Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1262
  • Gender: Female
My Story He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
OP: April 24, 2021, 01:34:40 PM
Wow my last thread lasted over 1.5 years - at last it’s time for a new one!

Here’s the old thread:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11111.0

MLC History
2014 - H’s MLC began
2015 - H started making changes to his and our lives, possible denial phase
2016 - BD1 and terrible year of anger and beginning of depression from H
2017 - BD2 I find out about MOW.  H still with much anger and depression and withdrawal moved out to stay with his parents. MOW wants to work at her marriage which is ‘lucky
2018 - H in withdrawal but decent towards me so I have a bit of ‘hope
2019 - Keeping my ‘patience’ as H seems to be around less but seems to be better when he is around, and I am working towards this not affecting my precious ‘happiness’.
Sept 2019 - BD3 Being ‘strong’ has helped me after learning H has OW2, a young 30 year old and he thinks it’s no big deal as he left us 2 years ago so assume she also thinks it’s ok
Oct 2019 - Using ‘courage’ we told the children about the MLC, all of it.
2020 - With the pandemic came ‘peace ’. We went months without seeing or hearing from H. He was still doing whatever replay activities he could manage. Still seeing OW2. I healed more than I had previously, the children also had time to process, we talked a lot and we healed some more. It wasn’t all easy but the virus pandemic helped the MLC pandemic in our family.
2021 - Started with us seeing H every 6 weeks or so just like we had been for past couple of years. End February, March & April H seems slightly different, seems to be around more, more interested and less manic. It may be a phase, we will see.

To reach a point where my word is ‘peace’ really feels good. We are approaching 5 years since BD and that feels like a milestone. I am glad I am here and not there. I am sorry for anyone who is there at BD. My advice is that this is not about you, knowing that will help. This is unfair, with a little more unfair on top and then sprinkled with unfairness. Knowing that too will help, zone in on what is important in those moments. Trust your gut and don’t take advice from those who don’t understand this. I am in a much better position now than I would be if I had listened to those people over my gut and my support group here on HS.

Become the best version of you, read, grow, develop and learn. This is an opportunity no-one would choose but when forced in to it there are little nuggets of gold to be found. Grab hold of them and let them give you strength to last another day.

Rose 🌹

Modified the "Code" call to the "URL" call so the links work - UM
  • Logged
« Last Edit: April 26, 2021, 05:32:04 AM by UrsaMajor »
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 872
  • Gender: Male
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#1: April 24, 2021, 10:51:25 PM
Following along Rose.
  • Logged
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27. Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA  |  BD #2: 2018 - FA

W moved out - June 2019 | OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019 | Divorce final - September 2019 | Moving on

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

New Here? Read this! http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.0

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1262
  • Gender: Female
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#2: April 25, 2021, 03:18:47 AM
Lovely to have you PJ.

I notice my new word ‘peace’ is very hard to read in my chosen colour of white. I could change it. But I like it. It reflects how hard it is to find, and that once you find it and can see it makes more sense and is so welcome.

Rose 🌹 
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11452
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#3: April 26, 2021, 03:46:39 AM
Attaching
  • Logged
Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1262
  • Gender: Female
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#4: April 26, 2021, 04:42:10 AM
UM

I’m not sure I have linked my current and previous threads correctly this time. They don’t look right, can you help?

So glad you attached!
Rose 🌹
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3014
  • Gender: Female
  • Time is a Gift! 🎁
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#5: April 26, 2021, 08:21:08 PM
Attaching

I like that your word is peace and I like that it's written in white!
  • Logged
Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 364
  • Gender: Female
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#6: April 27, 2021, 09:49:24 AM
Sticking with you Rose.
Haven't posted much but still reading here and learning. Good to see PEACE is your new word...whatever colour you choose  :)

((((Hugs))))
  • Logged
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1262
  • Gender: Female
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#7: April 29, 2021, 03:01:15 PM
FW thank you, that’s lovely.

Music so nice to have you here.

UM thanks for sorting that out for me.

Not sure if this is a phase but for sure H is different. I am only posting about it so it is noted. I am not changing how I live or what we do but for a few months now H has been different. My gut says OW2 has gone. H seems settled and less manic. More mature. I have not seen this type of change in him since this MLC started. He has not been back and forward, he has not been like this.

It’s not easy as we are not used to seeing so much of him.

One day this MLC will be a memory. 

