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Author Topic: My Story Out of Chaos into Calm

T
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My Story Out of Chaos into Calm
#100: January 06, 2022, 10:31:52 AM
I have said those things myself. Do I want to save this marriage because I cant live without him or because I cant imagine anyone choosing to not want me.  I came to the conclusion it was a little both.  I cane from a broken family and I tried also to create the perfect family and when that fell apart I lost my whole purpose ( or so I thought) There is something freeing in not having to live up to the perfect person, wife, mother and family. I can now just be me and work on healing of my own faults and failures.

Thanks for sharing!
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

C
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Out of Chaos into Calm
#101: January 08, 2022, 10:18:06 AM
We don’t talk about elephants.

There’s this thing…..I recognize it whenever I see it it….like a wince, a certain tone of voice, and immediate defensiveness that pops up. It’s the slow shuffle out of a room, the immediate close to a conversation, the certainty of know that’s the last invite you’ll receive.

It’s the thing that happens when you talk about elephants. When you casually mention the elephant in the room everyone is delicately ignoring. They glance at each other, silently acknowledging that you are rude or uncouth or inappropriate……after all, everyone else knows better than to bring whatever it was up.

Everyone except me.

It’s the reason I’m disinvited from family events. The reason I don’t get invited to the more frivolous things, or excluded from certain conversations. Does it feel like rejection….sure, because in a way it is. But I actually like that part of me, a lot actually.

The group of friends I had at my old house loved that about me. It was accepted and celebrated and enjoyed. People liked talking to me because they were allowed to have a real conversation with no special tiptoeing through the minefield of things we aren’t allowed to talk about. So now, experiencing it here with my family…..it’s a bit of a reality check I guess. I forgot how it felt to have the room immediately shift because you said the thing we weren’t supposed to acknowledge.

It’s funny. My family hates that about me…..till they need it. You may not be appropriate for the bridal shower or the baby shower….but when their marriage falls apart, or their mom dies, or their kid pops up pregnant, or they feel suicidal or depressed or emotionally stuck you are the person they call.

Just a hit, just a few phone calls, just till you get your life back on tract and you can pretended like that particular elephant never existed at all.

I am the holder of the families shame and secrets and brokenness. I make it possible for the show to go on. And I know just how many people I am the dirty little secret for. You can trust me not to tell, you can trust me not to publically expose you, you can trust me not to be intrusive and think that the fact that you called and bared your shame and dispare and uncertainty to me would make me think I was included or invited.

I have to keep reminding myself that even though my family doesn’t celebrate or like that aspect of me there are other people who love and appreciate and even like that part of me most, and that it’s my job to find them. That’s it’s never my job to make other people like me. That often what they are really rejecting is parts of themselves.

This rejection is always one of the toughest feelings to deal with.

Anyways,
I love you guys
Courage
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Me 38
H 38
S17
Wallower/Chaos kid
EA discovered 3/31/2019
BD March 31 2019
He left 10/6/2020
Status: I’m done. Stbxh remorseful, texts and apologizes a lot, is in therapy and several treatment teams.
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

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Out of Chaos into Calm
#102: January 12, 2022, 05:44:20 PM
I'm sorry Courage, that definitely does sting.  I hope you can find your tribe.

My family does some things like this too.  I see it in my extended family.  It's frustrating.
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C
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Out of Chaos into Calm
#103: January 13, 2022, 09:20:23 PM
Hey Faith,

It’s obvious looking back on that last post I was in a bit of an emotional flashback. It happens, sometimes I can tell when I’m in them….but not always. I tend to try not to post or say anything if I can tell I’m in one.

I don’t know exactly what you call it….whatever it is that I do. But people from my father to my grandparents, to nieces, nephews friends and even friends of friends call me when they are lost, or confused or can’t untangle the thing that they are in. Then I ask them questions until they solve it themselves, or point out the belief they are using and ask if that’s theirs or if they even want to keep using it or if it serves them, or sometimes just point out the very obvious thing they can’t see. Then they hang up and we don’t speak again until the next time they need me.

