[rvles1913]

Another weekend just went by. He was absent for most of it. I’m getting so sick of it. Sick of feeling like I’m worth nothing. Sick of feeling like he’s talking $h!te about me to everyone so that he doesn’t look bad. Sick of the lying and sneaking around behind my back.
I’m so lonely. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have my D. She keeps me from falling apart and doesn’t even know it.
I miss being looked after. Right now I feel like I could die in a car crash tomorrow and he wouldn’t even shed a tear. I know that’s not true but that’s the kind of guy he’s coming across as. A total @$$hole. I just want my husband back. I want my life back.

[Treasur]

I’m so so sorry that you feel how you feel right now.
There’s a kind of lonely that leaves you feeling invisible, isn’t there? But you’re not invisible to us. Or to your daughter.

It’s understandable that you feel how you feel.
And there probably are some ways, slowly, to feel a little better
But they will need you to accept that the support, care and kindness you need right now will not come from the direction of your h.
What other family or friend support systems do you have, Rvles? Bc being with good humans who care about us is a kind of self care.
And if you don’t have that, are there ways in which you can just spend a little time with normal humans? Not necessarily to talk about any of this big stuff, but I found when I felt most alone, that a brief chat about nothing with someone in a shop or a stranger whose dog I admired was just enough to get me through a day. Or someone at church. Or a neighbour I didn’t even know well. Someone in a park. Or someone I met while volunteering.
It sometimes takes a village, my friend, when we run out of puff.
I know it’s awful but I promise, it will not always feel the way it does right now.
Meanwhile, a virtual hug from me.

[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi Rvles,

I would echo Treasur’s words.  Hope you can focus on your life and find support from others.  I too struggled to accept that my spouse was broken.  In time I have been able to accept the reality and focus on my life.  You will be ok and I wish you all the best.

HF

[OffRoad]

I think I know the lonliness you speak of. I think many here do. All I can say is the only way you can start to heal yourself is to get all of your eggs out of your H basket. He does not define your worth. He defines his own worth, which is not very much at the moment.

Do you have any family or friends? At the point I was BD'D all my close friends had moved to other states. My family didn't get that I was not quite ready to throw in the towel. I joined an off road meetup group, a ghost hunting group, a coloring group. Off I went. These saved my sanity. In my off road group, for a day or weekend, no one was left behind. I was in control of my vehicle, even if I was not in control of anything else. When I was ghosthunting, it was dark, and everyone made sure each other was safe. While coloring we chatted about trips and such. In fact, I met a woman who left her marriage because if she didn't, she was "going to die". I thought it was abusive and it turned out it was just a feeling that she HAD to leave or she would die. Talk about nothing the other party could do to stop it....

But I digress. It's harder with kids but not impossible. Unless and until you stop allowing your H to define your worth, it's going to be miserable for you. You should not have to deal with this, it's horribly unfair. But here you are and I'm so sorry you're in this situation. You cannot control him, you can only control you.

Go ahead, be angry, dust yourself off and define yourself. You are worth a lot.

[rvles1913]

Thanks everyone for the support. Another week has gone by. It’s Friday night and he’s said he won’t be home tonight. Has only stayed here Monday night this week and home for dinner past 2 nights. Was actually nicer to me the past 2 nights. Offering to help with dinner and being a little more talkative, less like a robot. But now 4 nights in a row sleeping elsewhere is really hard but I try not to think about it.
I still don’t see how anyone could be encouraging him to be away from his home and wife and child so much. He’s probably hanging out with people I don’t even know and telling them that he’s single. And probably that he doesn’t even have a young child. I don’t know how else you could constantly be away and not look like a complete jerk to whoever you are with.
We’re also in lockdown where we live so he’s not meant to be going anywhere but work and home.
Trying to hold it together. Still keep thinking I’m gonna come home one day and he will have disappeared. Just waiting for the worst. I just want him to wake up already. 

