Hello,

It's been a while so a few personal updates. Grandbaby is doing great and is just a doll. She is now four and half months old and has a personality coming out. We call her angry baby as even at her small state, she yells at her father when she doesn't get her way! But she is really calm.

However she spent the day at my house and charmed everyone-so maybe she isn't so angry after all. The reason why she was at my house was I had my 60th birthday party. My wife really went out of her way to make it special. We had a bartender, lots of food, friends and family. Both my daughters were there and I had a blast. There was even a magician and he was fantastic. Most of all, I was so impressed with my wife. She really put a lot of effort in to my party and it was very special. I had never had such an event done for me before and it really touched my heart.

On other fronts, not such good news. My mother fell and broke her hip. She had hip replacement and was in skilled nursing after rehab. She was about to be discharged, but they came in and found her sitting on the floor. She apparently fractured her ankle. The determined it was a not displaced so they will not have to do surgery, but she has to return back to skilled nursing. My dad has had a bad cold and hasn't even seen her for two weeks. He is doing okay, but I worry about him as well.

My younger brother has had ups and downs. I did not post this, but he lost his wife to cancer last year. She was diagnosed in December with lung cancer  (never smoked a day in her life) and was gone in February. He has been all over the place since then. They had been married for thirty years and he has his good days and his bad days which is expected. I suggested counseling and he said he would look into it. I call him every week to check on him as I know that when you first have a loss, everyone is there, but within a few weeks, they leave so I have been intentional by keeping in touch and giving him a sounding board.

My wife and I have had our travels as well. We went to Greece in March. We were in Athens, then Santorini, and then Crete. I loved Athens for the Acropolis, Santorini was just beautiful, but Crete was amazing. I loved the food and the history. If I went back, I would just go to Crete for ten days and explore the North side as well as the South side.

We just got back from Wichita, KS for a wedding and had a blast. Good food and very friendly people. Learned the word Doo Dah Day which means have a chilled relaxed, laid back, and fun day which really describes the city folk. We may go back next September.

I will be back in Texas in late June and July so I can see my parents. I am going to stay home for Christmas so I can help grandbaby celebrate her first birthday.

Just like life, I move forward and deal with the ups and downs of life. However, I can say I truly feel I am in the right place.

Have an awesome day,

(((Ready)))

I was going to write something very similar to UM. It is a positive part of the journey to reflect and yes, sometimes we swing too far in one direction but you will find your equilibrium. We don't get 'over', we go through. And on the other side, it's different but good.

He is in Russia with the Moscow Mule and his main focus was that I had not replied when he told me he had lost the use of 3 of his fingers on his right hand from his accident - and he was really put out that I did not seem to care. Again, entirely about him.

They really do regress age-wise. He's like a teenage boy who run away from home but still wants everyone to be wringing their hands over his whereabouts. Did he care about the searing pain he left you and the kids in when he skipped off with The MM?  He may have said words, but his actions said no. And this pain and damage we endure, I guarantee it is worse, in terms of psychological trauma, than a finger accident. His fingers? One for each of the people he has hurt maybe.

I also believe I am better off without him. Seeing that miserable mess, I'm glad he's so far away. I do not want that here on my sofa. I felt really happy last night in bed, laughing at something and playing a game I like. I dont have any big realization to share other than, I can make myself happy!

I had this moment too. I found myself singing while driving. I thought 'yes! pay attention to that KD' - I felt pretty happy and while I am often sad about what happened to my marriage, and I do miss my stbxH, I am actually happy. I wanted him in my life, but I don't need him.

Thank you all for the wonderful, thoughtful and encouraging replies. I really do value each and every one.

Yesterday was Mother's Day. It was a perfect day really. Everyone was in a great mood, kids did not argue, my mom and i took them to church and then out to lunch, kids had a swim in the afternoon while i lay outside enjoying the gentle breeze and the palm trees (for one of the last times!), and my daughter, my mom and I are doing a marathon of an Acorn mystery show called Harry Wild, while my son played on his VR headset. It was great. Both kids had written me something - which was what I asked for - and they were both really moving. My 8 year old boy had done a Mother's Day project at school - I love my mom because, and then he would fill in the blank. The one that said "I know my mom loves me because..." he wrote 'because she is staying with me." I mean.....

