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Author Topic: My Story Built To Last

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My Story Built To Last
OP: August 03, 2021, 04:33:21 PM
This song from Redlight King is my anthem lately.  Not just mine, but I think all LBS's

Beware, there is one swear word in the song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MiC1AZBLp1M

Here are the lyrics minus the swear word if you don't want to listen
Quote
I've been to a place so cold, it steals your soul
It takes more than hope, it takes its toll
Where the fine line begins and heroes end
Where the nay sayers pray and the innocent sin
Where night conquers day and fortunes fade
The land sharks stay and hurt won't go away
When trouble sets in and you can't get out
Cause there's so much fear and doubt

I've been beat up and broken down
And I've been there a thousand times
I may have walked through the worst in hell my friend
And we all got our reasons why
I gave my life for the things I had
And it all flies by so fast
I may have walked through the worst in hell my friend
Now I know I was built to last
Built to last

I've been to a place so dark, it breaks your heart
The devil's teeth stay sharp and they leave their mark
And everything you've built, ******' falls apart
If you made it this far
You're right back where you start
And people work hard and just get by
Can't hang your head or hold it too high
No matter what's at stake, you stake your claim
And I won't live my life in vain

I've been beat up and broken down
And I've been there a thousand times
I may have walked through the worst in hell my friend
And we all got our reasons why
I gave my life for the things I had
And it all flies by so fast
I may have walked through the worst in hell my friend
Now I know I was built to last
Built to last, built to last,
I'm built to last, built to last

You keep rollin' on
There's no lookin' back
You keep rollin' on
There's no lookin' back
Built to last
(That's what it is)
Built to last
And you keep rollin' on
There's no lookin' back
You keep rollin' on
There's no lookin' back
I've been beat up and broken down
And I've been there a thousand times
I may have walked through the worst in hell my friend
And we all got our reasons why
I gave my life for the things I had
And it all flies by so fast
I may have walked through the worst in hell my friend
Now I know I was built to last
I was built to last
Built to last, I'm built to last
Built to last
Built to last
Built to last
It all flies away,
It all flies away so fast
It all flies away,
It all flies away so fast

Update coming...

Previous thread
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11716.msg778658#msg778658

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Built To Last
#1: August 03, 2021, 04:55:01 PM
I had a great trip out to Washington and back, although it was fast.  We got a late start Tuesday, so we only made it to Ogden, UT for the night so Wednesday was lots of driving.  We got to our destination about 8:45pm.  Thursday was spent hanging out with the new nieces and nephew (my step-sister's kids who I just met) who called me "Aunt Faith" right away.  Had a lot of great bonding moments.  I also got to bond quite a bit with the adopted step-sister who drove my M and Step-Dad's car out to them as part of our carpool and lives here close to our town.

Friday, S16 drove us (myself and the adopted SS) into Spokane and we did some Mall shopping for back to school things for S, then headed down to Coeur d'Alene for paddle boarding.  The Taste of Coeur d'Alene festival was lining the streets and in the park area next to the lake so we got a great atmosphere with live music, lots of yummy treats, and I paddle boarded that section of Lake Coeur d'Alene.  SS rented a kayak for an hour for $10 since I squeezed in only one paddle board thinking I wouldn't have room for much more than that in the car.  And S16 didn't want to get in the lake at all, so I gave him $20 and he wandered the festival, heading back to the car to turn on the A/C and listen to music while he waited for us.

We left around noon on Saturday.  S got lots of driving in, including crazy 5 lane interstate driving.  And we all survived!  We drove up through Idaho, part of Oregon into Washington and came back through Montana.

The kids were already wondering when I would be back to visit again.

So far M seems to be doing well.  It's a small town with not a lot of people and lots of farmland.  Rolling wheat fields and such.  They have chickens and bunnies and a garden, which is a lot like what I grew up with so I think M will be peaceful there.  The step-sister and her H are very capable with helping with my SD.  Her H is an EMT firefighter so he's at the house when he isn't on calls.  She homeschools the kids.  They were settling into a routine with M taking the night shift with SD and being close by if he needed something and napping during the day while step-sister and hubby  did the care during the day.  He had a visit scheduled with a doctor for today to set up primary care and then they plan on having home health come in and do some therapy with him.  He was doing well when I left.  I could see him growing happier and stronger each day, and less foggy.  Their suite has his bedroom and then another room with M's twin bed, and a sitting area with their recliner's.  I set up their tv with a Roku so they could watch tv together when they want, and M also had a built in desk which she will love to sit at and write letters.  I can also see her reading a lot, as well.  I updated her digital photo frame with a plethora of pictures of her to have of her family and sat it on her desk for her to enjoy.

It was pretty hazy up in Washington with the fires going on around there, so that affected my breathing a bit.  I was so happy to see blue skies and puffy white clouds as I got closer to Colorado.  Although we have been having some heavy rains and due to the fires last year, a lot of mud slides are happening on our interstate.  I'm glad I did not have to drive that direction and won't plan on driving it anytime soon, not that it's open anyway.

I hope everyone is well.  I'm headed to catch up with y'all on your posts.   :)

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Built To Last
#2: August 05, 2021, 10:25:06 PM
I'm definitely having to work hard for my new promotion money.  Work is constantly busy and I don't ever have enough time to finish everything, so I have to prioritize.  I just keep plugging away.

After work last night, D19 and niece 18 and I went paddle boarding just as the sun was slipping over the horizon.  It was incredibly peaceful.  Everyone else was getting off the lake as we were getting on.  The sky was beautiful, though we had a little haze from smoke blowing in from somewhere.  The lake was glassy, reflecting the cotton candy pinks and blues from the sky. 

I was so excited to come back from Washington to see that my neighbor had gotten my backyard finished with the new sod and some decorative rock.  It's beautiful.  D and I are going to take some time this weekend to finish cleaning up the patio.  Eventually we will replace the patio table with outdoor seating instead and add some new decorations.

Tonight D was at work when I came home.  It's been a quiet night at home catching up on here.  S16 hopefully got his braces off yesterday.  I can't wait to see him!  And his F took him to his back to school check-in the day before.  And thankfully, he stepped up while I was up in Washington and helped out getting S's drives with the instructor scheduled on the app.  I am grateful for this as I've had a lot on my plate lately, between helping my M pack for her move and getting my new position, and then the drive 1,000+ miles away and back.

xH's picture popped up on my FB feed today.  It was a post xMIL made yesterday on his birthday.  I remembered that it was his birthday, but did not see the need to reach out as I felt I should just quietly reflect on his birthday without seeking him out about it.  Mirroring him this year in regards to my birthday.

The picture was of him in a suit and looked like he was at a wedding of some sorts, but the other person was cropped out of the picture.  Definitely a more recent picture of him.  As usual, the picture cemented the altering from my former H to a person that slightly resembles my former H, but not by much.

I'm glad tomorrow is Friday.  Getting back Sunday evening and then returning to work right away has been a bit exhausting.  I have noticed that my body seems to be so happy at returning to my familiar bed, that once I go to sleep once I have tucked myself in, I have been sleeping the entire night without remembering waking multiple times in the night.  Dreams seem to be more stabilized too.  I'm still pretty tired when I wake up to my silent alarm in the morning.  I need to work on getting to sleep earlier in the evening.

D and I need to go get our passport photos tomorrow night.  We have been talked into hopefully taking a trip next May along with my B, SIL, nephew and they offered to pay for S16.  We are hoping that there won't be any issues with the getting of the passports, but want to give it plenty of time in case it takes a while for them to come to us.  I've been contemplating how to raise the funds for me.  D is planning on paying for herself.  We are getting excited, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much.


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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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Built To Last
#3: August 06, 2021, 02:42:09 AM
Following along Faith

I saw something in the news about a horrible mud slide on the Million Dollar Highway through Glen Canyon. Is that what you were talking about?
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Built To Last
#4: August 06, 2021, 08:05:14 AM
Following along, Faith. And I appreciate the reminder that it’s time to renew my passport as well!
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Re: Built To Last
#5: August 06, 2021, 08:41:22 AM
Faith your vacation sounded amazing and busy.  Thanks for sharing it with us.

It's always nice to get home to your own bed though, isn't it?   :)

I just talked with my brother in CO (Arvada) but he never mentioned the mudslides.
Hopefully the rains stop now.  Those mudslides are scary.

Welcome home!
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« Last Edit: August 06, 2021, 11:23:01 PM by Thunder »
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Built To Last
#6: August 06, 2021, 08:55:51 AM
Btw...Redlight King is one of my favs.  Bullet in My Hand is the best.
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Built To Last
#7: August 06, 2021, 06:00:15 PM
Following along Faith

I saw something in the news about a horrible mud slide on the Million Dollar Highway through Glen Canyon. Is that what you were talking about?

Yes, UM, that's the one.  It also dumped into Hanging Lake, which used to be quite beautiful.  So sad.





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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

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Built To Last
#8: August 06, 2021, 06:00:57 PM
Following along, Faith. And I appreciate the reminder that it’s time to renew my passport as well!