Rose 🌹
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

T
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 206
  • Gender: Male
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#8: April 29, 2021, 03:33:49 PM
Hi Rose
Hope you’re keeping well.  Sounds like you’re doing good.  Following along.
Moon
  • Logged
Me:46, W: 43
Married: 2007
D11 and D8
BD 1: Jan 2018 ILYBINILWY
BD2: Feb 2018 EA discovered
August 2018, I move to own place.  No talk of divorce yet.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1754
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#9: May 04, 2021, 11:59:36 AM
Rose....Great Advise!  I hope H continues to soften and come around more and more.  Crossing my fingers for you!

Sam!
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1262
  • Gender: Female
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#10: May 05, 2021, 04:20:32 AM
Moon - So glad you are here.

Sam - We shall see!

We are now in to May. Throughout his MLC we saw H around every 5-6 weeks or for birthdays/school events etc.  He's been consistent, not back and forward he has been in touch but not often and quite distant when he was here.  He was here as he felt he should be or had nothing else to do. Since Feb he has been in touch every week.  Usually physically coming over to visit. I noticed it and have monitored it and he is different. 

Continuing from the last time I wrote, S went to visit the grandparents for a drink in the garden. When S came home I wondered, of course, if H had been there and S didn't mention him so neither did I. Best to try to put it out of my mind if possible. Not longer afterwards H turned up at the door saying he was here to visit D. He had been with S in the garden at his grandparents visit. He stayed here quite a while.

The week after that our car almost broke down.  The car is probably my most difficult thing being alone as I am uninterested in it and need it to be reliable and H has big opinions on it so making a decision on it without involving him runs the risk of me doing something or spending money unnecessary.  So I decided to call him so he can decide and I can do what he wants and then avoid any of that.  I did my usual 'he wont answer and thats ok at least I did the right thing etc etc' talk to myself beforehand.  He did answer and he also offered to come and help me with it. He meant it too. I said it was ok, I'd do what he suggested and that would be fine.  Later he messaged me myself asking how the car was and I replied after an hour or so with an update. He replied back with a bit chat about getting up early the next day and then said he was heading to bed. This is the first time he has been like this.  This is really not like him.

The next morning H again put messages on our family whatsapp and I got the children to comment along later as they didnt want to reply. I didnt force them but reminded them gently about it and they replied to be nice rather than anything else. H then put more messages on about his day and then asked about the car again. I hadnt yet replied and he called D and asked through her to me how the car was.

A few days later he came round to visit.  He said he was going away for the night with work and came round before he went.  Unusual! The detail in the story made me believe everything he was saying.  I dont doubt what he said was true and was what he was doing.  He is more present in the moment and he wasnt meeting OW2 or anyone else as he would have avoided all talk around it.  S wouldnt come and chat with us as was chatting with his friends.  H was here for an hour or so and said it was ok he would be round once he got back in a few days (!) and would see S then. He was very interested in D and her friends and school more so than before.

While he was away he messaged us again on the family chat telling us to have a good day. Again I told the children to respond to it and we had a few laughs on it which was nice. 

I have asked both S and D separately about H.  S says he doesnt care if H comes around as he is quite uninterested in him. D said it makes her happy when he comes around and if its more often thats good.

As for me, overall it validates what I have always thought - this is a phase he is going through. I am different now though and I like that.  H may be like this for months and then go distant again, or he may be distant tomorrow.  I dont know.

I am ok though, I am still living in 'peace’ and will fight for that to continue.
Rose 🌹
  • Logged
« Last Edit: May 05, 2021, 04:22:37 AM by Rosetintedglasses »
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

H
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2436
  • Gender: Male
Re: He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#11: May 09, 2021, 05:20:50 PM
Rose you keep doing exactly as you are. You sound so good. Just stay at peace and let H do as he wants. If he comes? Good! If he goes distant again? Well we know the routine.
To me it does seem as H little mind is running and he may be seeing some light. Just let him ease along.

My mistake more than once was to give more when I seen a little sprinkle of change. In the little fruit bars case, it just made her fly away and hang upside down a little longer.
Where you are is a good place. Peaceful. It wasn't until I found that peace where I could let her be and not get all bumfussled again.
All sounds good to me though. A positive move toward the end that tunnel.

