[rvles1913]

Hi. New to this forum. My husband has been going through a midlife crisis for a year now. I don’t think he even knows that he is in a midlife crisis. Things were ok but then nearly 6 months ago he out of the blue started treating me like a stranger and stopped sharing the bed with me. Zero affection or anything for nearly 6 months. I’m going crazy.
I don’t know whether to tell him that he’s having a midlife or if that will make my situation worse?
Any advice would be great. I have no one to talk to. Feel so alone. Would love any kind of response.

[UrsaMajor]

Hi riles,

You know the old saying "Loose Lips Sink Ships?"  It is similar to telling a midlifer that they are having an MLC.... you can just as well


Advice?

Detach your emotional well-being from his crisis
Secure your own financial security (and that of your kids if applicable)
Do your own mirror work as needed
Discover yourself again as opposed to what you may have mutated into in the course of your marriage
Let the Mid-Lifer dangle in the breeze and let him get on with HIS crisis
Just like being in a plane, put on YOUR Oxygen Mask first and THEN help others around you (as needed)
It is HIS crisis, NOT yours, you can do NOTHING to help him out of it, move him along in it, make it milder or easier or anything else... This is 100% HIS responsibility ...

[rvles1913]

Thanks for the reply UrsaMajor.
Yes we have a 7 year old daughter, who doesn’t really know what’s going on yet. She’s been sleeping in the master bed with me while husband has been sleeping in her bed, the nights that he is home. But she just thinks he is being nice by letting her sleep with me
He left me out of 2 pretty big family events this year already. A wedding and my step daughters 18th birthday. So our 7 year old was left out of those 2 because I don’t really want her knowing what a prick he is being.
About 4 months ago he said we need to talk and he told me he didn’t want to live like this and said he would leave. But he hasn’t left yet. He is still living here. I still make dinner every night. We live here with our daughter and his daughter and her boyfriend and their baby. The baby is what kicked him into the midlife crisis, because his daughter was 16 when she fell pregnant. It all started from there. So anyway, I still make dinner as usual, I pack his lunch for work, I do his washing. Nothing has changed on my part. And mainly because I am protecting our daughter.
Since he went totally cold nearly 6 months ago, he has been leaving the house of a night, getting picked up and doesn’t come home til morning, like 3-4 nights a week. He leaves after dinner. Obviously an affair is in my mind but I also don’t think that’s true. For one, he leaves the house dressed in his oldest ugliest Kmart clothes. And I honestly think he’s lost his sex drive. We were having sex up until and during December and to be honest he could hardly keep it up. See the midlife made him start smoking again and I think that’s affected his performance. We were having a lot of sex in the first few months of his midlife but he struggled, and it wasn’t because of me. So I honestly don’t think he’s sleeping with anyone. There is a possibility of drugs. He used to do drugs before we got together. Anyway. I know everyone will straight away say affair and that’s fine but I honestly think he’s lost his sex drive completely. They say that can happen in midlife too.
I’m just so lost. Christmas is coming up and I am dreading our daughter finding out that he doesn’t want me at his family Christmas. I just really want him to work it out before then because she will be devastated.
I have been looking after myself. I have changed significantly, for the better and I know he has noticed that. I have to stay strong for our daughter. He’s pretty much left me as a single parent to her. He may still be around for dinner and stuff but he’s become a terrible father compared to what he’s always been to her and to his 3 older kids. He was an amazing father to his 3 older kids and now our daughter has lost him because he’s just checked out.
I randomly see the real him. He will randomly say something to me that is the real him. He will randomly call me by my pet name. Little parts of the real him still show.
At the start of the year when he first went totally cold on me it was really bad. Like he wouldn’t even speak to me or look at me. He’s gotten a lot better since then, a lot. But still not good enough.
We have always been a good couple. We have never had a real fight. Ever. And at the end of last year he was reassuring me we will get through this. (He knew he was being mental) then he just totally flipped.
It’s devastating because we are one of those couples who are meant to be forever. Our relationship has always been so easy. We are so the same, still are. If his 16 year old daughter didn’t get pregnant we’d still be perfect

[UrsaMajor]

If his 16 year old daughter didn’t get pregnant we’d still be perfect

Do NOT count on this... If it wasn't his daughter getting knocked up, it would have been some other event that triggered... A Mid-Lifer is like a

looking for a place to blow up....

Likewise, the AD (Affair Down) is a SYMPTOM, not a cause,.  If it wasn't THAT particular OW/OM, it would have been a different one.

However, it sounds like, at the moment, he has his cake and is getting to eat it as well... He is leaving the house after dinner and coming back in the morning so he is spending the night SOMEWHERE... You don't think he is doing the shag-nasty with anyone but the question remains "where is he spending his nights?" The "with whom" part is actually irrelevant as it is NOT with you and your daughter. But you are the one doing his laundry, making his lunch, making his dinner... Why?  What benefit do you get from that?

