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Author Topic: My Story He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace

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My Story Re: He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#30: July 15, 2021, 10:09:08 AM
Rose.....I love reading your posts...Despite everything you have gone through...you do exude PEACE and an unbelievable strength.

Expectations....hard to keep in tow but you bounce back so well.

Hugs to you!  Keep that chin up.  You are an inspiration!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW
9.4.18  Moved back-At Parents 
11.1.18  OW back.  H living w/her in D's basement 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced  that he moved to sisters
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hrs away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Early Spring 2021 - helping with chores again then stopped and is getting more distant gradually

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married
D -33 Married with 3 children 
S - 31 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#31: August 20, 2021, 08:14:34 AM
Moon, I really appreciate your support here. Thanks a lot

Sam, so lovely to hear from you on here and your words mean so much.

H came round to take S out for his birthday as he had mentioned when we saw him last.  S didn't want to go but H was keen, I think FIL was pushing it and H couldn't say no.

He decided it was unfair on D so he would take her and S and then go out with S and FIL. So H,  S & D went out to eat and then D was dropped off and H & S went out with FIL.

When S came home he said he had something to tell me.  He said H had told him in the car that he was moving in with OW2. Imagine my child having to tell me that and protect my feelings. S said he had shouted at H at how stupid he was being and that he would rather he had died. S spoke with more maturity than H does and S suggested to me that H would be best having some time on his own to sort his head out as he said 'he's not right'. H's reasoning to S was typical MLC and it was interesting, if not devastating, to see S's reaction to this immature reasoning.

S said it was best not to tell D as she had a few things on and it would ruin it. Imagine S thinking of that. I hate that he is holding my emotions and his sisters emotions to soften the blow, he should be thinking about normal child's things rather than this ridiculousness. I agreed though, I would tell D when it was right.

S said H was going to be calling me to tell me about him moving in with OW2. H told S not to tell me.  So his plan was S would go to bed with this as a secret and I wouldn't know.  Thank goodness S did tell me and got it out of him. H is unbelievable, even now.

I am now unsure of what happened as March/April/May he visited us or messaged or popped by every week.  He was different. Maybe they had fallen out and moving in is how they make up. Maybe he had already moved in and was visiting us like he had previously visited her. I don't know or care but I am interested to note it and have been back through it wondering if I made it up but I didn't.  He was different and hadn't been like that during his MLC.

H did call the next day but I didn't answer.  I usually do answer although I don't want to but this time I didn't. D was there and I knew what he was going to say. What am I supposed to reply to that? I didn't answer.

My inner peace has been tested.

Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

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He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#32: August 21, 2021, 08:08:26 AM
Did not know you started another link.  I am attached now.....
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Re: He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#33: August 22, 2021, 04:43:37 PM
Rose, I do t have anything insightful or helpful to say but I did want to say I’m sorry. Thinking of you and wishing you that peace you so deserve.
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He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#34: August 22, 2021, 05:00:11 PM
Rose, this is my first-ever reply on the Forum after a very long time reading. I'm compelled to write because my heart hurts deeply for you and your children. I know this pain. Literally moments ago I was told the same thing from my D as she opened up voluntarily and bawled trying to talk to me. She volunteered that she heard OW talking to movers in the car returning from a weekend road trip w H. D said she asked H what it was about and he told her (while D was in back seat all alone) they were moving in tog. Heart ripped out doesn't even begin to describe the pain I feel and knowing my young D had this insensitive appalling situation to end her weekend. You can call this MLC or ABC...it doesn't matter. Pathetic.
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He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#35: August 23, 2021, 09:35:46 AM
So sorry to hear about your H moving in with OW. And to expect your S to keep this a secret from you. Unbelievable is right. >:(

I'm reminded of an argument my XW (then W) and D had when D was 18 or so. I had to mediate it and I was struck by how much more mature D was than my W.

Does this change anything for you? Or is it just one more hurtful thing in a big long line of hurtful things?

Anyway.... I have no advice for you. But I'm very sad and sorry that a lovely person like you has to deal with all this. Be good to yourself. You're a very strong woman Rose!
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27. Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA  |  BD #2: 2018 - FA

W moved out - June 2019 | OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019 | Divorce final - September 2019 | Moving on

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

New Here? Read this! http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.0

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Re: He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#36: September 01, 2021, 04:04:37 PM
Rose,

Sorry to hear about OW2 and H.  Them swinging back gives false hope and then they pull the rug again.  It stinks!

What is worse is him putting S in the middle of it.  Total immaturity!  Very sad!

I am so glad your kids have a mom as strong as you are to keep guiding them and loving and supporting them!

