Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: rvles1913 on June 16, 2021, 01:17:25 AM

Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on June 16, 2021, 01:17:25 AM
Hi. New to this forum. My husband has been going through a midlife crisis for a year now. I don’t think he even knows that he is in a midlife crisis. Things were ok but then nearly 6 months ago he out of the blue started treating me like a stranger and stopped sharing the bed with me. Zero affection or anything for nearly 6 months. I’m going crazy.
I don’t know whether to tell him that he’s having a midlife or if that will make my situation worse?
Any advice would be great. I have no one to talk to. Feel so alone. Would love any kind of response.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: UrsaMajor on June 16, 2021, 03:14:20 AM
Hi riles,

You know the old saying "Loose Lips Sink Ships?"  It is similar to telling a midlifer that they are having an MLC.... you can just as well
(https://media.giphy.com/media/443fTuPrwLZhg7qaQO/giphy.gif)

Advice?

Detach your emotional well-being from his crisis
Secure your own financial security (and that of your kids if applicable)
Do your own mirror work as needed
Discover yourself again as opposed to what you may have mutated into in the course of your marriage
Let the Mid-Lifer dangle in the breeze and let him get on with HIS crisis
Just like being in a plane, put on YOUR Oxygen Mask first and THEN help others around you (as needed)
It is HIS crisis, NOT yours, you can do NOTHING to help him out of it, move him along in it, make it milder or easier or anything else... This is 100% HIS responsibility ...
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on June 16, 2021, 03:46:43 AM
Thanks for the reply UrsaMajor.
Yes we have a 7 year old daughter, who doesn’t really know what’s going on yet. She’s been sleeping in the master bed with me while husband has been sleeping in her bed, the nights that he is home. But she just thinks he is being nice by letting her sleep with me :(
He left me out of 2 pretty big family events this year already. A wedding and my step daughters 18th birthday. So our 7 year old was left out of those 2 because I don’t really want her knowing what a prick he is being.
About 4 months ago he said we need to talk and he told me he didn’t want to live like this and said he would leave. But he hasn’t left yet. He is still living here. I still make dinner every night. We live here with our daughter and his daughter and her boyfriend and their baby. The baby is what kicked him into the midlife crisis, because his daughter was 16 when she fell pregnant. It all started from there. So anyway, I still make dinner as usual, I pack his lunch for work, I do his washing. Nothing has changed on my part. And mainly because I am protecting our daughter.
Since he went totally cold nearly 6 months ago, he has been leaving the house of a night, getting picked up and doesn’t come home til morning, like 3-4 nights a week. He leaves after dinner. Obviously an affair is in my mind but I also don’t think that’s true. For one, he leaves the house dressed in his oldest ugliest Kmart clothes. And I honestly think he’s lost his sex drive. We were having sex up until and during December and to be honest he could hardly keep it up. See the midlife made him start smoking again and I think that’s affected his performance. We were having a lot of sex in the first few months of his midlife but he struggled, and it wasn’t because of me. So I honestly don’t think he’s sleeping with anyone. There is a possibility of drugs. He used to do drugs before we got together. Anyway. I know everyone will straight away say affair and that’s fine but I honestly think he’s lost his sex drive completely. They say that can happen in midlife too.
I’m just so lost. Christmas is coming up and I am dreading our daughter finding out that he doesn’t want me at his family Christmas. I just really want him to work it out before then because she will be devastated.
I have been looking after myself. I have changed significantly, for the better and I know he has noticed that. I have to stay strong for our daughter. He’s pretty much left me as a single parent to her. He may still be around for dinner and stuff but he’s become a terrible father compared to what he’s always been to her and to his 3 older kids. He was an amazing father to his 3 older kids and now our daughter has lost him because he’s just checked out.
I randomly see the real him. He will randomly say something to me that is the real him. He will randomly call me by my pet name. Little parts of the real him still show.
At the start of the year when he first went totally cold on me it was really bad. Like he wouldn’t even speak to me or look at me. He’s gotten a lot better since then, a lot. But still not good enough.
We have always been a good couple. We have never had a real fight. Ever. And at the end of last year he was reassuring me we will get through this. (He knew he was being mental) then he just totally flipped.
It’s devastating because we are one of those couples who are meant to be forever. Our relationship has always been so easy. We are so the same, still are. If his 16 year old daughter didn’t get pregnant we’d still be perfect :(
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: UrsaMajor on June 16, 2021, 05:02:35 AM
Quote from: riles1913
If his 16 year old daughter didn’t get pregnant we’d still be perfect :(

Do NOT count on this... If it wasn't his daughter getting knocked up, it would have been some other event that triggered... A Mid-Lifer is like a
(https://media.giphy.com/media/11yYPTIHizUe7C/giphy.gif)
looking for a place to blow up....

Likewise, the AD (Affair Down) is a SYMPTOM, not a cause,.  If it wasn't THAT particular OW/OM, it would have been a different one.

However, it sounds like, at the moment, he has his cake and is getting to eat it as well... He is leaving the house after dinner and coming back in the morning so he is spending the night SOMEWHERE... You don't think he is doing the shag-nasty with anyone but the question remains "where is he spending his nights?" The "with whom" part is actually irrelevant as it is NOT with you and your daughter. But you are the one doing his laundry, making his lunch, making his dinner... Why?  What benefit do you get from that?

He wants to live a single life of going out when he wants and coming home when he wants? Fine! He can do that but he is NOT living at "Hotel Mama" so the other stuff that comes as part and parcel of being a family (meals, laundry, etc.) is NOT part of the deal... He wants to live the single life,? Then he gets the FULL responsibility of a single life.

Yes, I know exactly what the first thought is... "But that will drive him farther away." He is ALREADY GONE! You are living with a Bug in an Edgar suit (Men in Black reference - you know.. this guy - )
(https://media.giphy.com/media/THljBtiuQ8Twfh8bhn/giphy.gif)
or a Body Snatcher....

But right now, he has all the benefits and none of the responsibilities and responsibility and accountability are 2 things that the Mid-Lifer hates with a passion... They want to have their little fairy-talle world that is full of pink cotton candy clouds, puppy dogs and unicorns that run around and fart clouds of rainbow glitter... They are after their next shot of "happy" because they have NOTHING inside that can fill that empty aching void (that we knew nothing about but that we filled for them until we couldn't anymore... )

You daughter may only be 7 but  kids are a lot more perceptive than we'd like to give them credit for. My son was 9 and my daughter 5 when their mom went off the rails and dived into the tunnel. D(now 10) didn't get the picture but S(now 14) most certainly did. The fact that xW is a wallowing low-energy Mid-Lifer has also played a positive role in that we are able to co-parent relatively well. Since I live about 15 minutes away from them, S14 is with me 50% of the time and when he is with me, he "commutes" from my place to school and back. D10 comes every second weekend and occasionally other times too... If he has "checked out" as you said, your D7 has most certainly noticed and I assume that SD16 has also felt it...

You are going to end up being the Rock in the storm for them, the stable parent, because MLCH certainly will NOT be - he isn't even capable of it at this point.... any more than he is capable of being a husband...

So, back to my original point.... If you are essentially doing the work of a single mom, why is MLCH being handled as a married H and Father? He wants the single life? He can have it but he does NOT get the fringe benefits of being in a family at the same time... He does NOT get to have all the fun and no responsibilities... He wants to dance, he has to pay the piper...

Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: MadLuv on June 16, 2021, 12:56:07 PM
Hi riles-
My x of 4 months started shutting down and disconnecting. He left and said he just needed to be on his own. He said there was no one else. He also suffered from ED. He left and We divorced right away. He immediately started dating someone. He was in a relationship already via email and messenger. He can not consumate the relationship, yet 7 months and they still are dating and sleep in the same bed on weekends when they see each other. I dont know your financial situation, but my x makes good money and he is involved with a subordinate and she obviously likes eating out, free vacations and him buying her clothes. He now it seeing a urologist I set him up with to figure out his issues. I was still making his lunches and ironing his clothes etc because he has been depressed for years due to the loss of our child and his father shortly after.  This was in 2009. In 2013 oldest daughter married and that seems to be when the MLC started. He has never recovered. 3 emotional affairs and then nov 2020 left and asked for divorce and jumped into this new relationship with a OW 8 years younger than him. Your husband is seeing someone or doing something as a married man he should not be doing. Don’t pamper him. Tell him it is time to move out if he isn't going to talk or seek therapy. This being in limbo is not good for you or your daughter.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on June 16, 2021, 04:06:21 PM
Thanks for the reply. Yeah my husband has seemed depressed for about 5 months now. Before that he was acting more like a teenager. Staying up extremely late, playing childish games like beer pong n stuff with his teenage kids every weekend. It was a nightmare. Then seems like he hit a depressed phase.
He told me there is no one else. If it is another woman he is going to all the time, he makes no effort for her. He leaves the house looking like a complete bum and doesn’t even brush his teeth before he goes. 🤷🏻‍♀️
He has 3 adult kids 25, 20 and 18. They all know that something is going on with us, just our 7 year old doesn’t. I have no idea what he’s told the older kids though, or his family. But there’s no way he’s told then the truth of how everything has gone down and how he’s treating me.
Sometimes I feel like he just wants his normal life back but then other times he’s like a total stranger. Midlife crisis or not, he needs to step up because what he’s done to me and our daughter is just unacceptable. And I know if the roles were reversed he would be telling me to get my $h!te together.
I feel sorry for him. I can see he’s struggling. He doesn’t like hurting me. I still love him, even after everything and I know he loves me, despite what he thinks he feels right now.
Is there anyone on here who has had their husband work through it with them and save their marriage? I’d really like to read some positive outcomes.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: Naverro on June 16, 2021, 08:57:54 PM
Your situation seems similar to mine in ways.  Although, I am in year 2 ( going on 3 real fast).  In the beginning of the crisis my spouse just stopped coming home after work.  He would tell me that he would be home for dinner then come dragging in at 4am the next morning.  I was in complete shock, clueless as to why, and very naive!!  I didn’t believe that my spouse was having a PA and I still don’t (I know stupid, right)?  Although, I do believe he was having an EA.  When he stopped coming home I started checking phone records and I also hired a PI. Found nothing if real importance but he was spending a lot of time with his secretary.  Yes, the secretary that I hired and the one that I felt the most comfortable with (also again very stupid).  It was so far out of control before I realized what was going on that I had no chance of intervention.  I did try!  I told him she goes or he goes.....and he left me.  Just like that!  I know I still sound stupid by thinking it’s not a PA but it’s been 2 1/2 years and their still not together or having any type of relationship other than hanging out at the bar til 2am.  She is fun and she thinks he hung the moon, financially she has nothing and he can give her everything, why wouldn’t he like her?  She doesn’t have responsibilities, she doesn’t have rules, and there is only validation from her.  That’s not what I was giving him!  Anyway back to what I have learned....that first year it’s so easy to have the anger spill over to almost hate him.  There were nights I didn’t sleep a wink, imagined every bad thought under the moon, cried myself to sleep, and EXPECTED an apology that has never came.  See I didn’t realize that he was in a crisis and honestly I didn’t think a MLC was actually real or that we were old enough for one but that sh”” is REAL!  I did everything wrong  that first year.  Year 2 I realized that if I wanted to mend my relationship and keep it then I had to let the anger go and you have to detach some to do that.   You almost have to stop caring for that to happen tho!  Time heals everything and time makes you realize that you are starting to feel better.  If you feel better then how do they feel?  A whole lot better without you!  Their succeeding at being gone which is scary in itself!   In year 2 I have not spoken the name of the sec, ask him where he is, if he’s coming home, anything in the relationship, and gave him space.  When I detached some then he opened the line of communication somewhat.  I try to thank him for the things he gives me, appreciate the time he spends with me, and absolutely never speak of the past.  I still have a long way to go but I have learned that anything negative gets me absolutely nowhere!!  I try to validate him, respect him, and not question him.  I’ve always been the distancer but I have become most defiantly the pursuer!  There is absolutely no reasonable reasoning with a spouse in crisis!!
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: Naverro on June 16, 2021, 09:20:53 PM
One more thing, when mine and my spouses troubles began the EA wasn’t an issue.  She was an aftermath.  She wasn’t the cause, she was one of the effects. He had many long nights of back porch drinking, staying out after golf games til early morning hours, lots of distance with me, and lots of anger towards me before she ever became a problem.  She is just the good time that I wasn’t. She just made the entire situation way worse.  We had problems for about 6 months before she became a problem.  Either way when he left, he didn’t wanna be at home with me.  That was never misunderstood!! 
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on June 16, 2021, 09:36:55 PM
Thanks for your reply. Yeah well it took me a while to realize it was a midlife crisis. I just thought he was being a d!ck head and kept asking him to pull his head in. He was apologetic and said he will try. This was last year between like August-November. He kept telling me that we will get through this. HE was saying that to ME. And we were still making love, more amazing than ever. Then it was just like a switch flipped and suddenly he couldn’t even say 2 words to me and suddenly couldn’t sleep in our bed anymore.
I think sometimes that maybe if I didn’t push so much at the start, if I didn’t do this, if I didn’t do that then maybe it wouldn’t have got this far, but sounds like it wouldn’t have mattered.
A little while after I backed off he started to open up a bit more around me and sometimes he’s even his old self for a few minutes at a time.
I told him months ago that I’m not giving up. I told him I’m not interested in being with anyone else and I’m not interested in having to be a single mum to our daughter.
His dad duties have slipped big time. He’s become a pretty average father, who disappears and runs away all the time. It’s pretty sad.
Recently he’s been getting better about telling me where he’s going. He used to just leave and I wouldn’t even know how long for. Well, apart from the usual sneaking out after dinner, I still don’t know where he goes then. I think he’s jamming with people maybe. He’s a musician. I know I probably sound dumb saying that. Everyone else would say affair.
But anyway, he’s been getting better actually telling me where he’s going every other time or if he’s going to his mum’s for the weekend etc.
we still have joint everything. We own a house together and I control the finances every week. I don’t think he’s really interested in knowing about any of the bills. I took that over a while ago. We live week to week so there’s not really extra money for splurging.   
Navarro do you think you will be able to mend things with your spouse? Does he know he’s in a midlife crisis??? I don’t know if mine knows. I doubt anyone else has pointed it out because no one else sees as much as I see.
I really want to work things out with mine. We are the kinds couple that just works so well. Our relationship has always been so easy. We’ve never had a fight, ever and we are just so much alike. Letting that go would be the worst mistake of his life. And the damage it would do to our daughter. I know people say kids bounce back. They’ll be fine. I think life is hard enough and my daughter doesn’t need her dad giving up on us. And he needs to wake up and realize that.
He’s 48 by the way and I’m 38.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on June 16, 2021, 09:40:59 PM
Yeah mine started with the real late nights. And taking up smoking again. From that point majority of what came out of his mouth was a lie too. It’s like he suddenly couldn’t tell the truth anymore.
I told mine several times months ago that I expect him to respect me and not be with anyone else. But who knows. I don’t know why else you’d make this much effort to leave your house every night. I guess teenagers hang out at their mates places nearly every night for no reason, and he has turned into a teenager again. Maybe he’s hanging with another midlifer 🤷🏻‍♀️
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: Naverro on June 16, 2021, 10:14:17 PM
Well I pray I can mend it!  Not sure if your the praying type but I am and I pray a lot for healing and restoration.  I have 2 children.  I’ve did my best to leave them completely out of the equation.  Their aware there is an issue but the more I make it an issue then the more they read into it.  Kids are very observant and they know when something is up but I leave the kids completely out of it and I make their dad out to be Superman.  He has slipped a little on that aspect but I don’t allow them to know that.  I make up excuses for him and I don’t involve them at all.  The kids are never spoke of between my spouse and I because no matter how crummy I feel I do not let them see that or know that so therefore their lives remain balanced and it’s never an issue.  Their lives have been the least effected thankfully.  I don’t hold the kids over his head either or try to make him feel bad for not being able to be the best he can be right now.  He is truly hurting, maybe more then I am.  Our relationship was amazing for 16 1/2 years.  We were a couple actually in love.  Traveled the world, made each other a priority, date nights, we were absolutely perfect.....until we weren’t!  That’s why I was in complete shock!!  I never in a million years would have dreamed that I would be here now.  I woulda bet my life on it!  What our future holds is unknown?  By looking at the positives, there isn’t a new relationship on either part, he still tells me it’s always been me and always will be, I still love him dearly, and things do seem to be slowly getting better.  On the Navi rice side, he’s been gone 2 1/2 years, he’s just now starting to come through his crisis, and there is still a lot left unknown.  Somewhere along the way all I realized that if I was still going to remain then I was going to have to change my whole point of view. I was not entitled to an apology (like all the years before), I was going to have to forgive, this wasn’t just another argument, and that our relationship is never going to be what it was before the crisis.  We are trying to start over.  Oh and I agree with you on the intimacy, something in the crisis weakens it.  Just lately have I noticed a change there to.  I guess only time will tell.  I have prepared myself for the worst and I hope and pray for the best.  I’ve had to swollen my pride and really do some soul searching but I’m in it for the long haul so I guess we will just have to see🙏🏻
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: Naverro on June 16, 2021, 10:21:30 PM
Oh and my husband and I are both 40.  I still have not told mine that I have even thought he was in a MLC!  He would truly flip out if I mentioned that.  Everything is my fault anyway.  He would think I had lost my mind🤯. It took me over a year to figure it out myself.  Every sign, every stage, and every aspect of each stage was exactly my life.  It takes time and reactions to know for sure I think.  It’s not something we can figure out instantly, it takes observations over time. 
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on June 16, 2021, 11:26:08 PM
Yes I have been praying too. I am in this relationship for the long haul. I didn’t commit to him 10 years ago just to have him ditch me like a piece of dirt now. The second half of last year he was in his crisis but we were having amazing intimacy and sending dirty texts etc. I know he’s attracted to me, you can’t fake that and I know that he still loves me but he did try the whole don’t feel the same thing. Love you as the mother of my child but it’s just not the same. I told him I don’t believe that for a second. That was nearly 6 months ago, when he also said he was gonna leave and I pretty much said, like hell you’re leaving without making a single bit of effort to fix this. (This was before I had read a lot into MLC).
The sad thing is I’ve lost his family as well. None of his family have reached out to me, so who knows what he’s told them. And his sister is meant to be one of my best friends, and I haven’t heard from her once.
Our daughter doesn’t know anything’s up. She knows her dad is always disappearing. She knows he doesn’t sleep in his bed anymore but I don’t think she thinks much of it thankfully. He needs to get his but into gear before Christmas. I pray for a miracle.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: OffRoad on June 17, 2021, 09:40:44 AM
Please remember to take care of yourself. You didn't break him, you cannot fix him. The standard LBS has a tendancy to take on responsibility for their mlcer by think "if I'd only jumped through this hoop, or shaken that chicken at the moon, or pole danced in the bedroom, none of this would have happened. It's all my fault!" Except it isn't.  Are there things about yourself you could improve? Probably, but that didn't cause your spouse to go off the rails.

Also please be sure you are protected. Keep some money in a separate account for emergencies, do not sleep with him if he suddenly wants to unless you are ok risking getting an std (affair) or something else (drugs and needle sharing if that's a possibility ). Whatever he is doing at night could be detrimental to you and your family's health, well being and /or safety, so be especially cautious.

You might want to see an attorney to find out what your alternatives could be if he just ups and leaves. Or gets arrested for doing something illegal. The problem with not knowing where he is or what he's doing is that he could be doing anything. Maybe he's sitting in the park, seeing what homeless feels like. Maybe he's selling drugs. You don't know.

Take care of you and your D.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: Kimber on June 17, 2021, 03:23:43 PM
Have you seen anything that makes you believe he could have slipped back into drug use? I am guessing we are talking about something harder than pot.

