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Our Community / Not new, but still learning about this!
« Latest by Biscuit on Today at 04:36:49 PM »
Hi all,

It's been a month or so since I posted on my thread so I thought I would do a bit of journalling.

I've taken on a big project at work, which has been both great as it's kept me really busy and focussed on something far removed from family or domestic situations but also very stressful. The stress came to a head earlier this week. I think it's actually a culmination of all the personal stress from BD, and the trauma associated with that as well as trying to navigate everything with W and family. Added into the mix is this really high pressured project at work with a delivery schedule of about a quarter of what would be considered normal.
Well, I thought I was coping kind of OK, but I had some chest pains in the night last weekend which woke me - I went straight to accident and emergency as you don't muck about with that sort of thing in my view. They ran some tests and discharged me a few hours later confident that it wasn't anything too sinister.  On Tuesday morning I finished leading a meeting, and as I wrapped it up I felt incredibly dizzy - like I was going to faint. I went outside and one of the production staff walked by and said he thought I looked quite unwell and called the medic. (luckily I woke in an industry that has a trained nurse / medic on site around the clock). The medic took my BP and heart rate, and took a good look at me and said he was sending me straight to hospital for more checks.
After many tests (blood, ECG, Xray etc) the hospital said they were confident I wasn't having a cardiac episode or or stroke and again discharged me but have requested that I get more tests done. The lovely doctor that saw me asked about stress at home and at work and said he thought that I was presenting classic signs of stress.

I'm back at work but have got my team to get me some additional help so not all the pressure of the job is on my shoulders. Obviously the stress of the last 2 years has kind of caught up with me a bit this last week. I'm pretty sure I've handled jobs as stressful as this before BD, but maybe it's all just got to me a bit.

Home life has been kind of OK, Even before the hospital stuff I asked W for a bit more help with the kids and she's stepped up in a major way - basically being really supportive and doing the lions share of the childcare.

We are continuing in our reconnection, we talk often about the kids and our company and combined finances. We also chat about other stuff, send each other photos, and share some of what we are doing. None of it is particularly deep really. It does feel like she is opening up more and gradually sharing more of what is going on in her life. We had a big chat a few weeks back and I told her that I wanted to continue to try and build back the bridges that had been burned down at BD and try and restore our friendship and see how it goes. She said, "what, do you mean, reconciliation?"   I said yes, I'd like us to get to that point in the future. She said she didn't want to give me false hope and that she needed space and wasn't sure about all of that. I just told her I was happy to try and mend our broken friendship and take things naturally and slowly and see what happens, and she could have all the space she wanted. I expected a withdrawal after this conversation but none came really.
So we continue at a snails pace and I try to have zero expectations from her. It's a really tough balancing act because you see positive signs and think, yeah, they are coming out of it and it's all going to be fine - but it's not like that at all - it's baby steps and expectation and going too fast definitely scare her off and often set things back a bit.

I'm hoping getting some help at work will redress some of the balance I'd achieved recently in my life, because for the last month or so it's been work, sleep repeat!


Our Community / What am I dealing with here?
« Latest by xyzcf on Today at 02:16:37 PM »
My husband's leaving our marriage was totally his decision, not mine. I continue to have the same beliefs I always have had concerning the permanency of marriage, his divorce did not change that.

There are financial considerations and initially we had a legal separation to divide our assets.

My parish priest told me to obtain a legal separation to protect myself financially and then said to get divorced and then see him to get an there was no support from the church concerning standing....

Regardless of what the church told me, when I read scripture, it supported the beliefs that I have always had..

For many, a divorce frees people to find another partner and the church, by granting annulments quite easily, absolve us of any guilt.

It's very rare for anyone in our society to have the beliefs that I was taught as a child, that I continue to have to this day. I even went on a pilgrimage to Medjugorie with devout Catholics who felt they needed to convince me that I should find another person to love.

In my heart and to this day, it all felt wrong to me and in the end, it's really between God and I.

The only place I found support for standing for my marriage was on the Rejoice Ministries site and from another dear friend from HS who shares in my beliefs.

The pressure to divorce is intense. It's very much accepted in our world, sadly.

I read your post Hopeful, I hope you will find peace in whatever decision you make.
Our Community / What am I dealing with here?
« Latest by Hopeful5 on Today at 01:45:58 PM »

All one can do is change one’s own lens on it, and therefore one’s own responses to how it is.