Have a wonderful day Rose.
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1262
  • Gender: Female
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#12: May 10, 2021, 03:13:56 PM
Help - knowing you are reading along means a lot to me. It reminds me we are still on this journey and how far we have come.  Hasn’t it been truly awful. And oh so long. And devastating and life changing and frustrating and it all seems so unnecessary too.

Good has come out of it too though and I can see that good every day. I’ll keep focusing on that, while enjoying my ‘peace’ of course.

Rose 🌹
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

5
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 297
  • Gender: Female
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#13: May 10, 2021, 06:05:36 PM
Following along...
5hil
  • Logged

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 34
  • Gender: Male
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#14: May 12, 2021, 10:10:04 AM
Attaching - thank you Rose
  • Logged

M
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 161
  • Gender: Female
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#15: May 12, 2021, 11:24:08 AM
Following along-experiencing very similar stuff with my H too.
  • Logged

H
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2436
  • Gender: Male
Re: He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#16: May 12, 2021, 04:41:43 PM
Rose
I see life in a totally different way now. I'm sure you do as well. So yes. Some good has come from this mess.
I shook my head everytime I heard this would last years, saying Nope! No mine!
Well years later, I'm still here. Ha.


  • Logged

s
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1764
  • Gender: Female
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#17: May 16, 2021, 06:26:47 AM
finally caught up and attaching. Good to see how well you are!
  • Logged
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1262
  • Gender: Female
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#18: May 31, 2021, 04:10:55 AM
Thank you 5hil, dparis, marchingforward, help & sachat.

Since beginning of May, H has been quiet again. He seems more like MLC H. It's been around 3 weeks and he has not been in touch as much, he has not popped round or messaged.  I noticed this annoyingly. We had car issues and he came by 2-3 times to get involved with that, each time he came same day and each time he was nice and chatty but each time we had been in touch with him - each time was necessary and not for no reason, I made sure.

He spoke with S on phone and mentioned he had sold his car and bought a new one, a more expensive one quite like our family one. He had mentioned to me he wanted to do this but had no money so looks like he found some, somewhere. In one way I felt like that was more like the real him as the car he had before was not like him. He had told me that 2 of his old school friends (group of 5 inc him, all married with children) were getting new cars. I assume he wanted one too. That's 3 cars he has bought in the last 9 months or so. S said to me that I needed a car and he should have bought me one instead, ha ha! He's not impressed.

It has felt different again, back to how he was before these last few months.  His most recent car help with us led him to chat and he mentioned his choir. I had thought/hoped that was gone but it's not, which includes OW2 of course. It's like a gut kick. He showed us a video of them singing in their choir. I looked slightly below it so as it looked like I was watching but I didnt. D also saw it. I need to put a boundary in with it saying we dont want choir/OW chat or videos. He can show them to someone else. Does he really think his daughter needs to see that? I spoke with her afterwards and will contintue to monitor it. It difficult of course as he has been here a lot and we let our guard down a little and then find ourselves back in a familiar place, where we hoped we had moved on from.

I have been surprised at myself as have felt drawn in by him again over those few months.  He did seem more like the man I married and I thought I wouldn't be drawn back there as easily as I was. Interesting if it wasn't so difficult.

We again had car issues and I was to phone FIL if this happened.  I did and FIL didnt answer, so I called H to tell him as no way to message FIL. H sounded like he was in his bed when he answered.  Later he called me back explaining why FIL hadnt answered, he said he hadn't known FIL couldnt answer and had called MIL to find out why.  This all means H was not in their house as he wouldnt have had to call them if he was in their house like I thought he was. H realised what he had said after he said it and what it meant and I ended the call quite quickly afterwards.

We are approaching 5 years and he is still in replay, he may never leave it.
Rose 🌹

  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11452
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#19: May 31, 2021, 05:03:18 AM
We are approaching 5 years and he is still in replay, he may never leave it.
Rose 🌹

This is a possibility.... It is also possible that he may take a couple more years to get his head out of his .... fog.... but the bottom line is that it is irrelevant if he takes 2 years or 10 years of never.

What is important/what matters is that you are able to live your life in a way that is fulfilling for you. That is the "living as if they are not coming back" because sometimes they don't .... and sometimes they do but we are long gone...
  • Logged
Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1262
  • Gender: Female
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#20: May 31, 2021, 05:26:11 AM
Thanks UM. It’s strange how much more contented I was thinking OW2 was gone.

Also meant to add S said to me a week ago that the had been thinking. He said it feels like his Dad has died and he now has a helpful uncle who feels bad for him as his Dad has died.

