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Great to have you back,SS....  and thanks for sharing.

« Latest by xyzcf on September 25, 2023, 06:30:01 AM »
And I do realize that I only get thrown off kilter due to my own issues of continuing to hope. Hope has always been a survival tactic I had to adopt in childhood when reality was just too grim to fathom and it is difficult to abandon such tactics no matter how counter productive they are in my adult life.

Perhaps it depends on what the "hope" is for or if it is possible to have hope and yet understand that the outcome might still not be the one you desired. I personally would not like to live with out hope, in many aspects of my life, especially as I am aging and dealing with some medical issues....I think hope can also be a positive thing because without it, the world becomes a very dismal place.

But I see how it can damage us, clinging too hard to the one and only outcome that we feel will alleviate all the pain, and make everything better. Letting go of the outcome, whatever that might be, accepting that this person is no longer the man you were married to, letting go of all expectations is how I survive, but always allowing for some hope.

Most likely this comes from my faith. Although I often question why God has not answered my prayers, my faith directs me in a couple of ways. To be kind to my husband (love one another as I have loved you)  that God is in charge, that I can trust God's plan for my life (that's a hard one since I would like to be in charge) and that nothing is impossible for God.

I have recently become aware of several friends whose husbands have been institutionalized with dementia, or have died from cancer. They have lost their husbands too....somehow, we all get to adjust to losing the person who was so very important to our life.

I also have a few friends whose husbands have become very unkind, and they are terribly hurt by spouses who treat them poorly....

Finally, after many many years, I "learned"..he does not want me in his life. Even with the contact that we have, he does not want me...and so I guess after many many times of "hoping" I walk away. There is still sadness, other old timers I have spoken to also say that they still are sad even those in other relationships..... it never completely goes away.

It does deserve a better ending....I watched my mother never recovering and it broke my heart for her and I have been fighting and trying to not let it destroy me, but if I am honest, a part of me will never recover from this, but I must not give up on life all together.

So, for today and right now, I am trying to stay in the present moment, not focusing on the past or the future.

I am sorry that your mother never "recovered" thing I wanted for my daughter was for her to know that I am ok...that this did not destroy me. I have a. busy and active life, she sees that and she is not "worried" about me the way she once was. She also sees this "different" father and his "weirdness". It's a lesson I have for her....that even with hardship, there is a way to recover, there is place for joy.

With the darker season approaching and me usually falling into deeper depression, I have made my first appointment with an acupuncturist to see if that in addition to therapy will help me find light.

I am presently getting acupuncture for a medical condition and I also find it very relaxing. I went for acupuncture for quite a while after BD. I hope it brings you some relief.

One reason I have stayed in Colorado is that there are more than 300 days of sunshine a year. Having lived most of my life in Canada, the gloominess did affect me, it affects my daughter as well as many other of my friends there. Unfortunately that is not an option for everyone but since I was sent back here and had a house here, I am glad most days that I stayed.....the downside is being so far away from my daughter.

Rambling a bit...just wanted you to know that you are not alone in feeling the way that you do. It's hard to share with others who don't understand why we can't just get over it. So share here, with people who totally understand why this is so very very hard.

Our Community / living is an opportunity
« Latest by FrenchHusband on September 25, 2023, 06:26:30 AM »
thank you very much Baxter1 and Helpnewc !
Yes I know this forum is here to support me and it is a big relief knowing you are here, thanks !

Today I want to share here the insights of another French LBS, he is part of a community of LBSs following a rare French "coach" talking about the midlife crisis. 5 years after BD he is finally accepting the divorce that he delayed during years. Now he sees 4 main factors that influence the duration and intensity of the crisis, I added one fifth factor :
1) Level of initial suffering (including FOO wounds)
2) LBS doing "what to avoid" (in French we call that les interdits / the forbidden things
3) stickiness of the "bandage" (pansement = French name for OP)
4)  capacity for introspection of the MLCer
(5)  entourage of the MLCer (family, friends) : sometimes the traditional family is helping positively, sometimes the divorced "friends" have negative influence

What is interesting in this POV is that, between the 4-5 factors that may influence the crisis, only one is under control of the LBS.