He wants to live a single life of going out when he wants and coming home when he wants? Fine! He can do that but he is NOT living at "Hotel Mama" so the other stuff that comes as part and parcel of being a family (meals, laundry, etc.) is NOT part of the deal... He wants to live the single life,? Then he gets the FULL responsibility of a single life.

Yes, I know exactly what the first thought is... "But that will drive him farther away." He is ALREADY GONE! You are living with a Bug in an Edgar suit (Men in Black reference - you know.. this guy - )

or a Body Snatcher....

But right now, he has all the benefits and none of the responsibilities and responsibility and accountability are 2 things that the Mid-Lifer hates with a passion... They want to have their little fairy-talle world that is full of pink cotton candy clouds, puppy dogs and unicorns that run around and fart clouds of rainbow glitter... They are after their next shot of "happy" because they have NOTHING inside that can fill that empty aching void (that we knew nothing about but that we filled for them until we couldn't anymore... )

You daughter may only be 7 but  kids are a lot more perceptive than we'd like to give them credit for. My son was 9 and my daughter 5 when their mom went off the rails and dived into the tunnel. D(now 10) didn't get the picture but S(now 14) most certainly did. The fact that xW is a wallowing low-energy Mid-Lifer has also played a positive role in that we are able to co-parent relatively well. Since I live about 15 minutes away from them, S14 is with me 50% of the time and when he is with me, he "commutes" from my place to school and back. D10 comes every second weekend and occasionally other times too... If he has "checked out" as you said, your D7 has most certainly noticed and I assume that SD16 has also felt it...

You are going to end up being the Rock in the storm for them, the stable parent, because MLCH certainly will NOT be - he isn't even capable of it at this point.... any more than he is capable of being a husband...

So, back to my original point.... If you are essentially doing the work of a single mom, why is MLCH being handled as a married H and Father? He wants the single life? He can have it but he does NOT get the fringe benefits of being in a family at the same time... He does NOT get to have all the fun and no responsibilities... He wants to dance, he has to pay the piper...

[MadLuv]

Hi riles-
My x of 4 months started shutting down and disconnecting. He left and said he just needed to be on his own. He said there was no one else. He also suffered from ED. He left and We divorced right away. He immediately started dating someone. He was in a relationship already via email and messenger. He can not consumate the relationship, yet 7 months and they still are dating and sleep in the same bed on weekends when they see each other. I dont know your financial situation, but my x makes good money and he is involved with a subordinate and she obviously likes eating out, free vacations and him buying her clothes. He now it seeing a urologist I set him up with to figure out his issues. I was still making his lunches and ironing his clothes etc because he has been depressed for years due to the loss of our child and his father shortly after.  This was in 2009. In 2013 oldest daughter married and that seems to be when the MLC started. He has never recovered. 3 emotional affairs and then nov 2020 left and asked for divorce and jumped into this new relationship with a OW 8 years younger than him. Your husband is seeing someone or doing something as a married man he should not be doing. Don’t pamper him. Tell him it is time to move out if he isn't going to talk or seek therapy. This being in limbo is not good for you or your daughter.

[rvles1913]

Thanks for the reply. Yeah my husband has seemed depressed for about 5 months now. Before that he was acting more like a teenager. Staying up extremely late, playing childish games like beer pong n stuff with his teenage kids every weekend. It was a nightmare. Then seems like he hit a depressed phase.
He told me there is no one else. If it is another woman he is going to all the time, he makes no effort for her. He leaves the house looking like a complete bum and doesn’t even brush his teeth before he goes. 🤷🏻‍♀️
He has 3 adult kids 25, 20 and 18. They all know that something is going on with us, just our 7 year old doesn’t. I have no idea what he’s told the older kids though, or his family. But there’s no way he’s told then the truth of how everything has gone down and how he’s treating me.
Sometimes I feel like he just wants his normal life back but then other times he’s like a total stranger. Midlife crisis or not, he needs to step up because what he’s done to me and our daughter is just unacceptable. And I know if the roles were reversed he would be telling me to get my $h!te together.
I feel sorry for him. I can see he’s struggling. He doesn’t like hurting me. I still love him, even after everything and I know he loves me, despite what he thinks he feels right now.
Is there anyone on here who has had their husband work through it with them and save their marriage? I’d really like to read some positive outcomes.