It’s such an accurate way of describing what I see/feel too. I asked D and she also said it seemed accurate.

I don’t think H sees that though. I think he thinks he’s being a good Dad. He is paying for things and helping when we ask.

I have decided to write him a letter that I won’t send saying how I feel. I’ve started it and it feels good.

Rose 🌹
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11452
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#21: May 31, 2021, 06:11:15 AM
Thanks UM. It’s strange how much more contented I was thinking OW2 was gone.

I hate to say it but this sounds to my untrained ear like maybe you might have possibly had some ....  expectations? That maybe you had expected OW2 to be gone? until you were otherwise informed...

As for the "helpful uncle" scenario... That is a topic that has been discussed often... More like the crazy uncle that lives in the attic that no one really wants to acknowledge... <snort>



  • Logged
Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

H
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2436
  • Gender: Male
Re: He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#22: June 01, 2021, 04:22:12 PM
Hello Rose
It's hard thing to accept.  They are still playing in la la land.
Yep, I had those little expectations when mine changed a little. You know my story. I would change too. Then off she flew.
It's a slow process and that's if it happens as UM said.
Keep your peace Rose and keep on living. Go live some more. When you think you have lived enough!! Naw, go get some more life.
You have to truly let go and move on. That's the only way to true peace.
I think his mind is still a mess of cracked marbles.  Nobody would show a video of them with their other whatever they are to you and think that it wouldn't bother you. My goodness.  Hes still lost.

I would definitely tell him or write it to him. Don't show me anything or mention anything that has to do with choir or her. Sorry Buddy!!!
Dont let this slow you down Rose. We have been there and done it. Oh well, let him go.

I'm so sorry it happened.  I used to get angry when mine played the game. I think she knew I still cared.  I finally got to where it didnt phase me. She knew it too.
It's hard to do, but your peace and your kids depends on it.
You can do it. You have been doing it. Keep on moving.

Have wonderful evening Rose

  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 8094
  • Gender: Female
Re: He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#23: June 01, 2021, 04:28:49 PM
Also meant to add S said to me a week ago that the had been thinking. He said it feels like his Dad has died and he now has a helpful uncle who feels bad for him as his Dad has died.

Rose, if you haven't explored the archives, hit some of kikki's posts. That is exactly how her sons described their relationship with their MLC father. It really is a thing in itself. My theory is they just can't be leaders. They can, like you say, follow direction or fund things and feel like that fulfills their fatherly role, but they have no ability to actually step into the position at this point. I think that's why they're so quick to follow any OW around and let her rule the roost or outlay their future. It's all so sad and pointless.
  • Logged

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 364
  • Gender: Female
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#24: June 06, 2021, 09:02:13 AM
Gosh that's a sad thing for S&D to think, Rose - that it's like their Dad died etc. I know exactly what they mean. I'm sure it's not unusual for those of us with clingy MLCers who hang around.
It's very hard having a clinger around (well all MLC is hard but I can only share my experience of it) after so many years. They're there but they're not. A continual reminder of the person lost. Like seeing their shadow on the ground but the physical person isn't there.
Hang in there Rose

(((Hugs)))

  • Logged
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1262
  • Gender: Female
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#25: June 07, 2021, 06:18:01 AM
Hi Music, I like what you said about the shadow.

Thanks Ready, I will look up those posts.

Appreciate your support Help.

Yes UM, I have often thought the same and found it interesting to hear it from my S. Glad he described him as 'helpful' rather than 'crazy' I suppose.


Still confused about all of this as he does seem to still be around more.  He messaged me a few times and then came round to the house, with a reason that benefitted him.  He is chatting to me about his work and more interested in our home and suggesting how to fix things, and that he had researched how to fix something I mentioned a few weeks ago - and he also said he liked something I had put up on the wall. My parents were around too and he was keen to chat with them.

Maybe we are now his replay activity and choir/OW2 is his normal life.

S is uninterested in him and says he can't look him in his eye and doesn't want to be around him. H may be trying too hard with him and S says H doesn't really know him as suggests things S isn't interested in. All very difficult to manoeuvre around. I understand S completely and wonder if H picks up on the distance between the two of them. H didn't seem to want to leave when he was here, making S uncomfortable as he was trying to be polite.