If he is using drugs, he'll be able to hide it for a while, then his behavior will begin to get more erratic as it gets more of a hold on him.

The idea that he isn't cleaning up before he takes off, makes me think not another woman but, maybe, spending time with drug people.

I would definitely be looking at his spending and any sign of drug use (paraphernalia, foil, missing spoons, whatever).

Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on June 17, 2021, 03:53:54 PM
Hey. I am not sure if he’d go back to hard drugs but definite possibility that he could be getting stoned with whoever.
Yeah the way he looks when he leaves makes me think no, not another woman. To be honest I don’t think he’d want to get into something with someone else. And he most definitely doesn’t want any more kids. So even tho he’s not himself I still think he would be very careful about that. I honestly think the sex drive has gone completely.
Title: Re: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: OldPilot on June 18, 2021, 05:32:54 AM
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on June 20, 2021, 03:43:59 AM
Thanks everyone for the advice.
I am pushing through. He is still doing the right thing 50% of the time. He is still around. Just stopped being a loving husband. And man do I miss having him in our bed.
It’s incredibly hard, especially when it comes out of nowhere, and especially when it comes immediately after such intense connection between us.
I wake up to a nightmare every morning.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: FaithWalker on June 28, 2021, 05:15:19 PM
Do you happen to know what happened in his first marriage?  How long was he divorced before you guys met?  And how long was he married for?  What is his relationship like with his first wife?  Do they get along? Do the kids live with him 100% or do they go back and forth? 

Any childhood trauma that you know of with your H?

As far as the not fighting, that's pretty common with many lbs here.  But can be very common in spouses who are conflict avoidant.  Unfortunately, not fighting isn't a sign of a perfect marriage, in many cases, it can be the opposite.  The book "Co-Dependent No More" is a very good one to start with.

I'm sorry that you have found yourself here due to your spouses MLC, but, it is a very good place to be, with people who understand.

Acorn's is a good thread to read, as she had a live-in MLCer and they are now reconciling.  She and her children had to basically treat him like the eccentric Uncle that lived in the attic.  But there were also many things she did not tolerate from him.  If you have some time, I suggest you check out her threads. 



Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on June 29, 2021, 04:40:03 AM
Hi Faith, thanks so much for your reply and advice. His first marriage I’m not 100% sure what happened with them but they ended up hating each other, she may have cheated also. I’m not too sure, never asked. I think they had been separated at least a couple of years before we got together. The kids were mostly with us. With her just sometimes. The oldest child however was with us 100%. The younger too with her sometimes. The kids are all adults now however. The MLC started just as the last one became a grown up. Perfect timing to make it look like he just had me around to help out with the kids but doesn’t need me anymore now that they are independent.
I don’t know of any childhood trauma. He had a pretty good childhood.
We have always had a good relationship. The total flip on me isn’t right and I don’t know how know one else sees how messed up it is. You don’t love and cuddle and be all over your spouse one day and treat them like your worst enemy the next. It’s crazy.
Thank you for the reading suggestions. I will definitely have a look.
Right now just hanging by a thread, trying to look after my daughter best I can, mainly on my own.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on June 29, 2021, 04:18:25 PM
Can anyone explain this. So at the start of March my H said he didn’t want to live like this anymore, said we need a break and that he was going to leave coz he had somewhere to stay. And I guess easier for me to not have to pack up and leave coz I have our 8 year old. He pretty much did the whole love you but not in love blah blah and said he thought this whole thing couldn’t be fixed.
I told him all the reasons he shouldn’t be just walking away from us, etc. but I was still expecting him to pack up and leave the next day. He still hasn’t left. Does this mean he actually wants to see if we can work it out or what? I still don’t know and obviously can’t ask.
The I love you but not in love with you came not longer assuring me he loves me and we will get through this and cuddles in bed and months of the most amazing s** we’ve ever had. So I honestly don’t believe that he doesn’t feel the same.
He’s always been an incredibly affectionate guy. Now he’s like a robot. I miss him.
Since the start of the year he very swiftly stopped letting me come to his family functions. So far it has gone unnoticed by our daughter but if he keeps it up it’s going to destroy her. Even though she knows we don’t sleep in the same bed anymore she still thinks everything is fine.
Title: Re: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: Ready2Transform on June 29, 2021, 04:27:55 PM
MLC is the explanation. :( I wish there was something else, honestly. All of the things he needs to do are things he will listen to from you, and if his family are actually enabling him and cutting you out too, that's a good sign of where the FOO issues come from.

It's all so familiar. It was July 2011 when I got a similar spiel about how "I don't feel the same way about you anymore..." and he wanted to move out. He too stayed (for about a month) and I found his attempts to "try" with us were all just giving me false hope. So in that regard, I would warn you to not perceive this as him keeping a commitment with you. If there is any way you can take the focus off of him, or at least put effort in that direction, you will be better off. Believe me, I know especially when they are in-house it is the hardest thing ever to do because you just want to fix it and get reassurance to calm the anxiety. And know that we absolutely believe you! The love he expressed, the intimacy you shared, the life you built - we know that it was very real, that you are perceiving the change correctly, and that this is all nuts on HIS part. Feel absolutely validated in that. We have been there! I just wish it made the outcome predictable, but know that there is nothing that could improve your situation more than you focusing on yourself and your healing from this huge trauma. Even if he changed back tomorrow - you would still have to heal yourself from this experience. So there is no time wasted in it, and no goals diverted. Big hugs.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on June 29, 2021, 11:15:20 PM
Thanks for the reply. I have already changed myself drastically and I am 100% focusing on myself and daughter.
About his family. I have no idea what he has told them so it’s hard to tell if they really are just all terrible people after all, or if he’s just told total lies and put the whole thing on me. I don’t know but it sucks.
How have they not come up with a medication or something for this crap by now? It’s ridiculous that someone can flip out this much and literally overnight.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: UrsaMajor on June 30, 2021, 01:21:24 AM
Can anyone explain this.
<...snip...>
Even though she knows we don’t sleep in the same bed anymore she still thinks everything is fine.
Can anyone explain what green tastes like? You'd have a better chance at that than to explain the seething mass of whatever that is going though the Mid-Lifers brain at any point in time.

If he is excluding you from family functions and no one from the family is contacting you or their granddaughter/niece/cousin, that would be an indicator that a) the FOO Poo is deep on that side of the fence and they are either not paying attention or don't really care, b) he is spreading a lot of fertilizer in the form of male bovine excrement, or c) some combination of the above.

R2T has it right though in terms of NOT reading ANYTING into his actions (like staying at home).  Some MLC'ers simply can't make the transition and actually physically leave, others won't because it means they have to take responsibility / be accountable for actually making the move.... In the latter case, they are desperately trying to maintain the facade that it is ALL the LBS's fault that they had to leave (<victim mode on>"See, she really IS a horrible person and she kicked me out!"<victim mode off> while not divulging that they were doing the mattress mambo with someone else the whole time etc.)

Like she said, the focus can not be on the Mid-Lifer unless you really like to stick the Barbecue fork in your nose - repeatedly...
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on June 30, 2021, 05:38:09 AM
If mine makes the move by leaving, he is losing everything all over again. He’s already gone through that once with wife #1. Started from scratch with me. He’d be an idiot to do it all over again.
As dumb as it sounds I am just still being my amazing self, right in front of him. Hopefully one day he wakes up and realizes what he’s risking by being a selfish @$$hole.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: UrsaMajor on June 30, 2021, 06:11:41 AM
If mine makes the move by leaving, he is losing everything all over again. He’s already gone through that once with wife #1. Started from scratch with me. He’d be an idiot to do it all over again.

Yep... That won't make a dent in that MLC Skull of his... As long as he gets his dose of feelz...
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: Nas on June 30, 2021, 07:34:43 AM
Can anyone explain this. So at the start of March my H said he didn’t want to live like this anymore, said we need a break and that he was going to leave coz he had somewhere to stay. And I guess easier for me to not have to pack up and leave coz I have our 8 year old. He pretty much did the whole love you but not in love blah blah and said he thought this whole thing couldn’t be fixed.
I told him all the reasons he shouldn’t be just walking away from us, etc. but I was still expecting him to pack up and leave the next day. He still hasn’t left. Does this mean he actually wants to see if we can work it out or what? I still don’t know and obviously can’t ask.
The I love you but not in love with you came not longer assuring me he loves me and we will get through this and cuddles in bed and months of the most amazing s** we’ve ever had. So I honestly don’t believe that he doesn’t feel the same.
He’s always been an incredibly affectionate guy. Now he’s like a robot. I miss him.
Since the start of the year he very swiftly stopped letting me come to his family functions. So far it has gone unnoticed by our daughter but if he keeps it up it’s going to destroy her. Even though she knows we don’t sleep in the same bed anymore she still thinks everything is fine.

I'm so sorry.  For me, it was 3 months between "I love you but I'm feeling detached from life and I don't know why" to him waking up hungover one morning - on the Fourth of July, no less (taking the term Independence Day a bit far  ::)), literally throwing his clothes in bags and leaving.  During those three months, I saw every single thing as a sign.  Oh, he came home from golf (so he said) with a sandwich only for himself...but then he cut his sandwich in half and offered me half...he loves me.  All day, every day, looking for signs, it was exhausting and demoralizing.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but it may help you to think of this situation strictly in terms of you and your life and needs, and just ignore any of the "what part of MLC is this" for now.  It won't matter either way, whether he follows the same script as others or not.  If he's cutting you out of family functions and talking about leaving, prepare for that and do whatever you need to do to for you and your daughter to be okay when that happens.  I know it's hard, hang in there.
xx
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: LBS_Les on June 30, 2021, 01:57:39 PM
If mine makes the move by leaving, he is losing everything all over again. He’s already gone through that once with wife #1. Started from scratch with me. He’d be an idiot to do it all over again.
As dumb as it sounds I am just still being my amazing self, right in front of him. Hopefully one day he wakes up and realizes what he’s risking by being a selfish @$$hole.

