[Baxter1]

My second thread, here’s a link to the first one:

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=12072

Happy Labour Day(to those who celebrate this day).

Still the same here, W at home with family, talk about every day and we’re about 6 months in.
Does anyone have info on antidepressants? Do they help or hinder the MLCer through this. I haven’t seen monster in a while and it’s awkward but not horrible at the house. Not sure if this a calm before a
Storm or the new norm?

[UrsaMajor]

My second thread, here’s a link to the first one:

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=12072

Happy Labour Day(to those who celebrate this day).

Still the same here, W at home with family, talk about every day and we’re about 6 months in.
Does anyone have info on antidepressants? Do they help or hinder the MLCer through this. I haven’t seen monster in a while and it’s awkward but not horrible at the house. Not sure if this a calm before a
Storm or the new norm?

Antidepressants are a God-send for those who really need them, either temporarily or (in some cases for those that are genetically predisposed to having low levels of Serotonin) permanently but not all of them work for every person. They need to be used under supervision of a qualified doctor. One formulation (i. e. Zoloft) might work for one person and not for another so it may be a try and see period until the right one for the particular person is found... In addition, one does NOT want to go full on or quit cold turkey (which is what a lot of MLC'ers do - "Oh, I feel fine now so I don't need this anymore" so they just stop taking it and then all Hades breaks loose).

If it is truly an issue with depression, they can help but the Mid-Lifer still needs to deal with the root causes of their issues that has caused the depression in the first place..... AD's are another band-aid over the wound....

[Baxter1]

Ok, it’s getting bad over here. We talked tonight and she’s back with the bird nesting. I said I’m not leaving, we can fix this but she wants no part of it. She said she spending time with an ex(she dumped him for me 20 years ago). She wants to ‘see where this goes’, I said I’m standing for the marriage and I’m not giving up. She wants to be friends and coparent, I said that’s fine but I still love you. My heads kinda spinning, part of me wants to grab some popcorn and watch what happens(he called 3 times in a row during our conversation, controlling much?) . She needs to learn that the grass isn’t greener. She said if I don’t burdnest she’ll have to file. Neither one of us want that either, she wants to file when the youngest is 18, he’s 15 now.
Not sure what to do, for now I’m staying in the house, you guys were right, this MLC is tough!

[xyzcf]

It is tough Baxter and heartbreaking as the actions have an impact on our well being.

If she wants to file, nothing you can do to change that. That ball is in her court.

I am not sure that divorce does much to help them find happiness. We were apart 9 years “legally separated” and my husband sent  me a text message to inform me that he was divorcing me. He had never even mentioned the word “divorce” and to this day, I have no reason why he felt he needed to do this.

There really is no figuring out why they do the things they do. All I know is that it really is not normal behavior.

It does a number on our heads, how can it not. Be we regain our equilibrium and motor on.

I am not sure that antidepressants have much effect on their crisis. Doesn’t seem so for the few people I know whose spouse was put on meds.

Be gentle with yourself.

[Helpnewc]

Dear Baxter,

The one thing I have learned through brutal experience is there is nothing rational going on and you can’t love them back. For so long I thought I love this woman so much and she must remember some of the good stuff. Nope, it is gone and it ain’t coming back right now.

You get to decide what you can take. You have to care for yourself and your kids. It is your decision when you want to call it.

The one thing I have learned is that the person I loved is no more. Holding onto the past has not helped me. I also know that I can’t talk my way out of this one.

I also have a lot of love to give and I don’t want to have my kids see a dysfunctional loveless marriage.

Be kind to yourself. Hope is ok. But also take care of yourself.

Who knew so much pain existed.