Your welcome, C!   ;)
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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Re: Built To Last
#9: August 06, 2021, 06:05:37 PM
Faith your vacation sounded amazing and busy.  Thanks for sharing it with us.

It's always nice to get home to your own bed though, doesn't it?   :)

I just talked with my brother in CO (Arvada) but he never mentioned the mudslides.
Hopefully the rains stop now.  Those mudslides are scary.

Welcome home!

Yes, crazy mudslides Thunder.  My brother is a trucker and he and 18 other semis had to spend 7 hours parked in the tunnel because they got caught in the very first mudslide and CDOT had to put them somewhere while they cleaned it up.  Thankfully the tunnel had a bathroom they could use.  He has to drive up to Vail every day and so his boss put a policy in that they had to be out of Vail and headed home by noon so that they wouldn't get caught in the afternoon rainstorms and resulting mudslides on the burn scars from last year.  Somewhere, I saw video footage of it taken from a rafter who was in the river at the time.  I'll see if I can find it.

Btw...Redlight King is one of my favs.  Bullet in My Hand is the best.
I'll have to listen to that one and some others by RK.  I think I came upon them randomly and need to listen to more of them.

Edit:  Here's the video.  You might have to have Facebook to watch it.
https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=1178191736032119

That was in June
Here is the most recent:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ycNdz4JHqYo
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« Last Edit: August 06, 2021, 06:11:06 PM by FaithWalker »
Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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Built To Last
#10: August 06, 2021, 07:06:18 PM
Along for the walk, Faith. Thanks for sharing the song!
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

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My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

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Re: Built To Last
#11: August 07, 2021, 01:51:21 PM
Wow Faith, those video's were shocking, scary but also fascinating.
Like a bad accident you can't turn away from. Ha ha

I hadn't heard anything about these mudslides on CO.  I have seen plenty of them in CA.

I've been to CO a few times and stayed in Vail once.  It's beautiful country!  Awesome hiking trails.
If I was ever to leave MN, CO would be my choice to live.  The weather is somewhat better than ours, at least in the winter.   I've seen you guys get 2 feet of snow but then the next day it's 65 degrees and everything is melting.
We get 2 feet of snow (which btw is rare) and it's here for the winter.  ;D

Anyway thank you for the video's, very interesting to watch.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Built To Last
#12: August 07, 2021, 10:05:44 PM
I like how many days of sunshine we have.  I get some seasonal depression, but I think it might be worse if I lived somewhere that had less days of sunshine.  Even when it's snowy and cold, the sun is still shining.   :)
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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#13: August 08, 2021, 01:34:44 PM
I need to call my M later after the afternoon nap timeframe to see what is going on.  My B said that she called and talked to him on Friday and is trying to find a way to move back here.  I talked to her on Monday and all was well.  Yikes.

S16 texted me to let me know that he needs to go black pants shopping tonight.  He found out that he did get the firefighter internship.  How exciting.  It sounds like he likes his school schedule.  He starts back tomorrow.
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

H
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Built To Last
#14: August 08, 2021, 03:13:11 PM
Hi FW,

Hope all is ok with your M.   This move has to be really hard on her and I imagine her emotions will be up/down with feeling home sick.   Hope she can figure things out and make the best decision for her.   Glad son 16 got the internship and likes his school schedule.   My kids go back this week and both like their schedules for this year.   My kids are both in middle school together this year which will be fun.   

HF
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Built To Last
#15: August 09, 2021, 03:09:41 PM
Somehow I missed your new thread.   Better late than never. 
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“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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Built To Last
#16: August 09, 2021, 06:17:18 PM
Hi FW,

Hope all is ok with your M.   This move has to be really hard on her and I imagine her emotions will be up/down with feeling home sick.   Hope she can figure things out and make the best decision for her.   Glad son 16 got the internship and likes his school schedule.   My kids go back this week and both like their schedules for this year.   My kids are both in middle school together this year which will be fun.   

HF

She definitely is working on a plan to come back.  She says that her H and his D are on board with it and she will make frequent trips out to see him.

Somehow I missed your new thread.   Better late than never. 

Welcome aboard.  Not too late!  You haven't missed much.

Welp, first day of school done and dusted.  Yikes my position was crazy busy.  And that was even with being late due to taking S to school.

Tomorrow D will take him for me and I will shoot away from work long enough to pick him up and bring him home.  We are counting down the days until he can drive himself and D will get the upgrade car from her F's side of the family.
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

s
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Built To Last
#17: August 09, 2021, 08:45:06 PM
FW - I'm late to the party but joining your journey. 
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Built To Last
#18: August 10, 2021, 09:58:24 AM
I would not survive in place with no sunshine either.  I am a flip flops kinda gal.

That is shame about your Mom being unhappy.  I hope she is able to come to decision that brings her peace.

School again already? I am not mentally ready for this school year.  Hoping it is a good school year for your and your kids this year.   
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Married 1998
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“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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Built To Last
#19: August 10, 2021, 06:22:36 PM
Welcome SB.

Yes, school starts pretty early here, in my opinion.  Last year they pushed it back to the 17th and that was nice.

It is so hazy here right now, air quality is really bad.  I'm hoping it will clear out soon.
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The Apology Every LBS Deserves

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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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Built To Last
#20: August 14, 2021, 10:36:18 AM
School just started on Monday but I swear it feels like we have been in session for 2 weeks instead of 1.  I'm not sure why the week felt so very long lol.

S loves his firefighter internship!

A little bit of interaction with xH this week.  All of it to do with our entangled lives due to children.

Tuesday night, xH called me as I was leaving work to talk about things to do with S16.  We ended up with a 25 minute call, but stayed on the topic of S.  He was calling to let me know that he had gotten S's driving test scheduled for the day after his last drive with the instructor.  S had his first drive last Friday night and xH shared that the instructor said that S is pretty much ready, even without the next 2 drive times, so that was good to hear that we have done well with him.  Instructor said to xH that he had asked S how much interstate time he had before taking him on the interstate and S laughed and told him that he was well seasoned in that area.  I am very grateful to xH for taking on getting the drives scheduled for S while we were away in Washington, and I have told him that I am grateful for his help with this matter.

xH asked about S's internship and expressed that he was sad that S hadn't really shared any information with him about it when he asked.  I told him that maybe S would open up to him in the future and then joked that it took me acting like I wasn't interested for S to tell me.  xH has to also keep in mind that he had S last week, before school started, so S had learned of the internship, but hadn't been back with xH since he'd actually started the internship.  If they have texted or spoken on the phone, S most likely wouldn't share via that avenue anyway.  S sought me out in my bedroom the one day to talk about it and another day we were in the car on the way back from school so it was fresh on his mind having just come from it. 

Wednesday night, S21 came over and brought steaks to cook us for dinner.  He's been doing a fabulous job cooking for his roommates and wanted to make a meal for us he had learned to cook by watching someone on YouTube.  Unfortunately, I only had olive oil, nonstick pans, and a stove that heated differently then his own.  Between that, and S's realization that he bought a different selection of meat than the last time, S was disappointed in the end results.  D, S16 and I thought it tasted good, but S21 said that it wasn't up to par with what he had done before.  He said that we will have to have a re-do and come to his house for the great steaks versus just good lol.  It was a lovely evening regardless.  All 4 of us were in the kitchen together and it was just such great together time.  While S cooked the steaks, impressing me with all his fresh ingredients he was using to mix with the trimmings, I sauteed some zucchini squash and made some mashed potatoes with cheddar, bacon and chives.  D was at the sink washing a load of dishes and chatting away with S.  S16 hung out for a while, then disappeared to his room as oft teenagers his age do, but appeared again magically when the food was ready!

In the midst of everything the doorbell rang, which D and S21 were impressed that I even heard with the conversation and our background tunes.  I thought it might be the neighbor who has been doing some landscape things for me in my backyard, but to my surprise xH was standing there.  He had a rifle case and a couple cases of bullets.  He said he had been texting with S21 but that S hadn't answered his last query about dropping off the rifle to him so that he could practice at the range for hunting so he figured that he would just swing by.  Apparently S21 had said that he was at my place.  S21 came to the door and collected his things and set them aside to take with him when he left later.  Then S21 excused himself to get back to the steaks, which he'd left cooking in the kitchen.  I did not feel the need to invite xH in and he left, with his mission to deliver the rifle accomplished.

Yesterday, I needed to find a ride for S from school because I had already been late to work taking him and D had to work in the afternoon so it was looking like I would need to leave work yet again to go back and pick him up, so instead, I sent out a text thread to xH, 2 of my B's, SIL, nephew20 and S21 asking if there was anyone available to pick him up for me.  xH was the first one to volunteer, and then SIL followed.  I texted SIL directly and let her know that the other number that picked up was xH because I knew she didn't have his number in her phone and that if that fell through I would let her know.  xH did pick up S and hopefully they were able to have a more in depth conversation on their ride back to xH dropping S off at my house.  I don't know.