My scientific mindset is telling me that it might be possible to compile the datas from all the stories then to figure out the level of the crisis. But on the other hand, I don't think we can foresee the future and I believe the human nature is unpredictable (for good or bad). At the end I think that wanting to predict the future means having expectations, and for my own wellbeing I learned it is best to keep "no expectation"

Another simple criteria (result of the 4-5 factors) to distinguish between minicrisis (MLT) and big crisis (MLC) is the determination for the spouse under MLT to destroy everything that has been built : marriage, finances,

According to the French LBS the duration of minicrisis (MLT) might be
- mini MLT some months
- small MLT : 1 to 2 years
- classical MLT : 3 to 4 years
- big MLT : more than 4 years (rare)

A bit of journaling

life is nice. I spent good time with the children and the friends during this weekend. And the next weekends will be busy also. I feel more and more at peace and I feel my detachment is also increasing. I did not react to the balls that W is sending to me the last week. Instead I continue to keep my line : listen, be light, polite and friendly. I communicate what is needed, no more, no less. I am satisfied of me also because I was able to set up a boundary last time I wanted to discuss some topics with W (related to children and to joint decisions we had to take) : when she began to rant I said simply "OK I see you feel not well so let's discuss another time when you feel better", and she stopped immediately.

I raised the Christmas holidays topic. It was settled 2 years ago that this year we will receive my brothers and their family (spouses + many children). So I asked W whether it was fine for her. She answered instead that she does not know if she will be here for Christmas. I continued with my question, because I want her to feel comfortable, then she said "you do what you want". Then I said (again) that, as I am an adult, I want what I do, and I do not want to invite people behind your back, I finished with "it is your house". I know there are small truth darts hidden in all these words, on the other hand I don't want to hide who I am.

W told me also that she will travel in Switzerland in October for 3 days, to see an old and sick friend from her father. I know there is more to the trip : it is also the preparation of an escape path. I won't react to this escape path, I am happy that I have the knowledge because I can prepare to respond appropriately, may this escape path become revealed to me by W... It seems obvious to me that W is reliving what made her mother 30 years ago after W's father death : abandon the children. Crazy how this crisis is a transgenerational thing :  fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children's teeth are set on edge is such a human reality.
« Latest by Schratz66 on September 25, 2023, 05:53:47 AM »
Thank you XY for checking ..... it took me a couple of days to reel back from this one.

This threw me more off balance than the canceled date earlier this year. And some days I guess I just cannot wrap my head around this man that I have known for 30 years has turned into a coward and all integrity was thrown out with BD.

And I do realize that I only get thrown off kilter due to my own issues of continuing to hope. Hope has always been a survival tactic I had to adopt in childhood when reality was just too grim to fathom and it is difficult to abandon such tactics no matter how counter productive they are in my adult life.

Today I am just sad....sad for him being on such a destructive path and sad for me for having to bury my closest connection to any human being.

....they are only men, and not very good men at that. I know it might always hurt because it was a good life and a wonderful love....but it can also destroy us.....and I think that the love that was so special deserves a better ending then us never recovering.

It does deserve a better ending....I watched my mother never recovering and it broke my heart for her and I have been fighting and trying to not let it destroy me, but if I am honest, a part of me will never recover from this, but I must not give up on life all together.

So, for today and right now, I am trying to stay in the present moment, not focusing on the past or the future.

With the darker season approaching and me usually falling into deeper depression, I have made my first appointment with an acupuncturist to see if that in addition to therapy will help me find light.
Our Community / Thread 37 - Blended, not stirred
« Latest by UrsaMajor on September 25, 2023, 05:16:59 AM »
Something odd is going on with the Forum. There are two blocks of posts missing, one block from 13-20 June and one from 05-13 June.... My thread was one that got "disappeared."