[KayDee]

I know it's screwy, but it could be that your declarations of love and standing are perceived by your W as you holding on too tightly. In other words, holding her back, or controlling her. It seems odd to write that, because what is wrong with saying you love someone, right? But, if this is the case, she still has you in the cross-wires as the cause of her dis-ease. If you let her free and plow your own groove for now, you may find a bit more relief. She will do what she does, maybe the quicker she does it, the quicker she will see it is not the solution. I don't have an at home MLC, so I can only imagine how hard it is to create a space and way of living that doesn't feel like you are on edge all the time, but I think others who have come before have managed to do this, with strong boundaries and a lot of grit. Yes, it is so very hard and none of it seems logical.

[Baxter1]

Thank you for the responses. I have talked to others who agree, if I hold on it will only anger her and make the situation worse. I have made my case that I am standing, that’s all I can do. She wants to get a mediator so I will go along with it but not assist. I placed a boundary of the A not coming to the house which she agreed with. She also wants to share this new life with the kids( she goes to the beach a lot) I feel that it is inappropriate but they are old enough to make their own decisions, should I set a boundary of don’t take the kids with you if A is there? (S17 S15) they each have their own lives and probably won’t go with her anyways, I have a feeling they will thinks it’s Super weird, which it is. If I had a mistress I would never suggest, oh come meet my children, that sounds like something that can occur post D.
In addition the A is an affair down, he is the guy she left for me, I told her she is a grown woman and she will do what she’s going to do but I don’t condone their relationship. She asked me why I wasn’t  mad at her, I wanted to say you’re in MLC and I know this isn’t the real you. Instead I said how can I be mad at you I still love you. She had no reaction to that but I think she was ashamed. Ashamed of what she is doing and ashamed of the guy she’s doing it with. I read ShockSis entries and it seems they don’t care, he is making her pain go away and that’s all that matters at this time. Time will tell what happens, like everyone on this forum I never thought I’d be in this situation but I’m sure I’ll Be fine  either way. Thanks for the support

[Treasur]

I agree with the others here that you may be inadvertently conflating two different things - how you feel about her/your marriage and the nesting issue. In her mind - hence her ‘do what I want it or i’ll file’ - but perhaps in your own.

You are allowed to feel how you feel, but your words of love are obviously not what she wants to hear right now. You’ve said your piece so no need to say it again imho.

On the nesting issue - which if i understand you rightly is that she wants you to buy/rent another place and the two of you take turns using it or being in the house with your kids? Regardless of how you feel, this is not an option you want to take? Why not, out of interest? For reasons that have nothing to do with your feelings for your wife or her opinion? (And don’t get me wrong, I can see a lot of disadvantages to it for you and your kids and few advantages, but some people do choose this option presumably for good reasons….)

But I would encourage you to see these two things as separate….your feelings about how things are vs what you are or are not prepared to do in response to where you are if that makes sense.

You said in an earlier post that she first mentioned this in June. I asked you what your Plan B was when you first said no to it then; you said that you both stayed in the house was your Plan B. It may be that you now need a Plan C, my friend, if your wife is going to turn the pressure up in a very typical MLC way. (Bc they mostly do, particularly in the first year or so, which is why we say it gets worse before it gets better. And often, the thing that gets better is you  )

In addition to that, you can ask her to do or not do certain things for your sake or your kids - how is that working out so far though?  - but you can’t control if she does. And that includes if she files or indeed brings the OM around the kids. That is where boundaries come in….yours with her and your kids with her….if she does x or y, do you know what your boundaries and next steps are.

As I read it, essentially (and in a very MLC way) your wife wants to be ‘free to explore’ a new life with OM while the rest of you shuffle round to make that as easy as possible for her so she doesn’t have to feel too much discomfort about it. That sucks and it’s a s$itty way for a parent to behave imho, but that’s how it is right now. You get to choose though what is acceptable as a way to live for you and your kids given that…..if only on the basis that what is good for three outnumbers what is good for one lol…..and you do have options. She may not like them but that’s not really your primary concern, is it? Everything from her moving out to her own place or with her sister as before or with OM to you doing so to legal separation (depending on where you live) to divorce. Or indeed some blend of these things.