Today has been lovely just having a bit of a lie in this morning.  I am about to get up and get on with my day.  The lawn needs mowed again and if the neighbor hasn't been over yet to do it, I will take that on again.  I rescued some geraniums from my M's old house that she had potted and was given the heads up by SD's adopted daughter when she was over there a couple days ago that I should come on a rescue mission before the cleaners got there and the new tenants would be showing up.  I watered them really well, and trimmed off all the dead leaves and foliage and they are jumping back to life very well and adding some nice color to my back yard.  I hadn't had a chance to plant any of my own, so it's nice to have those.  M and I have texted lightly throughout the week, but she hasn't shared anything more of her plans.  She found one of S's favorite shirts that he accidentally left behind and mailed that out and then sent me a funny video that my Step Sister she's living with had shared with her.  Earlier this week she posted to a text thread between her and myself and my 4 brothers with pictures of the wheat fields and how the farmers are about to harvest them.  I'm the only one that responded to that text.   :-\

Alright, I'm anxious to get up and moving and feeling a bit too lazy.  Have a great Saturday everyone.
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#21: August 16, 2021, 06:21:23 PM
Tuesday night, xH called me as I was leaving work to talk about things to do with S16.  We ended up with a 25 minute call, but stayed on the topic of S.  He was calling to let me know that he had gotten S's driving test scheduled for the day after his last drive with the instructor.  S had his first drive last Friday night and xH shared that the instructor said that S is pretty much ready, even without the next 2 drive times, so that was good to hear that we have done well with him.  Instructor said to xH that he had asked S how much interstate time he had before taking him on the interstate and S laughed and told him that he was well seasoned in that area.  I am very grateful to xH for taking on getting the drives scheduled for S while we were away in Washington, and I have told him that I am grateful for his help with this matter.

Hi FW,

My W have also been very helpful with my kids over the past couple of weeks which has been so refreshing.   Glad that your XH was able to help and appears to be making your kids a priority in his life.   

HF
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#22: August 16, 2021, 07:29:11 PM
Hi FaithWalker,
your updates make me smile.  I love your details so full of real life, thank you for your sunshine.

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#23: August 19, 2021, 09:23:23 PM
Thank you HF and 5H

Tomorrow is Friday and I'm looking forward to the end of the week.  Thankfully work has leveled out some and I should be able to stay at my 40 hours this week, although the little bit of overtime has been nice.

Tonight was Bible Study.  I hadn't been participating in a while and we started a new book tonight.  It's called Forward by Dr. David Jeremiah.  Seems pretty appropriate for an LBS.   ;D

M has settled down some for the time being.  We talked earlier in the week and she and SD and SS were having a quiet house as the SS's hubby took the 5 kids on a vacation to the coast.

Today my neighbor sent a text letting me know that he is being called back to work in Alaska and is no longer interested in buying and fixing up my older vehicle.  And now he wants to be paid for the work he did in my yard.  This is a tough blow and coming up with that extra money was not what I needed right now.  Hopefully I can get photos of the vehicle posted and an offer on it soon.  I need to get it taken off my hands for sure, and the sooner the better, because then I can use some of that money to pay him, rather than have it come out of my paycheck.  So bummed.

We've been getting some rainy weather the last few days.  It has cooled things down.  We had been having 99-104F temps.  Today as I was driving to work my temp said 58F.  They had just recently re-opened the interstate, but as the rain started to flow, they opted to shut it back down because that burn scar is still very precarious.  I was supposed to drive about an hour to meet my friend who was going to drive about an hour and a half my way to meet to go paddle boarding Saturday, but her route is the route that now everyone has to take, so I'm not sure she wants to be on that road with heavier traffic being re-routed that way.  Plus the weather may not be so great Saturday, so we will see what happens.

S had his 2nd drive session Tuesday and next week is his final session and then his driving test.  He went to his F's last night, so that has taken some pressure off of me to give him rides to and from school.  He will be back Sunday night.

That's pretty much the update on me right now.
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#24: August 22, 2021, 02:34:08 PM
Hi FW,

Glad to hear you are involved again with your Bible Study and David Jeremiah is such a spiritual thought leader.   I have heard him speak at  Men's conference before and really enjoyed his teaching.   Good luck as you get settled back into school and glad to hear your M has settled down for now.

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#25: August 27, 2021, 07:49:07 PM
Good evening everyone.  Another week down.  S passed his driving test Thursday, but the whole licensing thing is so weird now.  His Dad had to upload all the documents online instead of going to the DMV with S and then they said it would take a day to process.  It came back as processed, waiting to mail.  S then had to log into an app and create an account and then scan the back of his permit, then he took a photo of himself with his phone for his DL and then his permit on the app changed into a DL.  Craziness.  He will then get his license in the mail. 

S16 is very excited to drive and already has a job lead he is going to pursue.  So many businesses around here are hurting for workers.

This week D19 started at university.  It's been good so far, although she had some trouble with commuter parking the first day and was late to several of her classes.  She has 2 different campuses that she has classes at, the university and the community college campus.  Only 1 of her 4 books arrived in time, so she ended up ordering the other 3 on Amazon and now has to figure out how to cancel the others from the university bookstore.  And she has to take a Covid test.  I think she got that done today but she left for work before I got home so I haven't had a chance to talk to her.  She doesn't have any symptoms, it's just required.  They will have random tests at points throughout the semester too.

We all had dinner together at S21's house last night and he made the most fabulous Ribeye steaks I've ever had.  Oh my goodness they were amazing.  Then we watched the Snake Eyes Movie together and ate cheesecake in celebration of S16 passing his driving test.  It was a nice night.

Not much else to update on me.  Nothing exciting lol.  Just working, coming home with dinner or cooking dinner each night, watching a little tv and then crashing into bed.  Tonight I mowed the lawn and then cracked open a cold Root Beer lol.  My life is so exciting.  Haha.
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#26: August 28, 2021, 07:13:34 AM
It all sounds lovely Faith. Big milestones for the kids DL and college amid the continuing COVID madness. It really is the small stuff that counts.
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#27: August 28, 2021, 03:29:15 PM
Thanks DF.  It IS lovely, you are right.

Today I dropped S off at xH's house to pick up D's car to drive back for her.  She received a hand-me-down car from a deceased relative that is newer than the one xH and I bought for her together.  S will be driving her old car now.   xH wasn't there, he had plans to leave town and visit his parents, so he left the keys on a desk inside the door. S let himself in with the hide-a-key.  It was his first solo flight, and he wasn't too far behind me getting home.  xH and I have had quite a bit of contact with S's DL stuff, but I expect now that he has his DL, there won't be much contact.  S will drive himself over to xH's house now when it's time to visit.

It feels so strange to have my youngest have his DL.  Another stage has passed.
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#28: August 29, 2021, 02:02:07 AM
FW, thanks for your updates. Would you mind sharing the recipie he used for  the ribeye steaks? And fixings?
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#29: August 29, 2021, 04:57:47 PM
Not much else to update on me.  Nothing exciting lol.  Just working, coming home with dinner or cooking dinner each night, watching a little tv and then crashing into bed.  Tonight I mowed the lawn and then cracked open a cold Root Beer lol.  My life is so exciting.  Haha.

Hi FW,

Glad to hear that son passed his driving test and that things are going with you and your kids.   As for excitement, sometimes having a peaceful time of work, dinner, and some time to relax is enough.  After all the craziness in the past year, the past month for me has been uneventful which has been nice for a change.

HF
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#30: August 29, 2021, 05:34:09 PM
FW - just think of all the extra time you're going to have not driving kids here, there, and everywhere! 

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#31: August 30, 2021, 06:03:42 PM
FW, thanks for your updates. Would you mind sharing the recipie he used for  the ribeye steaks? And fixings?

He watched a YouTube video a while back and has been copying him.  I'll see if I can get him to share the link to the video.
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#32: August 30, 2021, 06:05:22 PM
Not much else to update on me.  Nothing exciting lol.  Just working, coming home with dinner or cooking dinner each night, watching a little tv and then crashing into bed.  Tonight I mowed the lawn and then cracked open a cold Root Beer lol.  My life is so exciting.  Haha.

Hi FW,

Glad to hear that son passed his driving test and that things are going with you and your kids.   As for excitement, sometimes having a peaceful time of work, dinner, and some time to relax is enough.  After all the craziness in the past year, the past month for me has been uneventful which has been nice for a change.

HF

You are quite right HF.  And this type of life will be very appealing to the right person.  I am grateful for the peace and consistency of it all.
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#33: August 30, 2021, 06:06:15 PM
FW - just think of all the extra time you're going to have not driving kids here, there, and everywhere!

Quite right SB, quite right!  Now if I could NOT spend extra time worrying about them driving here, there and everywhere!   ;D
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#34: August 31, 2021, 09:09:06 AM
Seriously - S is going to start driving this fall and I am
not ready for the stress of two out there in the big world without me. I can’t sleep a wink until they are home.
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#35: September 01, 2021, 03:59:45 PM
FW - Catching up.  You seem well!  You have a lot of your plate but you seem to be conquering all that comes at you with grace and dignity!

