[MadLuv]

I grew up without a father. My dad didn’t even tell people he had a daughter. For me it wasn’t that big a deal. I grew up like that. I don’t want my kids to feel like they were throw aways

Gosh, I have so many thoughts on your situation as I have thrown myself in the “don’t hurt MY ( oh, I mean our) kids more than I should have. I think my own pain from my parents divorce played and plays a huge role on NOT wanting them to suffer the same pain and giving a quick divorce so that they wouldn’t. Breaking the cycle is definitely a part in our heads that is ringing alarm bells!!

 Well, my XH has been far beyond worse than my parents were. I also have done the how can you and why did you’s!!!!! Then..finally I actually apologized to him. I said, I am sorry. I have no right to tell you what to do or how to live. It’s your life. Just know that at some point your kids will stop putting in an effort to have you in their life If you are making no effort to be in theirs. We can’t tell or influence an adult to do the right thing, even when they are acting like a child. They have to grow up. It’s so unfortunate and painful as a parent to have your kids other parent hurt their children. In my case he has even replaced them with his new wifes adult children. They have to see the lavish vacations etc. as my daughter has said, I don’t even see my Dad of 32 years, but her daughters got to go to Disney for their bday. It blows my mind!!” I think we get to a better place with our pain and then have to deal with the pain of our children and grandchildren.

It’s delayed in a way, because we couldn’t handle anything other then our own pain at first. That has actually helped me to see where XH is. He can’t handle his own pain so he is unable to see or deal with anyone elses, even when he is the one creating it. He is just to busy trying to survive. That’s what I tell my kids. He isn’t thinking straight. It’s not about you. My son gets it, but it’s still painful. My daughter now has no empathy for him. I told their Dad it’s been over 2 years. All I can say is you don’t have 2 more to start making some changes, but that is something only you can do.

[Treasur]

I think I learn most when others post with a kind of thoughtful unabashed honesty here. Just as you did, tmt.
Always helps me see the mote in my own eye. 
And comes with the recognition that it takes most of us quite a while to reach a point where we can do that.

There are perspectives here that come along with being a parent and that come from having some kind of data from some contact which are not part of my experience.

I do understand what you are saying. Not having expectations is very important. And I needed that when I was in the thick of this so I could detach and heal and get on with my life.

But I do believe that in life there are certain expectations that are needed. If those aren’t met then I don’t expect anyone to step up that doesn’t chose to but I’m not going to just not say anything about it. They can take what I’ve said about their actions and toss it or they can think about it and we can talk it through.

Im far from perfect myself and I’m sure there are times I don’t treat people in the right way for them. I would certainly appreciate the chance to have a chat about it and time to process it. Some things I might feel are not in my wheelhouse and I can just move on. Some things might be something I want to correct.

I have no expectations from him either way. I certainly hope that he will take a look at these behaviors and want to work through them and have a better way of communicating with d. But I have no expectations that he will. And if he doesn’t then that’s his problem. His opportunities to be involved with family will just become more limited

.

What struck me most is how very healthy and normal this sounds. Almost a kind of compassionate respect. And self-respect. A good normal. Which seems to me to be a tremendous testament to your own recovery and process of healing.

[toomanytearss]

Thank you all for your thoughts and input and for sharing where you are at. Like you Treasur I learn so much from others posts and insights and thoughts. I’ve learned much from you through the years. I sometimes feel like the new me is little pieces of everyone here put together with a beautiful ribbon. I’ve become a better person because of it.

This year has started off not the best for my little family. And today I took my sweet kitty Patches back to the vet because she has not been feeling well. She is almost 17. She has advanced liver disease and an enlarged heart. She has a limited time here now. Her Vet and I went over the options and we are on the same page going forward.
Her Vet was quite surprised she’s still eating and getting around so well. I said well she eats like a pig but she does have some bad days but she always eats. Lol.
I’m very sad and I know it will be the worst not to see her little face waking me up every morning and curling up with me to go to sleep every night. She’s a wonderful cat. But I’m thankful I know where she is health wise so I can make the decision when it needs to be made so that she has no suffering.

My sweet gelding who is 25 I think is starting to have some neurological issues that need to be addressed. He’s always been a sweet boy. A bit studdy sometimes from being gelded late. But never dangerous. He can be a bit pushy if I take my mustang out before him. He likes to be first. But again nothing dangerous. But the last 2 months he’s changed. I can’t pasture him with my mare anymore who he’s always loved. He has been very aggressive to her. Charging after her down the pasture and biting her. And he’s also charged me in the pasture twice. He has never displayed that behavior before. And he’s only doing it to me and Rain.

I’m not looking forward to that vet visit.

But there is always bright spots in the clouds to help us through our sorrows. Sometimes they are hard to find and sometimes they aren’t.

Fortunately I have a few that are easy to find right now and that helps. My little puppy Winter is a bright spot. She has just fit in so well. She is so sweet and funny and also crazy!!!  Lol. My d did not want another dog. Our pet losses have been a lot in the last many years through all this. Having older pets all close in age and losing them so close together is very hard. But d has fallen madly in love with little Winter. She’s even told me she loves her so much and she’s so glad she’s here.