So, short update. D12 changed schools to the one where S16 is for the start of the year and is MUCH happier, has made 4 new friends including one on the very first day. At her old school, she didn't have anyone that was really a friend. S16 is the typical teenage boy.... "Oh yeah dad. We'll go to the gym on Tuesday..."(Tuesday comes) "When will you be here to go to the gym?" "Oh, I'm not feeling all that great. Let's just skip it tonight..."  ::)  Same way with coming on the weekend... but he has no trouble complaining to his IC that I don't have time for him.... ::) ::)

Teenagers - can't live with 'em and ya can't hang 'em by their toes from the ceiling fan either....

S16, D12, and MLCxW have all supposedly been dealing with a stomach bug over the last weeks (that is MLCxW's go-to excuse when she doesn't want to do something) but S16 had no problems last weekend going out with me on a motorcycle tour and eating a grilled sausage and french fries.... At least he was in school the whole week....

Since my last update (whenever that was), I was involved in supporting the pre-launch of the Indian Space Research Organizations (ISRO) Lunar mission as Deputy and the ADITYA L-1 Solar Observatory as Prime Ground Ops Manager so had to burn a LOT of overtime afterwards.... Took 3 weeks off and still have about 75 hours of OT on the books... ::) but both went off well so that was good...

Other than that, it has been quiet. MLCxW is still quietly wallowing away but at least we are able to co-parent well. She is still quite wrapped in in herself so, when the kids are with me, they get experiences in things like cooking things that don't come out of a bag, how to repair a flat on a bicycle, how to clean a bathroom (MLCxW has a cleaning person that comes in and does all that for her/them, I don't), you know... Day-to-day life skills.... D12 still hates to ride her bike (or do anything really active) but at the same time, she was the one that wanted to go to the swimming pool or to the Tree Climbing Center or on a Motorcycle ride. As soon as she is not doing SOMETHIGN though, out comes the phone and she is on it like flies on a dead bunny - mostly reading some Anime thing but on her phone. S16 is not a lot better but he is more interested in "doing" stuff that is active....

Their older dog had to be put to sleep because he had cancer in the lower intestine so, long before that happened, they got a new dog (there were then 2 in the house) who was a street dog in Romania. Now that the older dog is gone, MLCxW decided they needed to get a cat too so they got a kitten whose favorite past time is to sit and stress out the three parakeets they have.... ::)  Why she thought that would be a good idea is beyond me... but it is what she wanted so ....

Not my circus, not my Monkeys.. or dogs... or cats.... or birds...

Not much more to say. R and I just celebrated 4 years from our first "date" last week, we go to dance class on a weekly basis, she will have to go into an inpatient physical therapy setting for about a month because her hand/wrist that was broken in an accident 2 years ago February is still unstable. They did an Artho-CT last week and the repairs they did on the tendons and all are OK but she never got the after OP care needed to rebuild the strength and stability she needs as a Kindergarten teacher. Of course, it was her right hand and she is right handed so .... She needs to get this done because the insurance of the person that caused the accident int eh first place is putting on pressure to get out of paying. If this does NOT work and she ends up with permanent damage, that needs to be known before the claim time runs out because then they will be stuck paying whatever difference between her full-time work and what she is able to do for the next 10 years until she can retire.

My mom (87) fell and broker her hip in July, had replacement surgery and is already back up and walking. Last week, the docs cleared her to walk without a cane and she is pretty much back to her old self. She said that she was "not going to be one of those little old ladies that fell, broke her hip and then sat around until she got pneumonia and died."  :o  She also lost 10 lbs (5 kgs) because of the "horrible" hospital and rehab facility food and said that she was never so glad to be able to cook for herself and her husband before.... I had to laugh at that....

And that is all the news from the Bear's Den.....