Take care of you!   Sam
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#36: September 15, 2021, 10:22:29 PM
Seriously - S is going to start driving this fall and I am
not ready for the stress of two out there in the big world without me. I can’t sleep a wink until they are home.

It is a different feeling, isn't it?

FW - Catching up.  You seem well!  You have a lot of your plate but you seem to be conquering all that comes at you with grace and dignity!

Take care of you!   Sam

Thank you Sam
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#37: September 15, 2021, 11:02:03 PM
I had a lovely weekend with a lot of my family.  My oldest B from Alaska had a concert at Red Rocks Friday night and had made plans to fly out of our town on Monday, but he had made the in town reservation before M moved away, thinking he would come and visit her.   Originally the rest of us siblings were going to try to get tickets for the concert too but it sold out too quickly.   He was thinking of changing his flight to fly out of Denver but I encouraged him to keep his flight and maintained that his family on this side of the mountains would like to see him.  So I drove over to Denver Friday night and stayed the night on my other B's couch.  I had a nice dinner out with my B, SIL and 3 of my 4 nephews from that B.

Saturday my oldest B and I headed back here and met up with my middle B, SIL, and my cousin and his wife who recently moved back from NC.  We watched the new Marvel movie together, and then went out to dinner.  My youngest B and SIL met us, as well as one of my nephews from my middle B and my S16. (D19 and S21 were working)

Sunday I went to Church with oldest B, and middle B and SIL.  My middle B and SIL have a guest room so oldest B was staying there, but they had a staff retreat they were leaving for after Church but said that B could continue to stay at their house, so then my oldest B and I went out to lunch.  Between that and the car ride over the day before, we had a lot of great bonding and conversation.  I had invited S21 to lunch but he didn't get the invitation in time.  After lunch, I dropped B off to change clothes and ran home to quickly mow the yard and put in a load of laundry and then D19 and I went back and picked up B and took him paddle boarding with us.  It was his first time on the paddle boards.  We spent about 3 hours out on the lake, late afternoon until sunset started.

Monday, S21 made plans to have lunch one-on-one with my B and then take him to the airport.  I was so glad that they were able to do that.

Monday afternoon I got a text from xH.  He was letting me know that he has Covid and not to have S16 come over for his visit (which started tonight).  I responded by sharing with him that his cousin and wife have it too and that I would keep S16 home even though he had already had it, this could be a different variant and I wasn't sure how long immunity lasts anyway.  And then ended by telling him that I hoped he feels better soon.  He thanked me and then I told him that if they (he and wife - assuming she had it or would be quarantined with him) needed anything dropped off at the doorstep to let me know, between myself, S16 and D19 that one of us could make a delivery if needed.  He said he would and thanked me again.

When I got home, I asked S16 if he had heard from his F and when he said no, I let him know that his F was really sick and what was decided about parenting time.

Later Monday evening xMIL texted and told me that she, xFIL, xH and his wife all have Covid and that they needed some prayers.  She said that xFIL and xH have it worse than the women.  xFIL had to go to urgent care in a couple of towns over from them Saturday and get some iv fluids.  I let her know that xH had texted about himself being sick but that I didn't know about the others and that I would be praying.  We texted back and forth for a little bit.

I let both S16 and D19 know that their relatives were sick and S16 said that xH's wife had texted him and made sure he knew not to come tonight.

xH was sick as far back as Labor Day weekend because S16 said that he'd spent the weekend and Labor day mostly in his room as xH and wife were isolating in their bedroom.  They thought they just had bad colds but were trying to take precautions even then, although it would have just been good for them to send him home since they were so sick.  Last Wednesday I had gotten a letter from S's school forwarding on a letter from the health department letting me know that he was possibly exposed in class on Tuesday the 7th.  He did not need to quarantine, but we are supposed to monitor for symptoms through the 17th.

Since we got the exposure letter, I have been re-masking up as a pre-caution when I am not sitting at my desk at work, or when I'm indoors anywhere other than at home just in case S were to be asymptomatic and then pass it on to me unknowingly, and I were to also be asymptomatic, although I have had had both Covid and the vaccine.

It's really ramping up around here and many are against getting the vaccine.  S16 would like to get the vaccine, but he is convinced that his F is one that is against the vaccine.  I have been preparing myself for a planned conversation with him as I feel that in order for S to go to Germany, he should get the vaccine.  Perhaps xH will be more open to a conversation about it in the near future.

I had a longer conversation with D about it as she had originally said that she did not want to get the vaccine and I thought perhaps she had been talking to friends who were dead-set against it and listening to them.  She said that it wasn't that, but more that she hates needles and was dreading the pain from the jab.  I was able to assuage her fears a bit by relaying my experience with it.

Anyway, I need to go to bed as it is quite late here and I have to work tomorrow, but I figured I was due for a bit of an update.   

I hope everyone is doing well and staying safe.
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#38: September 16, 2021, 01:54:16 AM
Hi FW,

Depending on when S16 wants to come to Germany, he might HAVE to get the jabs before he can enter the country. Since the US has restricted anyone form the EU entry without the shot (or spending 2 weeks somewhere outside the EU), the EU has enacted similar restrictions on travellers coming from the US.

In addition, Germany is already mostly going with the 3G rule (translated it's "recovered, vaccinated, or tested" where tested means a PCR test less than 48 hours old), many places like restaurants and such are now using their rights of ownership (the rights the owners have to determine who can come in, etc) and going with 2 G (Vaccinated or Recovered) because then the rest of the mandates of masks and distancing can be waived.

s16 will need to have his 2nd jab at least 2 weeks before arrival in Germany and show proof. There are also online forms to fill out prior to entry, etc.

If you need other information, PN me and I'll see what I can get you in English or translate to the best of my ability.

UM
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#39: September 17, 2021, 07:19:49 PM
Ok thank you UM.  My SIL is planning the trip and watching all the travel info.  S16 did have Covid, but back in November, so will be over a year and a half by the time that he travels.
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#40: September 17, 2021, 08:03:21 PM
Hi FW,

Glad that you were able to spend time with your family and sorry to hear that xH, XMIL, XFIL, and others not worth mentioning have COVID.   Hope they can recover and don't have severe symptoms.   We are masking here at work and I feel relatively safe with the vaccine and having COVID 8 months ago.   Hoping COVID would have lessened by fall but we'll have to keep moving forward doing the best that we can.

Also, Red Rocks is an absolute bucket list place that I want to visit to enjoy a great concert.  Will have to plan sometime when the craziness in my life subsides.

HF
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#41: September 17, 2021, 11:29:21 PM
HF, Red Rocks concert is a bucket list item for me as well.  So far I have missed two concerts that I had wanted to go to there.  I will continue to watch for the for another opportunity.
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#42: September 19, 2021, 02:09:47 PM
Sorry to hear about all the COVID cases. Hoping everyone can get through it and fully recover quickly.
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#43: September 20, 2021, 01:54:57 AM
HF, Red Rocks concert is a bucket list item for me as well.  So far I have missed two concerts that I had wanted to go to there.  I will continue to watch for the for another opportunity.

Red Rocks is amazing, despite the fact that they had to lower the volume a bit because of noise complaints form the neighbors (it is not like the venue moved in after the houses were built but hey, money brings entitlement...  ::) )  I have seen Sarah McLachlan there as well as Rush and a couple of others.... In my younger years   ;)
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Me - 58, xW - 51
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BD#1 - August 2015
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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#44: October 02, 2021, 09:31:18 AM
Well, now I am sick with Covid.  Despite being vaccinated and having had a false negative 10 months ago.  This feels extremely similar to what I had back when S16 tested positive.  I did a nasal swab then and this time I opted for a saliva test.

I spent last weekend house sitting for my friends who left town for a family weekend away.  They came back Sunday night and I was there with them briefly at that point.  Friend texted me Tuesday that her H had tested positive.  By Wednesday night I had chills and a low grade fever.  I went and got a saliva test Thursday morning and the results came back last night.

I was really hoping not to go through this again, but here I am.  S16 left for xH's on Wednesday, and since they just recently recovered from it, I think he's going to just opt to stay there until I start to feel better.
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#45: October 02, 2021, 09:53:50 AM
Well crap FW,
U did not dodge that bullet.  But i am confident you will get through this quickly. I am seeing quite a few cases of COVID after the vaccine.  Fortunately those i have seen recover fairly quickly.  My friend was diagnosed positive and the very next day they went to her house and did an antibody infusion.  Quick recovery in about four days for her.

Wishing the very best and a quick and full recovery!!
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#46: October 02, 2021, 09:57:26 AM
Hi FW,

I am so sorry to hear that you have COVID after house sitting for your friends.  Glad that you are vaccinated and symptoms appear to be mild. Hope your son returns home soon after you start to feel better, and that you can get some good rest this weekend.

HF
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#47: October 02, 2021, 10:56:08 AM
I am sorry Faith and hope that you get well quickly.

I will soon get a booster but I am also wearing a mask indoors and haven't gone into a gym...actually I am really only wanting to be around people who are vaccinated.