Most of us avoid doing these things at first bc, understandably, we want to see it as a short storm that will pass. In reality, from most of the stories here, it becomes evident that it is more like a hurricane that blew your house down. Your choices are about how or if to make a life in the rubble or pick up your treasures and make a different one.

What is going to be best for you and your kids emotionally, practically and financially?
You can still select that option and love your wife or stand in hope of reconciliation down the line. If you knew for sure that your marriage was over, how and where would you like to live your next chapter? Bc what you can’t do is control her choices or protect her from the pretty predictable consequences of prioritising them over her marriage, home and children. But you can protect your own future life from some of it.

[UrsaMajor]

Hi Baxter,

KayDee and Treasur have already said it but I am going to repeat (from my own experience) and maybe put it in a bit more graphic terms....

Telling your Mid-Lifer repeatedly that you are standing for your marriage and that you love her usually has 2 effects:
#1 - The Mid-Lifer looses more and more respect for you because they realize that you are going to sit there in your snotty pile of Kleenexes on the porch in your rocking chair crocheting lace doilies no matter what they do - they can do whatever they want and you'll still be there as their Plan B (I personally think we LBS's are worth more than being a "back up option" for the Mid-Lifer if things don't go well with the Affair Down)
#2 - The Mid-Lifer tries harder and harder  to coerce the LBS into doing SOMETHING that "proves their point" or justifies their actions.

Mine asked me, after she had a hot night with the OM where he essentially dumped her and went back to his W and kids and then came home in a hot mess with a story that was as incredible as well as it was impossible. When I hugged her while she was bawling her eyes out, she asked me "Why I was still being so nice to her?" I made the mistake of saying that I still loved her and that I wanted things to work out and <boom!> she was off to the races. A couple of months later, the house was sold, she had found an apartment and I was in the process of looking for one.... Why? Because I was too controlling....   

She knows you don't condone the extramarital affair. Who would? Stating that is stating the obvious and will come across as an effort to influence/control her and that is the LAST thing an MLC'er wants to have....

So, the advice is right. You've made your point. No point in repeating it ad nauseum

Her threat of "Do what I want or I'll file" is just like a three-year-old saying "If I don't get what I want, I'll hold my breath until I DIE!"  You do you and take care of your kids. You have set the boundary of no OM in the house. Fine. What are the consequences if she breaks that boundary? Do you have a plan?  As far as the nesting thing goes, I have a slightly different viewpoint. If that is what she wants, then she should be the one to do it. SHE should be the one paying for the extra place, NOT you. You HAVE a house and a mortgage...

As fa as OM goes, he's not paying the rent for the headspace he is occupying so ignore him (I know, easier said than done) but the bottom line is that he is a symptom and not the cause. he is a dirty bandage over a gaping wound.

Your kids are old enough (15 & 17) to have a say in where they go and what they do. Be prepared that, if MLCW and OM decide to play "Santa parents" that the kids may be sucked into that for a while... I mean, hey, kids are opportunists but it won't last. As MLCW breaks more and more promises to them, they will realize that it is all a big smoke screen and there is nothing behind it - "Mom" has left the building. 

You can leave it to them to decide if they want to see MLCW/OM to the extent that it doesn't impact their school work or their lives in general.... But, you need to b able to separate YOUR impressions of the impact form the real impact or their perceptions of the impact. Coparenting with a Mid-Lifer is much akin to having an additional teenager/Toddler to deal with...

The bottom line in the repetition of the fact you are standing or that you love her:

[Helpnewc]

You can’t love them back.

You have said it. She knows. It is enough.

Don’t shout at the storm. Get inside and make yourself and your family safe.

I remember when I counted the days. I did not want to believe this $h!te takes years. I am sorry to say I was wrong.

But you also get to decide when enough is enough. You know what you can take. Others will want your pain to end as it causes them pain.

But it is your call. And all of us here know what is going on is very unusual and not a normal marriage problem.