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Author Topic: My Story My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!

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My Story My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#60: July 12, 2021, 11:39:50 PM

Finding a way to disconnect how you feel from his emotional rollercoaster is essential for your sanity and strength, Rvles....but it usually needs us to let go first of believing that there is anything we can do to influence our spouse one way or the other. To see it like weather essentially....if it rains, pick up an umbrella  :)
Do you believe that yet or are you still trying to fix something?

Read this again....

As long as you are focusing on his wierdo behaviour, you are NOT focusing on your own healing....
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Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 15, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

r
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My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#61: July 13, 2021, 02:24:24 AM
I am. But the weirdo behavior is right in front of me.
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My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#62: July 13, 2021, 01:06:57 PM
I am. But the weirdo behavior is right in front of me.

You need to find a safe space of your own away from him, even if you still are forced to share space with him.  Treat him as you would a stranger or casual acquaintance and nothing more.  He has proven himself indifferent to interactions with you, so treat him in kind, but make no mistake,  this isn't to "punish" him or manipulate him into "seeing the light", but more for you to protect and preserve yourself from anymore mental and emotional abuse from him.
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My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#63: July 14, 2021, 01:50:17 AM
I am. But the weirdo behavior is right in front of me.

You need to find a safe space of your own away from him, even if you still are forced to share space with him.  Treat him as you would a stranger or casual acquaintance and nothing more. 
Or, as some have put it, the crazy uncle that lives in the attic
He has proven himself indifferent to interactions with you, so treat him in kind, but make no mistake, this isn't to "punish" him or manipulate him into "seeing the light", but more for you to protect and preserve yourself from anymore mental and emotional abuse from him.

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Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 15, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

r
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My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#64: July 14, 2021, 04:05:57 AM
Tomorrow is my birthday. Will be the most miserable birthday I have ever had. How do you cope on the first birthday in your life that no one gives a crap about you?
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My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#65: July 14, 2021, 04:37:13 AM
Rvles-
I just had my bday and 30th anniversary same week. I had my sister come visit. Asked my adult kids to go out to eat. Spent the day lounging in a pool.

My X emailed me first thing in morning from his work email “ wishing you a happy birthday” It almost ruined my day, but I brushed it off and just relaxed. It was an ok day. I had built it up to be the worst and so when it was just OK it ended up seeming the like a pretty good day

H-54
W-58
Married 7/6/1991
Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 deceased
Moved out for space-jan 2018
BD1-march 2018 found phone
EA ow1-49
EA-ow2 57
EA- ow3 58
Moved back-Oct 2018
BD2-October 2020
OW-46
Divorce filed-Dec 202O
Divorce final-Feb 2021
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20  
Div final-Feb ‘21
July 2021 married OW (find out May 2022 after 10 mths)
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW ( already married, tells nobody)
Feb 2022- XH is fired from job of 38 years
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796

Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down.  Bow out..its not about you !!! (Barbi

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My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#66: July 14, 2021, 06:25:33 AM
Tomorrow is my birthday. Will be the most miserable birthday I have ever had. How do you cope on the first birthday in your life that no one gives a crap about you?

You spend it with people who DO....friends, kids, even a pet lol.
And if that isn’t possible, you treat yourself with great kindness and remind yourself that one person is not every person on the planet  :)
Happy birthday, rvles  :)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#67: July 14, 2021, 06:45:26 AM
My first birthday was like 3.5 weeks after he moved out. I hadn't yet told my friends what was going on but they knew we were separated. I tried my best to have fun but it was really hard.

So don't beat yourself up if you can't force yourself to have a great day, but try to aim to have a good day. Do something you love to do, eat something you love to eat, if you can, be around people who love you, call someone you love. He's not the only person in the world, so if he isn't there, you still matter and your birthday is still a day to celebrate.

Happy birthday, rvles.
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My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#68: July 14, 2021, 07:11:27 AM
Tomorrow is my birthday. Will be the most miserable birthday I have ever had. How do you cope on the first birthday in your life that no one gives a crap about you?

I took my kids and met with a group of colleagues at a local Mexican restaurant and had a nice afternoon.
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Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 15, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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  • Posts: 4412
  • Gender: Female
My husband is a year into a midlife crisis. Help!
#69: July 14, 2021, 03:59:16 PM
Tomorrow is my birthday. Will be the most miserable birthday I have ever had. How do you cope on the first birthday in your life that no one gives a crap about you?
To be honest, I've never had a birthday where no one gave a crap about me. There are way too many people I know for that to happen. Do you have any of those, either here or locally where you are? Maybe you could talk to one of them, or lots of them.

But if you don't happen to have anyone that you really want to hang with right now (and I've had those special days), I made myself Pepperidge Farms Apple Turnovers for my birthday one year. I hadn't had those for over ten years. Go for a drive, especially if there is a place where you can watch people.  Enjoy a favorite craft. Take the day off and sleep in until noon. If you like to hike, go for a hike (fresh air always makes me feel better). Is there anything you want to do that you haven't done that you might do?  Oddly enough, some of the dopiest things give me joy: Cleaning my keyboard; repairing the ice maker; coming up with creative ways to get my huge trash can out to the curb since I need both hands for either walking sticks or my off road walker (I can't walk without them) which leaves no hand for the trash can (yes, I DID find a way, with a set of tool belt suspenders); organizing my extension cords; cleaning out my closet.  Sometimes organizing and clearing out feels really good (when it's your choice and not forced upon you). My newest diversion is casting rapidset cement into soap molds and making rocks, then painting them. Little cement duckies in various colors. It makes me smile, it's so silly.

If you can find one small thing that gives you joy, it will lift your spirits.

Of course, there is also something to be said for curling up into a ball, listening to sad music and crying your eyes out, too. (I've also had those special days).

I wish you a Birthday filled with whatever joy you can muster! 
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« Last Edit: July 14, 2021, 04:46:03 PM by OffRoad »
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