But it is often lonely out here. And I wish they would call with happy things and silly things and joyful things in between. I don’t like being the break glass in case of emergency person all the time without ever getting to be just simply a friend.

My sister knows, she knows me so well. She called this morning to tell me that she talked to my dad….(he had called with an issue a few days before). I had told her about the phone call with him. So she told me that she couldn’t stop laughing because everything he told her was word for word the advice or encouragement I had given him. That the problem he had called me with, he described as a victory to her….(because it actually was).

Funny that she called to tell me this on a morning I just felt particularly despondent. I woke up disoriented this morning feeling shame. I sat on the edge of my bed in the dim light staring at my reflection in the mirror asking God what the hell I was even doing? Is it helpful? Is it overstepping? Is it some justified version of my own codependency? Does any of it even make a difference or does it just make me feel a little bit like I matter?

I know it’s none of my business what other people think of me.I know that I have rejection sensitivity dysphoria. I know that because of my past it’s hard for me to tell or believe that people like, love or care about me…..and it’s even more difficult with emotionally immature people.

But I can’t seem to make that part of me that wants to know……stop wanting. And it’s difficult not to take the silence and the pauses in the contact for rejection.

The confirmation this morning felt good. I’m glad she called.

I can’t wait for this latest wave to calm down so I can’t begin the work of finding my own little tribe here and making life a little less lonely.

Love
Courage
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Me 38
H 38
S17
Wallower/Chaos kid
EA discovered 3/31/2019
BD March 31 2019
He left 10/6/2020
Status: I’m done. Stbxh remorseful, texts and apologizes a lot, is in therapy and several treatment teams.
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

C
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Out of Chaos into Calm
#104: January 18, 2022, 07:03:49 AM
I don’t often write about xh…..not that we aren’t in contact, just that there isn’t much left to say. I accept the horse is dead and I can’t really summon much enthusiasm to beat the damn thing.

He calls and writes long emails telling me he misses me. He understands things, it feels like a terrible dream he wishes he would just wake up from. He is growing and learning and doing work on himself. He will be a better man one day and a good husband for someone…….not me, but someone.
This is his latest:
Quote
Hi Courage,

I hope this email comes after you having a wonderful holiday after much stress that is very undeserving.   Very glad you got there safe and sound.  I have been really been struggling with my thoughts lately but I have found it easier to think and let thought flow without emotion overpowering them while in Church.  So I get lost sometimes in that, but it’s good in some ways I think. I have had little videos playback in my mind.  Very vividly.  It’s so wild.  I don’t want every email or communication to be me apologizing but I feel as if I see so many things differently, all the time and want to share.

I feel as if there was a version of me that was worthy of you and s17 and a version that wasn’t.  I was not mature enough, mentally or emotionally.  Certainly not a good communicator.  I had you on a pedestal and then somehow moved you to the side and put my career and what people though of me on the pedestal.   I’m so sorry for that.  That was so wrong in so many ways.  I find myself staring in the mirror a lot, and that has been good.  Allows me to reflect and dig into the why, the what, and the how.  The move to the smaller store has been good  because it allowed further perspective.  The job is not the most important thing.  It”s just not. It’s a job, it’s a means to live.  It does not define me.  I choose that.  I can’t say I lost that perspective, I really never had it.  I tried to force every aspect of my life some set of rules that i “thought” were accurate.  I said bad things, was dishonest, narcissistic, manipulative, and an overall pretty $h!tety person.  And when challenged, tried to drink it away or make others feel dumb for seeing truth.  Just terrible.  I’m so sorry.  Every area was some twisted game to fuel my ego and self confidence issues.  I said horrible things to manipulate others to elevate myself somehow.  My actions told a story, the only person who matters is Xh.  And it started so early.  You paying for our 1st trip, but putting the $ in my account, so I could feel like a man.  My feelings. Where we lived, my feelings. Where I worked, my feelings. What we spent money on, my feelings.  What house to buy, my feelings. Not discussing infertility, my feelings. Never talking about the infidelity, again my feelings…….    But with it all, never acknowledging my actions, my emotions, or any other adults for that matter. 