I did speak to my RRstbx (really really SOON to be ex - divorce is final in 2 days!!) and told him that I don't care if he remembers my bday but I do care that he recognizes mother's day because it is the one thing we will always share. He is in Russia with the Moscow Mule and his main focus was that I had not replied when he told me he had lost the use of 3 of his fingers on his right hand from his accident - and he was really put out that I did not seem to care. Again, entirely about him. He looked awful. Unkempt, blood shot eyes, scruffy, miserable - that part was good to see. I have an image of this MLC spouses flying around having a blast and seeing how desperately miserable he is, actually made me feel better. I feel some compassion for him, but not that much. I told him I did care about his hand and I will always care what happens to him, very much, and.I do not want him to have pain, and he visibly relaxed.

I realized in bed this am, he is still wanting me to 'make everything ok'. Reassure him that I will still talk to him (i have been mostly no contact for the past month), I still smile at him, I still care about him, that's what he is really looking for - he texted me after the call 'THANK YOU!" I need to figure out how to talk to him - we did need to talk about the specifics of the kids' summer plans ydy - and be kind but also NOT play that role anymore because the truth is, nothing will ever be ok for him again. I will never look at him or love him the same way, I will not see him as a good person the way I once did, and neither will our children. When Sept 19th comes, it will have been 2 years that he's really only visited them briefly in their lives. Two years he's missed in their lives he will never get back. He is losing a lot more than the use of 3 fingers!

I also believe I am better off without him. Seeing that miserable mess, I'm glad he's so far away. I do not want that here on my sofa. I felt really happy last night in bed, laughing at something and playing a game I like. I dont have any big realization to share other than, I can make myself happy!

He arrives in 3 weeks to collect the kids and take them to Antalya for a week with his parents while I go to Tenn and sort out logistics. We haven't sold the house yet - the market is so stagnant - and that's stressful, but it's taking 66 days on average here, so I'm trying to stay patient ab it and remain calm. The new house is being built and it's v exciting to see! It fills me with JOY! I will meet kids and him at our annual family resort for 2 weeks (i'm bringing my sister and also our nephew) and my kids are v excited. They asked to have dad there and I agreed bc it's during 'his' time with them and in his country and he is not in my room. Then I will take them to London on their own to see our friends there and then back here. I am so ready for a vacation! I feel so diff than I did last year at this time!

Maybe radical acceptance ALSO means opening up my eyes clearly to the past and realising it was not quite as I had talked myself into believing this whole time.

This is also a stage that we, as the LBS (Living Better spouse) tend to go through.

Were our marriages perfect? No but none are - EVER. The "perfect" marriage doesn't exist because it is a relationship between two imperfect people.
Were our marriages "good?" They were (for the most part), at least in our view until they weren't anymore (in the view of the Mid-Lifer). Of course, the Mid-Lifer tends to revise history so they were NEVER happy and the ENTIRE marriage was nothing but a shambles and pain and blah blah blah.
I would caution you, however, to also not go down the road of revisionist history (this is also something that the LBS can get caught up in - finding all of the negative aspects and asking themselves "Why didn't I notice that? Why did I accept that? Why did I put up with that?"etc, especially when external entities come back and tell us "Oh yeah, we knew there was something off but we didn't want to say anything."
Those external entities can also be blowing smoke up our collective butts in the idea that they are "supporting us."

Our marriages had good points and not-so-good points and it is important for our own lives and our own healing to see both the good and the bad and not just white- (or black-) wash the entire marriage. Remember the good, forgive (when you can) the bad and accept the present as it is.

Like you said, his words ("I don't know.") are not matching his actions/behaviour ("definitely not") so the old adage comes to mind - "When dealing with a mid-lifer, believe NONE of what you hear and only about 35% of what you see until the actions become consistent. Consistent actions (with the emphasis on "consistent") are what is probably REALLY going on inside the fog....."

Anything else is just more