[AlvinTheMaker]

Hi Hopeful5,

There is indeed a lot to think. I too had a business, and a house we had build, shared life and friends, a big family, and xW gone nuts... So I can well relate to your story and what you are going through.

The hard part of possible breakup is that you need to divide what was never meant to be split. Fortunately sole custody is very rare these days, but as a man you need to be prepared to fight if you want equal custody. You must have a solid showcase/plan on how are you gonna provide, how are you gonna shelter, how are you gonna be there emotionally and physically, and above all how will you fill various needs of children (like friends, school, hobbies).

Maybe the best advice I can give is be open to unthinkable and review your internal beliefs during the process. In the end I did so many "impossible" decisions, that I turned my then life (and thinking) literally upside down on many occasions.

Alvin

[Treasur]

Money may feel tight, and may well get tighter, but I think - given what you have said you do not know - you need more information. Which means you should seek legal advice. You don’t need to act on it, but you do need information in order to make a ‘what if’ plan.
Bc tbh the future stakes are too big for you and your kids to not have a ‘what if’ plan based on legal information where you live.

MLC folks imho don’t have plans; they have emotional impulses that they retrofit into ‘plans’. And those can be remarkably self-centred and quite unreasonable in their lack of concern about the effects on everyone else involved, or indeed the entirely predictable consequences of their choices.

[Hopeful5]

It seems like MLC's coming from a traumatic childhood is a common theme around here.  I know its a huge part of my W's issues.  I'm wondering if there are any MLC'ers who haven't had traumatic childhoods?

[Evermore]

It seems like MLC's coming from a traumatic childhood is a common theme around here.  I know its a huge part of my W's issues.  I'm wondering if there are any MLC'ers who haven't had traumatic childhoods?

My xH didn’t have a traumatic childhood. I don’t think it’s the only precursor to MLC, but yes it is a common denominator.

[amazinglove]

Mine had a traumatic, chaotic and toxic childhood. Remembers almost nothing. Never talks about it.

[Hopeful5]

That’s my W also. Terrible childhood with multiple abandonment instances. She remembers almost nothing. But she remembers every “terrible” thing I’ve ever done.

[Hopeful5]

I'm just working through some thoughts here...

My S was talking with W the other day told W how much this all sucks (My W not speaking with me at all, silent treatment from W, her unforgiveness, etc.), and asked her "How long do you plan on going on like this? This isn't sustainable for anyone. Our whole family is totally stressed out! We need some resolve here -- Where do you see yourself in 5 years?". She said she's fine the way things are because she finally feels safe (not sleeping with me in our bed, no communication etc).   

So... Strangely it appears that she plans to go on like this as long as she can (broken marriage but living in the same house).  She says she's the happiest she's ever ben, but all the kids have told her that they feel like they're walking on eggshells all the time -- "Sorry mom... I love you mom.... Sorry mom... I love you mom..." etc.  She's obviously broken and in a deep depression and works out 2hrs / day to get some sort of dopamine hit.  The rest of the day she tries to act happy but that becomes all mopey when Im around, or if one of our kids is upset about her behavior. She's all over the map, but denies it.

I mean, my youngest D is 8.  I can't imagine my W continuing this for 10 years until our D is 18...  I really think the only thing that's keeping her back from divorce is that she knows the kids would hate her. 

I asked my son.  "When you talk with me, do you get the impression that I love W?" - He said yes, without hesitation.
"When you talk W, do you get the impression that she loves me?" - He said no, without hesitation.
Then he argued that I should be doing everything possible to "change" (what exactly, I don't know) to win her back.
I asked him, "Do you think mom actually wants me to change?". He said "No, because that would prove that she's wrong, and that her narrative is wrong."

It's all very clear to my oldest kids that things are completely broken. It's so sad...

So my question is, is it common for MLC'ers to hang around in a completely broken relationship for several years, or do they typically reach a limit and then ask for a D?  I absolutely do not want to be the one to ask for a D.  I want to preserve my relationship with the kids and show them that I'm a rock, and keep them from having to deal with a D, or any of the BS that goes along with it as much as possible. 