There's a lot to think about here. My lens is changing, albeit slowly.  My priest / spiritual advisor lifted a weight off of my shoulders by saying, "Its not a question of whether or not the decision to D is RIGHT or WRONG, its about how you choose to go through it that matters. Either way, approach the situation with sincere humility, forgiveness & prayer and you'll have a clear conscience & God's blessing on whatever you do."  This was huge for me, as I've been stuck on the issue of right vs wrong.  And yes, my marriage commitment was a serious one that I never, ever intended to break. D has always been a gigantic whopper of a spiritual failure in my mind, and to have my lens changed in regards to this is HUGE.  I do realize that I'm not the one who took a flamethrower (as you so well put it) to our marriage and burnt it to the ground.  At this point, a D would just be a formal acknowledgement of what IS, and moving on from there.

Yes the issue with the kids is huge. I've always told them that I don't believe in D, that I believe that marriage is unto death, and that I have no intention to D. I know they're counting on me to "stand strong", and I feel that if I initiate a D, all of their trust in me will be shattered.  I think they're hoping that eventually things will change.

They've sort of settled into this crappy emotional swamp we're all living in. They seem to have a false sense of security since we're not talking or arguing anymore.  But, at some point, a D will be happening (via her or me), unless there's real change on her end.  There's a lot to weigh out in regards to living in the same household vs D. Financially, emotionally, quality of life, etc..  It will upend a lot of what they know - The property we live on, our living custody arrangements, very possibly homeschool as my W will NEED to get a job regardless of spousal support. That's a lot for a kid to stomach at once.   

I so don't want to be the one to initiate this. But, the only positive that I can see coming out of me initiating a D, is them seeing me stand up for what's right and no longer accept this as an acceptable way to live and treat someone.

Yes I have consulted a lawyer. It was just a short 1.5 hr consultation to get his initial take on things. I'm not ready to plop down the whole retainer yet as everything is in standstill. But given our financial situation, I may need to take the additional step.

I would also highlight that divorce is definitely not a fix-all solution. You just swap some old issues to all new issues, and still get to keep many of the old ones. For example refusing to communicate or engage in meaningful conversations about the kids is in my list too, and I'm divorced and years ahead of you. The fact you share a family with kids (and in the future grandchildren) means that for many issues "getting out fully" is just not an realistic option.

Possibly the best advice I can give is focus even more tightly on you:  your wellbeing and improving things you control directly. Instead of big and fast changes (like hoping all the abuse to stop now), go slow and smaller scale.  As sad as it is, most of the problems the average LBS with kids gets require years and years of gradual progress to turn $h!tee into gold.

Yes, I'm seeing this as a reality also. I'm realizing that her behavior will most likely be a thorn in my flesh for many, many years, regardless of a D.

Right now we are in a very scary financial position, and she's not helping at all. It's all been put on me to figure out without her communication on anything.

The best thing I can do for ME and my kids right now is streamline our business so it runs almost entirely without me (which is possible), and get a job, which I've been working on for quite awhile now.  Then the financial issues will become much more healthy, and I can start to build a life thats independent from her. 

I am beginning to work towards total detachment and building a life of my own. Spiritually I've changed course, in a way that's much more aligned to my true beliefs and values. This has been the most meaningful spiritual decision of my life by far. In terms of work/career, I'm workin on it, but thats a tough one as my entire career was in partnership with her. And my previous experience as a "founder / business owner", doesn't translate well into the job market.  Also, crawling out from the heap of rubble in my soul caused by all the emotional abuse and turmoil is no easy task, and makes mustering up the confidence and everything else needed to hunt for and get a job much more challenging.  But, we're getting there, step-by-step.

As Xyzcf and Help said, this absence of empathy is both bewildering and seemingly the essence of MLC. And it’s awful.

You wrote that you said “But every minute of this right now is painful to me. And you need to know that”
Perhaps it is closer to the truth that you needed to say it.
Or that you hoped hearing you say it would provoke some kindness or concern.
But it didn’t, did it?
How he actually responded is that he finds your distress irritating.
Let that sink in for a moment.
What does that tell you about the kind of person you are dealing with right now?

That’s an awfully painful thing to experience, and to observe in another human being. A bit chilling actually, verging on sociopathic. And quite common in our collective experience of MLC, as is the rewriting of shared history. Bc that is how they make their actions feel ok to themselves….they tell themselves a story to justify it and they disssociate emotionally.
But I am so sorry you experienced that.

