Happy New Year LBS Fam!
Thanks Nas, Sacha and Curiosity for replying. While I dont always reply, please know I do appreciate the time y'all take to respond, and I read them with great thought. Sometimes, Im just not in a place to respond.
What a rough week. My god. I kept meaning to get on here and journal, but the thought of doing so felt so daunting (see above LOL)
Christmas was good as I previously posted. After Christmas, the first few days were still decent. I had met remotely with friends on Boxing Day, and then the day after, against all lockdown orders, I went over to visit Friend, who I have posted about before. We had some drinks, watched a movie, and even cuddled! I did end up spending the night (not intimately), and woke up at 5am and since I couldn't get back to sleep, I figured I was sober enough to drive home. It was nice laying with someone and having them stroke my hair and rub my back, while I curled into them. Physical touch is definitely my receiving LL, so I did cherish the moment as touch is something I have most definitely missed during the pandemic.
My 10 year anniversary came and went with silence from my W. To be honest, it stung. Did she not reach out because I didn't reach out at Christmas time? Are we in some sort of NC stand off? Does she even know (or did she know) what day it was? I tried to chalk it up that this anniversary is part of my past and isn't to be celebrated anymore, but it stung to not even get a belated Xmas message on this day, if even to just open the door to wish me well.
NYE came and I had a couple of facetime calls with different circles of friends. I rang in the new year, kept on with my friends and then logged off around 1am. And then I cried. Realizing that 2021 is here, that my W is still vanished, that we have moved into being strangers. So, I had a good cry and then went to bed.
January 1 was hard as well. Still not a word from my W. No belated NY wishes, nothing. The lines have been drawn.
Friend messaged me at 2am to see if I was still up - booty call after the other nights cuddle session? LOL. So I messaged her back the next day, she asked what I was going to be doing for the day, and I told her that it was a bit of an emotional one for me, so I planned on laying on the couch watching movies or TV, eating Chinese food and crying at random moments in between. And so I did. And here we are. Its the 4th day of a new year. I realize that I still have a lot of hurt in my heart. My abandonment wounds, while they have been tended to, are not healed, and abandonment can send me spiralling, to this day. I am meeting my therapist on Wednesday, so I hope to unpack a lot of this with her.
S did message me Christmas morning, very early. It was a nice surprise to wake up and see something from her. Shes still hot and cold, and I think shes showing some semblance of approaching her mid life crisis. Emotionally, I dont need to get attached to that, but if she wants me to be her "replay" friend, I may not object to that either, isn't MLC sex supposed to be wild? LOL We also chatted throughout NYE and she messaged me right after midnight to wish me a Happy NYE. Her actions and words never align, so while I appreciate the sentiment, I am not reading into her contact for special holidays.
Other than that, today was my first day back to work after a holiday. Needless to say, I didn't do a damn thing (woke up early to sign on, went back to bed until around noon). I have no idea how I will ever be expected to pretend to work, in an office location, ever again LOL
Good thing the pandemic is still raging, which means WFH will extend into God knows when. And I am okay with that. 2021 will be a focus to use the money I am saving by staying home, to start denting some of the credit mess my W left behind (my credit is good, but my balances need some tending to).
Hope everyone is staying safe. Some pretty crazy times out there, but I won't let the start of 2021 drive what I think the year will look like.
After all, 2020 showed us that anything and everything is possible. And here we are, trying to survive and thrive in all the rubble.
Oh and edit: I seem to have a fear of running out of time, that seemingly has entered my mind. I had an injury from the summer that only recently healed, so I am back to being able to do intense at home work outs, which feels great. But I have been having feelings of "10 years with my ex flew by so fast, how fast will the next 10 come, and will I even survive til then?"
Anyone else struggle with these thoughts after BD?