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Author Topic: My Story Out of Chaos into Calm

C
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My Story Out of Chaos into Calm
OP: March 03, 2021, 08:03:57 PM
New thread.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11477.0

Ever
Quote
Thank you so much for your thought provoking words Courage. You’re so much younger than me but yet make me feel like a baby. Can you please tell me the story of the man that fell in the deep hole?

I can.

This guy's walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out.
"A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, 'Hey you. Can you help me out?' The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on.
"Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, 'Father, I'm down in this hole can you help me out?' The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on
"Then a friend walks by, 'Hey, Joe, it's me can you help me out?' And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, 'Are you stupid? Now we're both down here.' The friend says, 'Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out.'


So when it comes to reclaiming your life from severe child abuse and neglect......I’ve been in that hole before.....and I know the way out.

❤️ Courage ❤️
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Me 38
H 38
S17
Wallower/Chaos kid
EA discovered 3/31/2019
BD March 31 2019
He left 10/6/2020
Status: I’m done. Stbxh remorseful, texts and apologizes a lot, is in therapy and several treatment teams.
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

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Out of Chaos into Calm
#1: March 04, 2021, 02:04:23 PM
Courage - attaching and following along.
I hadn't heard that story either...
Thanks for sharing.

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Out of Chaos into Calm
#2: March 05, 2021, 03:41:11 AM
Following along Courage
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Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

C
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Out of Chaos into Calm
#3: March 14, 2021, 06:48:44 AM
I have had an entire week to myself. S16 has spent the week between his father and grandparents house. He texts me to vent about his frustrations and how he feels. I offered to come get him....but he declined.....he doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings...so we found a solution that works for him (ie call his grandmother to come get him when he’s fed up with his father’s girlfriend and friends).

But me.....😊😊😊

I have had a lovely week. I am changing my wardrobe....I had lived my life up until marriage as a jeans and tshirt with a pony tail sort of girl. Stbx was very concerned with appearances...so I learned to dress nicer? More mainstream? I don’t know...the point was I looked nice but it didn’t quite feel like me.
So I bought staple pieces that look like me. I’m making a capsule wardrobe.
Thursday was my day off, so I took myself out to breakfast, then got my toes painted, I bought myself a book of poetry....I love poetry and used to write it all the time....I have begun to write again. Then off to the neighboring town for a purse, and some embroidery and even a couple of those mini brands because I wanted to open them and they are fun.
Then to the Asian market where the most fashionable cutest tiniest little grandma took me around the store and helped me shop. I love kind strangers. There is nothing that makes me happy for the rest of the day like kindness from a complete stranger...because it reminds me that people are good and nice and kind and generous.

Friday night I went out for hibachi at a grill where they cook in front of you with a friend. She was trying to decide wether or not to break things off with her boyfriend and asked me to read over her texts and give my honest opinion. One of the things I notice was true for me and stuck with me....”He seems remarkably okay with hurting your feelings and you being upset.” She said explain it. So I asked....”if you upset me and you knew you had upset me.....what would you do?” Now compare that with what he does when he upsets you and knows you are upset?
Anyways.....it just stuck with me.

Yesterday I spent the entire morning just dry brushing, doing a bath, my hair, lotion, my makeup ect.  I took 3 hours to get ready (I’m usually a 5-30 min person).  It was nice to spend that amount of time on me.
Then I embroidered, had breakfast, did a bit of shopping and spent 2 hours just driving around. I finished the night by going out to dinner with my new poetry book. Then wandered around the shops downtown.

What a difference from 4 months ago when I would have panic attacks just thinking about leaving the house. Where any self care made me cry.

I did meet a Romeo on the way to the restaurant. I had decided to walk a few blocks because it was a really lovely day. A man pulls up next to me in his car and screams “hey lady, girl you fine” and then proceeds to roll down all 4 windows and blare 90’s R&B while creeping along beside of me for 2 blocks. 🤣🤣🤣🤣 And they say romance is dead. 😂
What did he think was going to happen I wonder? Did he imagine I would be so smitten I would swan dive into the car through the passenger side window??? 🤣 I must have looked like I had a fantastic personality. Bless it.

Stbx contacts me last night after a week of silence to tell me he wanted me to know he wasn’t calling because he was dealing with some bad news. And to solidify arrangements for s16 to come visit him.

I only responded to the arrangements for s16 and ignored the rest.
Honesty....it’s been nice to have the silence and his texts often feel like an intrusion more than anything.

I am almost finished with the embroidery piece. I haven’t done it in 20 years, and while I was working on it and experimenting with techniques I saw on the internet it occurred to me....the thing I used to hate about it....and why I hadn’t touched it in years was really my perfectionism....I would make a mistake and shame myself for it and then there was no joy in it anymore. Now I think the “mistakes” give it character and I am more pleased and proud of myself for the attempt than the outcome. It is succulents and cactus’s btw in cute little coral pots.

I was chosen for the cto team at work. Cto’s are highly complex, very long cardiac catheterizations. I had asked my boss to be trained on them in case we did one again, then started the hunt for Reps that would do the training....when I got ahold of the rep that does the training program...he said “it’s so crazy you called me about this, the doctor that does these wants to restart the program, I’m meeting with your boss tomorrow to ask for permission to restart this program and do training there.”

I do not, and have never believed in coincidences.

So I decided to stay here and do this program. I’m proud of myself for being the nurse that was chosen to do these. You need to be competent, but more importantly....you need to be able to anticipate what the doctor will need or want next. Which I’m good at. We can thank my childhood trauma for the hyper vigilance. 🤣

So I finally feel as if I’m on a path. My life makes a tiny bit more sense than it did a month ago. And I’m happy.

