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Our Community / Re: Just Getting Started in this Journey 2
« Latest by Baxter1 on Today at 03:26:52 PM »

Thanks for the feedback, the biggest and only fear I have is D. If she decides to go down that road
We lose the house. This is what keeps me up at night. the  kids are older but it will still definitely cause issues. The only silver lining is that she will also lose the house so it would be destructive for her to go for the D. She has always been the best mom and she realizes that taking the kids out of their home would not be in anyone’s interest. I’m not putting much faith into the MC but I am thinking that her core person will have enough control to have her not go all the way. If she moves out that would be horrible but at least the boys and I will still have the home and we can be the lighthouse.

Thanks again!
Our Community / Re: My journey post D
« Latest by forthetrees on Today at 03:14:26 PM »
Hats off to you! You have come SOOOOOO far in your healing journey. Puts a smile on my face.
Our Community / Help please 4
« Latest by Helpnewc on Today at 03:07:52 PM »
And back to pretending nothing and weirdness.

The avoidance of consequences is really big part of this.
Our Community / My journey post D
« Latest by Dragonfly33 on Today at 01:43:50 PM »
Hi everyone, It's been a month I haven't updated here. There's really not much going on in my life right now except work, family and friends. As for that guy I was dating, I just got ghosted from one day to the other. He was someone who would constantly text me even during his work time to somebody who just totally disappeared. Well, the dating world now is totally different from what I used to know. I feel like people just want casual things which for me is really unimaginable. Before BD I would have thought there was something wrong with me and would start running after these guys. But now, I just let them go. It was still a nice experience though but not worth the chase. My friend told me, I was using this guy to forget about my ex or to do a revenge. And she thought I was so desperate to have a relationship. I don't think I am desperate to have a relationship. Just because I don't want to play this casual/situationship $h!te nowadays, doesn't mean I am desperate to have a serious relationship. Yes I would like to be in a serious relationship and not play around with different men.  some of you here are very lucky to find a decent partner. With what I experienced, I think it's almost impossible. People treat people nowadays as commodities

As for my MLC front, I had to contact my H this weekend due to some property we have. He just needs to sign a legal document and it's been quite a pain since the land is in my home country and where I live now, the rules are different.. Fortunately, my ex has been cooperative and I hope this will be settled soon so I don't have to contact him anymore. No idead what is going on in his life at the moment, haven't checked his insta anymore. The time will really come when you're not bothered anymore what your ex is doing or who he is with. I cannot believe I would be in a place like this. Today, after texting back and forth regarding this legal document, I told him I hope he was ok. He answered me he was recovering but didn't mention from what. So I thought it was from another accident, but he said from covid and sinusitis. So told him to get well soon and that was it.  He never asked me how I was. So it's still all about him anyway. As for me, I don't have that hate feeling towards him anymore. I also cannot say I don't love him anymore. It's like somewhere in the middle. I cannot believe that it's only less than a year since we got divorced. It feels like a long time now.

I've read so many of the newbies here. And I am really sorry that you have to experience this. I was once in your shoes, confused, afraid to make a bad move because you don't want to push your spouse even further. I read so many books, tried to be patient, got hurt so many times. I cried for two years straight almost every day. I was so scared to lose my then H. But you really have no control of your spouse. You only have control of yourself and whatever you do, it doesn't influence the outcome of your MLC spouse. You can bend forward and backward, it doesn't have any effect. It took me maybe 3 years to fully understand that. At some point, you will get tired and you will let go. You learn to survive by yourself and you learn to build a life with yourself. I do not wish this to anybody not even to my worst enemy. It's a very painful journey but if I survived it, you will as well like all the veterans here. You have to go through this to get to the other side. Some were able to reconcile and some didn't. But it's ok you don't. I would choose to be this way again rather than being with that spouse who had no more respect for me. In the end, I learned to save myself first. Eventhough I didn't reconcile with my ex, I consider my story a success story, because I learned to be independent again, to trust myself again, to manage life by myself again after being in a highly codependent relationship. I learned so many things in life, that I thought I could never do. I made new friends and I am still continuing to grow. And I think that's the most important thing.
Our Community / Just Getting Started in this Journey 2
« Latest by AlvinTheMaker on Today at 01:17:33 PM »
WHY speaks very wise words....

If I could give the past version of myself an advice, it would be not dropping the rope, but dropping the fears. IMHO fear gives MLCr all the power over LBS (and who knows, it may feed MLCr anxiety as well). Whether you overcome fears by faith (like Standing Strong) or through psychology (like yours truly), matters really not. But it is key in taking control of your future life (regardless of MLCr behaviour).

I am not saying pondering consequences of MC, or what if MLCr moves away would be vain. On the contrary. IMHO it is a required step in you facing and overcoming your fears, Bax.  And this too is something where a good MC can guide you safely.