During this time away from work life I’ve gotten to catch up with all my kids and grandkids. That has been really really nice.

And my dear brother will be here 3 times this year including the Christmas holiday. So I’m very excited about that.

When I’m struggling I try to make a list in my mind of all the bright things that I’m surrounded by. So I don’t sink for too long under the cloud of sorrow. It’s not always easy to do that and it sometimes takes a few days or even a few weeks to work through it. And I try to remember if there wasn’t sadness in this world how would we know what joy looks like.

It’s like living on the ocean. You see it every day and you know it’s beautiful. (I grew up in the Florida Keys on the water) But everyday you live there you forget a little bit to really look at it. I guess you sort of take it for granted. And then one day you move away. And then you go back to visit and you’re like omg it’s just so beautiful here. Lol.

Anyway. I’m just rambling because it’s been a tough day.

[Evermore]

Thank you all for your thoughts and input and for sharing where you are at. Like you Treasur I learn so much from others posts and insights and thoughts. I’ve learned much from you through the years. I sometimes feel like the new me is little pieces of everyone here put together with a beautiful ribbon. I’ve become a better person because of it.

...

When I’m struggling I try to make a list in my mind of all the bright things that I’m surrounded by. So I don’t sink for too long under the cloud of sorrow. It’s not always easy to do that and it sometimes takes a few days or even a few weeks to work through it. And I try to remember if there wasn’t sadness in this world how would we know what joy looks like.

It’s like living on the ocean. You see it every day and you know it’s beautiful. (I grew up in the Florida Keys on the water) But everyday you live there you forget a little bit to really look at it. I guess you sort of take it for granted. And then one day you move away. And then you go back to visit and you’re like omg it’s just so beautiful here. Lol.

Anyway. I’m just rambling because it’s been a tough day.

Sad for you TMT to be facing losing more 'family' not too far away. But really love your attitude and completely agree, it's reminding ourselves of all we have to be grateful for that gets us through. I love your first para here. I feel a bit like that too (and you worded it so beautifully). I also have a new 'family member' after losing some pets in the last few years. He's a just-turned-one Border Collie cross (cross all the 'other' working dogs, lol). We absolutely adore him (D22 and I). He brings much joy and entertainment to us each and every day. I'm so glad your little Winter is filling that spot for you as well. I also have horses so I know how disturbing it would be for one to start acting as your gelding is. All I can think to say is '25 is a good age' but know that doesn't really help much, I'm sorry.

Re the rambling... please keep rambling away here. I always like reading what you have to say.

[toomanytearss]

Thank you Evermore.

I just love Border Collies. And Australian Shepherds. Unfortunately I board my horses and my home doesn’t have the room to run those breeds need. But they are so darn smart and beautiful!  I’m very happy for you and glad you and d are smitten with your pup. ❤️

I didn’t realize you have horses. One day when you have time give me an overview of them and what type of riding you do. I could talk horses for hours. Lol!!!

[Evermore]

I didn’t realize you have horses. One day when you have time give me an overview of them and what type of riding you do. I could talk horses for hours. Lol!!!

Oh me too (you asked for it! LOL)! I had to sell my property (7 acres) when H ran and gave the mares I had at that time away. I kinda 'kept' two of them though (mine but out on loan). One (Paint xTB broodmare) has a filly foal on her for the leasee. I love her but can't take her back so think I have found another lovely home for her once the foal is weaned.

The other I've kept is an Australian Riding Pony mare (14H, so big pony). I'm mostly interested in dressage/show ponies (up to 148cm). I haven't ridden much myself in years (got way too heavy for the ponies for many years and now that I'm slim I find I'd rather watch and facilitate breeding/training/owning ponies for others to ride anyhow). I originally gave the ARP mare to a very close friend to try for her Ds. She was OK but a bit too forward for them and she has an old hock injury which means she couldn't handle too much work (I bought her to breed dressage ponies not long before BD) so not suitable to sell on as a ridden prospect (she was broken in and shown previous to the injury).

For a very long time after BD I went from thinking horse much of the day (you know how that is) to not being interested at all. And when my friend told me Charm wasn't going to work for her girls I wasn't in the headspace to be able to take her back and agist (board) her (isn't it funny how something that used to be so easy becomes just too overwhelming when we're traumatised?). So, as I'd bought her to breed from anyway, and my friend had always wanted to breed herself but didn't have the knowledge, we bred to a lovely GRP (German Riding Pony)/Welsh stallion and produced a very lovely (but bit littler than I'd hope grrr) pali colt (now gelded). Even though he's both of ours, he's really my friends and she lurves him. He's only a yearling and only been to one show (led pony show) so far (we have a foal and yearling show in May). He did very well, was an angel first time out, and won several of his classes and went Champion and Reserve. He's going to make a very good ridden show pony in a few years (and OK dressage pony, has more show pony than dressage pony movement). So then I had to take Charm back. I was feeling better about then and I have another good friend who has a gorgeous property quite near me. She asked me to bring Charm to hers so I have and I've put her in foal this year to a Tobiano ARP stallion. Aus Riding Ponies are a bit like German and British RPs: originally strategic crosses between Arabian, TB, Welsh and a bit of 'other mountain and moorland ponies' to produce athletic, well conformed ponies that move well and are good for kids and small adults to ride. It's just that GRP (and Dutch RPs too) are bred mainly for dressage/performance. Whilst ARPs and BRPs are mostly bred for hacking/showing (not something you guys have so much in the US... think Hunters but without the jumps!). Hoping for a filly (and a patchy chestnut one please foal-Gods (or a black filly will do as well)). Either way I will show it as a youngster and enjoy showing ponies again (I also might be going shares with a friend that breeds Australian Ponies in the very very good weanling she has bred... my interest is well and truly back!).

