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Author Topic: My Story Growing #11 - Burn the Ships

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My Story Growing #11 - Burn the Ships
OP: May 27, 2021, 05:25:50 PM
So, welcome to my new thread.
Old thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?action=post;msg=782106;topic=11643.0

The title of my thread is based on a song that I love, and is about starting over.
Burn the Ship by King and Country - If you care to listen:  https://open.spotify.com/track/6qNSq6OKjNgXAn3Kj9HBKf?si=a2dafe2885054b68

Lyrics (paraphrased):
Step into a new day
We can rise up from the dust and walk away
We can dance upon the heartache -- yeah...
So light a match, leave the past, burn the ship
And don't you look back

Don't let it arrest you
This fear of fallin' again
And if you need a refuge
I will be right here until the end
Oh, it's time to...

Burn the ships, cut the ties
Send a flare into the night
Say a prayer, turn the tide
Dry your tears and wave goodbye



Summary:
Age 59, H60
3 adult children, one still at home with me until goes back to college in Fall
Met 1984 (37 years ago), Married 1992 (29 years ago), BD 5/27/2017 (4 years ago), Divorced 6/2019
H moved out 3/2018, He filed for Divorce 11/18, Bought house for him and ow 1/2019, engaged to ow 5/20 and married ow 10/20.  On honeymoon this week...
Never thought I'd be starting empty nester years alone...

So, today is the 4 year anniversary of my BD when I saw an email from H to a co worker about a concert he wanted her to go with him out of town and how sad he was that she wasn't going to be there, and how he hoped that they could do it soon.  He left to go to that concert 2 hours away and didn't want me to go.  That was the beginning of the end. 
Shortly thereafter, he experienced 25 pound weight loss, gym mania, motorcycle lesson, road bike, tattoos, nights away from family, many missed events with son in high school.  You all know the story...  Now near complete vanisher to me and minimal contact with his sons. 

I am in a pretty good place emotionally.  Had some cycling because I often hear about him through my sons (not intentionally on either party) and think about the life (style) that I had and now no longer have.  I'm working many more hours and trying to get my retirement built up for the future.  Also, no child support as youngest son is 19, so I've been supporting him since he returned from college due to covid in November.  On the brighter side, I've been doing things that make me happy - hiking, camping, kayaking, wine cruises, etc.  I miss my husband, but have grown so much through his MLC. 

I think the hardest thing has been how easily I felt I was replaced.  How I never got an explanation or any conversation about his unhappiness or what he was feeling.  He didn't tell me when he filed for divorce; I just got a phone call from my lawyer.  He didn't tell me when he was going to move out, he just told me that he was going to stay the night in a hotel, and he never returned.  He has never told me about the affair, but eventually admitted it after she had posted publicly on facebook while we were still married and he was living at home and he took her on a trip out of the country while I was having a 6 hour surgery.  I think he is still deep in replay, and hope that he gets the help that he will need to address his issues -- when he's ready --  if he's ever ready. 

I haven't been posting much, because there's not much to post.
I am getting stronger after the setback by the engagement and marriage to ow; I thought he'd never actually do it.
He told me that I'd never survive if we got divorced; so I've proven him wrong.  I'm surviving and thriving...

Welcome along.
I look forward to sharing my journey with you all.

Sea

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« Last Edit: May 28, 2021, 12:48:35 PM by Seahorse »

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Growing #11 - Burn the Ships
#1: May 27, 2021, 05:44:39 PM
I love the title!!!!

Following along,

-SS
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W - 41
M - 44
Together 25 years, M 23
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

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Growing #11 - Burn the Ships
#2: May 27, 2021, 08:13:45 PM
Following along, Sea.
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H
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Growing #11 - Burn the Ships
#3: May 27, 2021, 08:43:37 PM
Hi Sea!  Following along too.

Loved seeing For King and Country in concert live.  Listening to them and other Christian artists lifts me up and brings me joy during my difficult times.  Thx for sharing.

HF
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W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021
D Final - Jan 2022

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Growing #11 - Burn the Ships
#4: May 28, 2021, 01:24:01 AM
Great title, Sea  :)

And yes, you sound in a stronger, better mindset than you may have been in the past. (Although I hope you are kind to yourself about all the messy emotions that come from the loss of such a long relationship of decades. Regardless of how or why, that’s a big loss, a big ship right?)