It was just cruel and I’m so very sorry.

I’m sure there is so much more and I hope it continues to come to me and allows me
To see it and feel it.  I read that like a doctor or a mechanic funny enough, both have to know where the issue is, so the process of healing can be done.  I’m trying to visit with all that has been done towards me and that I have done towards others.  A very true but cliche thing to say but, you cannot head forward on the journey unless you know where your coming from.  The path towards light starts in a darker place.

A bit long I know, but assuming you still read at the speed of light (amazing), hopefully will only take a few moments of your time.  However long, thank you for taking the time. 

Have a great night.
Always, Xh

It’s a nice letter. And I’m proud of him.

But I never will shake the idea that he didn’t actually like me. He never acted as if he liked me. Sure he pedestaled me. He could see my good qualities and probably married me for them…..but me, who i am….
He didn’t like my sense of humor and never found any of my jokes funny. He thought I was uncouth and to wild. He wished I dressed and talked and acted different. We don’t share the same values. We don’t agree on politics, or religion, or have any hobbies in common, we don’t like the same sort of television shows. We have wildly different views on what marriage is or the roles of husband and wife.
 
I just thought we were alike because he mirrored me for so long.

Now having been around people that actually like me for me….I see the difference. It’s very stark.

He is 15 years, 2 affairs, mental and emotional trauma too late…….

I can’t unsee, unhear or undo what is done.

I don’t hate him. I love him. I suspect there is a part of me that will always love him……but I can’t settle for him either.

I don’t really know how to put into words the feeling of reading that email and it doesn’t inspire any hope, or longing or wistful thinking. I read it and feel slightly suspicious, and wary. I accept that that is all his truth. They are just words, and words without matching action mean nothing.
I never reply.
I am not trying to have a relationship with him, therefore I don’t see the need.
A small part of me feels that I must delicately navigate this thing. I don’t want to give him any hope, because there is none, but I don’t want to be cruel to someone who is finally learning to communicate and be vulnerable either.  It feels like a tightrope.

I never asked God to keep us together, or to fix my marriage. I asked for one thing, and that was healing. I think he gave me what I asked for. I am satisfied.

So that is the state of things…. I don’t know if it’s helpful at all for other people…but it is my experience….so I’ll share.

Courage
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Me 38
H 38
S17
Wallower/Chaos kid
EA discovered 3/31/2019
BD March 31 2019
He left 10/6/2020
Status: I’m done. Stbxh remorseful, texts and apologizes a lot, is in therapy and several treatment teams.
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

N

Nas

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Out of Chaos into Calm
#105: January 18, 2022, 07:10:36 AM
Thanks for sharing, C. I think the way you know and honor your own truth and your own needs is admirable.
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Out of Chaos into Calm
#106: January 18, 2022, 08:06:22 AM
Thanks for sharing, C. I think the way you know and honor your own truth and your own needs is admirable.
Me too.
And I admire your clear eye on the limited relevance for you now of his words even if the bit of you that loved him hopes he becomes a better kind of human for himself and others.
Having said that, I must confess that a bit of me would appreciate my vanisher telling me that he sees now that he was cruel and that he is very sorry. It would make no difference to my life now or my future, but I suppose I would like to think of him as a slightly better human than I came to see him as post BD. Which was realistic tbh but It would be nice, not earth-shattering, but nice to be able to adjust my lens a little bit......but I do not expect it to ever happen now so I would probably be a little thrown if it did  :)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

C
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Out of Chaos into Calm
#107: January 19, 2022, 04:21:09 PM
Courage, thank you for sharing this update. Every story is unique, of course, but there are certain elements that happen commonly. The lack of communication from the MLCer, their tendency to place us on a pedestal, the need for validation that so many of them seem to share… and most importantly, our realization along the way (some of us earlier than others) that what we need has nothing to do with how they heal or whether they heal at all - the important thing is our own growth and healing.
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