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Author Topic: My Story Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2

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My Story Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
#50: December 21, 2020, 01:09:14 PM

Hello,


I get the anger. At first I was angry and focused on OM, then I shifted to my Ex. Nothing wrong with anger if it you use it to motivate yourself to move forward. It becomes an issue if you use it to justify lashing out at others. Acknowledging the anger and flushing it from the system is a step towards understanding your pain.  Just know the pain is still there and you need to heal.


Ya, my anger is solely directed at her.   I am not angry in other aspects of my life, and to be honest, Im not angry WITH her.   Just the thought of dealing WITH her is what makes me mad.   


You sound very good LL  :D

Very healthy and detached. Yeah, the actual day could be a little different than you think....... big days are funny that way, especially when it's the 1st time. That's ok though..... even if it sneaks up on you, that's natural...... healthy even. I'd say if it does try to grab onto you, don't push it away. It's needed.

-SS

Thanks SS,

I realize the day could be an emotional one, but I am actually looking forward to spending time with my family.   I think hearing from my W would be what sets me back on that day, not the day itself

I guess Christmas might be the playbook for December 30 and NYE.   December 30th would have been our 10 year anniversary together.   I won't acknowledge it, as its not my present.   But I wonder if she will

Then, theres NYE.  I suspect if I dont hear from her at Christmas, I won't hear from her on NYE.

Our province just announced an extended lockdown until January 23rd.  This cements my NYE at home, alone.   I may go see my mom and brother if I get lonely, I may do Facetimes with Friends.

Either way, it will be an opportunity for a new year, new beginning.
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Me (W) 44 - W 42
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Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
#51: December 22, 2020, 01:05:38 AM
We’re not in full lockdown. Where I am we’re in tiers. However they say there will be a review on 30th December but I know nothing much is going to change. The rules for my tiers are I can mix with other households. Rule of 6 and all so I may have some friends over. I’m not too sure what I do.

I think, it would be good if on December 30th you make yourself a new tradition. Maybe celebrate your new life? Something that makes you happy. I used to acknowledge my BD and anniversaries in a jokey way. It helped me find the humour in the situation. I needed that then. I’m not sure I do anymore so I probably won’t do it this year. But it defo helped me find something new to do as it took my focus off what that day would have been.
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3 children together D6 D9 D11 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

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Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
#52: December 22, 2020, 09:42:16 AM
We’re not in full lockdown. Where I am we’re in tiers. However they say there will be a review on 30th December but I know nothing much is going to change. The rules for my tiers are I can mix with other households. Rule of 6 and all so I may have some friends over. I’m not too sure what I do.

I think, it would be good if on December 30th you make yourself a new tradition. Maybe celebrate your new life? Something that makes you happy. I used to acknowledge my BD and anniversaries in a jokey way. It helped me find the humour in the situation. I needed that then. I’m not sure I do anymore so I probably won’t do it this year. But it defo helped me find something new to do as it took my focus off what that day would have been.

We too are on a tiered base system.  My city is in full lockdown, but the province was not.   So now the province is playing catch up to my city as the province as a whole is now in lockdown.  So as a single person, I can only associate with one other household.

I dont feel a need to find a different way to celebrate the 30th.   I recognize that this day is part of my past, and not my present.   I'll likely have emotions, but I dont think it will be as strong as my wedding anniversary was, months after BD.  11 months later, Im in a much different place mentally, and I've mostly moved on.

If the day does get bad, I will look to find a new way to celebrate LOL
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#53: December 22, 2020, 03:27:02 PM
I won’t get into the ins and outs of the farce of what’s going on over here ha but I think this $hit show isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Unless your in a country that handled it well at the start NZ for example.

It’s really your call what you do on the 30th. Everyone has to find their own coping mechanisms. However just know this will be the worst you’ve ever had of this event. It won’t get any worse. The 30th December 2021 will be easier, and 2022 easier than that. It’s kinda how it rolls. So there’s always that, that once the 31st rolls around you’ll know it’ll never get worse than that.
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Me - 31
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3 children together D6 D9 D11 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

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#54: December 26, 2020, 09:17:03 AM
Merry Christmas, fellow LBS'ers, and Happy Holidays!

I woke up yesterday, with my usual Christmas excitement.  I was smiling, happy to have made it this far in the $h!te show that has been 2020, and full of gratitude knowing that despite what this year has been, I would be spending it in good company with my mom and my brother.  When I look back to the year, I remember worrying about how horrible it would be at Christmas.  How I would be reminded of my situation, and be spending it without my W.   But yesterday, I was happy.  All those worries I had earlier in the year, did not surface.  It wasn't as painful as I thought it would be.   The lesson here is, you cant worry about the future because you dont know if the future actually holds what you think it will.  If you would have told me 6 months ago that I would have actually enjoyed Christmas, I would have told ya youre crazy.