[Naverro]

Your situation seems similar to mine in ways.  Although, I am in year 2 ( going on 3 real fast).  In the beginning of the crisis my spouse just stopped coming home after work.  He would tell me that he would be home for dinner then come dragging in at 4am the next morning.  I was in complete shock, clueless as to why, and very naive!!  I didn’t believe that my spouse was having a PA and I still don’t (I know stupid, right)?  Although, I do believe he was having an EA.  When he stopped coming home I started checking phone records and I also hired a PI. Found nothing if real importance but he was spending a lot of time with his secretary.  Yes, the secretary that I hired and the one that I felt the most comfortable with (also again very stupid).  It was so far out of control before I realized what was going on that I had no chance of intervention.  I did try!  I told him she goes or he goes.....and he left me.  Just like that!  I know I still sound stupid by thinking it’s not a PA but it’s been 2 1/2 years and their still not together or having any type of relationship other than hanging out at the bar til 2am.  She is fun and she thinks he hung the moon, financially she has nothing and he can give her everything, why wouldn’t he like her?  She doesn’t have responsibilities, she doesn’t have rules, and there is only validation from her.  That’s not what I was giving him!  Anyway back to what I have learned....that first year it’s so easy to have the anger spill over to almost hate him.  There were nights I didn’t sleep a wink, imagined every bad thought under the moon, cried myself to sleep, and EXPECTED an apology that has never came.  See I didn’t realize that he was in a crisis and honestly I didn’t think a MLC was actually real or that we were old enough for one but that sh”” is REAL!  I did everything wrong  that first year.  Year 2 I realized that if I wanted to mend my relationship and keep it then I had to let the anger go and you have to detach some to do that.   You almost have to stop caring for that to happen tho!  Time heals everything and time makes you realize that you are starting to feel better.  If you feel better then how do they feel?  A whole lot better without you!  Their succeeding at being gone which is scary in itself!   In year 2 I have not spoken the name of the sec, ask him where he is, if he’s coming home, anything in the relationship, and gave him space.  When I detached some then he opened the line of communication somewhat.  I try to thank him for the things he gives me, appreciate the time he spends with me, and absolutely never speak of the past.  I still have a long way to go but I have learned that anything negative gets me absolutely nowhere!!  I try to validate him, respect him, and not question him.  I’ve always been the distancer but I have become most defiantly the pursuer!  There is absolutely no reasonable reasoning with a spouse in crisis!!

[Naverro]

One more thing, when mine and my spouses troubles began the EA wasn’t an issue.  She was an aftermath.  She wasn’t the cause, she was one of the effects. He had many long nights of back porch drinking, staying out after golf games til early morning hours, lots of distance with me, and lots of anger towards me before she ever became a problem.  She is just the good time that I wasn’t. She just made the entire situation way worse.  We had problems for about 6 months before she became a problem.  Either way when he left, he didn’t wanna be at home with me.  That was never misunderstood!! 

[rvles1913]

Thanks for your reply. Yeah well it took me a while to realize it was a midlife crisis. I just thought he was being a d!ck head and kept asking him to pull his head in. He was apologetic and said he will try. This was last year between like August-November. He kept telling me that we will get through this. HE was saying that to ME. And we were still making love, more amazing than ever. Then it was just like a switch flipped and suddenly he couldn’t even say 2 words to me and suddenly couldn’t sleep in our bed anymore.
I think sometimes that maybe if I didn’t push so much at the start, if I didn’t do this, if I didn’t do that then maybe it wouldn’t have got this far, but sounds like it wouldn’t have mattered.
A little while after I backed off he started to open up a bit more around me and sometimes he’s even his old self for a few minutes at a time.
I told him months ago that I’m not giving up. I told him I’m not interested in being with anyone else and I’m not interested in having to be a single mum to our daughter.
His dad duties have slipped big time. He’s become a pretty average father, who disappears and runs away all the time. It’s pretty sad.
Recently he’s been getting better about telling me where he’s going. He used to just leave and I wouldn’t even know how long for. Well, apart from the usual sneaking out after dinner, I still don’t know where he goes then. I think he’s jamming with people maybe. He’s a musician. I know I probably sound dumb saying that. Everyone else would say affair.
But anyway, he’s been getting better actually telling me where he’s going every other time or if he’s going to his mum’s for the weekend etc.
we still have joint everything. We own a house together and I control the finances every week. I don’t think he’s really interested in knowing about any of the bills. I took that over a while ago. We live week to week so there’s not really extra money for splurging.   
Navarro do you think you will be able to mend things with your spouse? Does he know he’s in a midlife crisis??? I don’t know if mine knows. I doubt anyone else has pointed it out because no one else sees as much as I see.
I really want to work things out with mine. We are the kinds couple that just works so well. Our relationship has always been so easy. We’ve never had a fight, ever and we are just so much alike. Letting that go would be the worst mistake of his life. And the damage it would do to our daughter. I know people say kids bounce back. They’ll be fine. I think life is hard enough and my daughter doesn’t need her dad giving up on us. And he needs to wake up and realize that.
He’s 48 by the way and I’m 38.

[rvles1913]

Yeah mine started with the real late nights. And taking up smoking again. From that point majority of what came out of his mouth was a lie too. It’s like he suddenly couldn’t tell the truth anymore.
I told mine several times months ago that I expect him to respect me and not be with anyone else. But who knows. I don’t know why else you’d make this much effort to leave your house every night. I guess teenagers hang out at their mates places nearly every night for no reason, and he has turned into a teenager again. Maybe he’s hanging with another midlifer 🤷🏻‍♀️