[forthetrees]

I get the not wanting to be the one to make the first legal move nor be the one to pack up his stuff. After some time I realized that it made sense for me to file for divorce as he had been the one to move out so my filing was not really making the first move. I know, it seems that you think he should do it but remember these are the conflict avoidant and if you wait for them to do it, you may be in limbo for a very long time- mine already had a dating profile but had left almost all his stuff behind. I went from room to room and packed it all up. He happened to work at a site on my way to work. I would put a box or two by his car. Yes, it took energy for me to pack BUT, then I could walk around the house and not have triggers just about everywhere. I diffused anger energy in the packing but made sure that all of his stuff transferred in good shape. My motto was to have no regrets on my part. That said, I completely understand how someone could throw all their stuff on the lawn and set fire to it . Don´t cut off your nose to spite your face is a useful motto to live by. Go with Kay Dee´s do what is best for you advice.

[amazinglove]

Such wonderful wisdom on here. I don't think I can add anything that has not already been said more beautifully.

I will say that I'm so sorry you're in this situation lostone, so much of what you say resonates with me. I am also struggling with the 'family' stuff - and to be honest, we are going on a family vacation to a resort we've gone to every year since they were born this summer for 2 weeks (I'm bringing my sister along) bc the kids (8 and 11) are begging for it - but it will 100 percent be the last.

It is him asking you to do the emotional lifting to keep the family together, and I've done that for nearly 2 years now, and it has not accomplished anything apart from eat away at my own healing and sanity. Truthfully, I had hoped it might help keep him anchored to our family, pay attention to the kids, see what he was missing, give up his AP, want to be involved in their lives (if not mine), but all of my efforts - sending videos of the kids, suggesting calls to him, allowing him to stay here with us for weeks at a time and sleep in the guest room, it did not work. He is farther away from acting in any way, shape or form like a dad than EVER. It's still hugely painful for me, and has been a big step, letting go of any hope of him being a parent to our children, the ones we were both so desperate to conceive, the ones whose birth made him the happiest man alive at one time. I will never understand this.

But one thing that I read throughout all this wisdom, and have read since my own BD in 2023 is that you have to focus on you and your kids only, you have to matter more than he does now, (when you love your spouse you always put him first and it's a hard habit to break), and you can change your mind anytime. Sometimes I don't speak to him for weeks because I need that space and other times I am able to talk to him for 20 mins or so on a video call about logistics and important details ab family and it's warm and I feel encouraged. (temporarily, it's always temporary)

But do what feels right for you at that time. It sounds like you are doing all the right things!

[lostone]

I just wanted to check back in and thank everyone again who has taken the time to reply to me.  I've been sitting deeply with all your advice.

I think I understand what radical acceptance is for me more and more in the 10 days or so since I posted here.  I don't want to move ahead too fast or fool myself that I'm further along than I am. But I've been thinking a lot about something a friend once said to me: 'when people show you who they are, believe them'.   So even if the words coming out of his mouth are "I'm not sure", the behaviour is "definitely not". That's all I have to work with because that is the reality on the ground.

I am remarkably resilient and emotionally aware I think. I've done a LOT of healing work on myself the last 8-9 months.  Maybe it's all been working towards acceptance. Acceptance isn't agreement, or forgiving, or even necessarily being at peace (yet). But it means understanding what I'm working with and meeting it where it is.

There are also a lot of old friends coming out of the woodwork and telling me that they always thought there was something off, but that they focused on the good qualities of my husband because I had chosen him as my person.  However,  now they are saying that yes, they can see how he has come to the place he is.  I am confronting unlearning and unwinding the last 17 years of my life and looking at it with fresh eyes. How much did I accept as normal. How many times I was told that he had these problems with nobody else in the world and therefore the problem was mine (and now people are telling me yes they absolutely did have these problems with him but didn't tell him because they just weren't that close). How many times did he say something that casually normalised unkindness - even towards the kids - where I am now thinking, hang on, that's not how I want to engage with the kids.

Maybe radical acceptance ALSO means opening up my eyes clearly to the past and realising it was not quite as I had talked myself into believing this whole time.

[UrsaMajor]

Maybe radical acceptance ALSO means opening up my eyes clearly to the past and realising it was not quite as I had talked myself into believing this whole time.

This is also a stage that we, as the LBS (Living Better spouse) tend to go through.

Were our marriages perfect? No but none are - EVER. The "perfect" marriage doesn't exist because it is a relationship between two imperfect people.
Were our marriages "good?" They were (for the most part), at least in our view until they weren't anymore (in the view of the Mid-Lifer). Of course, the Mid-Lifer tends to revise history so they were NEVER happy and the ENTIRE marriage was nothing but a shambles and pain and blah blah blah.
I would caution you, however, to also not go down the road of revisionist history (this is also something that the LBS can get caught up in - finding all of the negative aspects and asking themselves "Why didn't I notice that? Why did I accept that? Why did I put up with that?"etc, especially when external entities come back and tell us "Oh yeah, we knew there was something off but we didn't want to say anything."
Those external entities can also be blowing smoke up our collective butts in the idea that they are "supporting us."

Our marriages had good points and not-so-good points and it is important for our own lives and our own healing to see both the good and the bad and not just white- (or black-) wash the entire marriage. Remember the good, forgive (when you can) the bad and accept the present as it is.

Like you said, his words ("I don't know.") are not matching his actions/behaviour ("definitely not") so the old adage comes to mind - "When dealing with a mid-lifer, believe NONE of what you hear and only about 35% of what you see until the actions become consistent. Consistent actions (with the emphasis on "consistent") are what is probably REALLY going on inside the fog....."

Anything else is just more
 

[KayDee]

I was going to write something very similar to UM. It is a positive part of the journey to reflect and yes, sometimes we swing too far in one direction but you will find your equilibrium. We don't get 'over', we go through. And on the other side, it's different but good.