H has an illness with a family friend of theirs. It's someone of a similar age and is a devastating diagnosis. He mentioned FIL had been chatting about it in the house and H does seem more empathetic towards this than I have seen him previously.  It also showed that he had indeed been at his parents house that weekend so not sure how much OW2 is around as he still does all seem less frantic that he was.

I am managing to keep stepped back now which is better! Yes UM I did have expectations before, after he started coming round every weekend I did start wondering if he would be round at the weekend.  It's much easier to have no expectations when they are not around and acting distant when they are here.  Not so easy when they keep popping up and acting more reasonable. I just need to adjust and keep moving forward which I am doing now.

Rose 🌹
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1262
  • Gender: Female
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#26: June 20, 2021, 08:26:38 AM
After H was around the last time he called and said he would be coming around again. I told him S was out but he said it was ok he would wait until he was back so he came round.

He chatted with D.  He made a coffee and chatted with me for around an hour and seemed relaxed and not as on edge as before. S came home and H chatted with him and gave him something he had bought for him.  He ended up here for around 3 hours and I was exhausted when he left. He mentioned he wanted to take S out for his birthday at some point.  S didn't want to go but was polite and hoped it would not be mentioned again. At one point he mentioned an old boss of his from the height of his MLC. She had almost got as much blame as I had for his life at that point.  He talked about her and said she had messaged him asking how he was doing as they were again working in a similar environment. I noticed the anger still in him at this point.  I was surprised but he still has a lot of anger towards her.  I am unsure if this was 100% MLC anger at the time or if she did deserve any of it but it was interesting to see this anger still in him and obviously unresolved and what seemed, to me, to be unfair towards her but I don't know all the facts having never worked with him. I do know he has worked there for over 30 years and never had this anger to anyone before and I believe she may have been the tipping point in his MLC perfect storm.

It was our WA the week after and H called both children, both didn't answer, and so he messaged them saying it was just to catch up. WA continues to be the hardest day of the year for me. I was kind to myself and had fun.

Rose 🌹
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

T
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 206
  • Gender: Male
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#27: July 06, 2021, 03:35:11 PM
Hi Rose
I hope you’re keeping well. I find WAs tough as well, along with W’s birthday (where I buy presents for the kids to give W knowing full well I won’t see any of them that day).   Did you do anything in particular to mark the day or did you just focus on something completely different?
Moon
  • Logged
Me:46, W: 43
Married: 2007
D11 and D8
BD 1: Jan 2018 ILYBINILWY
BD2: Feb 2018 EA discovered
August 2018, I move to own place.  No talk of divorce yet.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1262
  • Gender: Female
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#28: July 06, 2021, 05:31:03 PM
Hi Moon.

Lovely to hear from you and I must post on your thread. Hope you are ok.

On WA I went shopping, went out for lunch and dinner and had a lovely treat day for me. It was the day I picked as my most special when we booked our wedding so still love it - and find it very difficult at the same time.

Will be back
Rose 🌹
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

T
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 206
  • Gender: Male
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#29: July 08, 2021, 03:24:28 PM
Hi Rose
Sounds lovely but I know what you mean though - I find a lot of my fondest memories are now overshadowed.  I never knew the true meaning of ‘bittersweet’ until my W’s MLC.  Still, at least those memories serve to remind us that we did have good marriages no matter what our MLCer now believes.
Moon. 
  • Logged
Me:46, W: 43
Married: 2007
D11 and D8
BD 1: Jan 2018 ILYBINILWY
BD2: Feb 2018 EA discovered
August 2018, I move to own place.  No talk of divorce yet.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1754
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#30: July 15, 2021, 10:09:08 AM
Rose.....I love reading your posts...Despite everything you have gone through...you do exude PEACE and an unbelievable strength.

Expectations....hard to keep in tow but you bounce back so well.

Hugs to you!  Keep that chin up.  You are an inspiration!
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1262
  • Gender: Female
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#31: August 20, 2021, 08:14:34 AM
Moon, I really appreciate your support here. Thanks a lot

Sam, so lovely to hear from you on here and your words mean so much.

H came round to take S out for his birthday as he had mentioned when we saw him last.  S didn't want to go but H was keen, I think FIL was pushing it and H couldn't say no.

He decided it was unfair on D so he would take her and S and then go out with S and FIL. So H,  S & D went out to eat and then D was dropped off and H & S went out with FIL.