Quote
I think the hardest thing has been how easily I felt I was replaced.  How I never got an explanation or any conversation about his unhappiness or what he was feeling.  He didn't tell me when he filed for divorce; I just got a phone call from my lawyer.  He didn't tell me when he was going to move out, he just told me that he was going to stay the night in a hotel, and he never returned.  He has never told me about the affair, but eventually admitted it after she had posted publicly on facebook while we were still married and he was living at home and he took her on a trip out of the country while I was having a 6 hour surgery. 

I could have written my own version of something almost identical to this. Being ghosted out of your own previous life and marriage and view of the world is a very strange experience indeed. And a cruel and confusing one.

Where my POV differs is I never felt replaced; discarded, yes, but not replaced. Bc even in my worst times, I knew that life doesn’t work that way. None of my cats have replaced lost ones bc each is unique. None of my friends are swop-ins for another bc each is unique. None of my jobs have been replacements, just different. Rationally speaking, one simply can’t replace, say, a thirty year relationship with another human with a new one....they are different......one might be worse or better from one’s current POV, true enough, but they are obviously different.  People are not disposable and replaceable objects....well, only to the emotionally disordered  ::).....and if you see them as so, eventually you will have to face the reality that the common denominator in one’s own life is you, and look, there you still are with all your s$it  ::)

I think part of our inherent struggle is in accepting that - for whatever reason - our spouses became people who did not value the uniqueness built over time as we did and/or thought that they could replace it with something better (in which case of course they are doomed to failure lol..and strangely they seem to so often pick very poorly lol). But it is a hard pill to swallow that, whatever the whys and wherefores, they chose to discard what they had for something different. And that they were/are sufficiently disordered to not only burn their own ships but ours too  :)

So, please try to acknowledge that your feeling of being ‘replaced’ is rationally an impossibility. It is hard enough to accept that one has been discarded, devalued and betrayed lol. Whether your xh’s new life with owife is good, bad or indifferent - same for mine - it is still true that he lost much of what you lost. The only difference from what I can see is that they don’t see that or don’t think it matters at the time. But it is still lost either way. That is their denial of reality, not ours. It is reasonable for us to mourn the loss though, and take our treasures off our own ships before we burn them to stop us thinking we can sail back to the old shore. Bc, truthfully, whatever happens, we can’t, can we? Bc that is not how life works either.....
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« Last Edit: May 28, 2021, 01:33:38 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Growing #11 - Burn the Ships
#5: May 28, 2021, 01:37:04 AM
Following along Sea
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Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Growing #11 - Burn the Ships
#6: May 31, 2021, 04:41:15 PM
I love that song, Sea.  Listened to it quite often during Lockdown after they played it in a Facebook concert, I think.  I need to see if I have it added on my playlist....

I didn't but have added it now.

Following along with you.
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Growing #11 - Burn the Ships
#7: June 03, 2021, 05:08:39 PM
Thanks for following along Treasur, UM, FaithWalker, Curiosity, Heavenly Focus and Standing Strong.
I appreciate your support and your thoughts through my journey.
I will try to catch up on all your threads, once things at work and home settle down a little bit.

I was thinking about Father's Day today.
I hope (and encourage) my sons to try to do something with their father on that special day.
I will be kayaking that day, so my son at home has no excuse not to see him.
But I suspect that mine, like so many, don't really want to celebrate their father -- may not even feel like they have a father.
The destruction and sadness that's created is so traumatizing. 
I hope that all of our children are able to come through this with a healed and forgiving heart.  And are able to look deeply within themselves to try to ascertain their traits and any behaviors that they have acquired or developed as a result of their father's lack of participation.

How are you all handling Father's Day with your children this year?
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Growing #11 - Burn the Ships
#8: June 07, 2021, 02:03:24 AM
In Germany, "Father's Day" is kind of a fake... They sort of co-opted an already existing religious Holiday (Ascension Day) and added "Father's Day" to it and it is mostly a day where men go out and drink too much and do things that get themselves killed (drunken boating, drunken stuff int eh woods, whatever.

D10 went for a walk with me while S14 decided to go back to xW's to play with his computer and meet his GF...
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Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Growing #11 - Burn the Ships
#9: June 07, 2021, 03:06:14 PM
UM - Father's day is a "Hallmark" card company holiday as well, but nonetheless, a day to remind us to be appreciative toward our fathers (especially those teenagers who never seem to be able to show appreciation)...

I was totally blown away by your post though.
Your D10 (the daughter who never wanted to be with you...?) wanted to take a walk with you???  WOW. 
That's a complete win UM!

And your son - well -- he's 14 with a girlfriend.  Need we say more...?

I hope it was a great day for you nonetheless.

Sea
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