My personal experience is that when you rip a man away from his home, family, heart, dreams and wealth you are not left with nothing as most likely fear. You are left with "purest" version of yourself. You were you before you had all, and you will be you after all is lost. If you have done "the work" on you, you can and will recreate even better life for yourself and your family regardless of what the MLCr does or does not do.

None of this is easy, nor pain free... but it is part of going from A to B in life.

Just my sample of one


Our Community / Just Getting Started in this Journey 2
« Latest by WHY on Today at 11:31:07 AM »
Bax your W is coming up to the 6 month past bomb drop mark right?  She still seems high energy to me.  Another 3-6 months you'll know for sure, but she doesnt seem like a couch potato "seething below the surface" type wallower to me.

RCR did a vid on this once.  The wallower LBSs wants a high energy MLCers cause their wallowers appear to get stuck in the tunnel for YEARS while their lives burn down and the LBS can no longer take the daily mental torture.  The high energy LBSs want wallowers because even though their high energy MLCers are moving faster through the tunnel, they're leaving a trail of carnage and destruction causing the LBS to suffer greatly.

There is no right answer here or easier path going forward.  Except that it doesnt matter and your game plan remains the same going forward.  Your actions remain the same either way. 

Detach.  GAL.  Drop the rope.  Move forward as if.  Please take heed to the "as if" part.  I should have done this sooner.     
Our Community / Re: Just Getting Started in this Journey 2
« Latest by Standing Strong on Today at 09:39:02 AM »
Has that been everyone’s experience?

Yup - for me at least.

Gotta burn out and slow down. I think the burning out is important, the ones who are just slow..... well.... less likely to wear themselves out.
That struggle and rebellion against themselves is needed.
Settling down with someone else? Sure it can happen, but can they really be happy wherever they are? Probably not. So does someone else really matter? They aren't the solution, and they're not the cause of the problem. Later on it's evident they are a big nothing-burger and almost always are discarded like a piece of garbage.

Our Community / Re: Just Getting Started in this Journey 2
« Latest by Baxter1 on Today at 07:59:39 AM »

Thanks for the tip, I’ll take a look. I’ve been reading the ShockSis pages and it’s been helpful.

So update on our situation:
Working on setting up MC, not too confident in the results but we shall see what comes of it. W seems to be slowing down a bit with the high energy stuff. She still stays out a night here and there( mostly weekends) but it seems to be less frequent. Not sure if this is because it’s fall and the fun summer stuff is winding down. I remember RCR and others here have mentioned that high energy replayers slow down then eventually just stay in a low energy angry state. Has that been everyone’s experience?
My fear is that she will eventually settle down, not in our home but with someone else.
We offer meals, king bed, WiFi, a pool and access to your own children. I would think that my offer would be an easy pick but with MLC I guess you never can tell.
« Latest by MadLuv on Today at 06:52:23 AM »
S66- So much good advice and feedback you are getting.

You know I am a hopeful person as I think most LBS are. Our characters love deeply and fight for our relationships. What really has helped me is to not give up hope for him and his recovery, but not focus on the recovery in terms of US, but for HIM. Until he works on himself what you had or can have ( as it would change) is not possible.

I think  we stay stuck in the loss of what we had and that is gone and it can never be repaired, PERIOD!! Anything that may come back together will be NEW. This allowed me to totally finally let go. Let him live his life. Hope he finds his way. It brought me to a place to realize I am so fortunate to be ME in this scenario. Doesn’t change having moments of sadness of what is lost, but it does allow you to realize you had no control of it then or now. Most of our pain comes from trying to still control the outcome. Which we have no control over, except in our own life.
« Latest by Schratz66 on Today at 06:36:15 AM »
Thank again you XY...your words always bring me comfort because we have a lot in common and it makes me feel less alone with these feelings.

Finally, after many many years, I "learned"...he does not want me in his life. Even with the contact that we have, he does not want me...and so I guess after many many times of "hoping" I walk away. There is still sadness, other old timers I have spoken to also say that they still are sad even those in other relationships..... it never completely goes away

That is one thing I keep reminding myself of, that he does not want me in his life...that it is his choice and I must accept that no matter how much sadness that brings me. Nothing I can do or say that would "fix" that and that is a hard pill to swallow for a 'Fixer'. It is still a daily battle not to reach out......but I know that all it would bring is more hurt, more confusion and more sadness.

I had done well to remove the focus off him but I guess certain triggers will always mother dealt with the trigger dates by getting drunk to the point of passing out and while I understand why she did, I do not want to follow her footsteps. My daughter does not deserve to carry my pain, so I need to find a way to carry my pain by myself without letting it destroy me.

I am hoping that one day I will get to the point that you are at, looking at others losing their spouses to illness as sort of similar grief. At this point I still look at those couples and my heart breaks for them and for my MLC that he has wasted so many years and is still not happy. 

I went for acupuncture for quite a while after BD.
May I ask if it helped you feel less traumatized ? My body is still in constant Fight or Flight mode and it is so exhausting......

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