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Author Topic: Discussion Ask a Mentor 9

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Discussion Ask a Mentor 9
#60: February 20, 2023, 04:45:30 AM
Hello, my thread has been locked at only 44 posts, as I haven’t been on here for a while. I would like to resurrect it if possible. How do I go about doing that? Thanks

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10073.0

All done (forgot to answer here so the other Mods don't go looking for it)
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Me - 61, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 17, D - 13
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Re: Ask a Mentor 9
#61: January 30, 2024, 10:08:48 AM
Is there any harm or benefit to call out an MLC on an outrageous lie ?
I really don’t care what she’s doing but feel insulted that she even thinks I believe her story …

The things they lie about sometimes don’t make sense … and not even believable ..

I want to say we both know you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing … I’d rather she didn’t even feed me any explanation….
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Re: Ask a Mentor 9
#62: January 30, 2024, 11:50:53 AM
Is there any harm or benefit to call out an MLC on an outrageous lie ?
I really don’t care what she’s doing but feel insulted that she even thinks I believe her story …

The things they lie about sometimes don’t make sense … and not even believable ..

I want to say we both know you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing … I’d rather she didn’t even feed me any explanation….

This may be an unpopular opinion, but there was never a time I actually spoke my truth to my MLCer that I regret. And a well-placed "truth dart" had the positive effect of shutting down the dumb lies or bad attitude at times.

There is literally nothing you can say that's going to damage them any more than they are damaging themselves, IMO. But you can absolutely start to compromise your own integrity or identity to accommodate this stuff in order to not 'push them away' (when they're already out the door, most of the time) in a way that causes you to lose yourself or have regrets in the future about the moments you *didn't* take to speak your truth.

Knowing how this all turned out anyway, when I really couldn't have been better to him throughout the ordeal, I would have gone so much harder for myself. And that doesn't mean fighting or yelling, it just means not letting this change me ina way I would ultimately have to recover from.
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Re: Ask a Mentor 9
#63: January 30, 2024, 01:18:44 PM
Is there any harm or benefit to call out an MLC on an outrageous lie ?
I really don’t care what she’s doing but feel insulted that she even thinks I believe her story …

The things they lie about sometimes don’t make sense … and not even believable ..

I want to say we both know you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing … I’d rather she didn’t even feed me any explanation….

If there are kids involved, and they're hearing these lies, I think it's absolutely important to call these things out. I'm living this out right now and it's not easy.  The MCL'er is putting your reputation at risk.  I also agree with @lost88 on everything she said. There's no way you'll push someone away who's already gone in their heart and actions.
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BD 1: August 2022, Complete collapse begins of MLC'er
BD 2: Feb 2024, I don't love you.
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Ask a Mentor 9
#64: February 03, 2024, 07:26:55 PM
I also called out my MLCer on every lie he told me if I had the proof of the lie. Kust be prepared for them to deny even with proof at times. They will try and protect themselves above and beyond. I think it also depends on what type of MLCer you have. Mine was so avoidant that I never got monster, but if you have one that will get angry you don’t know always what exposure to lies will get in a reaction.
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There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

Indefatigability - determined to do or achieve something; firmness of purpose
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Married July 1991
Jan 2018 BD1 moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW
Feb 2022  XH fired
May 2023 went NC after telling XH we could not be friends
Aug 2023 XH moves w/o OWife

 

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