But the only thing in your control is your expectations of something different. And those aftershocks when your expectations are once again disappointed. I remember a stage when for months I would keep repeating to myself ‘N does not care’. Almost as if I had to drum it into my own brain through repetition. Bc it was the consistent observable reality, no matter how inconceivable and horrifying I found it to be. Until, finally, I got it. And that changed what I expected, what I cared about and what I invested energy in. It was like finding metaphorical zombies on my lawn…my inability to believe in zombies did not change the reality of those zombies trampling the flower beds of my life lol.

So, the real issue for you becomes how do you change your expectations of him to fit with current observable reality. And what would you do differently, if anything, once you did? You might even want to lock in that moment when he mumbled yeah, it’s irritating as a little tempering snapshot every time you are tempted to see him through your old wifely lens or twist yourself into an awkward pretzel in order to be ‘kind’ or ‘fair’. I’m not saying be an equally sociopathic asshat….but I am saying to use it to remind yourself to expect nothing better from him. If that changes consistently over time, well you’ll know. But until/unless it does, you are dealing with someone who finds your pain and any distress caused to your children nothing more than an irritating inconvenience. And the only way to protect yourself from that is to stop throwing pearls before swine. And build a metaphorical moat.

Reality, as we all know here, can be a profoundly painful thing to look at with a clear eye. It takes real courage imho. But it is also a gift bc it innoculates us from further manipulation and we can only build something better on the ground of what is real today.

But I am very, very sorry that you had to witness something so unfair, unkind and indecent.
I don’t think there is any point trying to set the record straight. I have learned in the last two years just how complex a beast truth is and how important good will is. How you feel about something changes how you look at it.

And I have learned there is nothing rational going on. Emotion is driving everything and the story that is being told justifies the behaviour. There is nothing you can do and arguing the toss just cause further entrenchment.

The hardest part for me has been accepting this person who loved me so much does not care for me at all. I have got to the point where I will only communicate through lawyers and I was baselessly accused of threatening her. I did not threaten her but simply said I wanted equal time with our children and that sadly I would have to get it from a judge given her refusal.

There is no accountability. None. There is just self justification and vilification of the LBS. It is how the behaviour is justified.

Understanding it does not make it easier. You will fight for years until after time, like me, you will realise there is nothing you can do with the MLCer.

And then you will realise you can do something. Make good decisions for yourself. Love your kids. Heal. It is hard but it is enough.

And you will hope it will be quicker and think that it can’t take as long as the forum says. And sadly, like me you will realise the forum is right.

But you will be a better version of yourself. Like me, you will be you but different.

But is hard and awful. And you never expected to be here.
No matter what went down in his weakened brain. I will NEVER understand how someone who loved me - can look into the face of the pain he has caused, is causing - and just shrug it off and take no ownership.. And it’s not just me, he’s shrugging off our kids too.

It may sound too simplistic but the bottom line is he is in some kind of "crisis" and his actions are not unlike hundreds of others who have written about the strangeness. Trying to understand "why" they are doing what they do is as Ursa speaks often about is like trying to taste the color green.

“I have not cried or begged you to stay, I have not tried to talk you out of this or brought up all the ways this will damage our kids, not one time. I even said if you want to go, then go. But every minute of this right now is painful to me. And you need to know that”

They do not feel, they do not have empathy. Many have expressed that they had to leave or they would die. It's that real to them.

One thing that helped me to accept this was how they distance themselves from their is not just us...they turn away from the life they once had because it is not what they want anymore.

We are collateral damage, they won't see our point of view and we don't see theirs.

Letting go seems to be the only way that we can find peace. Some let go completely, others can maintain some sort of relationship and some of the LBSers are in the middle.

Something said a long time ago on Heros Spouse is that the LBSer ultimately gets to be the one to decide.

I am sorry...but his behavior is similar to what we call "MLC" sucks and there isn't anything we can do about it.
TLDR: How do you all handle them re-writing the narrative, and repeating back to you things that are completely untrue about yourself and what you wanted from them? In my case my H says I wanted him to be here as a 'house husband' and under my thumb - this is provably false (i set up job intvs for him, built a website, promoted his work on social etc). He was not immediately successful and gave up and therefore stayed home. I find it v frustrating. Is it worth trying to set the record straight at all? We are almost definitely divorcing but I do NOT like the idea of a total lie being my legacy.