Our Community / Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 15: "Who's the Master? Sho'Nuff!!!"
« Latest by Treasur on September 25, 2023, 04:49:12 AM »
Jmo FH - and Standing knows best - but the words sound as if what his wife asked was ‘what he wants for us’. She did not say ‘will you help me?’ Or ‘I need your help with x or y thing I am trying to do’. Or even ‘I have tried x and y which didn’t work so I am thinking I need to try z next but I don’t know how to do that’.

It sounds as if what she said was something like I don’t know what to do. And perhaps was hoping Standing would jump in with a magic to do list so she did not have to deal with the reality of her I don’t know what to do feeling.

Any decent therapist or coach knows that sometimes you have to sit with the discomfort of I don’t know until you feel a big enough need to get unstuck that you want to try something else. That the feeling serves a purpose. Often what you try matters less than the act of trying creates momentum. Tbh most veteran LBS know that feeling too….we come here looking for tips and answers and to do lists but don’t really start moving forwards until we reach our own similar stage. And until then tbh we rarely engage with any tips or advice beyond lip service until we are ready, do we?

Plus, if Standing’s wife does not know what she wants to do, perhaps hasn’t yet got to the point where she can pin down what she sees as the ‘problem’ she wants to tackle in a tangled ball of issues, how on earth could Standing get inside her head enough to know either? And it might inadvertently feed the message that Standing or the marriage is the problem by now being the answer. There’s a big risk imho in trying to play fixer, counsellor or coach to a spouse who is stuck when we have our own agenda and our own assumptions which may not be entirely accurate….even in normal times…..that’s why professionals can be useful. And why we all need to tread respectfully with each other too tbh bc life is rarely one size fits all.  :) It takes some humility and courage though to see where I end and you begin in situations like this, doesn’t it?
Hi Standing Strong, I am so happy for you about these good news ! This confession is great and your W has made a huge step in the last weeks.

This part of your writing looks outstanding to me :
Quote from: Standing Strong
Then she wants to know what I want for "us". She presses hard - and I shoot right back "No, you don't get an answer to that now. You will fix yourself FIRST before there is ANY talk about that". 
She cries.

W talks about now knowing what is wrong - and it's all her...... but she has no reference point to knowing what to do next. She doesn't know how to proceed. She's been broken all along, and she knows nothing other than being broken (her words).
I totally understand your point : you ask your wife to heal before you can go back to a marriage relationship, right ? Only that, your W says she does not know  what to do, and it looks like to me she is expecting your support/direction/advice. She is already doing IC since a long time, so I can not see what she could do better or differently right now ?
Usually we LBS should not give advices because our sposes under MLC don't want advices and don't ask for them. But this time it is different, no ? What do you think about it ?
Our Community / Help please 4
« Latest by Helpnewc on September 25, 2023, 02:46:21 AM »
It is very odd. Family lawyers seem very Lucy goosy in Australia.

No document has been requested by her or her lawyer. I have disclosed everything through my lawyer. To be honest I think they both don’t quite understand the business structure although mine does a bit better as I can explain it.

I have had him send a polite letter saying it is an abuse of process to run off to Court when it has not been specified what I have not disclosed.
Our Community / Not new, but still learning about this!
« Latest by UrsaMajor on September 25, 2023, 02:43:45 AM »
So the summer holidays came and went. We took a big family holiday with lots of friends, which W and I  split, her the first week, me the second. I had such a great time with the kids. W was upset initially about splitting the holiday, and has very slightly monstered about it since, but this was like a sort of cuddly Jim Henson monster compared to a full on horror film one.

What did she want instead - that you take the whole vacation? That she takes the whole vacation? That you both have the whole vacation?

That is kind of what happens when you separate and decide to leave your family - the family time gets split between parents... It is called "consequences" and we all are well aware of just how much a Mid-Lifer LOVES consequences that don't fall into line with the way they think it should be....   ::)
Our Community / Re: WTH
« Latest by UrsaMajor on September 25, 2023, 02:39:55 AM »
Guaranteed that if you had said something you would have poked the bear.

Like THIS bear....

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