Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!

r
  • **
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 35
  • Gender: Female
My Story My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#20: June 29, 2021, 04:18:25 PM
Can anyone explain this. So at the start of March my H said he didn’t want to live like this anymore, said we need a break and that he was going to leave coz he had somewhere to stay. And I guess easier for me to not have to pack up and leave coz I have our 8 year old. He pretty much did the whole love you but not in love blah blah and said he thought this whole thing couldn’t be fixed.
I told him all the reasons he shouldn’t be just walking away from us, etc. but I was still expecting him to pack up and leave the next day. He still hasn’t left. Does this mean he actually wants to see if we can work it out or what? I still don’t know and obviously can’t ask.
The I love you but not in love with you came not longer assuring me he loves me and we will get through this and cuddles in bed and months of the most amazing s** we’ve ever had. So I honestly don’t believe that he doesn’t feel the same.
He’s always been an incredibly affectionate guy. Now he’s like a robot. I miss him.
Since the start of the year he very swiftly stopped letting me come to his family functions. So far it has gone unnoticed by our daughter but if he keeps it up it’s going to destroy her. Even though she knows we don’t sleep in the same bed anymore she still thinks everything is fine.
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 8132
  • Gender: Female
MLC is the explanation. :( I wish there was something else, honestly. All of the things he needs to do are things he will listen to from you, and if his family are actually enabling him and cutting you out too, that's a good sign of where the FOO issues come from.

It's all so familiar. It was July 2011 when I got a similar spiel about how "I don't feel the same way about you anymore..." and he wanted to move out. He too stayed (for about a month) and I found his attempts to "try" with us were all just giving me false hope. So in that regard, I would warn you to not perceive this as him keeping a commitment with you. If there is any way you can take the focus off of him, or at least put effort in that direction, you will be better off. Believe me, I know especially when they are in-house it is the hardest thing ever to do because you just want to fix it and get reassurance to calm the anxiety. And know that we absolutely believe you! The love he expressed, the intimacy you shared, the life you built - we know that it was very real, that you are perceiving the change correctly, and that this is all nuts on HIS part. Feel absolutely validated in that. We have been there! I just wish it made the outcome predictable, but know that there is nothing that could improve your situation more than you focusing on yourself and your healing from this huge trauma. Even if he changed back tomorrow - you would still have to heal yourself from this experience. So there is no time wasted in it, and no goals diverted. Big hugs.
  • Logged

r
  • **
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 35
  • Gender: Female
My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#22: June 29, 2021, 11:15:20 PM
Thanks for the reply. I have already changed myself drastically and I am 100% focusing on myself and daughter.
About his family. I have no idea what he has told them so it’s hard to tell if they really are just all terrible people after all, or if he’s just told total lies and put the whole thing on me. I don’t know but it sucks.
How have they not come up with a medication or something for this crap by now? It’s ridiculous that someone can flip out this much and literally overnight.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11651
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#23: June 30, 2021, 01:21:24 AM
Can anyone explain this.
<...snip...>
Even though she knows we don’t sleep in the same bed anymore she still thinks everything is fine.
Can anyone explain what green tastes like? You'd have a better chance at that than to explain the seething mass of whatever that is going though the Mid-Lifers brain at any point in time.

If he is excluding you from family functions and no one from the family is contacting you or their granddaughter/niece/cousin, that would be an indicator that a) the FOO Poo is deep on that side of the fence and they are either not paying attention or don't really care, b) he is spreading a lot of fertilizer in the form of male bovine excrement, or c) some combination of the above.

R2T has it right though in terms of NOT reading ANYTING into his actions (like staying at home).  Some MLC'ers simply can't make the transition and actually physically leave, others won't because it means they have to take responsibility / be accountable for actually making the move.... In the latter case, they are desperately trying to maintain the facade that it is ALL the LBS's fault that they had to leave (<victim mode on>"See, she really IS a horrible person and she kicked me out!"<victim mode off> while not divulging that they were doing the mattress mambo with someone else the whole time etc.)

Like she said, the focus can not be on the Mid-Lifer unless you really like to stick the Barbecue fork in your nose - repeatedly...
  • Logged
Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 15, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

r
  • **
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 35
  • Gender: Female
My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#24: June 30, 2021, 05:38:09 AM
If mine makes the move by leaving, he is losing everything all over again. He’s already gone through that once with wife #1. Started from scratch with me. He’d be an idiot to do it all over again.
As dumb as it sounds I am just still being my amazing self, right in front of him. Hopefully one day he wakes up and realizes what he’s risking by being a selfish @$$hole.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11651
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#25: June 30, 2021, 06:11:41 AM
If mine makes the move by leaving, he is losing everything all over again. He’s already gone through that once with wife #1. Started from scratch with me. He’d be an idiot to do it all over again.

