[WHY]

I interviewed about 7-8 therapists when I was going through the same thing.  They ALL said as long as there was an active alienator, that MC was set up to fail.  It only works when there is no alienator, and when both parties want to fix the marriage, but don’t know. 

Sincerely Bax.  Do it for your own reasons.  But personally I think it’s a complete waste of time and may actually make things worse if detachment is your goal.   

[marvin4242]

The counsellor we saw twice told my husband it was time for him to get in touch with his dark side...basically telling him to leave and do whatever he wanted to do. I was shocked by this...no attempt at all to suggest that there was anything to work on .....not even to work on how to end the marriage if that was to be the result.

I personally do not believe there are "pro" and by implication "anti" marriage counselors who work with couples. The job of a licensed couple counselor is to facilitate whatever it is the couple wants to accomplish, whether to save a relationship, separate amicably, or to shed light on where the friction and issues are to help the couple. Which is perfectly in line with a lot of the advice. If it is obvious both people are not committed to the relationship then a good couple therapist can not "save" or fix anything. In fact if the goals of the two people are vastly different I am not sure there is anything that can be done.

xyzcf I wonder if the MC you two saw maybe realized that your husbands agenda did not match what the intent was. And sometimes if it is apparent that one party is struggling personally they may suggest individual therapy. My assumptions are in regards to professional therapists, I have come across others who have seen marriage "counselors" who were actually religiously affiliated or self titled helpers.

[xyzcf]

xyzcf I wonder if the MC you two saw maybe realized that your husbands agenda did not match what the intent was. And sometimes if it is apparent that one party is struggling personally they may suggest individual therapy

I think it is worth at least exploring why a couple's marriage is ending after 32 years. Some aid in assisting eachg person to express themselves,some help for the LBS.

There was none of that. In all fairness, in the second session, Mr xyzcf said he was "done" coming to see the therapist, I could come if I wanted ...that's when the therapist said to him "it was time to get in touch with his bad side".

The therapist had seen us both individually first....I found this comment to be very hurtful to me...as though he was taking my husband's side without adequately evaluating what was happening in this 32 year marriage. It really felt to me that the therapist only thought my husband's "happiness" was all that mattered.

[AlvinTheMaker]

I should possibly clear up that I do believe MC being pro- or anti-marriage has zero effect on MLCr leaving.

But there is one important difference:

+ pro-marriage MC works in protecting, supporting and saving two individuals during the process.

+Anti-marriage MC works in saving only the more damaged partner (usually MLCr that is having such deep personal crisis that even a blind person sees it),  relying the other partner (usually LBS) has the skills to pull through independently over time.

My personal experience on MC is similar to what xyzcf wrote. Having an anti-marriage MC can easily deepen the wounds you already have or create new ones. So pick your poison carefully Baxter1.

Alvin

[xyzcf]

My assumptions are in regards to professional therapists, I have come across others who have seen marriage "counselors" who were actually religiously affiliated or self titled helpers.

Sample of one.

Therapy is not going to "fix" the marriage...as is often stated, MLC is NOT a marriage issue. However, a therapist should take into consideration the pain that the LBSer is experiencing if he/she is seeing both of you.

The best "counseling"  for my well being was from our parish priest ( as well as other priests along the way)who insisted on seeing Mr. xyzcf individually. Mr. xyzcf, prior to his crisis was a cradle Catholic, alter server for more than a decade and we attended mass every week together. For 35 years, our faith, values and beliefs were the same, until his crisis.

I felt comfort both in the times I spent with various priests and other's along the way and because he spoke to my husband directly... that was important in my own healing...because I understood then, that something was terribly wrong. Our parish priest also INSISTED that I protect myself financially which I did not want to do at the time because I thought it would hurt the chance of our reconciliation...he strongly encouraged me to take legal steps to protect myself.

My second and third counselors actually are both Christian professional therapists. I did not choose them because of their faith, but it sure was good for me to have therapists who understood my faith and beliefs.

As for "self titled helpers" I found a great deal of help from Rejoice Ministries daily devotionals.