So there... you did ask, lol. I've read your past posts and know that you have western-type horses rather than English (I think anyway, my memory is not what it used to be!). Whilst I'm pure 'English' I have many friends in the US and was on an infamous US-based horse forum for years (and still correspond with about 8 of the girls from there) so am reasonably knowledgeable about western-type stuff (even though that phrasing makes it sound like I'm not, LOL). It's probably a forum you've heard of even (how funny if we were both on there in the past, lol). So anyway, thanks for letting me blurt all that out (now it's me that is rambling!). Please tell me more about your GGs.

[toomanytearss]

Thank you Evermore for sharing that!!  I had to look up Australian Riding Pony. I’ve never heard of them. I wanted to see what they look like. They are quite fancy and beautiful!!  I can’t ride ponies because I’m 5’11. Lol. But I wish I could. Not as far to fall. Lol.
I think it’s wonderful that you breed and train quality ponies. That is so very important and it takes talent and knowledge to do that. I’m glad to hear you have your passion back!!
I actually found my love of horses again after bd. My dad was into horse racing. When I was young before he disappeared from my life there were always numerous thoroughbreds in the barn for training and I was carted around to racetracks all over. Plus the horses and ponies he had for us to ride.
I never had formal training. It was always if you can catch the horse and stay on then you can ride. Lol.
When I grew up I wanted horses. The x wasn’t into that and it never materialized. I did get a pony for the kids but he made me sell her. He was always a party pooper. Lol
So after he left and I got on my feet I bought my first horse. Of course a big thoroughbred. Now being a very green novice to the horse world buying that horse was my first lesson. He was supposed to be early teens gelding. He was just huge and muscled and beautiful and I fell in love instantly. I saddled that horse up and rode like the wind. Till about 2 months into owning him he collapsed all fours straight down while I was riding. He managed to get up and I called the vet immediately. Come to find out he was actually late 20’s and a cryptorchid and he had epm. There’s a whole lot more to that story but suffice it to say I had him treated to save his life and returned him to who I bought him from.
Rain is my 2nd horse. A wild mustang. Really another stupid choice for a novice. Lol. A beautiful dapple grey mare. She looks like an Andalusian. But still a wild feral horse. Lol. She changed my life. Who can think of x and his crazy when you’re working with a wild horse. I’m not sure how she and I made it through but I gentled and trained her. She taught me so much and I love being with her.
Sunny my 3 rd horse is a quarter horse. He is a retired hunter/jumper. He rides English and western. I ride western. I bought him so I’d have a riding horse while training Rain. He’s a beautiful sorrel and shines like a penny. I bought him when he was 19. He’s 25 now. He’s very different from Rain. Everything is very soft and subtle when I work with Rain. It’s like she reads my mind. Sunny is more out there. I can’t be soft with him. Lol. That’s just his personality. He’s pretty funny and fun to be with when he’s not trying to kill me. Lol
In my area there are way more English riders. Racing thoroughbreds are also big here. I live in Ocala Florida.  The horse capital of the world. But I can tell you I don’t think much of most of the horse people here. I trail ride and do some in hand but I’ve wanted to take lessons in dressage for so long. I’ve tried several trainers here and just not found them to be very professional unfortunately. They really want nothing to do with you at the more professional barns unless you plan to compete which I understand. The smaller barns just use the time you’re paying for to chat you up.  Very frustrating. And then if I make the mistake of telling them I own a mustang then I’m pretty much dismissed. Lol
There are small pockets of people here that do wild mustangs. Mostly for making a name for themselves. But the majority of people here do not like them at all.
So I pretty much keep to myself and just do my own thing. Until Sunny started his problems recently my horses are always the best behaved at the barn. They come to you immediately in the pasture. Can go from barn to arena to pasture without a halter. Although I don’t encourage that. But the barn owner loves to do it occasionally to show people. Lol. They stand quietly and politely for vets and farriers. They are good horses. And they bring me so much happiness.
I’m pretty sure they helped speed up my healing. Even to this day if I’m struggling I’ll just go and hang out with them and explain my problems to them. Lol. They always know the best answer. It’s let’s go play lol. They are always right.