Please take good care of yourself!
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

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#48: October 02, 2021, 12:06:23 PM
Curing thoughts and a quick recovery to you, FW.
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#49: October 02, 2021, 08:38:00 PM
Sending you positive vibes for a quick recovery.
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#50: October 03, 2021, 02:33:23 PM
I’m so sorry, FW. Wishing you a speedy recovery.
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#51: October 04, 2021, 01:43:50 AM
Well, now I am sick with Covid.  Despite being vaccinated and having had a false negative 10 months ago.  This feels extremely similar to what I had back when S16 tested positive.  I did a nasal swab then and this time I opted for a saliva test.

Wait a second... Am I reading this correctly that you have been vaccinated AND that you have already had COVID once (a false negative test would mean that you had it but the test said you didn't)

I mean, the saying is "Third time's a charm" but this is a bit ridiculous.....

Hope you are feeling better soon!
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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#52: October 04, 2021, 07:28:50 PM
Yep, I guess I shouldn't plan on playing the lottery.  My luck is just not that good.

The first test last Thanksgiving, they handed me the nasal swab.  I probably did it wrong or not deep enough, or something, because I definitely had some version of what I have now.

This time, I likely have the Delta or Lambda variant and am one of those special breakthrough cases.

I have now fully lost taste and smell.  I do not likey.  I guess maybe I will lose a few pounds.  Gotta look on the bright side I guess.   :-\
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#53: October 05, 2021, 06:12:57 PM
Oh dear, FW, so sorry to hear about the Covid diagnosis.  You've really been through the wringer with it.  Get some good rest, supplement with the necessary vitamins and nix the lotto lol
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#54: October 06, 2021, 10:47:13 AM
Thank you for the recovery wishes everyone.  It means a lot to me! I am holding my own.  I start my day upon waking with some sun therapy out on the back patio.  Thankfully, CO is one of the sunniest places on earth, so I'm basking in it and hoping that having some of that vitamin D in my system is helping combat this.

I ran a fever consistently at bedtime every evening from Wednesday night to Saturday night, but Sunday night arrived and I was surprised that the usual chills did not, and I haven't gotten a fever since, that I know of.  My breathing and heartrate also seem to be better this time around.  Last time, my heart rate would randomly spike to 134 while I was sitting on the couch doing nothing (from normally sitting in the 70's) and my Fitbit sleep monitor was showing some breathing issues which I'd never had before.  This time, my heart rate has remained good, the highest it went was 109 while I was running a fever that first night.  So far only one night with one spike indicative of possible breathing.  Last year, there were multiple spikes a night.

As soon as I knew I was getting sick, I upped my dosages on some of my supplements as well.

So far, my symptoms could be best described as having a light flu.  The influenza B I had back in 2018 was really bad, 8 days long and I had to take some tepid baths to get my fever down.  I was miserable and felt hopeless.  This has been more bearable than that. 

I did have one evening of feeling down after losing my taste and smell.  I take such pleasure in those two senses.  After loss of taste and smell, my hearing has improved, which isn't great actually because I could already hear quite well.  I find myself getting annoyed because I can hear really annoying high frequency sounds that bother me.  I'm trying to listen to music, for the pleasure aspect since that's all I have left, lol and to drown out the annoying sounds lol. 

Hopefully the next few days I continue to recover well and earn my way out of isolation on Saturday night.  My M arrives on Monday for a 2 week stay and I want to be able to spend time with her while she is here, but I won't go anywhere if I am still having any symptoms.  She will be staying with my B in his guest room.  I also dearly want my S16 to come home.  I miss him and I hope that he is having an ok time at his F's.

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#55: October 10, 2021, 10:19:20 PM
Hi FW,

Checking in to see how your recovery is going and hoping you were able to make it out of Isolation.  I know when I had COVID, I dealt more with the physician symptoms during the first 4-5 days and then felt more isolated and alone during the remaining 5 days as I started to feel better.   Sense of taste and smell went away for me too but eventually returned in time.

Hope you get to enjoy your time with your S and your M when she visits.   Have a great week.

HF 
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#56: October 11, 2021, 03:16:48 PM
Oh no FW! Wishing you a speedy recovery! I'm vaccinated too but take nothing for granted. Please get some rest and take care of yourself!
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#57: October 11, 2021, 04:00:07 PM
Thank you HF and KIT.  Today I was back at work, and I'm going in a bit later in the morning than usual.  I was supposed to leave at 3 today, but didn't end up getting out of there until 4:15.  I'm a bit exhausted tonight, but will go again a little late tomorrow.

I feel pretty good, all things considered.

I did have a bit of a mini panic attack last night.  I was coughing a bit as I was trying to get to sleep (from drainage most likely) and I kept thinking about not having smell and started going down the rabbit hole of what ifs.  What if I never get my smell back?  Which is hopefully absurd, but of course I went there.  We take scent for granted!  I was thinking of all the things I miss and how smell is attached to some memories.  I was thinking about how I would never be able to smell the perfume I like to wear, or the smell of coffee brewing, or a pie baking in the oven, or the ground after a good hard rain.  What if I met someone and smell is related to pheromones', and how attracted I get by the smell of a man's cologne, what if I never smell that?  And then I imagined holding a newborn grandchild and not being able to take in their delicious baby smell.  I don't even have a grandchild on the way and I was freaking out about this!  I really had to talk myself down.  I started to panic and had to sit up in bed and stop myself but the emotional/psychological panic had set in.  Is this just a feminine thing?   ???

Ugh, I am sure I was being quite ridiculous.  I will breathe a huge sigh of relief when my sniffer starts working properly again, even though the plus side of no smell is that I don't have to smell all the bad smells.  Still would trade it in a heartbeat though.
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#58: October 11, 2021, 06:34:30 PM
I know a couple people who lost their sense of taste and smell with COVID. It took awhile for those senses to come back but it eventually, gradually came back. My one friend said that when she started getting the senses back that things didn’t smell or taste like she remembered at first and it really freaked her out. It did sort out after a long while.

A friend was admitted to the hospital this morning with COVID. She is vaccinated and has been through chemo in the last few years. It totally sucks. We are not out of the woods yet.
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Married 1998
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#59: October 20, 2021, 04:10:44 PM
Sorry to hear about your friend KIT!  I hope she is doing okay and was able to get the help she needed.

My taste and smell have almost fully come back.  Coffee still tastes not quite right, but everything else so far is pretty good.  I actually used some bio freeze on my sore hip and got a little bit on my hand.  I thought I would try to smell it and low and behold I could smell the menthol and then I could feel the menthol up in my sinuses.  The next day my taste started coming back and that was last Tuesday, the day after I typed that! 
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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#60: October 21, 2021, 05:14:58 PM
Glad to hear you are recovering.  Let’s hope you have super immunity now!!

My friend is home now on oxygen. The chemo does a number on your immune system so she wasn’t able to create a lot of antibodies from the vaccine but she had some and the doctor said if she hadn’t been vaccinated it could have been a whole lot worse.

Let’s hope the worst is behind us all now!

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Married 1998
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Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
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#61: October 27, 2021, 04:55:23 PM
Popping back on for an update.

S21 is losing a roommate and so he has asked D19 to rent his 3rd room.  So D19 will be moving out in the next month and sharing a home with S21 and Nephew20.  This will be interesting.  It's been nice to have her the extra year and a half but I knew she would fly the coop eventually.  This is a way for her to test the waters.

My townhome is close to her uni so she most likely will still drop by and hang here in between her classes and such.

It's bittersweet for sure.  They are growing up.

S16 got a job a few weeks ago and I am seeing less and less of him as well.

My M came to visit for 2 weeks and has put in an application for an apartment back here.  She will go out to visit her H frequently, but wants to live here.  There were some red flags with her short term memory while she was here, so I am a little leary of her living alone.  There are 7 others on the waiting list in front of her, so we will see what happens there.  She might be able to function for a while, but I think we should have some cameras in her kitchen, to make sure she doesn't leave the stove on.  We may need to sit down with her and have a chat about what we are seeing.  I am worried about her.

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#62: October 27, 2021, 08:32:22 PM
Hi FW,

Glad to hear updates about your kids and yes they do grow up so fast.  I'm not ready for my kids age 14 and 12 to drive and eventually move out, but I know time will fly right by.  Hope it works out for your D renting the 3rd room.

Your Mom's situation is such a tough one as one's independence decreases with the aging process.  I used to work in a hospital and would always talk with families about elderly parents.   Important to try to create a safe environment at home to stay as independent as possible.  There is always some safety risk which increases in time and all you can do is be there to support your M.  It's ok to worry about her and you and your family can be there when she needs you.

HF 

 
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#63: November 11, 2021, 05:32:13 PM
I was able to get away to Breckenridge for a short girls getaway this last weekend.  So D moved out Thursday and I left Friday with a couple of gals for a getaway and came back Monday.  It was fabulous.  We had a great time.  And it kept me from moping around the house and feeling the emptiness of D being gone.

