[Baxter1]

For-
I agree, there’s nothing wrong with learning communication skills. I feel that the point of MC is to either check it off the list (I half heartedly tried so now we can D) or it’s just to get me to feed monster more by her getting me riled up in the meeting. ‘ see Mrs councilor, look at what I’m married to’!.
Either way I’ll go in with an open mind, friends of mine are on the same page as you, it won’t hurt to try, it may save the M but I’m very cautiously optimistic.
UM-
I agree, it will be a gripe fest. I’m sure in the long list of complaints some will be valid and I will validate as needed. I’m sure she wants the same, to have the MC validate her as an excuse to leave.

[FrenchHusband]

Hi B1,

From what you write, your W wants you to react to all the balls she sends at you. And, as you are not reacting, she is not happy. So, the MC looks like a way to oblige you to react to the balls. She is totally desperate to make you react, and she is looking for an ally.
So, imho, if you accept this MC you can prepare to the worse and sharpen your best communication skills to not react and listen ; keeping an open mind is a good idea. Don't expect this MC to save your M, if it happens it will be a good surprise.

When I got the MC 2 months ago, my W wanted to separate and was preparing escape paths. But at the end of the MC, even if the mediator asked her 2 times whether she wants to speak about separation, she did not say a word about it. My W is afraid about D and does not wants to initiate it, I guess yours is in a similar position ?

[Baxter1]

FH-
I love the ball analogy. Yes, I have been as non reactive as possible and it is upsetting her( we need MC because we don’t “communicate effectively”). She has been throwing balls and I’ve been letting them fly right past. I’m going to go into MC with an open mind but I fell she doesn’t want D either. We have a great life together, she doesn’t want to give that up. I feel that for many reasons (house,kids,friends and family judging her) she won’t pick D. I guess time will tell, thanks for sharing your experience.

[Helpingme!]

Bax
I agree with UM. 
It's hard to defend the crazy blame they can throw at this stage.
You will be the worst guy in the world to the MC. If you defend the lies??? Well your still the bad guy.
Be prepared for a throw down. 

And yes she probably needs some justification for what's shes doing.

You know your W better than anyone.  Maybe it it will work, maybe shes for real.
Just be prepared my friend.

Try to listen and more listening.

[AlvinTheMaker]

Hi Baxter1,

You have been given a lot of good advice. One thing I would add to list s that if you agree into MC, it is highly recommended to ask in advance if MC is pro-marriage or not.  This may have huge effect on the narrative you will go through those sessions. Choose wisely and shop around for proper MC.

Regards,
Alvin

[Baxter1]

Alvin,

Thanks for the heads up! She was going to pick the MC but I graciously took over that responsibility. I’ll be asking pro marriage, i appreciate your time

[UrsaMajor]

Alvin,

Thanks for the heads up! She was going to pick the MC but I graciously took over that responsibility. I’ll be asking pro marriage, i appreciate your time

Be prepared to have her say that you picked the MC to support your point of view then.... (Personal experience)  I let MLC'er pick and she picked one that she knew told her friend that they really should divorce (which was what she wanted to have happen) but when the therapist told my MLCxW that she was lucky to have me and that she needed to be part of the solution to save the marriage instead of finding a problem for every solution, she suddenly didn't like that therapist, that SHE picked, anymore...

Just FYI from a sample of one

[WHY]

Let’s ask this another way.  Can anyone show ONE example of where MC worked while the MLCer was deep in escape and avoid….

You have my answer. 

[Treasur]

Tbh I would not worry overmuch about trying to find the ‘right’ MC at this point.
Why?
Bc doing so hooks you into an unconscious belief that you can control or influence something you probably can’t.
Bc, whatever the MC is like, one can only work with what the players bring to the table in terms of their own intentions….like talking to a mirror really…your w either wants to rebuild something or destroy it and the capability of an MC does not change that. (It might matter if her intention was about rebuilding, that’s true…but you can always choose a different MC if so, right?)
Bc if you see it as a simple data gathering opportunity, completely without expectations one way or the other, you will be able to see your w’s intention without much input from the MC either way tbh.
Bc you can always leave the session if you think it is futile or harmful to you or that it is enabling abusive behaviour by your wife. We always have the right to say no thanks to things; we often don’t use it enough 

Metaphorically pick a sensible name out of a hat. Get an appointment. See it as data gathering where your primary job is to listen well enough to judge if your w’s primary goal is to rebuild or justify destroying your marriage/family as it has been and then be able to act accordingly after the meeting. Say very little and resist the urge to defend, explain or justify your own intentions or choices to date. Bc very few of them matter at all practically speaking if someone else’s intention is negative. Short sentences. Stick to facts where you can. Say idk or I’m not sure or I’d need time to think about that when you don’t know. Be careful about treating either your hopes or assumptions as facts….they may be facts to you but not necessarily from your wife’s current pov and few of us like being told what’s wrong with how we think or feel 

In summary, do it if you want but invest a lot less energy in it than I think you might be doing. It’s unlikely to be either a magic fix or a magic closing curtain either way.

[xyzcf]

One thing I would add to list s that if you agree into MC, it is highly recommended to ask in advance if MC is pro-marriage or not.  This may have huge effect on the narrative you will go through those sessions.

I agree with Alvin. It is important that the counsellor is pro marriage if that is what you are working towards. The counsellor we saw twice told my husband it was time for him to get in touch with his dark side...basically telling him to leave and do whatever he wanted to do. I was shocked by this...no attempt at all to suggest that there was anything to work on .....not even to work on how to end the marriage if that was to be the result.