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Author Topic: My Story My new Normal 5.0

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My Story My new Normal 5.0
#50: June 10, 2022, 10:59:06 AM
Thanks Curiosity, XYZCF and Evermore,  It's nice to always have support from all on this group.  Defiantly not rainbows and unicorns here, but at least the Bat S*%$ crazy has ended!   

 
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But building something, and that includes rebuilding, has to be slow and deliberate. Measure twice, cut once and all that. And the need for marriage counseling, I think varies widely… as does the need for individual counseling for one or both people.

Rebuilding is defiantly slow.  This was something I had to learn.  I thought my H would just "come to his senses" and we would live on our merry way.  Not how it is at all.  It has been full of stops and starts and hurt and loss.  It is also starting to feel like there is hope for a new beginning.   Measure twice cut once was what my dad used to always say!  :).  Marriage Counseling has been interesting.  We have been to a total of 4 in the last 6 years.  It was a huge bust while my H was in replay. Loads of lies.  Right now, the thought of going to a marriage counselor and explaining the last 6 years makes me sick to my stomach.  My H's IC used to be our marriage counselor and he has been passing along some tips and tools for moving forward.  Quite helpful.  I still see my IC when I feel like I need it.  Sometimes we just need a refresher. 

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This too is very common. I often read on HS how they "know what they are doing" and I do not believe that they really totally do. They are driven by something deep and internal and many are shocked by things that they did over the years.

Something I'm seeing more and more as we talk.  My H is shocked at some of the things I tell him.  He tears up often when we talk.  I'm very calm about it all now and it's more like a matter of fact talk.  He is working his way through this.  Opening those closed compartments and dealing with them at his own pace. 

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It seems to need genuine calmness and peace within the LBS before it can begin

Very true in my case.  I spent a lot of the past year in pain.  Loads of triggers, loads of trauma.  I am a reactionary person who is trying to get this under control.  I was expecting my H to deal with my trauma while dealing with his own.  He would shut down.  Taking responsibility for our own emotions has been a big thing.  We talked about that just this am.  We are going on a road trip in a few weeks and are going to listen to Non Violent Communication once again (Thanks Acorn)  All about how to talk along with take responsibility for ourselves. 

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The LBS needs to be healed enough to be genuinely calm and controlled. The MLCer has to be ‘through’ enough to start to reflect on, face, and then work through their issues.
YES^^^^^

The last few days we have had some really good talks.   A couple of nights ago I had a complete breakdown about my D graduating and moving away.  She was my one kid left in the house when BD hit.  She was 16 and hated her dad and hated me for staying with her dad.  We went though a horrible 2 years  until I got detachment down and I turned my focus on helping her.  The last 4 years we have grown into really having an amazing relationship.  She has only been 2 hours away and I would often take our Pug Gertie down to see her on a whim.  She has been a big distraction for me during all of this.  Knowing that she is going to be far away is hitting me hard.  (None of our 4 kids live close)  I started to cry the other night and my H hugged me and said. "You still have me"  It was nice to hear. 

Hugs to all.  You have an amazing  community here full of amazing people who know just what you are going through.  Listen and take away advice. Also cut yourself some slack when you feel like you are falling backwards.  It's all part of the learning process. 
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Husband 58
Me 58
Kids 3 sons 33, 30, 28 1 daughter 24
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 36years.  Together 38
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-PA

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My new Normal 5.0
#51: June 10, 2022, 06:09:59 PM
Roo, so good to read an update.  Hugs back atcha!  Great advice here.

Hugs to all.  You have an amazing  community here full of amazing people who know just what you are going through.  Listen and take away advice. Also cut yourself some slack when you feel like you are falling backwards.  It's all part of the learning process. 
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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My new Normal 5.0
#52: December 08, 2022, 06:58:42 AM
Hello HS family.

Thought I would send out an update as it’s been a almost 6 months since the last one.  Lots of changes with our family the past 6 months.  My D (youngest of 4) is now 23 graduated from University and landed a great job many states away. This was more difficult on me then I imagined it would be.  She was the only one of my children who was in the home when MLC started (She was 16 at the time)  She and I formed a very close bond.  Her school was only 2 hours away and now she is across the country.  I went through a big empty nest grief that I wasn’t expecting,as all of my children have left our state.  I talk to her daily.  She also is beginning to heal with her Dad.  He tells me about the texts and phone calls he has with her.  I stay completely out of their relationship, but I can see a new bond beginning to form.  This out of everything makes me so incredibly happy.  He missed so much, and their relationship was broken.   I am so thankful they both are working towards something better and I am not involved in making it happen. 

