[xyzcf]

“Nesting does not work for me, I am not leaving my home.“

I like this .....you repeat it to her often enough and stand firm on what you want.

My husband thought I could move from my beautiful home and garden to an apt that faces the Home Depot parking lot...did not happen. I stayed in my home.

Yes, the IC usually wants us to confront and discuss and what is sad but seems true...as long as they are in a crisis, discussion goes no where. And it sets us up because we think, ok....we "need" to do this seriously.....but in general, they only want what they want and their minds change daily, sometimes hourly.

Knowing what you want and sticking with that is a huge step ahead...because you know what is best for you and you do not have to appease her...this is her show.

[Baxter1]

XY-
Did I mention I want out of this club? This  same thing happened about 2 months ago, nesting/move out. I waited a couple of days and we talked. She said ‘I thought you didn’t want to’ and walked away. Here I am freaking out and she’s probably already forgotten about this. At yes, the joys of a cycling MLCer, I’ve got to work on my detachment game!

[Helpnewc]

Dear Baxter,

Reading your messages is like looking back at my life 12 months ago.
I was desperately trying to work it out and find a way to save my marriage.

I am in month 17, the affair has ended. She is back in our old life with me deleted from it. Presumably because she is happier with me not in it.

My advice is so what is right for you. Take the steps that help you recover. Don’t lose empathy but gain distance. For me, it is now like I am watching from a remote drone. Her feelings don’t concern me.

It is hard. I get it. My wife went out on Saturday night and the kids stayed at their grandparents. I was alone but ok. My mind did not wander to what she was doing. I could not have done that before.

Nothing you want will come from discussing the relationship. She is in a different spot to you. It will take time. I wish that was not the truth. I have given up scouring the web for plans and things to break through.

There is only one plan. Look after yourself. Look after your kids and be strong so that if you do get the chance to pick up the pieces you can.

I am sorry for your pain.

[Baxter1]

Help-
Thanks for your words. I’m trying to detach but like most things it’ll take time. I’m learning to accept that the old wife is no longer here. She may come back at the end of this or she may not. It seems both our wives agree that they will have a better life without us, maybe it’s in the MLC brochure. I’m focusing on the kids and GAL while she focuses on herself and her new life. This definitely sucks but I think I’ll be stronger person at the end of it no matter what the outcome.

[Helpnewc]

Sucks is the word.

You will be ok either way.

[Reinventing]

Just chiming in to agree with Helpnewc's advice.

[Baxter1]

W wants to go to counciling? I’m planning on agreeing but from it looks like it might not end well, any advice?? It was her idea

[UrsaMajor]

As usual, it depends......

If she is still in the tunnel, in escape and avoid, then she is likely looking for a counselor to tell her what she is doing is fine if it makes her happy or to give her "permission" to divorce you. That is what my MLC'er did and when she did NOT get that, she didn't want to continue counselling very long.

If she is serious and is really looking to figure out what the deal is, she probably needs to be seeing an IC herself rather than an MC with you....

Regardless, as long as your expectations are non-existent, it might help. It might just be a huge gripe session and recitation of every fault you have, real or imagined so keep that in mind...

[Baxter1]

She wants to have a meeting so that we can discuss our communication issues. I’m not reacting at all to her when she tells me it’s over. I’m thinking that’s the goal of this meeting, she’s pissed im not reacting to her when she says stuff

[forthetrees]

If the agenda for a counseling session is to learn effective communication strategies, I´d say go for it. You´re gonna need those strategies whether or not you remain a couple. Doing practice conversations with the input of the counselor might help a lot as both of you would get feedback on things you might be doing (body language) or saying (tone, word choice, you vs. I statements) but are not aware of that pull the conversation in a negative way.