Finally did discuss with my therapist the “reasons why I shouldn’t have to forgive” 3 page dissertation paper I wrote instead of doing the forgiveness assignment. 🤣🤣🤣 she sounds like a sweet little church lady and said “soooo.....I read what you wrote about forgiveness.....we are just going to put that on the back burner for now, and we will work on some other things before we circle back around to it” 🤣🤣🤣 (please imagine everything she says in a sweet kindly, southern accent for full effect)

All I could think was “good choice, this feels like a safer option for all of us”. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I’m not there yet but I’ll get there eventually.

Love you guys

❤️ Courage ❤️
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« Last Edit: March 14, 2021, 06:53:04 AM by Couragedearheart »
Me 38
H 38
S17
Wallower/Chaos kid
EA discovered 3/31/2019
BD March 31 2019
He left 10/6/2020
Status: I’m done. Stbxh remorseful, texts and apologizes a lot, is in therapy and several treatment teams.
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

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Out of Chaos into Calm
#4: March 14, 2021, 02:29:32 PM
Courage do you have a dry brush you would recommend?  I've been hearing some about this lately but have never done it. 

You sound really good.   :)
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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

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C
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Out of Chaos into Calm
#5: March 14, 2021, 02:45:51 PM
Faith,

Thank you. I am really good.
I just bought a 9 dollar one off Amazon. It’s good for exfoliating, lymphatic drainage yada yada yada.....that’s all irrelevant. Here’s what it’s good for.
A) if physical  touch is one of your love languages, stimulating the nerves on the surface of your skin will help meet that need.
B) my body for my entire childhood wasn’t entirely a safe place to be in....so if I’m stressed....I often can’t feel anything below my torso or in my arms at all. Stimulating those nerves is a safe way for you to be present in your entire body.
C) this is a loving act towards myself. I am taking time to meet my needs and make my body a safe place and demonstrating compassion for myself.
D) by making myself more aware of my body I am actually strengthening my ability to listen to my intuition as that is a bodily response. I’m attuning myself.
E) By showing myself that I can meet my needs even if it’s just for touch I am building trust in myself. I can trust me to meet my own needs.

I do it every morning and night. It has helped I think.

There’s this little song or spiff of a song that is “I’m so sorry that you have to have a body” which.......omg it’s so true. Because what the body needs to regulate itself is awkward....and sometimes counterintuitive....but it needs what it needs. So we must learn how to properly take care of, relax and restore our meatsuit. 🤣🤣🤣
I said what I said.

❤️ Courage
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« Last Edit: March 14, 2021, 02:54:03 PM by Couragedearheart »
Me 38
H 38
S17
Wallower/Chaos kid
EA discovered 3/31/2019
BD March 31 2019
He left 10/6/2020
Status: I’m done. Stbxh remorseful, texts and apologizes a lot, is in therapy and several treatment teams.
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

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Out of Chaos into Calm
#6: March 14, 2021, 02:58:00 PM
Thank you for that!  I will go on Amazon and take a look around.   :)
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

C
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Out of Chaos into Calm
#7: March 16, 2021, 04:51:06 PM
What a tough night last night. I got triggered.
My upstairs neighbors had a huge row, screaming, yelling slamming stuff, and from the sounds of it hitting each other....for a good 30 minutes. It sent me into a flashback and then a very long panic attack. I finally got myself together enough to stop flinching and breath to call the cops and as soon as I did....it went dead silent. So I spent the remainder of the night wondering if he killed her.....and alternately shaming myself for not calling the cops. I barely slept at all last night and woke up this morning in another shame spiral.

I want to run away.

I just shut down when stuff like that happens. I can’t handle it.

There’s a girl at work that triggers me a lot recently. She’s a single mom with 2 boys, she calls them names, talks about wanting to hit them. One skipped school the other day so she went home, kicked the door open and beat him with her fists....then came back to work and bragged about how good it felt to take her anger out on him.
I wonder if my parents bragged like that when I was hit.

I cannot stomach violence, I can’t watch it on TV, or listen to it. I get nauseous and my heart rate spikes.

I’m exhausted. Just feeling wrung out from the panic attacks. I try to avoid that coworker if I can....and when she talks about that stuff I just walk away.

I think these things are what’s making me feel unsafe right now.

Courage
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Me 38
H 38
S17
Wallower/Chaos kid
EA discovered 3/31/2019
BD March 31 2019
He left 10/6/2020
Status: I’m done. Stbxh remorseful, texts and apologizes a lot, is in therapy and several treatment teams.
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

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Out of Chaos into Calm
#8: March 16, 2021, 06:39:40 PM
Courage I can understand why those are triggers.

Regarding your co-worker, I have worked with abused kids for many years.

Please contact Children's aid and report the information you wrote here. I know that is hard to do. Usually you can report child abuse anonymously.

As a nurse I am bound by law to report any suspicion of abuse. Teacher's have that same responsibility. Community members can also report.

I know, it's hard.

May you find some peace tonight.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

C
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Out of Chaos into Calm
#9: March 18, 2021, 10:35:41 AM
I discovered an interesting thing.

Whenever you find yourself speaking in absolutes, even if just to yourself....that is a thing you aren’t giving yourself yet expecting from other people.
It’s your inner child telling you their experience.

“No one EVER cares what I have to say” is my inner child saying “you don’t listen to me.”

No one EVER asks me how my day was” is my inner child saying “you don’t check on me.”

You begin to see the point. It’s my own projection onto other people of my unmet needs.

❤️ Courage ❤️
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Me 38
H 38
S17
Wallower/Chaos kid
EA discovered 3/31/2019
BD March 31 2019
He left 10/6/2020
Status: I’m done. Stbxh remorseful, texts and apologizes a lot, is in therapy and several treatment teams.
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

 

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