He's here with me and what’s so hard right now is to see him with our family, to interact with him daily and work as a team, to share a knowing glance about something our child said or laugh together at our son or work together to get dinner out  etc etc all the while knowing he’s telling someone else "I love you" every day - thinking about a new life with her, NOT interested in saving anything - It’s feels like pure rejection! I mean, it is.

About that part, today I spoke up and admitted to him how hard this is for me.

Big Mistake!

He said “you bring this up all the time! “ Not true - last push was last Saturday and it wasn’t even a push I asked him to stop being snarky.

He told me “I am not calling 'her' in the house like you asked, and I don’t text her in front of you.“ Basically like stop complaining then.

I said how the whole thing is disrespectful to me - we are MARRIED - and I felt discarded and how having it in my face like this playing happy families knowing he is openly in another relationship is really painful. I said "I looked at the kids during our Mother’s Day BBQ - just the four of us- and my heart hurts that I can’t save this family for them."  My voice broke, he just looked annoyed.

He made some derogatory grunt and I said “I have not cried or begged you to stay, I have not tried to talk you out of this or brought up all the ways this will damage our kids, not one time. I even said if you want to go, then go. But every minute of this right now is painful to me. And you need to know that”

He said “I've been here 32 days and maybe I've not been a great husband but I've been a great dad. I've been giving 100 percent to them. But I’ve changed. I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to be a househusband!”

When he said I don’t want this - he referenced the stay at home dad - but I would argue he was actually saying I don’t want to be a husband or real dad. Full stop.

As I walked away I said I won’t bring this up anymore as it gets me no where, and he just mumbled, yeah it’s irritating.

No matter what went down in his weakened brain. I will NEVER understand how someone who loved me - can look into the face of the pain he has caused, is causing - and just shrug it off and take no ownership.. And it’s not just me, he’s shrugging off our kids too. All the hugging and playfulness and affection he’s shown them these past few weeks  --it’s like they got their dad back again  - apparently he’s just banking it so he can leave with less guilt. His detachment is scary and the way he can seem loving to us all - but has clearly just got one eye on the exit - is jarring to say the least.

Altho the conversation today was hard I am glad it happened bc I was getting pulled into thinking that he was wavering or that he was conflicted like he was back in Feb when he was here - and that he was feeling the gravitational pull towards us- our family. I didn't think it would change our outcome necessarily but I thought i was having an effect. And it was like a rush of cold water in my face. He’s just biding his time til he can get away from us (mainly me, but us).
UrsaMajor, Reinventing, Treasure-

The trust is not there - that is for certain. It might be in part because I haven't really spent enough time with Xh to believe there is any reason to believe it is possible. I drew my boundaries and that is okay - it has taken me a very long time to realize it is in fact okay to draw those for myself.

It is in part why there is not a "one size fits all" response when it comes to being the LBS. There are similarities in behaviors but then there are the variables amongst the MLCers and the LBS. We come into it with our own abilities to cope or with our own issues, etc. I had an MLCer who became a monster and while I didn't fear he would lash out physically, his words cut and his ability to gaslight was awful. His treatment of the kids has proven this was never just about the marriage.

While his monster seems to have retreated and I probably would be better able to cope with it if it appeared now, I don't want that in my life. And the monster was not always some horror story monster that appeared. Some of the worst monster moments came in the form of horrible stories spread and lies. It came in the way he no longer cared about anyone he once loved. He was out to destroy. That was worse than any yelling or screaming. Those moments left surface wounds, but the other moments cut way deeper.

It is hard to say if I would have hung in there longer if he had been a wallower or one that never left. I don't know how I would be now if he had been a vanisher. I used to believe that would have been easier, but in some ways, having seen the continued behaviors maybe helped me heal.

IDK if he will come out of it. I took my time and the longer it has dragged on, the more I wanted distance from the situation. It doesn't mean I don't have compassion, but it is also difficult to have the same compassion for the man he is now. He isn't the man I knew or was with - that person no longer seems to exist. If he reappears, I am not sure how I will feel. I do know I have moved on.

It comes back to that irrational fear. By the way, this is not same fear that requires the moat surrounding my house that I once wanted. It is just that I am really very happy with the way life is going. I have this desire to protect what I have and Xh blew up the happiness in the household with his crisis. Yes, there were problems here and there, but nothing insurmountable at the time if the crisis hadn't been part of the equation. At least from my perspective and others that were around at the time. Of course, that is not from Xh's perspective. Hard to say whether or not he felt that way. My guess would be that the desire to run really was crisis driven. Him driving by the house last week would suggest he hasn't really been able to let go completely, even if it is sheer curiosity.