Even though things are broken I would assume that if we could be somewhat civil, then a broken 2 parent household would be better than a full divorce (??).  I don't know. I'm willing for all of my beliefs on this to be challenged. 

It's so strange living with someone whose completely done with our marriage and has even said so, but won't do anything about it.  She pretends like everything's fine... The kids are the relationships that she lives for, but she's going to end up ruining those relationships. She's already doing that.

[amazinglove]

I am so sorry you are going through this. And I relate. My H would go on like this indefinitely I think. He loves his freedom and he escapes me and the kids for weeks at a time, has affairs (altho I have no proof but lots of circumstantial evidence) and then comes back to kids to 'visit' and play happy families - stays with us in our home (sleeps in my son's room) - and then leaves when he's had enough. He does not want to get divorced because he likely does not feel any impetus to get married to another (so far) and wants to avoid the shame and embarrassment in front of family and friends who genuinely like me. I suspect it's something similar with you.

i myself have been back and forth about 'standing' and waiting to file as long as I can in order to give him time to pull out of this and also in order to make sure I'm neutral and making a clear minded decision etc. But being his wife while he goes out and does this kind of stuff is killing my mental health and breaking my heart. It might be the same for you. I admire the people on here who can deal with this and just focus on themselves and their healing but I am pretty sure I may not be able to hold the frame of this life in order to accommodate his breakdown.

It's interesting that your kids all see it - but unsurprising. It has been shocking to me how much my kids have picked up on and they are only 10 and 7. I know we can no longer model a good marriage (we did I believe, up until now) but I CAN model a whole, mentally sane, emotionally healthy human, but I'm afraid I cannot if I'm this attached to him, if that makes sense. It's such a personal decision and no one can tell you how much you can take I think.

[Hopeful5]

I am so sorry you are going through this. And I relate. My H would go on like this indefinitely I think. He loves his freedom and he escapes me and the kids for weeks at a time, has affairs (altho I have no proof but lots of circumstantial evidence) and then comes back to kids to 'visit' and play happy families - stays with us in our home (sleeps in my son's room) - and then leaves when he's had enough. He does not want to get divorced because he likely does not feel any impetus to get married to another (so far) and wants to avoid the shame and embarrassment in front of family and friends who genuinely like me. I suspect it's something similar with you.

Hi @amazinglove,

Strangely, my wife hasn't / isn't having any affairs. There doesn't seem to be another person in her life. Again, it's all about her attachment and appearances to our kids.  If she was to have an affair her kids would hate her, and they're all she has.

I'm also going through the process of detachment. It's the most difficult part of all of this I think, but I'm starting to see the benefit of it all. There's a lot of fear involved in detaching. I think we fear that if we detach, then we lose all hope in our relationship ever reconciling. The problem is, the MLC'er has already deeply detached.  I think staying attached gives us a false sense of control, when really, the most beneficial thing we can do (for ourselves and our relationship) is to completely let go and mirror their detachment in a sense.

I've been going through a deep ongoing process of detachment that involves a lot of prayer and silence which has been incredibly helpful and I'm beginning to feel the freedom of it. I'm realizing that her "sin" is her "sin" and I don't need to take it on myself.  If W ever comes around, there will be healing needed for me to forgive, but I will do it. But I can't hold on something/someone who has already left me in their heart. So it's time to let go, move on, and make steps forward into a life without them. 

As Shi##y as this is, I'm coming to believe that this terrible situation is a gift from God, just as much as all the obvious blessings are. There's gold in this, whether or not things turn out how I wish they would.  It's harder for me to see the blessing in this for my kids though.  All I see is unnecessary pain inflicted on completely innocent little ones. I'm not quite there yet with all of that...

[amazinglove]

I loved so much of what you said and it resonated with me as well. thank you!

Personally, I would not call this a gift from God - because it actually feels evil to me - and like you say our innocent kids suffer and God would never do that. But I would say that there is an amazing opportunity for growth here and there will be purpose from the pain.