My oldest S (31) got married in September.  I was a big part of the wedding as that is what my new job is, event planning and coordination.  During MLC all 3 of my sons got married.  My S (29) was married young at the beginning of MLC.  Right before BD and I knew walking down the aisle with my H that something was very wrong. At the reception he was trying to dance with all the bridesmaids and made pretty much an A$$ out of himself.  My 3rd S (27) was married last October.  We were still early on in reconnecting.  My H was pretty stoic and subdued, shut down and depressed.  This last wedding my H was so helpful and emotional.  During the ceremony I looked over and he was a bucket of tears.  We had a great time at the reception, he held my hand often and told me what a good job I had done with the wedding and what a good Mom I have been to our children.   A friend joked the other day how my son’s weddings were like bookends to MLC.  Beginning, middle and end. 

As for my H and I, we continue down the path of healing.  None of it has been easy, none of it has been linear.  We both continue to heal ourselves along with healing our relationship.  We both have been tempted to throw in the towel and call it quits many times.  We were stuck for about 5 months in the cycle of me stuck in trauma and him stuck in shame shut down.  We couldn’t talk about what had happened to us because our cycle was horrible.  We both were living pretty much separate lives, very surface relationship.  It was not good, and I often questioned “What is the point?” We both decided we could not fix us without help.  We started up MC again (5th time is a charm right :)!)  I was so skeptical as we had been down this path before.  This time was different.  We are using his IC as our MC now and he is wonderful.  He is opening both of us up and we are talking more than we ever have.  It has taken some time, but we seem to be headed down a better path.  We are both committed to fixing us, we are both there because we want to be.  Slowly we are finding our way. 
I think that maybe I am going through a midlife transition.  My coffee shop closed in Covid and I had to reinvent myself a bit.  I have a lot more time to myself and am liking my own company!  I am doing event planning and keeping busy with being an advocate for kids in foster care. Gertie, my MLC pug and I are very close.  Best decision I made during my H’s MLC. I’ve done lots of work on digging into my own past (Not easy) and seeing the things in me that needed to be changed.  I’ve stopped fixing everyone and everything around me.  I’ve stopping thinking that I have control of situations when I don’t.  On some levels I’m so much calmer than I used to be, and on some levels I am more vocal than ever.  This is something new in our marriage as I now speak up and let my real feelings be known.  Hard for my H to get used to.  We have more arguments now that we ever did in our marriage.  They aren’t loud and angry, we are learning to discuss.  I’ve spent a lot of time helping my aging parents who live 2 states away.  My 90 year old Dad is battling bi-polar and my mom as very little patience left to deal with him.  I just spent 2 weeks in the house I grew up in and slept in my childhood bed.  Lots of FOO issues came up, looking into those now.  Working on forgiving myself for allowing my H’s MLC drive so many decisions.  We both were clinging boomerangs. 

My H is moving forward as well.  The more I am calm the more he comes towards me.  I see so many of his good qualities coming back.  I forget sometimes that he needs to hear this.  His emotions are coming back, his empathy is coming back.  It has been slow for sure.  I realize now that I was pushing him into a quicker healing, this was setting him back.  He talks about his MLC as “The time I went off the deep end”  He knows the damage he did.  He shared with me the other night that our D called him for some financial advice at the end of the call she said “Thanks Dad, I love you” He said that was the first time in 7 years she has said it first.  He teared up.  I’m learning that the pain and suffering he went through was great.  He can only process so much at a time.  The overwhelming sense of shame can be consuming.  Giving him room is the best thing I can do. 

Just like MLC is different for everyone, I think reconnection is as well.  I continue to read here often and see so much of myself in the reconnection stories posted.  So thankful this site still exists as it saved me during the darkest times.   Keep moving forward with yourselves and control only what you can.  If you have children, hold them tight and be the rock for them.   
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« Last Edit: December 08, 2022, 07:00:25 AM by 9393roo »
Husband 58
Me 58
Kids 3 sons 33, 30, 28 1 daughter 24
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 36years.  Together 38
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-PA

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My new Normal 5.0
#53: December 09, 2022, 12:43:15 AM
Thanks for coming back Roo and letting us know how things are going. Reconnection/reconciliation are not easy paths and not for the faint of heart.... Won't be too long and we'll be changing your icon to pink I think....
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Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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My new Normal 5.0
#54: December 16, 2022, 09:55:06 PM
Great to hear from your Roo.  Interesting about the book end weddings and I'm so glad that the two of you are moving towards each other now and glad that the MC is helping here in the aftermath of MLC.  Thinking so many positive thoughts for you as you reconnect!
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

9
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  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
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  • Gender: Female
My new Normal 5.0
#55: March 24, 2023, 11:03:00 AM
Hello,

Thought I would do an update since there has been more movement in my life, peeling back the many layers of reconnection with my H.
 