I think it bothers me and upsets me because every time I have any knowledge of Xh or there are those encounters, it makes MLC still pop up, when I am trying to push it back in the past. I realize I will probably never be able to fully bury the MLC time period. The trick is to remind myself it no longer impacts me the same way. I wasn't rattled by his drive by. I shook my head when I realized it was him. It was a blip. What stayed with me longer was knowing how I protective I suddenly felt of my new relationship. If I mess it up or something else does that is one thing, but the MLCer does not get to disrupt my life the way he did before.

That was last week though. This week has been just a whirlwind of activities. This morning I woke up and looked at my calendar  and paused. Up until today, both my physical calendar and the calendar on my computer were a sea of different colors, indicating different color coded meetings, etc. Today, it has only one thing on it and that is for the college gallery noting who is the attendant for the day - since I am responsible for scheduling at the moment. I have things I should do and can do, but I have no place I have to be for the day.

It is a breather for me before the next couple of weeks. Next week will start off with a tiny bit of insanity in terms of more meetings and appointments, but then I will be getting away for several days. When I return, D is going away for a mini vacation and then she will be packing and preparing to move in.

S is housesitting for SIL again, but he has not been there every night. He has been here on and off. I had called to ask him a question on my way home and I heard a dog in the background. I wasn't sure if he was at our house or what. He was at Xh's, who decided since S was in the area, he would be out late and S was checking on the dog for him. Whatever - LOL. S asked me if D had any more news about college. I had just heard from D and they finally sent her move in time and date. When I shared it with S, he paused and asked wasn't that Xh's and my former anniversary. It is and we both laughed. Oh sure it is perhaps a coincidence, but there is a certain feeling of the universe having a bit of a sense of humor. A few years ago, that would have gutted me. Now, I wonder if it is a new memory to replace that date for me.

D will move in and my guess is, Xh will stay hiding from her. I will help D move in, like I did with both kids throughout their college experiences. I suspect this time, D's BF will come along and help or possibly S. The difference this time is D is better able to handle the dynamic with Xh. She no longer expects anything from him.
Our Community / What am I dealing with here?
« Latest by AlvinTheMaker on Today at 01:37:42 AM »
She's changed and most likely will never return to the sweet, loving W that I was married to for 23 years.

Never is such a strong word. But I would say that 4-8 year timeline of current behaviour is very probable. You can only imagine how much inner energy all that abusive behaviour consumes, and what happens when it all eventually burns out.

I would also highlight that divorce is definitely not a fix-all solution. You just swap some old issues to all new issues, and still get to keep many of the old ones. For example refusing to communicate or engage in meaningful conversations about the kids is in my list too, and I'm divorced and years ahead of you. The fact you share a family with kids (and in the future grandchildren) means that for many issues "getting out fully" is just not an realistic option.

Possibly the best advice I can give is focus even more tightly on you:  your wellbeing and improving things you control directly. Instead of big and fast changes (like hoping all the abuse to stop now), go slow and smaller scale.  As sad as it is, most of the problems the average LBS with kids gets require years and years of gradual progress to turn $h!tee into gold.

Our Community / What am I dealing with here?
« Latest by Treasur on Today at 01:18:12 AM »
I think you mentioned that you had consulted a lawyer, Hopeful? What did they suggest you can it should do given the situation as it is?

Bc right now it sounds as if you are waiting for another hammer to drop while you and your kids are living in a kind of war of emotional attrition. And yes, it is abuse and yes, it does feel like putting your head in a blender. Sadly, many of us know all too well what that feels like and I am so sorry.

Tbh it most likely changes when you reach a point when you decide to change your current circumstances. And that’s a hard pill to swallow bc changing our circumstances usually involves actions that we never imagined we would choose to take, thinking differently about how we see what we are dealing with that really challenge some of our deepest held beliefs and a plate full of more losses and changes. Plus tbh we humans have an extraordinary ability sometimes to sit in slowly boiling water for so long that it starts to feel normal. I suspect we often don’t quite get how not normal it is until we much later find ourselves on dry land.

