[rvles1913]

Really struggling lately. He’s so up and down. Some days an @$$hole, tho he would deny that. Other days a lot nicer. Some days says hi when he walks in, other days it’s like I don’t exist. It’s really really hard. He’s constantly going to his “mates”. Even tho we are in lockdown and not meant to be going anywhere. So he’s off going wherever he wants whenever he wants and I’m doing the right thing, staying locked down with our daughter, doing it all alone. It’s such bull $h!+.
How does no one in his family or even friends pull him up on his behavior. Honestly makes me feel sick.

[UrsaMajor]

Really struggling lately. He’s so up and down. Some days an @$$hole, tho he would deny that. Other days a lot nicer. Some days says hi when he walks in, other days it’s like I don’t exist. It’s really really hard.

This is why "detachment" is so important. As long as your emotional state is coupled to his, it (his emotional rollercoaster up and down) will continue to jerk you around like this and you will continue to struggle.  Once your emotional state is such that whether he is a walking Richard Cranium with Ears or Prince Charming doesn't really make a huge difference in your emotional state, your own healing can truly take off.

He’s constantly going to his “mates”. Even tho we are in lockdown and not meant to be going anywhere. So he’s off going wherever he wants whenever he wants and I’m doing the right thing, staying locked down with our daughter, doing it all alone. It’s such bull $h!+.
How does no one in his family or even friends pull him up on his behavior. Honestly makes me feel sick.

This is simply MLC Entitlement.... Rules are for others. Until he gets slapped with consequences that he is FULLY responsible for, why does he need to "follow the rules?"

However, and this goes back to my point above, whether he is there or not, whether he is helping you with your daughter or not, whether he is following the rules or not, really needs to be like water off a ducks back for you. His actions are NOT your responsibility, nor are the consequences (unless, of course, he manages to get the 'Rona and bring it home  ) and, to be blunt, his FOO is a big part of the cause of his MLC so expecting them to call him out is like expecting a sieve to hold water. Likewise, he picked his current set of "friends" to enable him, to support him in his behaviour so why should they call him out?

[xyzcf]

Really struggling lately. He’s so up and down. Some days an @$$hole, tho he would deny that. Other days a lot nicer. Some days says hi when he walks in, other days it’s like I don’t exist. It’s really really hard. He’s constantly going to his “mates”

Their ability to be "nice" to us one moment and "not so nice" the next is truly crazy making. We struggle because we want life to be normal again, with normal reactions and responses from him in our day to day lives. Their actions don't make sense to us, for it is not how we would treat others, let along someone we love.

They deny or will not explain anything and so we are left in the dark and it's very very damaging to us.

He comes and goes as he pleases. He is living his life the way he feels he should be able to and thinks this is ok.

Most people will not call him out. Very rarely will anyone else step in and say anything and it wouldn't matter because he would not listen or change because of anything someone says to him.

His crisis, his journey will unfold in it's own time and there will be times when you think he's coming out of it only to be disappointed when he "acts out" again.

It's very hard for us to comprehend and accept that this person is not the person that we knew and loved. There are many levels for us to work through to be able to heal, to find peace, to live fully again. Having him living with you, in your face all the time and knowing his comings and goings is hard, because you don't feel a part of his life and that is a very sad place to be.

You are able to articulate well how his behavior is affecting you and your mental health. Acceptance that he is not your partner presently will help you as time goes on to cope.

I am sorry  It is really a sad place to be and a hard way to live.

[rvles1913]

I haven’t posted for a while. Not much has changed. He is still doing the same old crap. Spending half his life living at a “mates”.
Christmas came and went. Christmas lunch my daughter and I went to my families alone. He just told my daughter he was going to his aunties instead. She didn’t think much of it.
He didn’t end up going anywhere. He stayed home all Christmas Day working in the garage. Christmas night came and instead of taking our daughter to his families and leaving me behind he told me to take her. So he’s missed his families Christmas 2 years in a row, and mine.
A couple of days after Christmas he took off and was gone for a week. Went on a long road trip apparently. With who, I don’t know.  I knew he was about to leave. He always cleans the house before he’s about to skip out on us, and how much he cleans depends on how long he’s planning to be gone for.
No contact on New Years, not even to our daughter. I kept her very distracted while he was gone so she didn’t try call him, coz most the time he doesn’t answer her which isn’t fair for her.
I love him to death but I’m getting so sick of him. I just need him to wake up. I’m so exhausted. I have had to work all through Christmas, New Years and have had our daughter with me the whole time trying to make her school holidays good also. No break at all. Yet he got to just take off for a week with no telling me where he was going or how long for. It’s like he thinks she isn’t his daughter, isn’t his responsibility. Doesn’t have to be around for her.
He washed my car for me the other day. First thing he’s gone out of his way to do for me in a long long time.

