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Author Topic: My Story My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!

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Nas

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My Story My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#50: July 07, 2021, 06:08:36 AM
I’m a broken record when it comes to the subject, but there really can’t be enough said about the value of having a therapist to talk to. I remember so well the days of waking up feeling empty every day. Wondering WTF had happened. Thinking my world had been turned upside down. I pushed through for a while thinking it couldn’t get any worse and it kept getting worse. And worse. And worse. And WORSE. Life is unpredictable, you don’t know what can happen, but having someone to help you navigate all of the changes and turmoil is beyond valuable.
Here, we can share our experiences and let you know that you’re not alone, but a therapist is someone who can help you figure out why you are feeling the way you’re feeling, what parts of your past it’s connected to and what tools you can use to pull yourself out of it.
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r
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My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#51: July 08, 2021, 01:41:13 AM
Yeah I know. Honestly can’t really afford a therapist right now. We are still sharing money as always, coz still share house bills etc. nothing has changed there. We have mostly lived week to week moneywise.
Maybe in the future I will get a therapist. See what happens I guess. Still trying to silently convince him that he needs to stay put and work on the relationship.
If nothing has changed by the time Christmas comes I might have to shock him by leaving. A year of this treatment will be long enough. I guarantee he’ll be miserable without me and the little one to come home to every day.
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My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#52: July 08, 2021, 03:43:01 AM
Maybe in the future I will get a therapist. See what happens I guess. Still trying to silently convince him that he needs to stay put and work on the relationship.
If nothing has changed by the time Christmas comes I might have to shock him by leaving. A year of this treatment will be long enough. I guarantee he’ll be miserable without me and the little one to come home to every day.


1) YOU can't "convince him" of diddly-squat, silently or otherwise. He is going to have to come to the conclusion himself
2) It is HIS crisis, you should NOT be the one to leave... He wants to go, let him go. Heck, help him pack but you should stay put if you can for your sake and the sake of your kids... They need stability and moving somewhere else while witnessing dad go off the rails is probably not a great way to have stability... .
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Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 15, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Nas

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My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#53: July 08, 2021, 05:48:27 AM
Wise advice from UM. I would not give up your home unless you have a very stable new place lined up…And even then, unless you can fully pay for it on your own without any trouble, with a child involved, I’m not sure how it works - it will be part of a separation/divorce settlement and you may find yourself in a financially difficult situation.

My former H and I were not living paycheck to paycheck. In fact, I had so carefully constructed a life that, by my own doing, I would’ve had my house paid off completely by my mid-40s and living my own stable version of paradise. I never treated myself, I drove a basic model car, I lived purposely below my means…and I still somehow managed to blink my eyes and find literally everything I had worked for completely gone in such a short time period it still makes me dizzy to think about it.
If you are living week to week, this should be your first priority because anything can happen and you do not want to find yourself and your child without a back up plan.

I can hear your anger and frustration and we all understand it. The therapy is what helps you sort that out as well because it can consume you. If you have health insurance, even if they won’t cover consistent therapy, they will usually cover a few sessions. Enough to get you started and maybe that therapist can direct you to other resources.

You can’t guarantee he’ll be “miserable without you“ because one, we never know what’s going on inside someone else’s heart and mind (and these guys leave even when they are miserable, they stay gone even if they are miserable, and they get worse in their behavior because they are miserable) and, two, there are no guarantees in this. Up is down, left is right, black is white (and nothing is black & white).
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My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#54: July 08, 2021, 08:05:49 PM
I suggest if you have medical insurance you check and see if it covers any kind of counseling if you are considering it. Some do.

You should only move out if your life will be better if you do so. If you are on the place you live, you will still be responsible for payment even if you are not living there. Get your financials lined up and in order. Seeing an attorney can help you. There are many attorneys who will help pro Bono and at reduced rates and most will meet with you to see if they can help you for free or a minimal amount.

Think about you and your little one. I doubt you want to shortchange either of you for your MLCER'S comfort.
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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

r
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My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#55: July 11, 2021, 04:58:30 AM
Was an @$$hole last night but then a lot nicer almost normal tonight. Driving me nuts  :-\
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My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#56: July 11, 2021, 06:31:03 AM
Was an @$$hole last night but then a lot nicer almost normal tonight. Driving me nuts  :-\

This ^^^ is why we call it a rollercoaster
And why we bang on so much about detachment. Probably even more important with a live in MLCer tbh.
Detachment is not about saving your marriage or trying to influence your spouse.
It’s about keeping your own emotional marbles in a bag.
And it is do-able but it takes practice and a bit of time.
What does it mean in this kind of situation? That nothing he does has a big emotional impact on you either way...or if it does, not for more than a few minutes. And some of that is about changing your expectations and the direction of your eyes.
If he is ‘nice’? Ok, means nothing. If he is horrible? Walk away, means nothing. If he is sad? Oh dear, ok, leave him to it, means nothing. If he is nuts? Ok, disengage, means nothing. If you are having a happy day and he is not? Ok, not your problem, get on with your happy day. Vice versa? Ok, not his business, do something to make yourself feel better.

Finding a way to disconnect how you feel from his emotional rollercoaster is essential for your sanity and strength, Rvles....but it usually needs us to let go first of believing that there is anything we can do to influence our spouse one way or the other. To see it like weather essentially....if it rains, pick up an umbrella  :)
Do you believe that yet or are you still trying to fix something?
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« Last Edit: July 11, 2021, 06:32:14 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#57: July 11, 2021, 06:45:38 AM
I am only 8 months since my X left, but I filed and did my divorce in 30 days and had to wait 60 for finalizing due to laws, but even though I did not want the divorce I knew I had to protect myself financially. He was agreeable to everything and I had to take it. I realized RIGHT then that if he wanted to be in the marriage or fight for me he would do it whether we were married or not. He signed the papers. He let it go through. Now he has to ride out the journey he chose.

I have said my piece, I have tried to tell him the errors of his thinking and the OW that is using him for his money. He reflects and sometimes has agreed, but this is still the road he chooses to remain on. Move on FOR NOW!! Stay in your house. Tell him to get out. If he comes back make his actions match his words!! If he doesn’t come back then you gained back time in your life you would. Have lost and also your healing is that much further along. This is YOUR time!!! It is all about YOU!!
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20  
Div final-Feb ‘21
July 2021 married OW (find out May 2022 after 10 mths)
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW ( already married, tells nobody)
Feb 2022- XH is fired from job of 38 years
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796

Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down.  Bow out..its not about you !!! (Barbi

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Good advice, ladies!   :)
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

r
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My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#59: July 12, 2021, 09:43:49 PM
I try not to let the little things he does get to me.
He is mostly a pr!ck anyway. Only occasionally will he be a little bit normal.
I just still can’t get over the total turn around. One day all over me and the next it’s like I have some kind of disease and he can’t go anywhere near me. At first it was real bad, like he was seriously like a primary school kid keeping away from another kid who has cooties. He’s lightened up a bit with that tho. I don’t know how he doesn’t see how much of a weirdo he looks like by being this way.
Life really sucks right now. Same stuff every day. I hate where we live. Always have. So has he. I want a massive change but I don’t want it without him.
I just feel like this limbo we are stuck in is never going to end.
He is fully clinging to someone else, might be more than one person. They play music together apparently. I don’t know of any local wannabe bands who need to jam 4-5 nights a week. I also don’t know of any decent people who would be helping a grown man to constantly walk out on his wife and kid.
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