[UrsaMajor]

rvles,

Your Mid-Lifer is telling whoever they are what ever he wants that fits in with his narrative. What exactly he is telling them is, to be blunt, irrelevant. It is NOT your circus and NOT your monkeys. His lies will, sooner or later, catch up. They always do. The Karma bus may take a while to show up but it eventually will. That is why we keep stressing the following:

1) This is NOT a sprint to the finish. It is a long, hard, weary ultra-marathon slog through the mud
2) The more time that you spend wondering where he is, what he is doing, who he is with, etc., the less time you are utilizing to regain your own control over your own emotions and detaching your emotional state from his.
3) You say "I just want him to wake up already." I can certainly understand and sympathize but, people in Hades want ice water to drink too... You have NO control over HIS crisis and no control over the speed he moves through it (assuming he does - there is NO guarantee).
4) If you are in lockdown and he is out doing whoever, wherever, you are potentially putting yourself and your kid(s) at risk unless you are already doubly vaccinated, not to mention putting yourself at risk for other problems depending on your level of physical contact with him when he IS home. Being fully vaxxed will not prevent you from getting COVID but it does seem to ensure that the illness doesn't take such a severe course.
5) He doesn't CARE what it looks like to whoever he is with at the moment. If they do start calling him out on his antics and holding him accountable, he will just move on to another group where he can again "start fresh""  and tell yet a different story...

Question for you... How much rent-free headspace do you wish to keep giving a person who apparently doesn't have all THAT much concern for you or your child?

He's wanting to party like it's 1999 and leaving you at home to keep the hearth warm... You can certainly do that but do it for YOU and NOT for the Bug in the Edgar Suit that is your Mid-Lifer.... Your focus needs to shift to yourself and your child. He is on his own course. You need to ensure that, when his ship runs aground and starts to sink, that it doesn't take you and your child down with it...

[rvles1913]

Not much changed here. He still disappears quite often.
Tonight he was home and he started play fighting with our daughter (8yo). She was hiding behind me and he wasn’t shy to touch me to get to her, usually he would be. He was very hands on for quite a while as they were mucking around. Times like that feels like all is normal until he goes into a separate bed. So unfair. Tonight was the most affectionate he’s been since New Years, and it was just play fighting with me in the middle of him and our daughter. I miss him.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Those brief moments of normalcy mixed in with the abnormal really hit hard. It is because of moments like playing around you and your daughter, you think, "What can I do to extend these moments?" How can I build upon this and bring him back to me?"

The answer is that you can't. Trust me, I tried everything and nothing worked. The more focus and energy you expend on him, the more frustrated, sad, and lonely you will feel. Think more of you and less of him, and even less of you as a couple. Find moments of bliss for yourself. You have endured a lot of trauma of the past year and you need to heal. Healing will not only benefit you, but your daughter as well. It will put you in a place where you can accept any outcome in life as you continue your journey through it.

Your h has made choices and actions that demonstrates his needs and desires come before you and his child. The consequences for his actions are clear, both of you will live on with or without him. Stop putting him on the playing field and move him to the sidelines. He is neither a good husband or a good father, so why allow him to control so much of your mind?

I know this is not easy and living with a MLCer is really hard. However, he really doesn't live with you, he occupies space. So make your world and your space better for you and your daughter. If he wants to be a roommate, treat him like one. Do your thing and don't feel obligated to include him either. After all, he is not big on sharing his plans with you, is he?

I do know the feelings on being invisible. However when we do that, we are handing over all our power and choice to the MLCer. In the end, it is not important whether or not he see you, but far more important that you see yourself.

Have a great weekend, be good to yourself, and heal,

(((((Ready)))))

[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi Rvles,

I second Ready's comments.  I struggled too when my W was a live in MLCer and have now been able to detach in time after she moved out.  I just have gotten to a point where I accepted that she is broken and working on my own life with my kids without her.   It's so hard and I still struggle but I am slowly putting my life back together.

Hope you can focus on you and what you want for your life regardless of what your husband chooses to do with his future.

HF

[rvles1913]

He stayed home for a whole week, which was kind of surprising. Usually leaving after dinner every single night, but he was home Sat night through to today which is Friday. But he’s said he won’t be home tonight, which really disappointed me. I don’t know why he stayed home all week but it obviously felt nice and positive.
The way he was with me this week was a lot nicer too. Bit more talkative and relaxed and even a good handful of calling me by my pet name, which came as a surprise.
I miss him.