Thank you all for your help! From what she wrote in texts I don’t think reconciliation is on the menu.

She had dinner with a friend the other day who was twice divorced. Im guessing the conversation was:
W-I’m thinking of leaving Baxter F-Youve been together 21 years and have two kids, at least try MC!
W-(rolls eyes) ok, if I have to…

I don’t think much will come of it, I’m cautiously optimistic but I guess you don’t know until you try. I have a call into one and I will feel them out as to their stance on saving marriages. As for the one XY used, I’m appalled that an MC would say that! It’s ok Mr bank robber you can give into your dark side, it will be good to connect with your inner thief ….

My assumptions are in regards to professional therapists, I have come across others who have seen marriage "counselors" who were actually religiously affiliated or self titled helpers.

Sample of one.

Therapy is not going to "fix" the marriage...as is often stated, MLC is NOT a marriage issue. However, a therapist should take into consideration the pain that the LBSer is experiencing if he/she is seeing both of you.

The best "counseling"  for my well being was from our parish priest ( as well as other priests along the way)who insisted on seeing Mr. xyzcf individually. Mr. xyzcf, prior to his crisis was a cradle Catholic, alter server for more than a decade and we attended mass every week together. For 35 years, our faith, values and beliefs were the same, until his crisis.

I felt comfort both in the times I spent with various priests and other's along the way and because he spoke to my husband directly... that was important in my own healing...because I understood then, that something was terribly wrong. Our parish priest also INSISTED that I protect myself financially which I did not want to do at the time because I thought it would hurt the chance of our reconciliation...he strongly encouraged me to take legal steps to protect myself.

My second and third counselors actually are both Christian professional therapists. I did not choose them because of their faith, but it sure was good for me to have therapists who understood my faith and beliefs.

As for "self titled helpers" I found a great deal of help from Rejoice Ministries daily devotionals.

Not everyone on HS has the same beliefs and values, especially about the permanency of marriage. What you can do is find a therapist that fits your world view...if you are not feeling at ease, do not hesitate to find someone else...professional or not.

I should possibly clear up that I do believe MC being pro- or anti-marriage has zero effect on MLCr leaving.

But there is one important difference:

+ pro-marriage MC works in protecting, supporting and saving two individuals during the process.

+Anti-marriage MC works in saving only the more damaged partner (usually MLCr that is having such deep personal crisis that even a blind person sees it),  relying the other partner (usually LBS) has the skills to pull through independently over time.

My personal experience on MC is similar to what xyzcf wrote. Having an anti-marriage MC can easily deepen the wounds you already have or create new ones. So pick your poison carefully Baxter1.

Alvin

xyzcf I wonder if the MC you two saw maybe realized that your husbands agenda did not match what the intent was. And sometimes if it is apparent that one party is struggling personally they may suggest individual therapy

I think it is worth at least exploring why a couple's marriage is ending after 32 years. Some aid in assisting eachg person to express themselves,some help for the LBS.

There was none of that. In all fairness, in the second session, Mr xyzcf said he was "done" coming to see the therapist, I could come if I wanted ...that's when the therapist said to him "it was time to get in touch with his bad side".

The therapist had seen us both individually first....I found this comment to be very hurtful to me...as though he was taking my husband's side without adequately evaluating what was happening in this 32 year marriage. It really felt to me that the therapist only thought my husband's "happiness" was all that mattered.

Simply journaling to get this off my mind.....working with my therapist about all these abandonment issues and not being 'enough'.....honestly the best thing to come out of this crisis has been that I was finally 'forced' to go to therapy and address these issues that I have kept under the rug for way too long.
These are tough things to discover and even tougher to try to heal and make changes in how I feel about myself.

With my birthday just days away I was trying to figure out why my birthday always has caused me so much sadness and panic. I always envy people that find their birthdays joyful days to celebrate and be the star simply for existing. The conclusion I arrived at is that to me any birthday brings up overwhelming feelings of shame and guilt. Shame and guilt for not being better, for not measuring up, for not producing.....and I realize that is what I think other people will think....for not having been successful in my family's eyes. Not having went to university, not having a fancy house to show, not vacationing in fancy places, not having a herd of successful children....

What do I think success is? I feel success is breaking negative generational cycles - success to me is loving and supporting other humans and animals - success is kindness and gentleness in this harsh world we live in.  So, the question is...why do I put more emphasis on other peoples ideas of success than my own......

Do I think MLC is successful ? He has a university degree, he has a career, he has the looks and the fancy vehicle.....I absolutely do not think he is successful because he despises himself and is so lost that he drowns himself in alcohol.

The real work lies in learning to not measure myself in what other people's expectations are. Still along way to go, but I am determined to get there.