Poor D.  She moved out last Thursday and got sick over the weekend.  She came over Monday night to get a few more things and tried to smell a candle and discovered she'd lost her smell.  I sent her back to S21's home to isolate and schedule a covid test and the results came back "inconclusive" yesterday.  I was able to get SIL to do me a favor and get her in at her work for a rapid test today and it came back as Covid positive.  After isolating with S16 and I last November and then quarantining for another 2 weeks and not getting it, and then being home with me when I had it the end of September and not getting it, she then moves out and immediately gets it.  So crazy.  So far she is doing okay.  I dropped off dinner to her last night and the night before.  I'll drop some groceries over there tomorrow.
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#64: November 11, 2021, 05:47:12 PM
So sorry your D is fighting the Covid battle. Wishing your D a quick and complete recovery.  Wishing you a quick adjustment period as your D moves to live somewhere else.

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#65: November 12, 2021, 12:40:02 AM
Oh no!  You all can not seem to catch a break, can you... And poor D... She dodged the bullet so often and now, when she is out on her own, gets whacked... NOT fun....

Hope she is better soon!

How were the aspens in Breck?
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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#66: November 13, 2021, 08:07:16 PM
My D will be transferring to a new college next fall and has been talking about moving closer to campus with a few friends and it just makes me so sad to think about her not being here everyday. So, I can totally relate to your empty nest feelings.

And then she goes and gets sick away from home. Your poor Momma heart!! Hope she recovers quickly without any issues.

But glad to see you out adulting with friends.
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#67: November 24, 2021, 06:30:02 PM
Hi FW,

Catching up on many threads and sorry to hear about your D and glad that you were able to take care of her bringing her food and groceries.   Hope she has recovered and doing well and that you enjoy your time this Thanksgiving with family and friends.

HF
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#68: December 01, 2021, 10:36:47 PM
Hi guys.  D is mostly recovered.  Unfortunately, she ended up with getting her taste back, but it's not back to normal, most everything has a rancid or garbage taste to it and makes her want to throw up.  She is struggling to find things she can eat. 

S16 is doing fantastic in his firefighter internship.  He was in the local newspaper recently as the 5 kids in the program got to do a live fire simulation and work together to put out the fire.  He is doing well balancing work, school, and his internship.

D, nephew and S21 seem to be getting along well.  Nephew talks about how D inspires him to keep his room nicer.  The 3 of them decorated for Christmas and S21 did a fantastic job with the lights on the outside of the house.  Unfortunately, their one neighbors are still being real stinkers.

Today should have been my 20 year anniversary, so I did find myself needing to post here.  It's not been too bad of a day, although I shed a tear or two on my way to work, after work was a good distraction as I spent the evening indoctrinating my SIL with episodes of Yellowstone, but on my drive home with Christmas light's outside my car windows, I did get a little teary.  I found myself wondering if xH ever even thinks of this date, and what his thoughts are in his head when it comes to this date.  *shrug*  who knows.  I called my Mom and talked to her on the rest of my drive home as she had left me a text earlier in the week wanting to catch up and I'd had something going on the last 2 evenings.

I need to catch up on everyone's posts.  I hope you all are doing well.  I can't believe that I am going into year 6 from BD.  BD is just around the corner, in two weeks.  This Season is such a minefield for trauma triggers.  I'm still very angry with him for blowing up Christmas this way, not going to lie.  Still, every year gets a little easier.  I'm thinking this one was hard because of the milestone anniversary thing and then struggling to find my Christmas Spirit with only one kiddo left in the house.
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#69: December 02, 2021, 12:17:29 AM
Our BD's were right around the same time and I am STILL not really able to muster much "Christmas Spirit" even 5 years after the fact. The date and the occasion (2nd Advent Sunday) no longer coincide so it does make for a long week of trigger potential. This year, I am preaching on 2nd Advent so it will be ... interesting...
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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#70: December 02, 2021, 02:29:25 PM
Hey FW,
so glad your D is feeling better. I have heard the taste recovery is often delayed. So glad everyone is getting along and there is no additional drama to work through with the younger generation.

So sorry for the tug on your heart for what would have been 20 years.  They were such a large part of our lives it is a hard day to ignore. The holidays are tough too, i am working to keep remembering the reason for the season.  It helps me to remember it never was really about us but about what has brought us together.

Happy Holidays
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#71: December 02, 2021, 04:57:58 PM
Sorry it's a tough season, FW.
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#72: December 11, 2021, 09:12:52 AM
Hey guys, surprisingly, it hasn't been that bad so far.  I think I've turned a corner with the Christmas Spirit.  But we are approaching BD anniversary this week, so we shall see.

My work family is fantastic and I really enjoy being a part of that community.  We work hard, but we also have fun and we laugh a lot.  Right now, we have a secret office "elf'er" that leaves a huge Christmas mess of decorations in a random office each morning, with a sign that has Buddy the elf on it that says "you have been elf'ed"  We have mostly women and 2 guys, one of which is the Grinch, haha, so I was laughing and going around asking, "okay, which of you is the mother elf'er?"  That got some laughs.

We have been listening to Christmas music and I have been able to carry my Christmas playlist over to my car and listen to music.  I've been on a hunt for some new songs and I found an Irish Christmas playlist that I like and my brother also gave me a playlist with some pretty fun heavy metal versions of Christmas.  I like cranking that one up in the car!   ;)

Home life is pretty boring.  With S21 and D19 both out of the house, and S16 working, going to school and doing his firefighter internship, the house is real quiet.  I just am learning to embrace the solitude.  But, with no demands on me, I get to do what I like to do with my time, whether that is watch tv, read, play games, etc.  I've been entirely anti-social lately and I was trying to remember when that shift happened, and honestly, I just think it has a lot to do with this new job and not my mood or "state of being", I'm just flippin exhausted when I come home and the thought of going out and doing anything just wears me out.  I still do things on occasion, but I'm perfectly content staying in as well.  Several people have brought up dating to me and I just tell them "that sounds exhausting".  Nothing really progressed when I did that little foray into dating earlier this year and I don't have the mental and physical fortitude to wade through the debris of online dating.  No thanks.  Just not interested right now.  Perhaps later on that will change, or perhaps when a relationship does come, it will just fall into place naturally in some way.

My M is coming for a visit for almost a month in January.  She will stay the first 2 weeks with my B and SIL and then if I can get a semblance of a guest room up and running in S16's old room (he moved to D19's room), she will stay with us for 2 weeks.  I'm nervous as the bedroom's are upstairs and I'm worried about her on our stairs.  I will have my B put in a new, sturdy railing that maybe will help.  S has stuff all over in both his old room and his new room, so he's going to have to get that transition done and commit to a room, lol.  It will be interesting to see what the dynamic is like while she is in the house for those 2 weeks.

My M has 5 siblings, 3 sister's and 2 brother's.  My one uncle is in the hospital fighting Covid so please keep him in your prayers.  He was a bachelor until close to 40, when he met a single mom and settled down.  They went on to have 3 more kids and have a beautiful life together.  I absolutely hate the thought of something happening to him.

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#73: December 11, 2021, 09:37:20 AM
I’m so sorry to hear of your families health struggles specially now.  Will send positive thoughts and wishes to al. I am ar a state of alone time for ME as well and I think that is sometimes a good place to be. Working on me and sorting through the muck. I like you am fine with it. I cant share myself until I am whole.

Your office sounds fun. I miss working in the office and being home has isolated me now for almost 2 years and to go through the MLC during this time has been challenging, but I think we will all come put stronger. I can feel it in my bones!!
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#74: December 13, 2021, 12:14:11 AM
An office? Wow? What's that? I think I have one of those somewhere other than at home... Seriously, I go in once about every 10 days at the moment (complying with COVID restrictions) and, when I am there, I am usually the only one on the entire corridor...

As far as S16 goes, oh yeah... The teenage spread is a real thing... and possession is 9/10ths of the law right? Squatter's rights and all that...  ;D ::) ;D
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#75: December 13, 2021, 07:23:42 AM
We have been listening to Christmas music and I have been able to carry my Christmas playlist over to my car and listen to music.  I've been on a hunt for some new songs and I found an Irish Christmas playlist that I like and my brother also gave me a playlist with some pretty fun heavy metal versions of Christmas.  I like cranking that one up in the car!   ;)

I highly recommend "A Twisted Christmas." Saw them do that show live in 2006 or so, and it was amazing. Sample here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNRnQSXxcNA

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#76: December 13, 2021, 09:36:22 AM
OMG They were my very first concert LOL
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#77: December 13, 2021, 10:02:08 AM
Ha!

Other good ones are:
King Diamond: No Presents for Christmas
Spinal Tap: Christmas With The Devil

And if you're up for something COMPLETELY different, there's a mashup artist named dj BC, who has some incredible song mashups (and some not incredible at all ones, but some just aren't my style of music). One example is "You Shook Me All Noel" https://soundcloud.com/santastic-two/you-shook-me-all-noel-dj-bc

I haven't looked at his website in years, and it looks like he has released more sets since. http://djbc.net/index.html

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#78: December 30, 2021, 08:46:54 PM
Hello everyone.  Unfortunately my Uncle lost the battle on Friday morning, December 17th.  Grief comes in waves, but I have learned since Bomb Drop, that grief is just woven into the threads of our lives at this age.  And we have to carry on living and muddle through.