Sorry you find yourself here, and in this position.

Sadly, a logical person can share this sentiment or perspective of yours, unfortunately, the mind of an MLCer is so convoluted, they dont know up from down, left to right, right from wrong.

Expect the unexpected, and definitely, the teenage temper tantrums.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on June 30, 2021, 05:15:05 PM
He is mostly calm which is good. He went through the crazy act like a teenager every night getting real drunk playing immature drinking games with his kids. That’s before he turned on me. Now he just seems depressed all the time, which is sad because we could be moving forward with a happy life, but instead we are stuck in this boring limbo.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: Treasur on June 30, 2021, 10:32:12 PM
If mine makes the move by leaving, he is losing everything all over again. He’s already gone through that once with wife #1. Started from scratch with me. He’d be an idiot to do it all over again.
As dumb as it sounds I am just still being my amazing self, right in front of him. Hopefully one day he wakes up and realizes what he’s risking by being a selfish @$$hole.

This detachment thing we all bang on about....to the point sometimes where newbies probably hate the word lol? It means changing what you wrote to something like this...”if mine makes the move by leaving, I am going to do what I can to make sure I and my child don’t lose everything because of his actions”....

Have you taken some legal advice?
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: Nas on July 01, 2021, 05:45:16 AM
He is mostly calm which is good. He went through the crazy act like a teenager every night getting real drunk playing immature drinking games with his kids. That’s before he turned on me. Now he just seems depressed all the time, which is sad because we could be moving forward with a happy life, but instead we are stuck in this boring limbo.

I’m so glad for you and the kids’ sake that he is calm. But I would just caution again against watching and looking for “depression,” “tantruming,” “limbo”… Any of the so-called MLC behavior or stages. This can easily fool you into thinking that he’s in a place that he’s not really. It’s great that right now he’s in a mostly calm place, and I would use that to your advantage to get yourself and your kids in a place where you will be okay no matter what he does.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: Father5 on July 01, 2021, 11:04:13 AM
If mine makes the move by leaving, he is losing everything all over again. He is  already gone through that once with wife #1. Started from scratch with me. Head be an idiot to do it all over again.  Please protect yourself. I don't know exactly how many people are on this site but every one of them is a shinny example of a spouses doing EXACTLY that. If not for yourself do it for your kids. Know exactly were you stand financially in court in regards to support and alimony. Knowledge is power.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: beyondblessed on July 01, 2021, 04:06:55 PM
If mine makes the move by leaving, he is losing everything all over again. He’s already gone through that once with wife #1. Started from scratch with me. He’d be an idiot to do it all over again.
As dumb as it sounds I am just still being my amazing self, right in front of him. Hopefully one day he wakes up and realizes what he’s risking by being a selfish @$$hole.


He's already done it once before you, so there's absolutely nothing to stop him from doing the same to you, as he did to his ex-wife.   Be smart and proactive about this.  Protect yourself and your daughter.  Get your ducks in a row before he decides to fly the coop.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: 5hilmerton on July 01, 2021, 05:54:43 PM
Following your journey RVLES
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: FaithWalker on July 02, 2021, 06:59:31 PM
The total flip on me isn’t right and I don’t know how know one else sees how messed up it is. You don’t love and cuddle and be all over your spouse one day and treat them like your worst enemy the next. It’s crazy.

Yes, we understand this total flip.  It is crazy and a huge sign that someone is a MLCer in my opinion.  We here have experienced this and can completely empathize.

Continue to take care of yourself, post here for venting, advice, whatever you need.  It's exhausting taking care of kids on your own, I totally understand.  Sending you (((HUGS))).  My kiddos were 10, 13 and 15 when Bomb Drop happened for me and that total flip you speak of was happening.

Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it, if there is someone you can rely on and trust, like a family member or good friend.

After Bomb Drop, my MLCer sent so many mixed signals, made it seem like we should keep what was happening a secret, and I felt totally isolated for the rest of the month.  I finally wised up and reached out to my brother and SIL.  MLCer didn't like that, but it really helped me to have the support.  I didn't know of this place until about 9 months after Bomb Drop.  The kids and I ended up moving in with my brother and SIL for a while, because my divorce was 97 days after MLCer filed.  He was quick to want to end our marriage of 14 years.

To this day I still have moments of absolute and utter shock about the total flip.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on July 02, 2021, 07:57:20 PM
Hi Faith. Thanks so much for your advice. Sorry to hear of what happened with you. It’s terrible. I still can’t believe this is happening. I honestly don’t really have anyone to talk to and I feel totally abandoned not just by him but his entire family. His sister was meant to be one of my best friends but I guess not.
I’m just hoping and praying every day that I’m one of the stories with a happy ending.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: Father5 on July 02, 2021, 08:19:17 PM
Hi RV,

   You have my deepest sympathies. We are all here for you to talk too. I hope and pray that you are one of the happy endings here too.  Please vent and say whatever you need to say here. Just know you are loved and supported.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: FaithWalker on July 02, 2021, 08:41:06 PM
Hi Faith. Thanks so much for your advice. Sorry to hear of what happened with you. It’s terrible. I still can’t believe this is happening. I honestly don’t really have anyone to talk to and I feel totally abandoned not just by him but his entire family. His sister was meant to be one of my best friends but I guess not.
I’m just hoping and praying every day that I’m one of the stories with a happy ending.

Thank you rvles, I am doing much better now and things are actually good without the MLCer around.  I do believe that I will have a happy ending, with or without the restoration of my marriage.  It looks like most likely restoration is not in my future, as my MLCer has remarried, but I do believe that I will still get that happy ending (and joy-filled living in the middle too!)

And you will too, rvles!  You will be a story with a happy ending, regardless of where your journey takes you, and with whom you take it with!   :)
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on July 03, 2021, 08:50:57 PM
Thanks for the support. Feeling pretty lousy today. He should have been home today watching our daughter while I went to work but he just never came home. So I have to drag her to work with me. It happens all the time. He’s become an incredibly lousy parent as well as husband.
How do these MLCers not see what jerks they are being?
 :'(
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: Nas on July 04, 2021, 07:35:36 AM
If mine makes the move by leaving, he is losing everything all over again. He’s already gone through that once with wife #1. Started from scratch with me. He’d be an idiot to do it all over again.
As dumb as it sounds I am just still being my amazing self, right in front of him. Hopefully one day he wakes up and realizes what he’s risking by being a selfish @$$hole.


He's already done it once before you, so there's absolutely nothing to stop him from doing the same to you, as he did to his ex-wife.   Be smart and proactive about this.  Protect yourself and your daughter.  Get your ducks in a row before he decides to fly the coop.

I’m so sorry he didn’t come home and left you scrambling without childcare.

I’ve been reading along with your thread and I’ve commented a few times, but I really feel like I’d be doing you a disservice if I continue to comment without asking some questions because I don’t feel I have enough information to give entirely helpful advice atm.

It really struck me when you said that he went through all of this before with his first wife, that he left everything behind and started from scratch with you. Could you give us more of an idea of what happened in that first marriage? Did his first wife cheat on him? How long were they married and how long were they apart before you two got together? Often what a person did before is very telling of what they’re capable of doing again, as beyondblessed said. He already started over once, and the circumstances of why he started over will give clues as to whether or not he’s willing to do it again. But even then, no one can say for sure, every person is different and we can never know anything for sure.

I am really sorry for the fact that he’s neglecting his parental duties as well. It’s just not fair to your daughter. Seeing what happens to the kids in this situations is always heartbreaking. 💔
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on July 04, 2021, 08:43:35 PM
Hey. Well I’m not sure of everything that happened with them. I know she was a lousy wife and mother and a total b!tc# of a person too. Total opposite of me. I guess they just grew apart. I know he started doing drugs. I think she may have started seeing someone else. What happened there wasn’t like a midlife crisis thing like what’s happening now. I honestly don’t know why they were together in the first place. Nothing in common.
They separated and I think it was probably at least a couple of years before we got together. When I say he left everything behind with her and started over…. She got most of the sale of the house because she said she wanted all the kids full time but then after she got the money she ditched one kid completely and the other ones majority of the time also. So he came out of it with not a whole heap of money, which he quickly blew anyway.
So when we bought a house it was me who put the deposit in, etc because I had a bit of cash saved up.
He hated the whole child support thing with a passion. I don’t know why he would want to do it again. I already told him my kid will be with me all the time. And the way he is behaving right now, he’s not someone I’d leave in charge of a child, because right now he is a child.
He HATED starting over before, with nothing. No money. No house. Why would he do it again.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: Nas on July 04, 2021, 09:15:42 PM
I hate to say it again, but you need to be prepared for anything and everything. Just because he hated paying child support doesn’t mean he won’t leave in order to avoid child support. I can’t tell you the number of people on here whose husbands just left and didn’t bother to pay child support until it was court ordered.  You really need to prepare for any possibility and not just assume that what he didn’t like before will keep him from starting over again. You can’t apply a rational thought process to this.

I see a lot of red flags in your description of his first marriage. The drug use, the blowing really fast through what financial settlement he did get. Please take care of yourself and make sure that you are prepared for him to do anything.

ETA; i’m a very firm believer in the way that a person speaks about their former relationships tells a lot about them. The fact that he told you that his first wife was a b!tc# and not a good person doesn’t speak well for him being able to take responsibility for his own part in the collapse of that marriage. The odds of him reaching a place of personal growth here seem low and if he does look inward at all that process could take a very long time.