The fact that you are now seeing how abusive and plain horrendous her behaviour is, and the real effects of it on you and your kids, is a big step. An awful one, but an important one. That you now have months/years of data that her behaviour is simply not influenced by what you, the kids, or anyone else, says or does. That her reality is simply not your reality, and there is nothing you can do to change that. But I think it is also true that when one sees a situation through a changed lens, things change inside us and we feel ready and able to make different choices ourselves.

All one can do is change one’s own lens on it, and therefore one’s own responses to how it is. Hopefully, your very wise IC is helping you adjust and adapt.

One of your lens seems to be about not moving forward legally bc of a fear about how your kids will judge you? Another seems to be your attitude towards ‘suffering’ as an aspect of commitment. Maybe it’s as simple as you don’t want to be the kind of man who turns his back on those he loves and promised to walk beside? Idk. Will you feel absolved in some way if she is the one who finally pulls the plug? How much worse would things have to get for you to choose to do so? We all know that these are big questions, questions of self and values and perhaps faith; they are not easy and there is no ‘right’ answer that fits all.

But I would humbly suggest that what you DO know is that the current situation is damaging you and your kids profoundly, and that it does not seem to be getting better, and it does not even seem to be making your wife stable and happy either.

What I can see from your previous posts is that your past life was built on a lot of We. A shared business as well as shared finances, homeschooling your kids, a house on a big plot of land doubtless requiring effort to maintain and run from both of you. I find myself wondering how much of Other there is in your life and your kids’ lives….things and people that are not dependent on the We. And your wife has taken a flamethrower to the We, hasn’t she? Fwiw, I would encourage you and your kids to reframe a new We, and one that involves more Other. If only bc the old We is no longer a safe and sustaining place.

On a practical level - and I’m so sorry - that’s a whole lot of We to unpick and unravel. Which is why imho you need legal advice on how you might do that without exposing yourself to more legal or financial damage unnecessarily. For example, if it were legally ok, I would start by removing as much dependence on the actions of your wife as you can. Therefore informing her rather than trying to consult with someone who won’t talk to you. Consider ending homeschooling. Remove her from all joint cards and accounts and from any authority over the business. Give her a small personal allowance, but remove her from buying groceries, meal planning, all the practicalities of We life. Let her do as she pleases with that small allowance, inform her that this is the new transitional arrangement until or unless she is ready to talk to you directly or propose via a lawyer a way of unpicking all these previously shared things as part of her plan to live without you. Likely she won’t much like it….but you and your kids do have the right to reclaim some control back over your own lives, truly you do. Bc right now, you are all slightly being held hostage, aren’t you? But all this practical stuff is a bit of a legal minefield so you do need legal guidance.

And again jmo, taking these kinds of steps is based on getting to a different lens on how things currently are. I suspect you may be reaching something close to that, we all tend to know when we do. It’s awful, and it isn’t your fault, but right now you have a wife who seems to want a life without you, a deeply unhappy woman who is blaming you for a whole host of things beyond your control. And who is dealing with those feelings with silence, rage and emotional abuse. And who feels ok enough about that as a way of dealing with how she feels to keep doing it. It isn’t fair and it isn’t your fault and you don’t have to be mean to her, but what if you accepted that your wife simply no longer wants to be part of the old We, that she believes - rightly or wrongly, time will tell - that she wants something different?

What if you just decided to open your hand and let her go, Hopeful? While you and your kids reclaim and rebuild a different kind of life? I am really not saying that any of this is easy, or that your brain hasn’t jumped to a whole list of ‘what if’  fears….thats normal and not unreasonable. But what if you also accepted that the current approach is not really working well for any of you? What might ‘slightly better than this’ mean for you?

Unpicking the old We - and it will probably feel like unravelling the strands of a thick rope - is not an easy or pain free thing. Practically, it may require divorce, it may not. It probably will require separating your living arrangements, work lives and finances. And the law varies depending on where you live. But if you started with two operating assumptions….that your wife does not want to be part of the old We, and that you and your kids no longer want to live under a hammer walking on eggshells of uncertainty….. what do you now feel ready to do about creating something different?

Things may change in your wife’s perspective and behaviour; that’s the nature of life. And you can choose to keep a mental and emotional door open to the positive aspects of that if you wish. But right now it is as it is, and it has been that way for quite a while now, maybe it feels like it’s getting worse, idk, and  the future is unknown, so imho all one can do is make choices that reduce the damaging effects where possible and start to take steps towards a different kind of new normal.

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The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (, and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.