It was nice - I had moments of sadness, but they didn't consume me the entire day.   There were two moments where I silently had some tears in my eyes, about not seeing or hearing from W on that day.   I sat with it, felt it, shared what I was feeling in that moment, with my family, and moved on.

And then I remembered the good that comes with not having my MLC'er around.   Last year, we had a huge fight on Christmas morning.   Last year, she just wasn't into Christmas.   Her shopping was left to the last minute, she was ambivalent to the holiday, she didn't share her usual excitement.   It was clear that it was a chore for her.  But thats the anger stage, and a month before BD.  SO why would she want to celebrate Christmas when she was secretly plotting her atomic bomb drop exit?

As I was cooking yesterday, I was reminded of the same argument we would have yearly.   We would boil the giblets from the turkey, for the animals to eat (I always give the dog and cat a Christmas plate of turkey, potato, corn).  She would always want to "season" the giblets, and that would include onions, or onion powder.   Well, onion is toxic to animals and she would argue that only a little bit would be fine, but the meat needs flavour!   Ya, they are animals, they dont care for seasoning, thanks.    So yesterday, I was able to cook the giblets and neck, in just water.   JUST WATER.  And it felt nice to be able to make it without the hassle of her nagging LOL

Christmas Eve was spent with friends, on google meet chat.   We all got quite toasty and had a few laughs, it was a great distraction for the eve of a holiday.   Tonight, I have a chat booked with my queer friends (we always call our get togethers "Queers and Beers"), and so  have that to look forward to.  Making the best out of this pandemic, and isolation.

I did not hear from W yesterday and to be honest, at times it did sting and brought me some sadness.   Sadness that after almost 10 years together, we are now strangers.   Sadness that she wouldn't have even found the time in her day to send a simple "Merry Christmas".   Maybe she didn't want to ruin my day, maybe shes back at the "I hate LBS_LES stage", maybe she spent the day with a partner and that just makes it easier to not reach out.   Either way, it did sting, but I believe that I manifested this silence as I have said that I dont want to hear from her.   Maybe I should test this manifestation theory out and manifest that she reaches out in the next few days to wish me a happy holiday, you know, for science  8)

But as this year rounds itself out, I realized last night, that I finally have almost hit "the year of firsts", and there won't be milestones to dread.   As I approach one year of BD, there will no longer be that first valentines apart, first anniversary apart, birthday, Christmas, New Years, etc.   My ride is almost over.

And that leaves the road of possibilities, wide open.

I hope you were all able to enjoy the holiday season, despite the difficulty of it all.   I hope for those of you new or still struggling, you were able to enjoy the moments you were able to have this holiday season, without your MLCer.
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#55: December 26, 2020, 09:43:10 AM
What a great update, LL! So happy you were able to enjoy the day and not be caught up too much in the MLCer. Particularly given that last Christmas was a difficult one. Really lovely that you had and have some remote gatherings with friends planned.

Congratulations on approaching the end of that first year. The milestones are challenges, maybe more in our anticipation of them than in the actual milestones themselves. Having made it through a year soon, you won’t have that same level of dread that comes the first time you approach a significant date. That must feel like a huge relief.
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#56: December 28, 2020, 06:02:24 AM
Your almost on the home straight LbS. Once these firsts are over with your fine and dandy, so to speak. I mean things can and will still sting because that’s life.  But the first always stings more than the second and second more than the third etc. I remember at BD I physically struggled to sleep without clington in bed with me. And yet last night I was out like a light and slept like a log.

I’m so glad you had a lovely Christmas with family and friends.
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#57: December 28, 2020, 06:13:49 AM
LL, I loved reading this:

I woke up yesterday, with my usual Christmas excitement.  I was smiling... If you would have told me 6 months ago that I would have actually enjoyed Christmas, I would have told ya youre crazy.

But as this year rounds itself out, I realized last night, that I finally have almost hit "the year of firsts", and there won't be milestones to dread.   As I approach one year of BD, there will no longer be that first valentines apart, first anniversary apart, birthday, Christmas, New Years, etc.   My ride is almost over.

And that leaves the road of possibilities, wide open.


Great message, and a good thing to always keep in your mind as life continues to happen - even when other things inevitably come along to throw wrenches in your plans (because that's life, right?), it's clear you have ability to work through anything.
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#58: January 04, 2021, 02:47:48 PM
Happy New Year LBS Fam!

