[The Moon’s a balloon]

Move forward indeed HF, but memories have a funny way of pulling you backwards.   For the first time in almost 2 years I’m about to head in London tomorrow to go into the office.  Almost two years of working from home.  It’s a pretty lonely trip, heading out of the house at 5 in the morning.  I used to do it every day.  When we first started living together, W would drive me to the station and pick me up.  Then the kids came along, and at least I would get to give them and W a kiss (still asleep) before I left the house and they would be waiting for me when I got home in the evening.  Now, I’m leaving and coming back to a dark empty house.  Ah, those memories.  I’ve lived here now for 3 and a half years.  So for a good year and a half, before the first lockdown, I was going down to London two or three times a week.  But strangely those 18 months barely register in my memory, and I recall instead all those years when it was W and the girls asleep as I headed out to work, knowing I would see them again when I came back in the evening.   The life of the LBS can be so painfully lonely at times. 

[rosetintedglasses]

Yes it’s lonely and loneliness is underestimated Moon.

How has your commute been going then? Have you enjoyed being back in the office?

Rose 🌹

[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi Moon,

Yes the loneliness can be draining at times.  Hope the commutes into the office and spending time in person with coworkers will help with loneliness.   Eventually we have to reach a new normal but it only comes with time.   

HF

[The Moon’s a balloon]

Hi Rose, HF
It was good to be back in the office, though quiet.  I’ve not had to go in again since though.  Not sure when i’ll be needing to go down again.  Things are still pretty routine less at the moment. 

Anyway, sad news, an old dear friend of mine passed away last weekend.  I’d known him for nearly 20 years, longer than W.  Him and his late wife came to W and I’s wedding, and the christening of D11 and D8.  He hadn’t been well for some time, so it wasn’t that much of a shock but he’d been the friend I saw the most shortly after BD.  We hadn’t gone out so much since Covid and by the time we were through the worst, his age was catching him up.  I shall miss him. 
Moon

[rosetintedglasses]

Moon

I am so sorry to hear about your friend. That is so hard and I am not surprised it has hit you, do you have someone to chat with about it? My friend died in 2018 and I chat about it any time I can as I still can't believe it and still feel very sad about it. People rally round family and sometimes friends are forgotten although they often had as much to do with them.

Having someone who has been around since BD will be a big loss, how are you doing now? Did W get in touch about it?

Rose🌹

[The Moon’s a balloon]

Hi Rose
I hope you’re keeping well.  Sorry for not replying sooner.  I had an invite to go away for a short break with the girls so was determined to stay away from the iPad for a while.   The girls have now gone away with W for a break.  My first instinct, faced with a free week, was to give my old friend a ring to see if he wanted to go out for a drink, before I remembered.   

When it happened I let W know.  She gave me a hug and asked about the funeral.  She didn’t ask about it again and I didn’t really want her there anyway.  The FIL did turn up though, as he knew my friend through me, which I thought was really good of him.   

Anyway, the usual oddness to report.  Apart from the hug, W asked me to pick up some flowers to mark her late nan’s birthday, which I was happy to do.  Then a few days letter she sends me a weird text.  Apparently D8 had made her a small cake and left it for her as she had had a stressful time at work.  W texted me to say ‘We have amazing kids. This broke me tonight when I got in.  Love them my whole world.  Thank you for making them with me’.    Where do you go with that?   She also went back on having the girls for the night when we got back from our hols - ‘it wasn’t fair’ apparently.  Although it appears on Facebook she may have been out socialising that night anyway.  As for her love life, well who knows.  This guy, who is supposedly now just a friend, is still around.  He went shopping for the day with W and the girls the other day, and his car is still occasionally on W’s drive. And they still go to dance lessons every Monday evening.  But then the other night, the girls tell me she’s going on a date with someone else!  D11 says she’s given up trying to understand her mum’s love life!   Still cycling I guess, or just looking for that spark (limerence) again in the false hope that will bring her happiness.  Still heartbreaking though.

 It’s been over 4 years now.   I just think she’s far too stubborn to ever admit that she needs to look within to see where the problems are.  I can see her being like her dad, and never really making it through the tunnel.  I think 4 years is long enough for me to have waited. 
Moon

[UrsaMajor]

Moon,

Until she figures out that, no matter how far she runs, how fast she runs and who she decides to hook up with, she is still there and so are her demons and NOTHING will change that until SHE decides to do her own work and change it, nothing will change.... Friend with benefits is just a band-aid on the rotten, putrid infected wound... and so is whoever the new guy is...

[The Moon’s a balloon]

Hi UM
I had hoped that, after 4 years, she might have started to realise that she can’t escape from herself.   As you say, it appears nothing has or is changing.   It’s been such a long time since I’ve really spoken to her.  I still miss her but I fear the W I knew and loved has long gone - never to return. 
Moon

[HeavenlyFocus]

It’s been over 4 years now.   I just think she’s far too stubborn to ever admit that she needs to look within to see where the problems are.  I can see her being like her dad, and never really making it through the tunnel.  I think 4 years is long enough for me to have waited. 
Moon

Hi Moon,

I am at about 2 years and feel the same way about my XW.  Not sure if she also will look within.   You sound good and hope you continue to be the light for your kids.

HF

[The Moon’s a balloon]

So, it’s finally happened.  After almost 4 and a half years since BD, W has asked for a divorce.  It was all very pleasant, she even asked for a hug after we agreed that it was time.  I said I would never regret marrying her, and she said she would never regret having me as a ‘husband and a friend’.  I’ve got to confess though, it has actually come with a sense of relief.  The thing I feared most has now happened, and I don’t need to worry about it anymore.  That’s not saying there isn’t a large dollop of sadness thrown in as well.

Ours was, I will always maintain, a good and happy marriage.  We had a lot of good times together, a lot of good memories and produced two wonderful kids.  That would be enough for most people but not, of course, an MLCer.   Just to prove a point, we started talking about the girls.  I’m a bit worried about D11 who seems to have retreated into herself at the moment.  I suspect it could be the onset of puberty but W was worried that it might be what’s happening to her mum (whose memory is clearly going) or her dad (who is recovering from cancer).  So, nothing to do with D11’s parents splitting up or anything like that.  No, whatever most upsets W, clearly must be the problem with D11!   Still in the throws of MLC.  Perhaps divorce will give us both some sort of release.   i just hope we can keep it civil while it’s going on.