Not everyone on HS has the same beliefs and values, especially about the permanency of marriage. What you can do is find a therapist that fits your world view...if you are not feeling at ease, do not hesitate to find someone else...professional or not.

[WHY]

MC while MLCer is in escape and avoid is not considered "dropping the rope" IMO.  It wont change a thing and it's only going to create more anguish for LBS and prolong detachment.   

Honestly one man's opinion here.  It's not worth it.  Do it for other reasons like closure if you must.  But not for working on the marriage. 

For example Bax.  Tell the counselor you need space to heal and seeing as though your W is having the affair, she should move out, in the best interest of potentially saving the marriage and allowing each individual time to heal.  I would come up with individual goals like this but completely forget about working on the marriage, for now. 

[Baxter1]

Thank you all for your help! From what she wrote in texts I don’t think reconciliation is on the menu.

She had dinner with a friend the other day who was twice divorced. Im guessing the conversation was:
W-I’m thinking of leaving Baxter F-Youve been together 21 years and have two kids, at least try MC!
W-(rolls eyes) ok, if I have to…

I don’t think much will come of it, I’m cautiously optimistic but I guess you don’t know until you try. I have a call into one and I will feel them out as to their stance on saving marriages. As for the one XY used, I’m appalled that an MC would say that! It’s ok Mr bank robber you can give into your dark side, it will be good to connect with your inner thief ….

[Reinventing]

There was none of that. In all fairness, in the second session, Mr xyzcf said he was "done" coming to see the therapist, I cold come if I wanted ...that's when the therapist said to him "it was time to get in touch with his bad side".

Hearing that would be like someone peeling skin off my arm. So sorry you went through that.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I will add to the long list of those that tried the MC route. In fact the counselor met with my ex on two separate occasions to speak individually with my ex regarding the marriage and making a choice. In my situation, my ex enjoyed the limbo status we were in. Not moving away or towards me at all. The MC basically told her that her actions were completely unfair to me. Now, my ex was also lying and told her OM was out of the picture which he was not at all. However, the session themselves were blame sessions and not much was accomplished because my ex didn't want to communicate and she didn't want to fix the marriage.

However, I think you can use MC to set some strong boundaries for yourself. Feel free to apologize for the way she feels, but stand your ground on staying in the house. "I'm really sorry that you feel that way and I am sad that you think I have done this to you. However, I am not making any plans to leave this marriage or my home." Phrase it the way you want to, but use it to set some things. If she wants to be out, maybe she should be in the basement. If I was going to do it all over again. Listen, but don't let her rewrite the narrative and these sessions become time for you to be her emotional punching bag.

I think you have done an amazing job over the past six months. I was a complete wreck and just started hitting my stride. I never go over OM and it still riles me to this day. In the end, my ex filed for divorce and left. It didn't work out with OM and now, a decade later, my ex has some serious regrets. Your ex may think that you are the monster and how a free life will make her happy and feel fulfilled. The truth is that all she will do is trade in one set of issues for another set of issues. It's the reality of life.

Just know that part of detaching is to be open and willing to accept any outcome and you will be fine. Apathy is not caring at all. Detachment is still caring but accepting that she may or may not leave you and you will be fine with either endgame.

Have a great evening and just know you are doing an awesome job in dealing with an MLCer and raising your boys!

(((Ready)))

[Baxter1]

Ready-
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement! It hasn’t been the best 6 months of my life but I’m holding on. The kids and the dog have definitely been a life saver. Spending time with them, family and friends has gotten me through thus far. If I hadn’t found this website I don’t know what I would have done. The encouraging people and the advice when I was freaking the F out were like gold. Thank you to you and others who have shared their experiences.
As for the MC time will tell, I’ve been told to have zero expectations so I’m going in hoping for the best but expecting the worst. As for leaving the house that is not happening. Having some random A in my house, near the kids, not if I can help it. I try not think about the A, as I mentioned we used to work together and he is a shallow waste of breath. I’m just going day by day and trying to get detached, not there yet but getting closer.