Again, I know it’s not what you want to hear and I’m sorry. I’m one cautionary tale but there’s lots of them. I missed a lot of signs throughout my marriage and ended up with what many people agree is one of the most egregiously despicable vanishing MLCers of all time. Put yourself first, and don’t wait until it gets worse.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on July 05, 2021, 05:17:32 AM
I know. I hear everything you are saying.
I’m just still so gutted and can’t believe this is actually happening. He has just turned into such a weirdo. A robot. 100% not himself. How do they not notice that they have turned into a complete loser?
Don’t worry I am looking after myself and will put my daughter and me first. And if he does the coward move of walking out on us, he won’t be getting out easy. Giving up on a marriage without doing any work on it is not okay in my book, midlife crisis or not.
Title: Re: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: marvin4242 on July 05, 2021, 07:51:49 AM
I know. I hear everything you are saying.
I’m just still so gutted and can’t believe this is actually happening. He has just turned into such a weirdo. A robot. 100% not himself. How do they not notice that they have turned into a complete loser?
Don’t worry I am looking after myself and will put my daughter and me first. And if he does the coward move of walking out on us, he won’t be getting out easy. Giving up on a marriage without doing any work on it is not okay in my book, midlife crisis or not.

One of  the hardest thing is to try to understand or wrap our minds around how they change, and their behaviour. My belief is that they completely fracture and become incoherent. They don't make sense internally, neither emotionally, nor intellectually. I really like Ursa Major's version of saying this so I am quoting (hopefully with his permission): trying to understand any of it is like trying to taste green with your elbow. There is no point trying. And I think until we can start letting go of "understanding" and excepting they are NOTHING like who they used to be leads to a lot of pain, confusion and paralysis.

Its completely normal to wonder, to ask. But maybe every time the thought comes up acknowledge it, then try to counter it by reminding yourself they do not make senes. They are disassociated and normal understanding of action and consequence is gone.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: beyondblessed on July 05, 2021, 07:20:22 PM
I hate to say it again, but you need to be prepared for anything and everything. Just because he hated paying child support doesn’t mean he won’t leave in order to avoid child support. I can’t tell you the number of people on here whose husbands just left and didn’t bother to pay child support until it was court ordered.  You really need to prepare for any possibility and not just assume that what he didn’t like before will keep him from starting over again. You can’t apply a rational thought process to this.

I see a lot of red flags in your description of his first marriage. The drug use, the blowing really fast through what financial settlement he did get. Please take care of yourself and make sure that you are prepared for him to do anything.

ETA; i’m a very firm believer in the way that a person speaks about their former relationships tells a lot about them. The fact that he told you that his first wife was a b!tc# and not a good person doesn’t speak well for him being able to take responsibility for his own part in the collapse of that marriage. The odds of him reaching a place of personal growth here seem low and if he does look inward at all that process could take a very long time.

Again, I know it’s not what you want to hear and I’m sorry. I’m one cautionary tale but there’s lots of them. I missed a lot of signs throughout my marriage and ended up with what many people agree is one of the most egregiously despicable vanishing MLCers of all time. Put yourself first, and don’t wait until it gets worse.

Agreeing with all of this.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on July 06, 2021, 06:32:28 PM
It’s horrible waking up every morning, realizing that your life is upside down for no reason. I try not to think about the whole thing too much because it makes me feel way to horrible to handle.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: Nas on July 06, 2021, 06:37:03 PM
I’m sorry. I remember the feeling in those early days.
One day at a time sounds trite, but it’s so true. Do you have an IC?
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on July 06, 2021, 07:48:32 PM
An IC ?
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: Nas on July 06, 2021, 08:16:11 PM
Individual counselor (therapist).
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on July 06, 2021, 11:15:26 PM

No I don’t.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: Nas on July 07, 2021, 06:08:36 AM
I’m a broken record when it comes to the subject, but there really can’t be enough said about the value of having a therapist to talk to. I remember so well the days of waking up feeling empty every day. Wondering WTF had happened. Thinking my world had been turned upside down. I pushed through for a while thinking it couldn’t get any worse and it kept getting worse. And worse. And worse. And WORSE. Life is unpredictable, you don’t know what can happen, but having someone to help you navigate all of the changes and turmoil is beyond valuable.
Here, we can share our experiences and let you know that you’re not alone, but a therapist is someone who can help you figure out why you are feeling the way you’re feeling, what parts of your past it’s connected to and what tools you can use to pull yourself out of it.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on July 08, 2021, 01:41:13 AM
Yeah I know. Honestly can’t really afford a therapist right now. We are still sharing money as always, coz still share house bills etc. nothing has changed there. We have mostly lived week to week moneywise.
Maybe in the future I will get a therapist. See what happens I guess. Still trying to silently convince him that he needs to stay put and work on the relationship.
If nothing has changed by the time Christmas comes I might have to shock him by leaving. A year of this treatment will be long enough. I guarantee he’ll be miserable without me and the little one to come home to every day.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: UrsaMajor on July 08, 2021, 03:43:01 AM
Maybe in the future I will get a therapist. See what happens I guess. Still trying to silently convince him that he needs to stay put and work on the relationship.
If nothing has changed by the time Christmas comes I might have to shock him by leaving. A year of this treatment will be long enough. I guarantee he’ll be miserable without me and the little one to come home to every day.
(https://media.giphy.com/media/ka5dowIgX0DmnZO2T1/giphy.gif)

1) YOU can't "convince him" of diddly-squat, silently or otherwise. He is going to have to come to the conclusion himself
2) It is HIS crisis, you should NOT be the one to leave... He wants to go, let him go. Heck, help him pack but you should stay put if you can for your sake and the sake of your kids... They need stability and moving somewhere else while witnessing dad go off the rails is probably not a great way to have stability... .
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: Nas on July 08, 2021, 05:48:27 AM
Wise advice from UM. I would not give up your home unless you have a very stable new place lined up…And even then, unless you can fully pay for it on your own without any trouble, with a child involved, I’m not sure how it works - it will be part of a separation/divorce settlement and you may find yourself in a financially difficult situation.

My former H and I were not living paycheck to paycheck. In fact, I had so carefully constructed a life that, by my own doing, I would’ve had my house paid off completely by my mid-40s and living my own stable version of paradise. I never treated myself, I drove a basic model car, I lived purposely below my means…and I still somehow managed to blink my eyes and find literally everything I had worked for completely gone in such a short time period it still makes me dizzy to think about it.
If you are living week to week, this should be your first priority because anything can happen and you do not want to find yourself and your child without a back up plan.

I can hear your anger and frustration and we all understand it. The therapy is what helps you sort that out as well because it can consume you. If you have health insurance, even if they won’t cover consistent therapy, they will usually cover a few sessions. Enough to get you started and maybe that therapist can direct you to other resources.

You can’t guarantee he’ll be “miserable without you“ because one, we never know what’s going on inside someone else’s heart and mind (and these guys leave even when they are miserable, they stay gone even if they are miserable, and they get worse in their behavior because they are miserable) and, two, there are no guarantees in this. Up is down, left is right, black is white (and nothing is black & white).
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: OffRoad on July 08, 2021, 08:05:49 PM
I suggest if you have medical insurance you check and see if it covers any kind of counseling if you are considering it. Some do.

You should only move out if your life will be better if you do so. If you are on the place you live, you will still be responsible for payment even if you are not living there. Get your financials lined up and in order. Seeing an attorney can help you. There are many attorneys who will help pro Bono and at reduced rates and most will meet with you to see if they can help you for free or a minimal amount.

Think about you and your little one. I doubt you want to shortchange either of you for your MLCER'S comfort.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on July 11, 2021, 04:58:30 AM
Was an @$$hole last night but then a lot nicer almost normal tonight. Driving me nuts  :-\
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: Treasur on July 11, 2021, 06:31:03 AM
Was an @$$hole last night but then a lot nicer almost normal tonight. Driving me nuts  :-\

This ^^^ is why we call it a rollercoaster
And why we bang on so much about detachment. Probably even more important with a live in MLCer tbh.
Detachment is not about saving your marriage or trying to influence your spouse.
It’s about keeping your own emotional marbles in a bag.
And it is do-able but it takes practice and a bit of time.
What does it mean in this kind of situation? That nothing he does has a big emotional impact on you either way...or if it does, not for more than a few minutes. And some of that is about changing your expectations and the direction of your eyes.
If he is ‘nice’? Ok, means nothing. If he is horrible? Walk away, means nothing. If he is sad? Oh dear, ok, leave him to it, means nothing. If he is nuts? Ok, disengage, means nothing. If you are having a happy day and he is not? Ok, not your problem, get on with your happy day. Vice versa? Ok, not his business, do something to make yourself feel better.

Finding a way to disconnect how you feel from his emotional rollercoaster is essential for your sanity and strength, Rvles....but it usually needs us to let go first of believing that there is anything we can do to influence our spouse one way or the other. To see it like weather essentially....if it rains, pick up an umbrella  :)
Do you believe that yet or are you still trying to fix something?
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: MadLuv on July 11, 2021, 06:45:38 AM
I am only 8 months since my X left, but I filed and did my divorce in 30 days and had to wait 60 for finalizing due to laws, but even though I did not want the divorce I knew I had to protect myself financially. He was agreeable to everything and I had to take it. I realized RIGHT then that if he wanted to be in the marriage or fight for me he would do it whether we were married or not. He signed the papers. He let it go through. Now he has to ride out the journey he chose.

I have said my piece, I have tried to tell him the errors of his thinking and the OW that is using him for his money. He reflects and sometimes has agreed, but this is still the road he chooses to remain on. Move on FOR NOW!! Stay in your house. Tell him to get out. If he comes back make his actions match his words!! If he doesn’t come back then you gained back time in your life you would. Have lost and also your healing is that much further along. This is YOUR time!!! It is all about YOU!!
Title: Re: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: Thunder on July 11, 2021, 06:54:22 AM
Good advice, ladies!   :)
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on July 12, 2021, 09:43:49 PM
I try not to let the little things he does get to me.
He is mostly a pr!ck anyway. Only occasionally will he be a little bit normal.
I just still can’t get over the total turn around. One day all over me and the next it’s like I have some kind of disease and he can’t go anywhere near me. At first it was real bad, like he was seriously like a primary school kid keeping away from another kid who has cooties. He’s lightened up a bit with that tho. I don’t know how he doesn’t see how much of a weirdo he looks like by being this way.
Life really sucks right now. Same stuff every day. I hate where we live. Always have. So has he. I want a massive change but I don’t want it without him.
I just feel like this limbo we are stuck in is never going to end.
He is fully clinging to someone else, might be more than one person. They play music together apparently. I don’t know of any local wannabe bands who need to jam 4-5 nights a week. I also don’t know of any decent people who would be helping a grown man to constantly walk out on his wife and kid.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: UrsaMajor on July 12, 2021, 11:39:50 PM

Finding a way to disconnect how you feel from his emotional rollercoaster is essential for your sanity and strength, Rvles....but it usually needs us to let go first of believing that there is anything we can do to influence our spouse one way or the other. To see it like weather essentially....if it rains, pick up an umbrella  :)
Do you believe that yet or are you still trying to fix something?