When S came home he said he had something to tell me.  He said H had told him in the car that he was moving in with OW2. Imagine my child having to tell me that and protect my feelings. S said he had shouted at H at how stupid he was being and that he would rather he had died. S spoke with more maturity than H does and S suggested to me that H would be best having some time on his own to sort his head out as he said 'he's not right'. H's reasoning to S was typical MLC and it was interesting, if not devastating, to see S's reaction to this immature reasoning.

S said it was best not to tell D as she had a few things on and it would ruin it. Imagine S thinking of that. I hate that he is holding my emotions and his sisters emotions to soften the blow, he should be thinking about normal child's things rather than this ridiculousness. I agreed though, I would tell D when it was right.

S said H was going to be calling me to tell me about him moving in with OW2. H told S not to tell me.  So his plan was S would go to bed with this as a secret and I wouldn't know.  Thank goodness S did tell me and got it out of him. H is unbelievable, even now.

I am now unsure of what happened as March/April/May he visited us or messaged or popped by every week.  He was different. Maybe they had fallen out and moving in is how they make up. Maybe he had already moved in and was visiting us like he had previously visited her. I don't know or care but I am interested to note it and have been back through it wondering if I made it up but I didn't.  He was different and hadn't been like that during his MLC.

H did call the next day but I didn't answer.  I usually do answer although I don't want to but this time I didn't. D was there and I knew what he was going to say. What am I supposed to reply to that? I didn't answer.

My inner peace has been tested.

Rose 🌹
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

5
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 297
  • Gender: Female
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#32: August 21, 2021, 08:08:26 AM
Did not know you started another link.  I am attached now.....
  • Logged

G
  • **
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 62
  • Gender: Female
Re: He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#33: August 22, 2021, 04:43:37 PM
Rose, I do t have anything insightful or helpful to say but I did want to say I’m sorry. Thinking of you and wishing you that peace you so deserve.
  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 1
  • Gender: Female
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#34: August 22, 2021, 05:00:11 PM
Rose, this is my first-ever reply on the Forum after a very long time reading. I'm compelled to write because my heart hurts deeply for you and your children. I know this pain. Literally moments ago I was told the same thing from my D as she opened up voluntarily and bawled trying to talk to me. She volunteered that she heard OW talking to movers in the car returning from a weekend road trip w H. D said she asked H what it was about and he told her (while D was in back seat all alone) they were moving in tog. Heart ripped out doesn't even begin to describe the pain I feel and knowing my young D had this insensitive appalling situation to end her weekend. You can call this MLC or ABC...it doesn't matter. Pathetic.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 872
  • Gender: Male
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#35: August 23, 2021, 09:35:46 AM
So sorry to hear about your H moving in with OW. And to expect your S to keep this a secret from you. Unbelievable is right. >:(

I'm reminded of an argument my XW (then W) and D had when D was 18 or so. I had to mediate it and I was struck by how much more mature D was than my W.

Does this change anything for you? Or is it just one more hurtful thing in a big long line of hurtful things?

Anyway.... I have no advice for you. But I'm very sad and sorry that a lovely person like you has to deal with all this. Be good to yourself. You're a very strong woman Rose!
  • Logged
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27. Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA  |  BD #2: 2018 - FA

W moved out - June 2019 | OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019 | Divorce final - September 2019 | Moving on

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

New Here? Read this! http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.0

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1754
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#36: September 01, 2021, 04:04:37 PM
Rose,

Sorry to hear about OW2 and H.  Them swinging back gives false hope and then they pull the rug again.  It stinks!

What is worse is him putting S in the middle of it.  Total immaturity!  Very sad!

I am so glad your kids have a mom as strong as you are to keep guiding them and loving and supporting them!

Keep taking care of yourself and your precious family!  Things will all work out for you in the end!

You got this Rose!

Sam
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

s
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1764
  • Gender: Female
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#37: January 08, 2022, 04:40:39 AM
It’s been a while since I’ve properly been on the forum and I hope you had a lovely Christmas and new year.

The thing that struck me and shows he’s still an a$$ isn’t the moving in with Ow. That’s by the by. But the way in which he’s gone about it. Your poor S beinf put in the middle like that. That’s really not fair.
  • Logged
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1262
  • Gender: Female
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#38: January 14, 2022, 03:20:54 AM
5hil, Gracie, alwayshopeful, PJ, Sam & Sachat thank you.

Alwayshopeful, I feel for you. How are things now?