S16 fell sick during that time too and he was very sick.  Fever, very sore throat, all that fun stuff.  He fell sick the day before he got out for Christmas break, on December 15th.  And because he was out in his car in the parking lot at lunch, the nurse would not let him go back into the building for a rapid test, so I just had him drive home.  I tried to get him to the drive through testing site the next day.  He was fogging the car up with his high fever, poor thing.  I had scheduled a slot and got up there at 1pm only to arrive to an empty lot and a sign saying they had closed down at noon.  So I sat in the parking lot and got him scheduled for a PCR test at another site, which we drove to and then I promptly drove him home to rest.  We then had to wait a few days for that to come back.

On Saturday morning, we finally got the results back and it was negative.  So since it was a Saturday, I drove him to an urgent care for a strep test, I did not want him to be without medicine if he needed it right away for strep.  Texted MLCer for S's current insurance cards, only to be told that MLCer was not currently carrying S on insurance.  Are you freaking kidding me!?!  I have no idea how long S has not had insurance.  And he is a new driver this year, anything could have happened/could happen.  During the Fall, not ONE word to me about the state of S's insurance.  If he had reached out within 30 days of S losing insurance, I could have put him on at my work, if MLCer were willing to pay the premiums.  I cannot afford them by myself.  And our Open Enrollment for the 2022 year was in October, so now both the 30 days and the open enrollment have passed.  I'm trying to get S signed up for CHP+ and I'm hoping that they can retro it to cover the urgent care fees and that we qualify.  Even if MLCer gets S back on insurance, I will keep CHP as a back-up.  I should not be surprised that he pulled a stunt like that, but I am.  Just another loss, another chink in the fabric of someone that I really don't know at all anymore.

To top it off, right after I got off the phone with MLCer with the no insurance news, my M texted to tell me that my Aunt (the one married to my Uncle) had been hospitalized.  My heart was breaking for my cousins.  To have lost their Father on Friday and have their Mother hospitalized the very next day.  Covid pneumonia.  A week before Christmas. 

The 20th came and went, and no sign of MLCer's support check that was supposed to have arrived via direct deposit.  And no offer to pay for the Urgent Care fees.  I was very stressed and angry. 

Finally on the 22nd, the support monies arrived at least.  S16 turned a corner (Strep test was negative too) and got over whatever happened to be ailing him.  We got my Auntie transferred to my hometown on Christmas Eve and she was able to be released the next day and spend Christmas in one of my cousins (her son's) home.  My kids and I had Christmas with my B and SIL and nephews at their home and we had a wonderful day.  A few gifts, a better Christmas than 2020, and the most blessed part was being together and playing games and enjoying one another's company.

S21 is sick with Covid now.  He started feeling ill Christmas night, and now my nephew who lives with him is sick as of Wednesday.  I am hoping that D will be okay since she had it in November, and so far S and I are okay.  I am just out of my 90 day window, if that is even a thing anymore.

Tonight my heart is hurting for my neighbors in Boulder County who are being devastated by fire burning through Superior, Louisville, Broomfield.  Hundreds of homes lost.  Just devastating.  I hope any of our LBS's are not affected in that area. 

I feel out of the loop with everyone.  Sorry that I haven't been here.  I will try to catch up soon.  Praying that 2022 brings about some winds of change in a positive direction for everyone.
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#79: December 31, 2021, 05:00:47 AM
Sorry to hear about your uncle, Faith. And I'm glad everyone else seems to be pulling through the additional ordeals.

Hugs.
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#80: December 31, 2021, 11:54:19 AM
Thank you JB.  I hope you are doing well.  Still working on catching up on stories.
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#81: December 31, 2021, 03:45:16 PM
FW - thank you for the update.  You've certainly had a lot going on. 

I'm sorry to read that your MLCer was not carrying any insurance on your S as well as not letting you know so you could at least hit the enrollment period at work to get him covered under your insurance. 

Condolences on the loss of your uncle and I hope that your aunt is doing better.   I'll watch for updates from you. 

Happy New Year to you, my friend. 
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#82: December 31, 2021, 07:19:06 PM
Happy New Year SB!

I'm thankful to have S home with me tonight.  He was supposed to go to his F's, but I think he's decided to stay here, due to the roads.  I was worrying about his safety out on the roads tonight.
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#83: December 31, 2021, 08:15:42 PM
So sorry to hear of all the trials you’ve been having FW, am glad to hear you were able to enjoy Xmas though. Take care and hope the patients are all back to normal sooner rather than later x
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#84: January 01, 2022, 01:16:08 AM
Oh Faith - I am so sorry to hear of your loss and the immense stress you have been under.

Covid is a s**t and my heart goes out to all who have lost loved ones especially if you are still a recovering LBS - it feels like the stress and sadness never ends.

Good news is that it does, it does end.  There will be a time when joy re-enters and life moves forward with you (aka the LBS) in control.

Interestingly though my S (24) had a serious flu like illness in December. Covid test showed negative but he was so ill for about 10 days.  Doctors wouldn't give anti biotics because it was viral and so he struggled. All better now though.
I wish you a happy and safe new year  xx
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#85: January 01, 2022, 10:15:38 AM
Thank you Song.  I remember saying to someone "he doesn't have Covid, he doesn't have strep, he's just normal sick, imagine that.  It IS still a thing."  There are definitely other viruses out there, and a lot of our immune systems are probably already compromised from Covid.

He was really stressing out right before he got sick, a lot of responsibility on his shoulders.  School studies, his firefighter internship, and then the strain of working as well. 

He was worried that he would be kicked out of his internship because while he was sick, he didn't get everything turned in that needed to be.  He said he was prepared to live with the consequences, but I encouraged him to reach out to his Captain and explain the situation.  He's extended his deadline and he is working hard to get it all accomplished.

Happy 2022 to everyone.  I'm feeling very optimistic about this year, and last year had many good things too.  I got a newer, more reliable car thanks to the generosity of two wonderful people, and got that promotion at work.  While it did throw me into a different tax bracket, so I don't really see much of a difference in income, I know that it is more towards my retirement and I will be striving to batten down my finances so that I can start really seeing the difference.  And I love my job, I work with a really great team.  So much to celebrate in 2021.

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#86: January 01, 2022, 08:45:48 PM
FW, happy 2022 to you. Sounds like there were a lot of ups and downs in your 2021, and you have navigated them well. I hope the year ahead brings much more of those positive things to you.
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#87: January 02, 2022, 03:30:05 PM
Thank you C.

Journaling:

I'm still mulling over my word for 2022.  I've written down 3 that came to me and now I'm just waiting for confirmation in my spirit on which one is to be my word for 2022.

I've had a very nice staycation from work and I head back to the grind tomorrow.  Ready or not, here it comes lol.
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#88: January 02, 2022, 08:33:40 PM
Hey FW, what's "my word" mean?

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#89: January 03, 2022, 10:45:33 AM
5 Hil - "my word" is the word that states what your year and approach /attitude will be.
 Such as "Change"  or "Opportunity" or "Belief" or "Confidence" etc......
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#90: January 03, 2022, 10:58:40 AM
FW- I have always loved having a word each year as well. I have always picked very deep meaning words or quotes for the year. This year funny enough I decided to go to the basics of where my focus needs to be and decided in a self serving and maybe a bit selfish word which is far from my norm. My word this year is simply “ME”
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#91: January 04, 2022, 07:01:25 PM
Well i love the "my word".  Mine will be "live"!!! I find i am learning to live for myself more and more.

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#92: January 05, 2022, 12:04:28 AM
FW- I have always loved having a word each year as well. I have always picked very deep meaning words or quotes for the year. This year funny enough I decided to go to the basics of where my focus needs to be and decided in a self serving and maybe a bit selfish word which is far from my norm. My word this year is simply “ME”

Wonderful!

Well i love the "my word".  Mine will be "live"!!! I find i am learning to live for myself more and more.

5hil

I love it 5hil, that sounds perfect!

Each year since BD, I have chosen a word that resonates with me.  It started in February of '16 when I was 2 months out from BD and 2 months out from the D date on the other side.  I attended a conference called IF:Gathering.  While there, I was given a domino and a sharpie marker and asked to pray that I would be given a word that resonated.  I prayed and felt in my spirit that my Word should be Courage.  It served me very well that first year, and the word continued to come swirling at me throughout the year, coming to me again, from an unlikely source from someone the day before the D, and ending with a huge culmination at the end of 2016, during my first Christmas after BD and D.  My xMIL gave me a gift for Christmas.  She had no idea what my word was and yet, the gift she gave me was a beautiful tea/coffee mug with the word Courage on it and a scripture verse on the other side.  I cried when I opened it.  I was flabbergasted.