Read this again....

As long as you are focusing on his wierdo behaviour, you are NOT focusing on your own healing....
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on July 13, 2021, 02:24:24 AM
I am. But the weirdo behavior is right in front of me.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: beyondblessed on July 13, 2021, 01:06:57 PM
I am. But the weirdo behavior is right in front of me.

You need to find a safe space of your own away from him, even if you still are forced to share space with him.  Treat him as you would a stranger or casual acquaintance and nothing more.  He has proven himself indifferent to interactions with you, so treat him in kind, but make no mistake,  this isn't to "punish" him or manipulate him into "seeing the light", but more for you to protect and preserve yourself from anymore mental and emotional abuse from him.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: UrsaMajor on July 14, 2021, 01:50:17 AM
I am. But the weirdo behavior is right in front of me.

You need to find a safe space of your own away from him, even if you still are forced to share space with him.  Treat him as you would a stranger or casual acquaintance and nothing more. 
Or, as some have put it, the crazy uncle that lives in the attic
He has proven himself indifferent to interactions with you, so treat him in kind, but make no mistake, this isn't to "punish" him or manipulate him into "seeing the light", but more for you to protect and preserve yourself from anymore mental and emotional abuse from him.

(https://media.giphy.com/media/l3fZLxC6KrjxVsW5i/giphy.gif)
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on July 14, 2021, 04:05:57 AM
Tomorrow is my birthday. Will be the most miserable birthday I have ever had. How do you cope on the first birthday in your life that no one gives a crap about you?
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: MadLuv on July 14, 2021, 04:37:13 AM
Rvles-
I just had my bday and 30th anniversary same week. I had my sister come visit. Asked my adult kids to go out to eat. Spent the day lounging in a pool.

My X emailed me first thing in morning from his work email “ wishing you a happy birthday” It almost ruined my day, but I brushed it off and just relaxed. It was an ok day. I had built it up to be the worst and so when it was just OK it ended up seeming the like a pretty good day

H-54
W-58
Married 7/6/1991
Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 deceased
Moved out for space-jan 2018
BD1-march 2018 found phone
EA ow1-49
EA-ow2 57
EA- ow3 58
Moved back-Oct 2018
BD2-October 2020
OW-46
Divorce filed-Dec 202O
Divorce final-Feb 2021
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: Treasur on July 14, 2021, 06:25:33 AM
Tomorrow is my birthday. Will be the most miserable birthday I have ever had. How do you cope on the first birthday in your life that no one gives a crap about you?

You spend it with people who DO....friends, kids, even a pet lol.
And if that isn’t possible, you treat yourself with great kindness and remind yourself that one person is not every person on the planet  :)
Happy birthday, rvles  :)
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: Nas on July 14, 2021, 06:45:26 AM
My first birthday was like 3.5 weeks after he moved out. I hadn't yet told my friends what was going on but they knew we were separated. I tried my best to have fun but it was really hard.

So don't beat yourself up if you can't force yourself to have a great day, but try to aim to have a good day. Do something you love to do, eat something you love to eat, if you can, be around people who love you, call someone you love. He's not the only person in the world, so if he isn't there, you still matter and your birthday is still a day to celebrate.

Happy birthday, rvles.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: UrsaMajor on July 14, 2021, 07:11:27 AM
Tomorrow is my birthday. Will be the most miserable birthday I have ever had. How do you cope on the first birthday in your life that no one gives a crap about you?

I took my kids and met with a group of colleagues at a local Mexican restaurant and had a nice afternoon.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: OffRoad on July 14, 2021, 03:59:16 PM
Tomorrow is my birthday. Will be the most miserable birthday I have ever had. How do you cope on the first birthday in your life that no one gives a crap about you?
To be honest, I've never had a birthday where no one gave a crap about me. There are way too many people I know for that to happen. Do you have any of those, either here or locally where you are? Maybe you could talk to one of them, or lots of them.

But if you don't happen to have anyone that you really want to hang with right now (and I've had those special days), I made myself Pepperidge Farms Apple Turnovers for my birthday one year. I hadn't had those for over ten years. Go for a drive, especially if there is a place where you can watch people.  Enjoy a favorite craft. Take the day off and sleep in until noon. If you like to hike, go for a hike (fresh air always makes me feel better). Is there anything you want to do that you haven't done that you might do?  Oddly enough, some of the dopiest things give me joy: Cleaning my keyboard; repairing the ice maker; coming up with creative ways to get my huge trash can out to the curb since I need both hands for either walking sticks or my off road walker (I can't walk without them) which leaves no hand for the trash can (yes, I DID find a way, with a set of tool belt suspenders); organizing my extension cords; cleaning out my closet.  Sometimes organizing and clearing out feels really good (when it's your choice and not forced upon you). My newest diversion is casting rapidset cement into soap molds and making rocks, then painting them. Little cement duckies in various colors. It makes me smile, it's so silly.

If you can find one small thing that gives you joy, it will lift your spirits.

Of course, there is also something to be said for curling up into a ball, listening to sad music and crying your eyes out, too. (I've also had those special days).

I wish you a Birthday filled with whatever joy you can muster! 
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: Curiosity on July 14, 2021, 04:30:49 PM
So many great words of wisdom here. I particularly appreciate OffRoad’s acknowledgement that sometimes self-care consists not of finding joy, but instead allowing yourself the space to have a good cry. Whatever you need, whatever will make you feel cared for - that’s what your birthday should be about. Ideally, that’s what every day is about, but we all know that life sometimes makes us put our focus elsewhere for a while. But whatever you do, please know that you aren’t alone. If you have a local network of people, treasured pets, or activities that bring meaning to your day, that’s great. But you have this community, and you are appreciated and valued here - and you are working toward learning to value yourself independent of your h or anyone else, and that is among the most valuable lessons because it is fully within your control.

Wishing you a happy and meaningful birthday.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on July 14, 2021, 04:47:19 PM
Thanks for all the support. Means a lot to me. 🙏
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on July 18, 2021, 04:11:54 AM
Today has been an ok day. He hasn’t been too weird. Kind of normal. When he’s like that it feels like nothing is really wrong until he doesn’t come to bed with me. And until I realize I won’t be invited to the next family function and my heart sinks. If he can be so relaxed with me like it always was, why do things have to be like this? It’s just so hard to understand.
Is he trying to use the whole telling me he doesn’t feel the same, etc as a way to excuse the way he’s treating me,.. the sneaking around and being so selfish? It doesn’t excuse it and never will. Wouldn’t it be easier to just stay “us” and not turn our lives, our little girls life upside down.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: HeavenlyFocus on July 18, 2021, 06:21:07 AM
Hi Rvles,

Of course it would be easier to work out things and not destroy your family but right now your husband is not rational.  He is broken.

It’s been 1 year since BD and I’ve learned to accept that my W is in her crisis and she needs to figure it out.  I have girls too and all I can do right now is detach and take care of my girls.

I’m preparing myself that my W may never come back.  I’m standing but also looking to the future without my W.  I wouldn’t wish this anyone but it is what it is.

Hope you can detach and find joy in your life while your husband is in his crisis.

HF
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: OffRoad on July 18, 2021, 01:14:23 PM
Happy belated Birthday!!! I celebrate that you were born, but late. You are now just like the rest of my friends and family, I am never on time anymore. An LBS leftover for me.

IMO, he wants to prove you are still "friends" and you just "grew apart". See how non confrontational we all are? It's not his fault at al. I had a live in for 18 months. At the time I didn't realize I was in He!!. But I was, it was a mind spin. See, he is so reasonable it must have been me, except the only people I have ever has issues with are people who were just like him: couldn't make a decision, but when I made the decision they go the opposite of what I decided and try to override me, don't say what they mean or mean what they say, pretend everything is fine when in their mind it isn't,  undermine people behind their back, lie about other people, lie about their own abilities. I could go on. You are looking for logic from a person who is not thinking in a logical manner.

Set your sights on YOU, moving forward. If he gets his head out of his.....fog (as UM would say), then you are in a good place. If he does not, you are in a good place. You cannot lose when you plan for yourself. I, personally, got a job where I could support myself, made sure it had flex time so I could go in at o dark thirty, spend my "lunch" hour getting my son to school at 8 am, get off at 3 to pick him up from school. I lived on nothing so I could save enough to get my D through college. It was two years of automaton up, work, deal with son and school, sleep rinse and repeat, and another year to get my bearings. The 18 months my XH lived here was a nightmare compared to living alone. Live in are not for the weak. In my case, he left anyway, but I was in a good enough place financially to be ok.

I tell you this because just waiting is a fools game, imo. You can stand and still move yourself forward. He will do what he is going to do. You dont get to control it, the only person you control is you. Take care of you and your D, make sure you will be ok if he stays or goes or ends up in a traffic accident. It's hard, it's scary, it's doable. Take a deep breath. You can do this.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: UrsaMajor on July 19, 2021, 03:32:16 AM
Is he trying to use the whole telling me he doesn’t feel the same, etc as a way to excuse the way he’s treating me,.. the sneaking around and being so selfish? It doesn’t excuse it and never will. Wouldn’t it be easier to just stay “us” and not turn our lives, our little girls life upside down.

Rvles, to put it quite bluntly, it would also be easier to taste green with your elbow than to try and "explain" what is going on in that Swiss-Cheese-MLC-Mind of his....