[UrsaMajor]

<...snip...> Yet he got to just take off for a week with no telling me where he was going or how long for. It’s like he thinks she isn’t his daughter, isn’t his responsibility. Doesn’t have to be around for her.

It's not "like she isn't his daughter, isn't his responsibility." In his mind, it ISN'T his responsibility. A Mid-Lifer has no responsibilities to anyone other than themselves and the rest of the world can go pack sand...

He washed my car for me the other day. First thing he’s gone out of his way to do for me in a long long time.

Guilt-alleviation 101...

See, they have no association with responsibility or accountability in their conscious mind but somewhere inside, they are fully aware that they are hurting others and may use little things to try to alleviate that guilt = as in "See, I did something nice so that cancels out my being a total a$$hat about everything else...."

[LeftandBroken]

I’m a newbie and have no advice to speak of but want to offer my support and say I’m following along.  I really identify with the MLCer acting like the kids aren’t his responsibility.  Mine has them a couple days a month but everything is on me.  He doesn’t parent, basically just visits with them.  It’s so frustrating. 

[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi rvles,

I am sorry to hear that your H is still in la la land.    So is my XW which is tough to watch but I'm just letting her be.  Moving forward with my life.

Hope 2022 gets better as you focus on you and continue to take care of you daughter.

HF

[rvles1913]

Thought I would post. Been reading other posts on here lately just so I don’t feel so alone.
Nothing has changed. Well, he’s more of an @$$ I guess. Sometimes he’s nice, mostly a silent @$$hole.
He still lives at home 4-5 nights a week. Mostly totally absent weekend days.
A couple of weeks ago I felt the worst I have felt so far. It was his sons engagement party, and I didn’t find out until the day of it when he said “I’m taking (our daughter) to (sons) engagement party tonight. I immediately felt sick. This is a kid I watched grow up since he was like 12. He chose to live with us full time. I did everything for him, for well over a decade. I know he would have wanted me there. He’s grown into an incredibly decent man and he would never leave out someone who’s done so much for him. He would never.
Anyway, midlife man came home that afternoon and told our daughter they needed to go to the party and needed to leave in like 10 minutes. This was the first she had heard of it. She still doesn’t know how I’ve been treated.
She got so upset. She came to me to say bye, saying she’s being made to go to this party. She had tears in her eyes, on the brink of totally bawling her eyes out. He realized how upset she was but didn’t really understand it. He stood there for an hour trying to get her to go with him. She just kept getting more upset. She didn’t go. She loves her brother, her family, more than anything, but she just did not want to go. I guess she just had a feeling it wasn’t right. And it wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair. It’s so unfair that he does that to her. To me.
Because of him, our daughter was not there and because of him I was not there. I should have been there.
That has upset me more than anything so far. His whole family have turned their backs on me, and 99% on our daughter, because of him. None of them talk to me, none of them have ever asked if I’m okay. They obviously don’t know the extent of his behavior.
His family have always praised him and would still praise him for what an amazing father he is. Pity that can only be said about 3 out of 4 of his kids.
He had 3 kids before we got together. As soon as the last of the 3 of them became an adult, independent of him, he took off. Left me and our daughter behind.
I randomly text him and tell him how much damage he’s doing and that he doesn’t need to keep treating me like a complete stranger. He’ll be a bit nicer for a couple days but then go back to zombie land.
He’s been sleeping in our kids bed since the very start of 2021. Our kid sleeps with me.
We were on fire only days before that. Hot. Amazing. Then he just flipped.
I still can’t get over it. I feel like I’m on another planet.
Sorry for the rant. Thanks for anyone who listens.

[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi Rvles,

The collateral damage from our MLCer is so devastating, and I can totally empathize with your situation.  Part of my XW's family has totally take my XWs side while her parents have not and still communicate with me from time to time.

Sometimes I feel like I am on another planet too but I have slowly come to accept that this is her crises.   I just have to let her be and focus on doing my best for me and my kids.

Keep taking care of your daughter and you can still find fulfillment and joy while your H is in his crises.   

HF