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Author Topic: My Story My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!

r
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My Story My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#90: September 24, 2021, 01:12:43 AM
Really struggling lately. He’s so up and down. Some days an @$$hole, tho he would deny that. Other days a lot nicer. Some days says hi when he walks in, other days it’s like I don’t exist. It’s really really hard. He’s constantly going to his “mates”. Even tho we are in lockdown and not meant to be going anywhere. So he’s off going wherever he wants whenever he wants and I’m doing the right thing, staying locked down with our daughter, doing it all alone. It’s such bull $h!+.
How does no one in his family or even friends pull him up on his behavior. Honestly makes me feel sick.
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My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#91: September 24, 2021, 01:37:29 AM
Really struggling lately. He’s so up and down. Some days an @$$hole, tho he would deny that. Other days a lot nicer. Some days says hi when he walks in, other days it’s like I don’t exist. It’s really really hard.
This is why "detachment" is so important. As long as your emotional state is coupled to his, it (his emotional rollercoaster up and down) will continue to jerk you around like this and you will continue to struggle.  Once your emotional state is such that whether he is a walking Richard Cranium with Ears or Prince Charming doesn't really make a huge difference in your emotional state, your own healing can truly take off.

He’s constantly going to his “mates”. Even tho we are in lockdown and not meant to be going anywhere. So he’s off going wherever he wants whenever he wants and I’m doing the right thing, staying locked down with our daughter, doing it all alone. It’s such bull $h!+.
How does no one in his family or even friends pull him up on his behavior. Honestly makes me feel sick.

This is simply MLC Entitlement.... Rules are for others. Until he gets slapped with consequences that he is FULLY responsible for, why does he need to "follow the rules?"

However, and this goes back to my point above, whether he is there or not, whether he is helping you with your daughter or not, whether he is following the rules or not, really needs to be like water off a ducks back for you. His actions are NOT your responsibility, nor are the consequences (unless, of course, he manages to get the 'Rona and bring it home  >:( ) and, to be blunt, his FOO is a big part of the cause of his MLC so expecting them to call him out is like expecting a sieve to hold water. Likewise, he picked his current set of "friends" to enable him, to support him in his behaviour so why should they call him out?
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Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#92: September 25, 2021, 06:37:19 AM
Quote
Really struggling lately. He’s so up and down. Some days an @$$hole, tho he would deny that. Other days a lot nicer. Some days says hi when he walks in, other days it’s like I don’t exist. It’s really really hard. He’s constantly going to his “mates”

Their ability to be "nice" to us one moment and "not so nice" the next is truly crazy making. We struggle because we want life to be normal again, with normal reactions and responses from him in our day to day lives. Their actions don't make sense to us, for it is not how we would treat others, let along someone we love.

They deny or will not explain anything and so we are left in the dark and it's very very damaging to us.

He comes and goes as he pleases. He is living his life the way he feels he should be able to and thinks this is ok.

Most people will not call him out. Very rarely will anyone else step in and say anything and it wouldn't matter because he would not listen or change because of anything someone says to him.

His crisis, his journey will unfold in it's own time and there will be times when you think he's coming out of it only to be disappointed when he "acts out" again.

It's very hard for us to comprehend and accept that this person is not the person that we knew and loved. There are many levels for us to work through to be able to heal, to find peace, to live fully again. Having him living with you, in your face all the time and knowing his comings and goings is hard, because you don't feel a part of his life and that is a very sad place to be.

You are able to articulate well how his behavior is affecting you and your mental health. Acceptance that he is not your partner presently will help you as time goes on to cope.

I am sorry  :'( It is really a sad place to be and a hard way to live.
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r
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My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#93: January 14, 2022, 11:49:11 PM
I haven’t posted for a while. Not much has changed. He is still doing the same old crap. Spending half his life living at a “mates”.
Christmas came and went. Christmas lunch my daughter and I went to my families alone. He just told my daughter he was going to his aunties instead. She didn’t think much of it.
He didn’t end up going anywhere. He stayed home all Christmas Day working in the garage. Christmas night came and instead of taking our daughter to his families and leaving me behind he told me to take her. So he’s missed his families Christmas 2 years in a row, and mine.
A couple of days after Christmas he took off and was gone for a week. Went on a long road trip apparently. With who, I don’t know.  I knew he was about to leave. He always cleans the house before he’s about to skip out on us, and how much he cleans depends on how long he’s planning to be gone for.
No contact on New Years, not even to our daughter. I kept her very distracted while he was gone so she didn’t try call him, coz most the time he doesn’t answer her which isn’t fair for her.
I love him to death but I’m getting so sick of him. I just need him to wake up. I’m so exhausted. I have had to work all through Christmas, New Years and have had our daughter with me the whole time trying to make her school holidays good also. No break at all. Yet he got to just take off for a week with no telling me where he was going or how long for. It’s like he thinks she isn’t his daughter, isn’t his responsibility. Doesn’t have to be around for her.
He washed my car for me the other day. First thing he’s gone out of his way to do for me in a long long time.
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My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#94: January 17, 2022, 02:10:52 AM
<...snip...> Yet he got to just take off for a week with no telling me where he was going or how long for. It’s like he thinks she isn’t his daughter, isn’t his responsibility. Doesn’t have to be around for her.
It's not "like she isn't his daughter, isn't his responsibility." In his mind, it ISN'T his responsibility. A Mid-Lifer has no responsibilities to anyone other than themselves and the rest of the world can go pack sand...

He washed my car for me the other day. First thing he’s gone out of his way to do for me in a long long time.
Guilt-alleviation 101...

See, they have no association with responsibility or accountability in their conscious mind but somewhere inside, they are fully aware that they are hurting others and may use little things to try to alleviate that guilt = as in "See, I did something nice so that cancels out my being a total a$$hat about everything else...."
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Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

L
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My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#95: January 17, 2022, 07:32:10 AM
I’m a newbie and have no advice to speak of but want to offer my support and say I’m following along.  I really identify with the MLCer acting like the kids aren’t his responsibility.  Mine has them a couple days a month but everything is on me.  He doesn’t parent, basically just visits with them.  It’s so frustrating. 
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H
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My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#96: January 18, 2022, 09:59:55 AM
Hi rvles,

I am sorry to hear that your H is still in la la land.    So is my XW which is tough to watch but I'm just letting her be.  Moving forward with my life.

Hope 2022 gets better as you focus on you and continue to take care of you daughter.

HF
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W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021
D Final - Jan 2022

 

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