I tell you this because just waiting is a fools game, imo. You can stand and still move yourself forward. He will do what he is going to do. You don't get to control it, the only person you control is you. Take care of you and your D, make sure you will be ok if he stays or goes or ends up in a traffic accident. It's hard, it's scary, it's doable. Take a deep breath. You can do this.

Read this, print this, stick it on your mirror where you can read it every time you look because this is the quintessential "Survival Instructions for the fresh LBS."
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: FaithWalker on July 24, 2021, 08:30:38 AM
Happy belated birthday.  The first one after BD for me was about a month and a half after the D was final.  It was a sad birthday, but it passed, and the next one was better, and the one after that even better.  Now, if no one is planning anything for my birthday, I make plans, and I have a fabulous day doing something I love.

Like OR and Ursa said, you can do this.  It will get easier.  There is a whole lot of suck, but you will get through it.  Things will start looking up.

To this day, I still think it would have been easier if my H had stayed and worked things out.  But the fact of the matter is that he chose his path and it is separate from my own.  Whether this is for now, or a permanent separation, what we LBS do remains the same. 
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on July 24, 2021, 11:25:27 PM
This weekend has been a little depressing. He’s been gone the whole time. He came home last night for like 2 hours, ate dinner with us then left straight after. Why did he come home? Just to shower and get fresh clothes? He didn’t come home to spend time with our daughter coz she got barely any attention.
He comes in like nothing is wrong. How do you not see what a total jerk you look like.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: OffRoad on July 25, 2021, 10:43:02 AM
Well, that is definitely rude, but he does it because he can. There is nothing stopping him from being a total jerk and he doesn't care if he is a jerk to anyone else as long as he gets to do what he wants, imo. That about covers him.

How about you? How is living like this working for you? What can rvles do to focus on herself and her D to make their lives a better place? What kinds of things do you like to do? The best way forward is to concentrate on making your own life better for you.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: UrsaMajor on July 26, 2021, 02:28:11 AM
Why did he come home? To shower and get changed?

Yep. That is about it... Hotel Mama... and like OR said, he does it because he can and there appear to be no consequences for him doing it so why should he change his behaviour? He has all the benefits and none of the responsibilities
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on August 01, 2021, 06:16:27 AM
Another weekend just went by. He was absent for most of it. I’m getting so sick of it. Sick of feeling like I’m worth nothing. Sick of feeling like he’s talking $h!te about me to everyone so that he doesn’t look bad. Sick of the lying and sneaking around behind my back.
I’m so lonely. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have my D. She keeps me from falling apart and doesn’t even know it.
I miss being looked after. Right now I feel like I could die in a car crash tomorrow and he wouldn’t even shed a tear. I know that’s not true but that’s the kind of guy he’s coming across as. A total @$$hole. I just want my husband back. I want my life back.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: Treasur on August 01, 2021, 09:19:53 AM
I’m so so sorry that you feel how you feel right now.
There’s a kind of lonely that leaves you feeling invisible, isn’t there? But you’re not invisible to us. Or to your daughter.

It’s understandable that you feel how you feel.
And there probably are some ways, slowly, to feel a little better
But they will need you to accept that the support, care and kindness you need right now will not come from the direction of your h.
What other family or friend support systems do you have, Rvles? Bc being with good humans who care about us is a kind of self care.
And if you don’t have that, are there ways in which you can just spend a little time with normal humans? Not necessarily to talk about any of this big stuff, but I found when I felt most alone, that a brief chat about nothing with someone in a shop or a stranger whose dog I admired was just enough to get me through a day. Or someone at church. Or a neighbour I didn’t even know well. Someone in a park. Or someone I met while volunteering.
It sometimes takes a village, my friend, when we run out of puff.
I know it’s awful but I promise, it will not always feel the way it does right now.
Meanwhile, a virtual hug from me.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: HeavenlyFocus on August 01, 2021, 09:46:10 AM
Hi Rvles,

I would echo Treasur’s words.  Hope you can focus on your life and find support from others.  I too struggled to accept that my spouse was broken.  In time I have been able to accept the reality and focus on my life.  You will be ok and I wish you all the best.

HF
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: OffRoad on August 01, 2021, 10:46:50 AM
I think I know the lonliness you speak of. I think many here do. All I can say is the only way you can start to heal yourself is to get all of your eggs out of your H basket. He does not define your worth. He defines his own worth, which is not very much at the moment.

Do you have any family or friends? At the point I was BD'D all my close friends had moved to other states. My family didn't get that I was not quite ready to throw in the towel. I joined an off road meetup group, a ghost hunting group, a coloring group. Off I went. These saved my sanity. In my off road group, for a day or weekend, no one was left behind. I was in control of my vehicle, even if I was not in control of anything else. When I was ghosthunting, it was dark, and everyone made sure each other was safe. While coloring we chatted about trips and such. In fact, I met a woman who left her marriage because if she didn't, she was "going to die". I thought it was abusive and it turned out it was just a feeling that she HAD to leave or she would die. Talk about nothing the other party could do to stop it....

But I digress. It's harder with kids but not impossible. Unless and until you stop allowing your H to define your worth, it's going to be miserable for you. You should not have to deal with this, it's horribly unfair. But here you are and I'm so sorry you're in this situation. You cannot control him, you can only control you.

Go ahead, be angry, dust yourself off and define yourself. You are worth a lot.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on August 05, 2021, 11:23:38 PM
Thanks everyone for the support. Another week has gone by. It’s Friday night and he’s said he won’t be home tonight. Has only stayed here Monday night this week and home for dinner past 2 nights. Was actually nicer to me the past 2 nights. Offering to help with dinner and being a little more talkative, less like a robot. But now 4 nights in a row sleeping elsewhere is really hard but I try not to think about it.
I still don’t see how anyone could be encouraging him to be away from his home and wife and child so much. He’s probably hanging out with people I don’t even know and telling them that he’s single. And probably that he doesn’t even have a young child. I don’t know how else you could constantly be away and not look like a complete jerk to whoever you are with.
We’re also in lockdown where we live so he’s not meant to be going anywhere but work and home.
Trying to hold it together. Still keep thinking I’m gonna come home one day and he will have disappeared. Just waiting for the worst. I just want him to wake up already.  :'(
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: UrsaMajor on August 06, 2021, 12:41:23 AM
rvles,

Your Mid-Lifer is telling whoever they are what ever he wants that fits in with his narrative. What exactly he is telling them is, to be blunt, irrelevant. It is NOT your circus and NOT your monkeys. His lies will, sooner or later, catch up. They always do. The Karma bus may take a while to show up but it eventually will. That is why we keep stressing the following:

1) This is NOT a sprint to the finish. It is a long, hard, weary ultra-marathon slog through the mud
2) The more time that you spend wondering where he is, what he is doing, who he is with, etc., the less time you are utilizing to regain your own control over your own emotions and detaching your emotional state from his.
3) You say "I just want him to wake up already." I can certainly understand and sympathize but, people in Hades want ice water to drink too... You have NO control over HIS crisis and no control over the speed he moves through it (assuming he does - there is NO guarantee).
4) If you are in lockdown and he is out doing whoever, wherever, you are potentially putting yourself and your kid(s) at risk unless you are already doubly vaccinated, not to mention putting yourself at risk for other problems depending on your level of physical contact with him when he IS home. Being fully vaxxed will not prevent you from getting COVID but it does seem to ensure that the illness doesn't take such a severe course.
5) He doesn't CARE what it looks like to whoever he is with at the moment. If they do start calling him out on his antics and holding him accountable, he will just move on to another group where he can again "start fresh""  and tell yet a different story...

Question for you... How much rent-free headspace do you wish to keep giving a person who apparently doesn't have all THAT much concern for you or your child?

He's wanting to party like it's 1999 and leaving you at home to keep the hearth warm... You can certainly do that but do it for YOU and NOT for the Bug in the Edgar Suit that is your Mid-Lifer.... Your focus needs to shift to yourself and your child. He is on his own course. You need to ensure that, when his ship runs aground and starts to sink, that it doesn't take you and your child down with it...
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on August 28, 2021, 04:24:58 AM
Not much changed here. He still disappears quite often.
Tonight he was home and he started play fighting with our daughter (8yo). She was hiding behind me and he wasn’t shy to touch me to get to her, usually he would be. He was very hands on for quite a while as they were mucking around. Times like that feels like all is normal until he goes into a separate bed. So unfair. Tonight was the most affectionate he’s been since New Years, and it was just play fighting with me in the middle of him and our daughter. I miss him.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on August 28, 2021, 06:09:43 AM
Hello,

Those brief moments of normalcy mixed in with the abnormal really hit hard. It is because of moments like playing around you and your daughter, you think, "What can I do to extend these moments?" How can I build upon this and bring him back to me?"

The answer is that you can't. Trust me, I tried everything and nothing worked. The more focus and energy you expend on him, the more frustrated, sad, and lonely you will feel. Think more of you and less of him, and even less of you as a couple. Find moments of bliss for yourself. You have endured a lot of trauma of the past year and you need to heal. Healing will not only benefit you, but your daughter as well. It will put you in a place where you can accept any outcome in life as you continue your journey through it.

Your h has made choices and actions that demonstrates his needs and desires come before you and his child. The consequences for his actions are clear, both of you will live on with or without him. Stop putting him on the playing field and move him to the sidelines. He is neither a good husband or a good father, so why allow him to control so much of your mind?

I know this is not easy and living with a MLCer is really hard. However, he really doesn't live with you, he occupies space. So make your world and your space better for you and your daughter. If he wants to be a roommate, treat him like one. Do your thing and don't feel obligated to include him either. After all, he is not big on sharing his plans with you, is he?

I do know the feelings on being invisible. However when we do that, we are handing over all our power and choice to the MLCer. In the end, it is not important whether or not he see you, but far more important that you see yourself.