The holidays came and went and they were all good.  Lots of family lots of fun and something I began noticing more and more, lots of alcohol.   In December, My H and I seemed to be in a good place and mutually decided that we would stop MC for a bit.  We thought we were communicating better until we weren’t.  Mid-January and February I began to see shifts in my H again.  Working nonstop and drinking daily to let down at the end of the day.  We both were busy, and I started to notice we stopped focusing on our relationship and making sure it was getting nurtured.  I was feeling neglected and asked to go back to MC.  H said he really didn’t want to go anymore.  This wasn’t working for me.  We started to argue more and more and communication was in a break down.  I had to leave town for a week to help take care of my dad while my mom went on a vacation, and my H went into massive breakdown mode.  He had to travel to the town where OW 1 lives and where he still has business and decided to drown his stress and not dealing with himself with some binge drinking.  I got caught on his roller coaster and started to spiral.  I ended up talking to him when he was really drunk and told him I wasn’t going to watch him implode again.  I told him this was not what I had envisioned my life to be at 58 and it was not the way I was going to continue.  I didn’t realize how much he had fallen in the previous months, trying instead to focus on myself.   He came home on his own and got in contact with AA. (I had nothing to do with this-all on his own)  He has been sober for almost 3 weeks now and attending meetings.  His sobriety has so far made a HUGE impact on our relationship and on him personally.  He has come to terms that he is an alcoholic and has been for quite some time.  We are taking life day by day now, but a sense of calm seems to have come over both of us.  Hoping it can continue but knowing I am going to be ok if it doesn’t. 

When he joined AA I decided to join Al-Anon.  So far its been a pretty incredible program.  I see so much of what is taught here on HS being put into action by so many.  “Let go and let God”  “Control what you can” and do a complete inventory of yourself.  Seeing how much alcohol has been an issue we both have avoided has been eye opening.  I highly recommend this program to anyone who has an alcoholic in their life. 
 
Still continuing to work on myself and my codependent ways.  Taking back my life while my H continues to regain his.  The other night he said to me.  “I’m going to be a better man”  I responded “We are going to be better people” 

Continuing movement forward.  It really comes down to taking responsibility for yourself in the end. 

Sending you all hugs as you navigate MLC and beyond. 

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Husband 58
Me 58
Kids 3 sons 33, 30, 28 1 daughter 24
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 36years.  Together 38
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-PA

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My new Normal 5.0
#56: March 24, 2023, 01:40:30 PM
Thank you for coming back to update. Always so interesting to get these updates
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There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

Indefatigability - determined to do or achieve something; firmness of purpose
perspicacity- a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight

Married July 1991
Jan 2018 BD1 moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW
Feb 2022  XH fired
May 2023 went NC after telling XH we could not be friends
Aug 2023 XH moves w/o OWife

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My new Normal 5.0
#57: March 27, 2023, 05:10:37 AM
H admitting to being an alcoholic is a MAJORLY big deal and hopefully the beginnings of his recovery!

Nice to get an update!

UM
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Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

9
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  • Gender: Female
My new Normal 5.0
#58: March 29, 2023, 07:07:36 AM
Thanks Mad and Ursa,

Huge seems to be an understatement when it comes to sobriety in my case.  Daily now my H is opening up in ways I never thought would happen.  I just passed my 7th BD anniversary.  I have almost given up on this relationship so many times.  In January and February I was thinking "Is this it? after all that we have been through is this the marriage I am going to have to live with?"  I was making plans to end it and possibly separate.  I am learning now that we really have no control over anything our spouse choses to do, none.   

It honestly feels like a whole new road we are on.  We are talking more than we ever have, we are calmer than we have ever been.  I think it is the result of both of us working in tandem to heal ourselves first and our relationship second.  Still have work to do (Maybe we always will)  but after 7 years it feels like we are on the right path finally.  We are both different people and our old marriage that I wanted so badly to return is gone.  Hoping in its place will be a healthy, less codependent, honest partnership.   

Onward.... because forward is really the only option! 

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Husband 58
Me 58
Kids 3 sons 33, 30, 28 1 daughter 24
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 36years.  Together 38
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-PA

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12538
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
My new Normal 5.0
#59: March 29, 2023, 08:41:28 AM
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Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

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