At the time, I felt that it must mean that we would be restored.  Why else would the Lord use my MIL to confirm my word?  Well, I don't know because the Lord works in mysterious ways.  However, what I do know is that it served it's purpose in what was being done in me through this beautiful journey, this process of refinement.

Last year, my word was Surrender.  It just kept coming at me the first of the year, and then solidified when I was reading a book later, like around March called The Surrender Experiment.  I've found when I've surrendered, that things have worked out for me, and I have much more peace about things.  For me, it's more about being the co-pilot and letting the Good Lord do the steering.  Like, "Ok God, what's next?"

The last few days, I had it narrowed down to 3 words and the more I mull over the 3, they are all very good, but one just keeps surfacing, and it's the word "Purpose" - it just continues to stir something in me as I sit with it.  Sometimes I have to sit with my word a bit to decide if that's to be the ultimate word that I go with for the year.

My threads go back a long, long ways, but I definitely do talk about my words with a little bit of depth each year I think.

But I'll sum it up nicely here, just in case anyone is interested and doesn't want to dig back through.

2016 - Courage (and boy did I need it in a big way and then realize later on that I probably had it all along, just needed to draw from it)
2017 - Intention (This was the full year after BD and D and I really found myself needing to be intentional with things.  Relationships, rebuilding a life, sometimes kind of faking it until it was no longer faking.
2018 - Passion (and not necessarily the romantic kind, but I started to remember who "I" was and to draw on some of that passion for life that had come from before.  Back to when I was a child, before I was "jaded" by the world.
2019 - Preparation (the action or process of making ready or being made ready for use or consideration - something done to get ready for an event or undertaking) - there was a lot for me this year about Hope, but I ultimately went with Preparation.  It just resonated.  I felt like I was getting ready for something, but wasn't sure what.  Looking back in my notes (I screenshot a lot) I saved it with this poem

"Still upward to thine onward course;
For this I pray today;
Still upward as the years go by,
And seasons pass away.
Still upward in this coming year,
Thy path is all untried;
Still upward may'st thou journey on,
Close by thy Saviors side.
Still upward e'en though sorrow come,
And trials crush thine heart;
Still upward may they draw thy soul,
With Christ to walk apart.
Still upward till the day shall break,
And shadows all have flown;
Still upward till in Heaven you wake,
And stand before the throne."
2019 - this year was a big year of changes.  I left the comfort of my work family, people who had been there for me through BD and the rocky months after divorce, into a new job utilizing a different skillset from before, and ultimately it was the best move post pandemic, without even knowing that 2020 was happening.

Fast forward to 2020 and it really just seemed perfect that the word should be Vision.  Who doesn't want 20/20 Vision.  Of course 2020 was an interesting year, with a lot of craziness and uncertainty.  But with it, came the marriage of my former H and the loss of a "vision" and I had to begin looking toward a new vision.  Lots of soul searching, and asking God "why" and wrestling with it, and revisiting the stages of grief once again, and with that came acceptance and being able to move forward once again.

And that's where Surrender came in for 2021.  After the wrestling.

Dark night of the soul after Bomb Drop, where I almost didn't survive, but found the COURAGE.

And at the end of each year, I don't just DROP that word for the year.  I BUILD on it.  Courage is still there, and I reach for it whenever needed, which is still very often.  I still revisit intention, and sometimes have to get back on track with that one.  Sometimes it's putting my phone down and being in the moment with my children.  Being intentional takes cultivation.  I pursue passion and draw on it from deep within.  "Passion is what motivates us to do the things we love. It is that strong desire that allows you to create something extraordinary—the fuel that keeps the fire burning. Being passionate about something gives you a sense of purpose." - I couldn't have come to purpose without passion.  But I also needed preparation, even when I wasn't sure what I was preparing for.  And yet, because preparation led me to that new job, I was in a pretty good place once 2020 hit, and I was able to continue to get paid and work from home without missing a paycheck.  Things were bleak sometimes, don't get me wrong, but once the middle of the year hit, Vision is what propelled me forward into 2021.  And with that, came a sense of peace, a surrendering.  Realizing that my desire for control was sometimes at war with what needed to come.  With the sense of surrender came a sense of rightness.  If I hadn't surrendered to the restructuring of my job, even though it took some risk, I wouldn't have gotten the promotion I got.  I surrendered to the loss of my vehicle, that came to rest broken down in front of my home.  And gained a new car in the process.  I've surrendered the dating piece, and the thought of getting on dating apps or doing anything pursuit wise in dating right now sounds absolutely exhausting, so, if there is to be dating later, it will be from a place of peace, where God brings that person into my life.

And throughout that, there have been some other words, that maybe were secondary words for the year that have woven themselves into the threads of my journey, the beautiful tapestry that is being woven of my life.  Hope, Joy, Perseverance, Stillness, Grace, Beautifully Broken, to name a few.  And then there is FAITH.  FAITH is probably my word of the DECADE or Century lol

Wow, 5hil, your question might have opened up for more than you bargained for, but it was very good for me to get my thoughts out here.  So thank you!

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#93: January 05, 2022, 10:12:49 AM
FW,
thank you so much for taking the time to put your words into such an eloquent description. Not gonna lie it took me a while to read the first-time.  But then i went back and read it a second time.  It's funny i am queen of questions and with every question i learn and grow so much.  You truly inspired me to put so much more meaning into my word.  I went back and looked at my word "live" and tried other words but "live" kept jumping back in like a magnet.  Now i have an internal goal to keep me moving forward.

Thank you,
5hil
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#94: January 05, 2022, 09:43:06 PM
5hil, sorry to read that you guys are still fighting through this nasty Covid.  I hope that you all recover quickly.

I think the fact that this word for you is sticking like a magnet does indeed mean that it's your word for 2022. 

I'm excited to see what your future holds.
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

S
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#95: January 06, 2022, 08:35:37 AM
I loved reading all your words since BD and why you picked them.....Surrender certainly is a big one and one I still struggle with. As a survivor of child hood trauma surrendering is the most terrifying step and almost puts me in a state of panic.
Thank you for sharing your wonderful words with us Faith.
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Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

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#96: January 07, 2022, 09:36:38 PM
You're welcome.  I'm glad that I posted about them again.

Journaling: 
The other night I re-watched the Apology link in my tagline.  Every once in a while I do that, just to gauge how it makes me feel.  I still can't get through it without crying.  I don't know if I'll ever get through it without crying.

Logged on to Instagram today for the first time in a little while.  I am not sure if Insta works the same as FB, but xH came up as a follower suggestion.  On FB, a lot of times when people show up as a friend suggestion, particularly with not that many mutual friends, it can mean that they were peeping your page.  But not sure if it's that way on insta or if he showed up because he is still a contact in my phone.  Anyway, I clicked the little x to take him off my friend suggestions and that was that.  Didn't even have the impulse to click on his account and have a look.

D19 and I had a really nice night last night hanging out together.  We've gotten together a little bit since she's moved out, but not as often as I would like.  Anyway, she reached out to me, and called me to see what I was up to.  It was really nice to have her back here, even just for a little while.

I ended up with a little overtime this week at work.  I was hoping to leave early today to balance it out a little bit, but that just didn't end up happening.  So, I'll take the overtime.  Every little bit helps.  I'm glad it's the weekend now though.  After the Holidays, this week seemed like 2 weeks rolled into one or at least a week and a half long.
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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#97: January 14, 2022, 09:38:15 PM
The ship seems to be sinking.  This week we had 3 of the 12 people in my unit test positive for Covid.  Several others are awaiting tests and a few have chosen to work from home to hopefully stay healthy.  This afternoon it was down to 3 of the 12 of us working in office.  Whew.

Throughout many of our schools cases are on the rise.  We have a Holiday upcoming and then a teacher in-service day which will be mainly remote trainings so hopefully the 4 days will give us a little chance to reset again but I'm not sure it's enough.

If any school reaches 2% positivity, everyone in that school has to mask for 10 days, or until they drop below 1% positivity again.  The schools intend to remain open and not go virtual unless schools cannot hold the weight due to shortage of staff and subs.

In other news, my Mom is supposed to be coming over tomorrow for the remainder of her stay, but it's looking like if she does return to the State where her H is living with his D, it would be for about 3 days to collect her things.  If she can handle my stairs, she would then remain with me, at least until she were to move up the list to get the low income apartment.

Tonight I got my booster and S16 and D19 both received their first vaccine.  My arm is pretty dang sore but other than that, so far so good.  I am hoping that I don't wake up feeling utterly miserable tomorrow.  My B and his friend are going to come finish up the repairs we need to make the place more livable for my M as there are a few things that S and I have put up with that my M doesn't need to deal with. 

I hope everyone is staying well in these trying times.
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

5
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#98: January 14, 2022, 11:41:06 PM
Hi FW,
this new Covid Variant is a beast. I was reading in my area the schools are starting to close due to lack of staff.  I am glad you got your booster and your children have started their vaccine process.  I know the vaccine is a personal choice and can be controversial. Since i have recovered i am masking everywhere i go. I hope you will not be miserable from your booster.

5hil
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