Have a great weekend, be good to yourself, and heal,

(((((Ready)))))
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: HeavenlyFocus on August 29, 2021, 04:29:54 PM
Hi Rvles,

I second Ready's comments.  I struggled too when my W was a live in MLCer and have now been able to detach in time after she moved out.  I just have gotten to a point where I accepted that she is broken and working on my own life with my kids without her.   It's so hard and I still struggle but I am slowly putting my life back together.

Hope you can focus on you and what you want for your life regardless of what your husband chooses to do with his future.

HF
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on September 09, 2021, 11:09:55 PM
He stayed home for a whole week, which was kind of surprising. Usually leaving after dinner every single night, but he was home Sat night through to today which is Friday. But he’s said he won’t be home tonight, which really disappointed me. I don’t know why he stayed home all week but it obviously felt nice and positive.
The way he was with me this week was a lot nicer too. Bit more talkative and relaxed and even a good handful of calling me by my pet name, which came as a surprise.
I miss him.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on September 24, 2021, 01:12:43 AM
Really struggling lately. He’s so up and down. Some days an @$$hole, tho he would deny that. Other days a lot nicer. Some days says hi when he walks in, other days it’s like I don’t exist. It’s really really hard. He’s constantly going to his “mates”. Even tho we are in lockdown and not meant to be going anywhere. So he’s off going wherever he wants whenever he wants and I’m doing the right thing, staying locked down with our daughter, doing it all alone. It’s such bull $h!+.
How does no one in his family or even friends pull him up on his behavior. Honestly makes me feel sick.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: UrsaMajor on September 24, 2021, 01:37:29 AM
Really struggling lately. He’s so up and down. Some days an @$$hole, tho he would deny that. Other days a lot nicer. Some days says hi when he walks in, other days it’s like I don’t exist. It’s really really hard.
This is why "detachment" is so important. As long as your emotional state is coupled to his, it (his emotional rollercoaster up and down) will continue to jerk you around like this and you will continue to struggle.  Once your emotional state is such that whether he is a walking Richard Cranium with Ears or Prince Charming doesn't really make a huge difference in your emotional state, your own healing can truly take off.

He’s constantly going to his “mates”. Even tho we are in lockdown and not meant to be going anywhere. So he’s off going wherever he wants whenever he wants and I’m doing the right thing, staying locked down with our daughter, doing it all alone. It’s such bull $h!+.
How does no one in his family or even friends pull him up on his behavior. Honestly makes me feel sick.

This is simply MLC Entitlement.... Rules are for others. Until he gets slapped with consequences that he is FULLY responsible for, why does he need to "follow the rules?"

However, and this goes back to my point above, whether he is there or not, whether he is helping you with your daughter or not, whether he is following the rules or not, really needs to be like water off a ducks back for you. His actions are NOT your responsibility, nor are the consequences (unless, of course, he manages to get the 'Rona and bring it home  >:( ) and, to be blunt, his FOO is a big part of the cause of his MLC so expecting them to call him out is like expecting a sieve to hold water. Likewise, he picked his current set of "friends" to enable him, to support him in his behaviour so why should they call him out?
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: xyzcf on September 25, 2021, 06:37:19 AM
Quote
Really struggling lately. He’s so up and down. Some days an @$$hole, tho he would deny that. Other days a lot nicer. Some days says hi when he walks in, other days it’s like I don’t exist. It’s really really hard. He’s constantly going to his “mates”

Their ability to be "nice" to us one moment and "not so nice" the next is truly crazy making. We struggle because we want life to be normal again, with normal reactions and responses from him in our day to day lives. Their actions don't make sense to us, for it is not how we would treat others, let along someone we love.

They deny or will not explain anything and so we are left in the dark and it's very very damaging to us.

He comes and goes as he pleases. He is living his life the way he feels he should be able to and thinks this is ok.

Most people will not call him out. Very rarely will anyone else step in and say anything and it wouldn't matter because he would not listen or change because of anything someone says to him.

His crisis, his journey will unfold in it's own time and there will be times when you think he's coming out of it only to be disappointed when he "acts out" again.

It's very hard for us to comprehend and accept that this person is not the person that we knew and loved. There are many levels for us to work through to be able to heal, to find peace, to live fully again. Having him living with you, in your face all the time and knowing his comings and goings is hard, because you don't feel a part of his life and that is a very sad place to be.

You are able to articulate well how his behavior is affecting you and your mental health. Acceptance that he is not your partner presently will help you as time goes on to cope.

I am sorry  :'( It is really a sad place to be and a hard way to live.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on January 14, 2022, 11:49:11 PM
I haven’t posted for a while. Not much has changed. He is still doing the same old crap. Spending half his life living at a “mates”.
Christmas came and went. Christmas lunch my daughter and I went to my families alone. He just told my daughter he was going to his aunties instead. She didn’t think much of it.
He didn’t end up going anywhere. He stayed home all Christmas Day working in the garage. Christmas night came and instead of taking our daughter to his families and leaving me behind he told me to take her. So he’s missed his families Christmas 2 years in a row, and mine.
A couple of days after Christmas he took off and was gone for a week. Went on a long road trip apparently. With who, I don’t know.  I knew he was about to leave. He always cleans the house before he’s about to skip out on us, and how much he cleans depends on how long he’s planning to be gone for.
No contact on New Years, not even to our daughter. I kept her very distracted while he was gone so she didn’t try call him, coz most the time he doesn’t answer her which isn’t fair for her.
I love him to death but I’m getting so sick of him. I just need him to wake up. I’m so exhausted. I have had to work all through Christmas, New Years and have had our daughter with me the whole time trying to make her school holidays good also. No break at all. Yet he got to just take off for a week with no telling me where he was going or how long for. It’s like he thinks she isn’t his daughter, isn’t his responsibility. Doesn’t have to be around for her.
He washed my car for me the other day. First thing he’s gone out of his way to do for me in a long long time.
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: UrsaMajor on January 17, 2022, 02:10:52 AM
<...snip...> Yet he got to just take off for a week with no telling me where he was going or how long for. It’s like he thinks she isn’t his daughter, isn’t his responsibility. Doesn’t have to be around for her.
It's not "like she isn't his daughter, isn't his responsibility." In his mind, it ISN'T his responsibility. A Mid-Lifer has no responsibilities to anyone other than themselves and the rest of the world can go pack sand...

He washed my car for me the other day. First thing he’s gone out of his way to do for me in a long long time.
Guilt-alleviation 101...

See, they have no association with responsibility or accountability in their conscious mind but somewhere inside, they are fully aware that they are hurting others and may use little things to try to alleviate that guilt = as in "See, I did something nice so that cancels out my being a total a$$hat about everything else...."
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: LeftandBroken on January 17, 2022, 07:32:10 AM
I’m a newbie and have no advice to speak of but want to offer my support and say I’m following along.  I really identify with the MLCer acting like the kids aren’t his responsibility.  Mine has them a couple days a month but everything is on me.  He doesn’t parent, basically just visits with them.  It’s so frustrating. 
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: HeavenlyFocus on January 18, 2022, 09:59:55 AM
Hi rvles,

I am sorry to hear that your H is still in la la land.    So is my XW which is tough to watch but I'm just letting her be.  Moving forward with my life.

Hope 2022 gets better as you focus on you and continue to take care of you daughter.

HF
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: rvles1913 on April 17, 2022, 05:37:56 AM
Thought I would post. Been reading other posts on here lately just so I don’t feel so alone.
Nothing has changed. Well, he’s more of an @$$ I guess. Sometimes he’s nice, mostly a silent @$$hole.
He still lives at home 4-5 nights a week. Mostly totally absent weekend days.
A couple of weeks ago I felt the worst I have felt so far. It was his sons engagement party, and I didn’t find out until the day of it when he said “I’m taking (our daughter) to (sons) engagement party tonight. I immediately felt sick. This is a kid I watched grow up since he was like 12. He chose to live with us full time. I did everything for him, for well over a decade. I know he would have wanted me there. He’s grown into an incredibly decent man and he would never leave out someone who’s done so much for him. He would never.
Anyway, midlife man came home that afternoon and told our daughter they needed to go to the party and needed to leave in like 10 minutes. This was the first she had heard of it. She still doesn’t know how I’ve been treated.
She got so upset. She came to me to say bye, saying she’s being made to go to this party. She had tears in her eyes, on the brink of totally bawling her eyes out. He realized how upset she was but didn’t really understand it. He stood there for an hour trying to get her to go with him. She just kept getting more upset. She didn’t go. She loves her brother, her family, more than anything, but she just did not want to go. I guess she just had a feeling it wasn’t right. And it wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair. It’s so unfair that he does that to her. To me.
Because of him, our daughter was not there and because of him I was not there. I should have been there.
That has upset me more than anything so far. His whole family have turned their backs on me, and 99% on our daughter, because of him. None of them talk to me, none of them have ever asked if I’m okay. They obviously don’t know the extent of his behavior.
His family have always praised him and would still praise him for what an amazing father he is. Pity that can only be said about 3 out of 4 of his kids.
He had 3 kids before we got together. As soon as the last of the 3 of them became an adult, independent of him, he took off. Left me and our daughter behind.
I randomly text him and tell him how much damage he’s doing and that he doesn’t need to keep treating me like a complete stranger. He’ll be a bit nicer for a couple days but then go back to zombie land.
He’s been sleeping in our kids bed since the very start of 2021. Our kid sleeps with me.
We were on fire only days before that. Hot. Amazing. Then he just flipped.
I still can’t get over it. I feel like I’m on another planet.
Sorry for the rant. Thanks for anyone who listens.
:(
Title: My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
Post by: HeavenlyFocus on April 18, 2022, 07:57:33 PM
Hi Rvles,

The collateral damage from our MLCer is so devastating, and I can totally empathize with your situation.  Part of my XW's family has totally take my XWs side while her parents have not and still communicate with me from time to time.

Sometimes I feel like I am on another planet too but I have slowly come to accept that this is her crises.   I just have to let her be and focus on doing my best for me and my kids.

Keep taking care of your daughter and you can still find fulfillment and joy while your H is in his crises.   

HF