A few weeks after H told S he was moving in with OW2 (a much younger girl in another City) H called me while I was out. He wanted to collect some mail and was checking I was in. S was in alone so I didn’t want H going there and I didn’t want to see H but agreed to meet him in an hour so I could get home. I was heading that way anyway.

I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want him to tell me he was living with OW2. I didn’t want S involved and I was plunged into solution mode and it had to be quick. I couldn’t see any way around him being here and not mentioning OW2 and I was just not interested in talking about that. Also I had things on and didn’t want him hanging around for any length of time.

I decided to head immediately to the house, grab his mail and post it in his parents house then text him to say I had to go out again and he could get his mail there solving his problem, avoiding him and his conversations and carrying on with my day.

It was such an adrenaline filled thing to do as I kept expecting him to either be at our house, turn up at our house, be at his parents house or turn up at his parents as I was there. I also didn’t want him turning up at our house while I was out and S was in so had to quickly text him when I had given the mail to his parents to tell him where it was so he would, hopefully, not gone to ours.

I decided to take P out for a walk afterwards so I was around but not home for an hour or so afterwards.

As I’m now expert at these ridiculous scenarios so this one was a success. I didn’t see him or hear from him for another few weeks.

It was MIL birthday a few weeks later and H called me that night. He seemed to be driving. Probably to the new City having visited his Mom, it didn’t seem like OW2 was there in the car with him.

He told me ‘to give his parents more space he was moving in with OW2’. I realised he may tell me this so replied with ‘ok’. He said he had told S about it and asked had he mentioned it. I had thought about this. I didn’t want anything going back on S. I said that FIL had been talking with S and told him and that I heard. This was true. Of course both S and I knew when FIL said but I missed that part out.

H then went on to say that S had spoken to him ‘in the worst way anyone has in his life’. (S had been shouting at him and told him it feels like he is dead). H wanted me to side with him and I didn’t say anything much at all. Afterwards I wished I had asked what the worst thing anyone had said to S in his life - his father saying he’s moving in with OW2 perhaps?

I would class this as narcissism. H was the victim.

I wondered if H was always like this and I am now seeing it. I still don’t think he was. I just don’t think I would marry that. It’s so ugly to me and always has been. Having thought through it all, I decided this is like temporary (hopefully) narcissism. That’s what it feels like and what I believe. It helped me distance further from him. FIL is narcissistic and H had lived with him for over 3.5 years at that point.

H asked if I had mentioned to D about his move. I said I had to as was worried she’d hear from FIL like S did - so I told her (in reality I told D that MIL had mentioned to me H was spending a lot of time with OW2. That was enough for D.). H asked what D had said and I answered ‘she felt similar to S’. That was enough detail I thought.

A few months afterwards was H’s birthday. He had messaged me on our family group chat at my birthday, when he came closer at that time, and so I echoed that saying similar to ’HB from the 3 of us plus P’. He replied later with ‘thanks’.

Both children ignored his messages for months with S occasionally replying just to be nice. D found it easier to push it to the back of her mind and focus on school. She didn’t respond for over 6 months.

I know how D feels, it’s much easier not having his presence around as it’s so up, down and overwhelming.
Rose 🌹

  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 364
  • Gender: Female
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#39: January 17, 2022, 12:53:09 PM
Gosh Rose, he's still a mess isn't he?

It is easier when they're not around. I know that feeling of doing things to avoid them. I've done that too.

What are we now Rose? 6 years in and still our H's show no sign of leaving the fog. I'm sad for our S and Ds too - so much lost time with their dysfunctional parent. Good job they have us, right?

Keep on keeping on. Hugs.
  • Logged
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1262
  • Gender: Female
He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#40: Today at 03:00:54 AM
You got that right Music! Such a shame for our children but good job they have us.

It really is isn’t it. We are pivotal in this. I’m so proud of how I have weaved my way through my 5+ years of this incredible situation. The advice I was given IRW out of HS would have taken us a different route and wasn’t right for the children or me. Even now I see that my parents would not have got the children to such a good place as I have now, you are the same Music. We lived it, understood it (understood it can’t be understood of course!) and navigated a course of survival which will last them a lifetime.

HS helped so much with that, your support played a huge part too Music. I remember once you saying ‘he can’t plug the dam forever’ referring to something shocks Sis said and that one sentence kept me going for months.

You raised me up to more than I could be, and I am forever grateful.
Rose 🌹
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.