[Curiosity]

So many great words of wisdom here. I particularly appreciate OffRoad’s acknowledgement that sometimes self-care consists not of finding joy, but instead allowing yourself the space to have a good cry. Whatever you need, whatever will make you feel cared for - that’s what your birthday should be about. Ideally, that’s what every day is about, but we all know that life sometimes makes us put our focus elsewhere for a while. But whatever you do, please know that you aren’t alone. If you have a local network of people, treasured pets, or activities that bring meaning to your day, that’s great. But you have this community, and you are appreciated and valued here - and you are working toward learning to value yourself independent of your h or anyone else, and that is among the most valuable lessons because it is fully within your control.

Wishing you a happy and meaningful birthday.

[rvles1913]

Thanks for all the support. Means a lot to me. 🙏

[rvles1913]

Today has been an ok day. He hasn’t been too weird. Kind of normal. When he’s like that it feels like nothing is really wrong until he doesn’t come to bed with me. And until I realize I won’t be invited to the next family function and my heart sinks. If he can be so relaxed with me like it always was, why do things have to be like this? It’s just so hard to understand.
Is he trying to use the whole telling me he doesn’t feel the same, etc as a way to excuse the way he’s treating me,.. the sneaking around and being so selfish? It doesn’t excuse it and never will. Wouldn’t it be easier to just stay “us” and not turn our lives, our little girls life upside down.

[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi Rvles,

Of course it would be easier to work out things and not destroy your family but right now your husband is not rational.  He is broken.

It’s been 1 year since BD and I’ve learned to accept that my W is in her crisis and she needs to figure it out.  I have girls too and all I can do right now is detach and take care of my girls.

I’m preparing myself that my W may never come back.  I’m standing but also looking to the future without my W.  I wouldn’t wish this anyone but it is what it is.

Hope you can detach and find joy in your life while your husband is in his crisis.

HF

[OffRoad]

Happy belated Birthday!!! I celebrate that you were born, but late. You are now just like the rest of my friends and family, I am never on time anymore. An LBS leftover for me.

IMO, he wants to prove you are still "friends" and you just "grew apart". See how non confrontational we all are? It's not his fault at al. I had a live in for 18 months. At the time I didn't realize I was in He!!. But I was, it was a mind spin. See, he is so reasonable it must have been me, except the only people I have ever has issues with are people who were just like him: couldn't make a decision, but when I made the decision they go the opposite of what I decided and try to override me, don't say what they mean or mean what they say, pretend everything is fine when in their mind it isn't,  undermine people behind their back, lie about other people, lie about their own abilities. I could go on. You are looking for logic from a person who is not thinking in a logical manner.

Set your sights on YOU, moving forward. If he gets his head out of his.....fog (as UM would say), then you are in a good place. If he does not, you are in a good place. You cannot lose when you plan for yourself. I, personally, got a job where I could support myself, made sure it had flex time so I could go in at o dark thirty, spend my "lunch" hour getting my son to school at 8 am, get off at 3 to pick him up from school. I lived on nothing so I could save enough to get my D through college. It was two years of automaton up, work, deal with son and school, sleep rinse and repeat, and another year to get my bearings. The 18 months my XH lived here was a nightmare compared to living alone. Live in are not for the weak. In my case, he left anyway, but I was in a good enough place financially to be ok.

I tell you this because just waiting is a fools game, imo. You can stand and still move yourself forward. He will do what he is going to do. You dont get to control it, the only person you control is you. Take care of you and your D, make sure you will be ok if he stays or goes or ends up in a traffic accident. It's hard, it's scary, it's doable. Take a deep breath. You can do this.

[UrsaMajor]

Is he trying to use the whole telling me he doesn’t feel the same, etc as a way to excuse the way he’s treating me,.. the sneaking around and being so selfish? It doesn’t excuse it and never will. Wouldn’t it be easier to just stay “us” and not turn our lives, our little girls life upside down.

Rvles, to put it quite bluntly, it would also be easier to taste green with your elbow than to try and "explain" what is going on in that Swiss-Cheese-MLC-Mind of his....

I tell you this because just waiting is a fools game, imo. You can stand and still move yourself forward. He will do what he is going to do. You don't get to control it, the only person you control is you. Take care of you and your D, make sure you will be ok if he stays or goes or ends up in a traffic accident. It's hard, it's scary, it's doable. Take a deep breath. You can do this.

Read this, print this, stick it on your mirror where you can read it every time you look because this is the quintessential "Survival Instructions for the fresh LBS."

[FaithWalker]

Happy belated birthday.  The first one after BD for me was about a month and a half after the D was final.  It was a sad birthday, but it passed, and the next one was better, and the one after that even better.  Now, if no one is planning anything for my birthday, I make plans, and I have a fabulous day doing something I love.

Like OR and Ursa said, you can do this.  It will get easier.  There is a whole lot of suck, but you will get through it.  Things will start looking up.

To this day, I still think it would have been easier if my H had stayed and worked things out.  But the fact of the matter is that he chose his path and it is separate from my own.  Whether this is for now, or a permanent separation, what we LBS do remains the same. 

[rvles1913]

This weekend has been a little depressing. He’s been gone the whole time. He came home last night for like 2 hours, ate dinner with us then left straight after. Why did he come home? Just to shower and get fresh clothes? He didn’t come home to spend time with our daughter coz she got barely any attention.
He comes in like nothing is wrong. How do you not see what a total jerk you look like.

[OffRoad]

Well, that is definitely rude, but he does it because he can. There is nothing stopping him from being a total jerk and he doesn't care if he is a jerk to anyone else as long as he gets to do what he wants, imo. That about covers him.

How about you? How is living like this working for you? What can rvles do to focus on herself and her D to make their lives a better place? What kinds of things do you like to do? The best way forward is to concentrate on making your own life better for you.

[UrsaMajor]

Why did he come home? To shower and get changed?

Yep. That is about it... Hotel Mama... and like OR said, he does it because he can and there appear to be no consequences for him doing it so why should he change his behaviour? He has all the benefits and none of the responsibilities