Thanks Nas, Sacha and Curiosity for replying.   While I dont always reply, please know I do appreciate the time y'all take to respond, and I read them with great thought.   Sometimes, Im just not in a place to respond.

What a rough week.  My god.  I kept meaning to get on here and journal, but the thought of doing so felt so daunting (see above LOL)

Christmas was good as I previously posted.   After Christmas, the first few days were still decent.   I had met remotely with friends on Boxing Day, and then the day after, against all lockdown orders, I went over to visit Friend, who I have posted about before.   We had some drinks, watched a movie, and even cuddled!  I did end up spending the night (not intimately), and woke up at 5am and since I couldn't get back to sleep, I figured I was sober enough to drive home.  It was nice laying with someone and having them stroke my hair and rub my back, while I curled into them.   Physical touch is definitely my receiving LL, so I did cherish the moment as touch is something I have most definitely missed during the pandemic.

My 10 year anniversary came and went with silence from my W.  To be honest, it stung.  Did she not reach out because I didn't reach out at Christmas time?  Are we in some sort of NC stand off?   Does she even know (or did she know) what day it was?  I tried to chalk it up that this anniversary is part of my past and isn't to be celebrated anymore, but it stung to not even get a belated Xmas message on this day, if even to just open the door to wish me well.

NYE came and I had a couple of facetime calls with different circles of friends.   I rang in the new year, kept on with my friends and then logged off around 1am.   And then I cried.   Realizing that 2021 is here, that my W is still vanished, that we have moved into being strangers.  So, I had a good cry and then went to bed.

January 1 was hard as well.   Still not a word from my W.   No belated NY wishes, nothing.   The lines have been drawn.

Friend messaged me at 2am to see if I was still up - booty call after the other nights cuddle session? LOL.   So I messaged her back the next day, she asked what I was going to be doing for the day, and I told her that it was a bit of an emotional one for me, so I planned on laying on the couch watching movies or TV, eating Chinese food and crying at random moments in between.   And so I did.  And here we are.   Its the 4th day of a new year.  I realize that I still have a lot of hurt in my heart.   My abandonment wounds, while they have been tended to, are not healed, and abandonment can send me spiralling, to this day.  I am meeting my therapist on Wednesday, so I hope to unpack a lot of this with her.

S did message me Christmas morning, very early.   It was a nice surprise to wake up and see something from her.   Shes still hot and cold, and I think shes showing some semblance of approaching her mid life crisis.   Emotionally, I dont need to get attached to that, but if she wants me to be her "replay" friend, I may not object to that either, isn't MLC sex supposed to be wild? LOL   We also chatted throughout NYE and she messaged me right after midnight to wish me a Happy NYE.   Her actions and words never align, so while I appreciate the sentiment, I am not reading into her contact for special holidays.

Other than that, today was my first day back to work after a holiday.   Needless to say, I didn't do a damn thing (woke up early to sign on, went back to bed until around noon).   I have no idea how I will ever be expected to pretend to work, in an office location, ever again LOL

Good thing the pandemic is still raging, which means WFH will extend into God knows when.   And I am okay with that.   2021 will be a focus to use the money I am saving by staying home, to start denting some of the credit mess my W left behind (my credit is good, but my balances need some tending to).

Hope everyone is staying safe.   Some pretty crazy times out there, but I won't let the start of 2021 drive what I think the year will look like.

After all, 2020 showed us that anything and everything is possible.   And here we are, trying to survive and thrive in all the rubble.


Oh and edit:   I seem to have a fear of running out of time, that seemingly has entered my mind.   I had an injury from the summer that only recently healed, so I am back to being able to do intense at home work outs, which feels great.   But I have been having feelings of "10 years with my ex flew by so fast, how fast will the next 10 come, and will I even survive til then?"

Anyone else struggle with these thoughts after BD? 
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« Last Edit: January 04, 2021, 02:51:00 PM by LBS_Les »
Me (W) 44 - W 42
BD - Jan 17, 2020

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#59: January 04, 2021, 03:15:38 PM
LL, sorry to hear that the holidays have been challenging, though it’s good that you are seeing your therapist to work through some of it. But I think you’re right on the money... those abandonment wounds get torn open pretty easily this time of year. Maybe always to some extent, but especially when the wound is fairly new or if you have had multiple wounds.

I am glad you have friends for remote socializing as well as at least some people you can see in person. As for S and being the “replay friend,” well... I can’t speak from experience about how wild they are in MLC, but given how selfish they are in all other areas, I wouldn’t necessarily expect much different there. But as long as you know the situation for what it is, you do whatever seems like it would be good for your journey.

Glad to see you back and updating. This is a hard time of year and it’s been a hard year in general, so getting through all of that is definitely worth commemoration.
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