Keep taking care of yourself and your precious family!  Things will all work out for you in the end!

You got this Rose!

Sam
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW
9.4.18  Moved back-At Parents 
11.1.18  OW back.  H living w/her in D's basement 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced  that he moved to sisters
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hrs away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Early Spring 2021 - helping with chores again then stopped and is getting more distant gradually

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married
D -33 Married with 3 children 
S - 31 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

s
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He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#37: January 08, 2022, 04:40:39 AM
It’s been a while since I’ve properly been on the forum and I hope you had a lovely Christmas and new year.

The thing that struck me and shows he’s still an a$$ isn’t the moving in with Ow. That’s by the by. But the way in which he’s gone about it. Your poor S beinf put in the middle like that. That’s really not fair.
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Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

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He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#38: January 14, 2022, 03:20:54 AM
5hil, Gracie, alwayshopeful, PJ, Sam & Sachat thank you.

Alwayshopeful, I feel for you. How are things now?

A few weeks after H told S he was moving in with OW2 (a much younger girl in another City) H called me while I was out. He wanted to collect some mail and was checking I was in. S was in alone so I didn’t want H going there and I didn’t want to see H but agreed to meet him in an hour so I could get home. I was heading that way anyway.

I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want him to tell me he was living with OW2. I didn’t want S involved and I was plunged into solution mode and it had to be quick. I couldn’t see any way around him being here and not mentioning OW2 and I was just not interested in talking about that. Also I had things on and didn’t want him hanging around for any length of time.

I decided to head immediately to the house, grab his mail and post it in his parents house then text him to say I had to go out again and he could get his mail there solving his problem, avoiding him and his conversations and carrying on with my day.

It was such an adrenaline filled thing to do as I kept expecting him to either be at our house, turn up at our house, be at his parents house or turn up at his parents as I was there. I also didn’t want him turning up at our house while I was out and S was in so had to quickly text him when I had given the mail to his parents to tell him where it was so he would, hopefully, not gone to ours.

I decided to take P out for a walk afterwards so I was around but not home for an hour or so afterwards.

As I’m now expert at these ridiculous scenarios so this one was a success. I didn’t see him or hear from him for another few weeks.

It was MIL birthday a few weeks later and H called me that night. He seemed to be driving. Probably to the new City having visited his Mom, it didn’t seem like OW2 was there in the car with him.

He told me ‘to give his parents more space he was moving in with OW2’. I realised he may tell me this so replied with ‘ok’. He said he had told S about it and asked had he mentioned it. I had thought about this. I didn’t want anything going back on S. I said that FIL had been talking with S and told him and that I heard. This was true. Of course both S and I knew when FIL said but I missed that part out.

H then went on to say that S had spoken to him ‘in the worst way anyone has in his life’. (S had been shouting at him and told him it feels like he is dead). H wanted me to side with him and I didn’t say anything much at all. Afterwards I wished I had asked what the worst thing anyone had said to S in his life - his father saying he’s moving in with OW2 perhaps?

I would class this as narcissism. H was the victim.

I wondered if H was always like this and I am now seeing it. I still don’t think he was. I just don’t think I would marry that. It’s so ugly to me and always has been. Having thought through it all, I decided this is like temporary (hopefully) narcissism. That’s what it feels like and what I believe. It helped me distance further from him. FIL is narcissistic and H had lived with him for over 3.5 years at that point.

H asked if I had mentioned to D about his move. I said I had to as was worried she’d hear from FIL like S did - so I told her (in reality I told D that MIL had mentioned to me H was spending a lot of time with OW2. That was enough for D.). H asked what D had said and I answered ‘she felt similar to S’. That was enough detail I thought.

A few months afterwards was H’s birthday. He had messaged me on our family group chat at my birthday, when he came closer at that time, and so I echoed that saying similar to ’HB from the 3 of us plus P’. He replied later with ‘thanks’.

Both children ignored his messages for months with S occasionally replying just to be nice. D found it easier to push it to the back of her mind and focus on school. She didn’t respond for over 6 months.

I know how D feels, it’s much easier not having his presence around as it’s so up, down and overwhelming.
Rose 🌹

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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

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He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
#39: January 17, 2022, 12:53:09 PM
Gosh Rose, he's still a mess isn't he?

It is easier when they're not around. I know that feeling of doing things to avoid them. I've done that too.

What are we now Rose? 6 years in and still our H's show no sign of leaving the fog. I'm sad for our S and Ds too - so much lost time with their dysfunctional parent. Good job they have us, right?

Keep on keeping on. Hugs.
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Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

 

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