Yep... That won't make a dent in that MLC Skull of his... As long as he gets his dose of feelz...
  • Logged
Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 15, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

N

Nas

  • *
  • Subscriber, 6 Month
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2957
My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#26: June 30, 2021, 07:34:43 AM
Can anyone explain this. So at the start of March my H said he didn’t want to live like this anymore, said we need a break and that he was going to leave coz he had somewhere to stay. And I guess easier for me to not have to pack up and leave coz I have our 8 year old. He pretty much did the whole love you but not in love blah blah and said he thought this whole thing couldn’t be fixed.
I told him all the reasons he shouldn’t be just walking away from us, etc. but I was still expecting him to pack up and leave the next day. He still hasn’t left. Does this mean he actually wants to see if we can work it out or what? I still don’t know and obviously can’t ask.
The I love you but not in love with you came not longer assuring me he loves me and we will get through this and cuddles in bed and months of the most amazing s** we’ve ever had. So I honestly don’t believe that he doesn’t feel the same.
He’s always been an incredibly affectionate guy. Now he’s like a robot. I miss him.
Since the start of the year he very swiftly stopped letting me come to his family functions. So far it has gone unnoticed by our daughter but if he keeps it up it’s going to destroy her. Even though she knows we don’t sleep in the same bed anymore she still thinks everything is fine.

I'm so sorry.  For me, it was 3 months between "I love you but I'm feeling detached from life and I don't know why" to him waking up hungover one morning - on the Fourth of July, no less (taking the term Independence Day a bit far  ::)), literally throwing his clothes in bags and leaving.  During those three months, I saw every single thing as a sign.  Oh, he came home from golf (so he said) with a sandwich only for himself...but then he cut his sandwich in half and offered me half...he loves me.  All day, every day, looking for signs, it was exhausting and demoralizing.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but it may help you to think of this situation strictly in terms of you and your life and needs, and just ignore any of the "what part of MLC is this" for now.  It won't matter either way, whether he follows the same script as others or not.  If he's cutting you out of family functions and talking about leaving, prepare for that and do whatever you need to do to for you and your daughter to be okay when that happens.  I know it's hard, hang in there.
xx
  • Logged

  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 314
  • Gender: Female
My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#27: June 30, 2021, 01:57:39 PM
If mine makes the move by leaving, he is losing everything all over again. He’s already gone through that once with wife #1. Started from scratch with me. He’d be an idiot to do it all over again.
As dumb as it sounds I am just still being my amazing self, right in front of him. Hopefully one day he wakes up and realizes what he’s risking by being a selfish @$$hole.

Sorry you find yourself here, and in this position.

Sadly, a logical person can share this sentiment or perspective of yours, unfortunately, the mind of an MLCer is so convoluted, they dont know up from down, left to right, right from wrong.

Expect the unexpected, and definitely, the teenage temper tantrums.
  • Logged
Me (W) 44 - W 42
BD - Jan 17, 2020

r
  • **
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 35
  • Gender: Female
My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#28: June 30, 2021, 05:15:05 PM
He is mostly calm which is good. He went through the crazy act like a teenager every night getting real drunk playing immature drinking games with his kids. That’s before he turned on me. Now he just seems depressed all the time, which is sad because we could be moving forward with a happy life, but instead we are stuck in this boring limbo.
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11601
  • Gender: Female
My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#29: June 30, 2021, 10:32:12 PM
If mine makes the move by leaving, he is losing everything all over again. He’s already gone through that once with wife #1. Started from scratch with me. He’d be an idiot to do it all over again.
As dumb as it sounds I am just still being my amazing self, right in front of him. Hopefully one day he wakes up and realizes what he’s risking by being a selfish @$$hole.

This detachment thing we all bang on about....to the point sometimes where newbies probably hate the word lol? It means changing what you wrote to something like this...”if mine makes the move by leaving, I am going to do what I can to make sure I and my child don’t lose everything because of his actions”....

Have you taken some legal advice?
  • Logged
« Last Edit: June 30, 2021, 11:21:58 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.