have panic attacks just thinking about leaving the house. Where any self care made me cry.
I did meet a Romeo on the way to the restaurant. I had decided to walk a few blocks because it was a really lovely day. A man pulls up next to me in his car and screams “hey lady, girl you fine” and then proceeds to roll down all 4 windows and blare 90’s R&B while creeping along beside of me for 2 blocks. 🤣🤣🤣🤣 And they say romance is dead. 😂
What did he think was going to happen I wonder? Did he imagine I would be so smitten I would swan dive into the car through the passenger side window??? 🤣 I must have looked like I had a fantastic personality. Bless it.
Stbx contacts me last night after a week of silence to tell me he wanted me to know he wasn’t calling because he was dealing with some bad news. And to solidify arrangements for s16 to come visit him.
I only responded to the arrangements for s16 and ignored the rest.
Honesty....it’s been nice to have the silence and his texts often feel like an intrusion more than anything.
I am almost finished with the embroidery piece. I haven’t done it in 20 years, and while I was working on it and experimenting with techniques I saw on the internet it occurred to me....the thing I used to hate about it....and why I hadn’t touched it in years was really my perfectionism....I would make a mistake and shame myself for it and then there was no joy in it anymore. Now I think the “mistakes” give it character and I am more pleased and proud of myself for the attempt than the outcome. It is succulents and cactus’s btw in cute little coral pots.
I was chosen for the cto team at work. Cto’s are highly complex, very long cardiac catheterizations. I had asked my boss to be trained on them in case we did one again, then started the hunt for Reps that would do the training....when I got ahold of the rep that does the training program...he said “it’s so crazy you called me about this, the doctor that does these wants to restart the program, I’m meeting with your boss tomorrow to ask for permission to restart this program and do training there.”
I do not, and have never believed in coincidences.
So I decided to stay here and do this program. I’m proud of myself for being the nurse that was chosen to do these. You need to be competent, but more importantly....you need to be able to anticipate what the doctor will need or want next. Which I’m good at. We can thank my childhood trauma for the hyper vigilance. 🤣
So I finally feel as if I’m on a path. My life makes a tiny bit more sense than it did a month ago. And I’m happy.
Finally did discuss with my therapist the “reasons why I shouldn’t have to forgive” 3 page dissertation paper I wrote instead of doing the forgiveness assignment. 🤣🤣🤣 she sounds like a sweet little church lady and said “soooo.....I read what you wrote about forgiveness.....we are just going to put that on the back burner for now, and we will work on some other things before we circle back around to it” 🤣🤣🤣 (please imagine everything she says in a sweet kindly, southern accent for full effect)
All I could think was “good choice, this feels like a safer option for all of us”. 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I’m not there yet but I’ll get there eventually.
Love you guys
❤️ Courage ❤️
Author
Topic: 
Out of Chaos into Calm